I don't understand online dating

[Logo]

As a heterosexual man, I’m interested in women. 

Some women seem to match with me, attaching nothing to their match. When they do, they might write a word or two and disappear. It leaves me feeling as though they expected to get the winning lottery numbers in the first response. And when they didn’t, they flaked out. Some women match with me, and don’t bother starting the conversation. 
 

What’s that all about? Any input? Do they actually know what they want? 
 

I also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships. They say they’re looking for some specific qualities, but they don’t live up to them or don’t appreciate them. 
 

I have used online dating before, and always found it a miserable place to be since most people treat it as a game. The older I get, the less patience I have for it. Is there logic to the madness?

[BrinnM]

8 minutes ago, Logo said:

also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships.

Depends on how young/old you guys are.

If older (like 35 plus), you can bet most of them have had their fair share of experience. They may just have a different attitude than you. They can take it or leave it, while you’re looking to seriously date. And some ppl really just register and don’t take OLD seriously. 
 

Maybe try a different site. You might get lucky with one of those serious sites, like eharmony or something. 

[ccas93]

20 minutes ago, Logo said:

As a heterosexual man, I’m interested in women. 

Some women seem to match with me, attaching nothing to their match. When they do, they might write a word or two and disappear. It leaves me feeling as though they expected to get the winning lottery numbers in the first response. And when they didn’t, they flaked out. Some women match with me, and don’t bother starting the conversation. 
 

What’s that all about? Any input? Do they actually know what they want? 
 

I also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships. They say they’re looking for some specific qualities, but they don’t live up to them or don’t appreciate them. 
 

I have used online dating before, and always found it a miserable place to be since most people treat it as a game. The older I get, the less patience I have for it. Is there logic to the madness?

IMO, online dating might work for older folks or more rural areas but for younger men in a populated area, it's basically a waste of time. I've only ever found it's good for casual sex with strangers, which I'm becoming less and less interested in at almost 29. Good lucking finding a real relationship with a high quality woman on there. In my experience most of them are looking for any reason to write you off. 

[glows]

I matched with very few when I used online dating and didn't pursue it as found a lot of dissimilarities in the dating pool online. They were simply not a match, about 99% of the time. Either not in the right place in life or wanting different things, different circumstances or not physically attractive. To each their own. I completely respect anyone who enjoys online dating and if it has worked and I am sure it has worked for many.

 

[Ami1uwant]

If you are younger….which is generally late 20s or younger ( but can vary by where you are)—- you still have a social network of unattached friends and can easily socially network and met fellow single.  As your friends start marrying off and having kids, you lose this social networking so finding dates gets much harder.

 

On top of that, it’s difficult to get dates through where you work. When you were younger and say just working a job to pay the bills while you went to college you might have felt free to date people you work with. Now as a professional there are sexual harassment rukes that coukd restrict or prevent this. Some may just not even try to date coworkers no matter what.  Sure thru coworkers you might be able to network thru to find dates but this doesn’t happen much. Even then., there could be work blow back from a failed .

Also when you enter your 30s , you are viewed as to old to try to use those places you used previously in your early 20s because the age skews younger.

 

this is where the value of online dating dies kick in.  Sure it woukd be nice if there was some social space where just singles hung out who were in the same age range as you.

 

sure there are other avenues to meet people ….like thru church, volunteering, social clubs or groups or classes with a common interest, and others.  Even this is hard because you get a mix of single with already married or involved.

 

of course over time online dating has changed.  15+ yrs ago you generally had only those seriously looking and wanting to find that person were using it.  Today you have many more who either aren’t seriously looking, or trying to use it to target something specific in mind like something they can’t normally get through their typical social channels. Many of these sites have fake bot profiles or they are profiles of one time users who don’t use anymore.

 

understand that women get swarmed in online dating sites getting tons of requests to talk to them if theyare actively looking.  Thry could easily forget about you or dug deeper into your profile and decided to next you. Some are looking fir than u realistic 110% and don’t want to feel they settled.

there is also some economic theory at play here on how people make choices and decisions. Some are fine, others have trouble.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

When you actually get to the point of communicating with them before meeting, some other things coukd come up if it wasn’t written in the profile that shows they aren’t a good match fir them without taking the step to meet like they don’t meet some minimum requirement like on wanting kids or religion or being at different points in life.

[Ami1uwant]

Systems that do matching for you use inactive profiles to match you.  If it’s a paid site you might have to wait for a free weekend to come up.  Some of these sites like Match will call users active not by them logging in but by them just opening email from match.

15 years ago these same serious users would rotate among different sites like doing 3 months on X then doing 3 mi this in Y and so on. If you rotated on sites you’d find many similar profiles using same pics and profile info.

[chillii]

l was late 40s when l used it a short stint, think l even did some complaining here to haha but in the end, l actually found it quite good. l'm in a regional group of smaller cities and towns and a different country to most likely but most women were much in the same boat as me and over all pretty good tbh. Had a few with silly one word replies but l wouldn't even bother with them, l like a personality. l met some nice women tbh though, women l'd never had met otherwise .

l didn't know anything about any of the match stuff or how it was supposed to work , l just searched for very specific women myself that interested me and contact them. l mean end of the day l put it all down to as you just never know it's just something people can try, and it actually did happen for me. Try a different site.

Edited May 18, 2022 by chillii

[ItsTheDay]

10 hours ago, Logo said:

As a heterosexual man, I’m interested in women. 

Some women seem to match with me, attaching nothing to their match. When they do, they might write a word or two and disappear. It leaves me feeling as though they expected to get the winning lottery numbers in the first response. And when they didn’t, they flaked out. Some women match with me, and don’t bother starting the conversation. 
 

What’s that all about? Any input? Do they actually know what they want? 
 

I also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships. They say they’re looking for some specific qualities, but they don’t live up to them or don’t appreciate them. 
 

I have used online dating before, and always found it a miserable place to be since most people treat it as a game. The older I get, the less patience I have for it. Is there logic to the madness?

The whole online dating apps today are nothing more but a cash grab now. I have used them a long time ago, and it's actually how I met my current ex of 8 years. It was a lot different back then when her and I met, and we were both kind of young. She was 29 and I was 31. 

I am 41 now and recently I have met a pretty good amount or women from these dating apps in all sorts of age ranges, youngest being 32. There have been a few that I met that have been single for 5 plus years, and after talking with them I see why. The younger ones that I met, in their early 30's, all seem to have big hopes and dreams. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a point in time where you need to come back down to reality. I'm not lying when I say this, all of them in that age range want to travel the world and visit every country and are looking for a partner to travel the world with. Is this the trend today? Is this because of social media and all these influencers these days posting pics from around the world? I have met some women more around my age that also wanted to travel the world, but they weren't pressed that much about it.

Now, I did meet one that I was actually into. We met on Bumble and then the next day she invited me out to meet up and I did. She was closer to my age at 38, and the night went really good. She kept complementing me on how good I looked, how built I was and how she was very surprised that I did not once talk about my workouts or brag about my "leg days". We both took a walk afterwards and then said our goodbyes. She told me she wanted me to text her when I got home, but I told her we never exchanged numbers. She said you're right, I'll send it to you on Bumble. While I was driving home she sent me a little heart emoji on Bumble, telling me how she enjoyed our time and thanked me for coming out on short noticed. Oh yeah, I even told her that I hated that she paid for dinner and the drinks. I went to the bathroom, came back and she already paid for everything. She laughed, I told her I didn't like that and she said she knows I wouldn't, and that's why she paid. She said it was the least she could do for me coming out on short notice. We talked about getting together again, possibly the next night and going out to get some steaks. She mentioned every time she exchanges numbers she gets stalked, so I said it's cool don't worry about it now. Then she told me to think of where I wanted to go next and I said ok. The next day I go on Bumble, she deleted her profile. Really left me confused. 

Before her, I went on a couple dates with another girl. Kind of young, she's been single for over 5 years. She actually told me she wanted to stop seeing me because she's afraid she'll lose control around me. 

   

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Logo said:

Some women match with me, and don’t bother starting the conversation. I also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships.

It's hit or miss. Basically it's about preventing burnout by having a good screening system and matching criteria.

A common mistake is casting too wide a net in terms of age, distance and other matching criteria.

Are you using free or hookup apps? You may encounter more serious women who are on paid dating apps, at least it screens for a credit card. You may also get more bells and whistles when it comes to features and matching.

Browse the site and send interesting women messages and see who responds, then after a couple of messages suggest meeting, then repeat this process until you meet someone in person you click with.

Edited May 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

If you don't have much success meeting someone to date irl, then online isn't going to be much better. It's nowhere near a magic bullet. Make changes. 

[Logo]

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:The younger ones that I met, in their early 30's, all seem to have big hopes and dreams. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a point in time where you need to come back down to reality. I'm not lying when I say this, all of them in that age range want to travel the world and visit every country and are looking for a partner to travel the world with. Is this the trend today? Is this because of social media and all these influencers these days posting pics from around the world? I have met some women more around my age that also wanted to travel the world, but they weren't pressed that much about it.

Now, I did meet one that I was actually into. We met on Bumble and then the next day she invited me out to meet up and I did. She was closer to my age at 38, and the night went really good. She kept complementing me on how good I looked, how built I was and how she was very surprised that I did not once talk about my workouts or brag about my "leg days". We both took a walk afterwards and then said our goodbyes. She told me swanted me to text her when I got home, but I told her we never exchanged numbers. She said you're right, I'll send it to you on Bumble. 

Online profiles are like resumes. Most of them are standardized, follow the same catch phrases and lack personalization. It’s also some kind of trend to say they want to travel. Come to think of it, it always has been. Almost everyone is looking for someone to go on an “adventure” with to make life more exciting. They want to go on a perpetual vacation. 

Most of the ones I have chatted with online don’t have a clue how to have a conversation. They answer and tack on “How about you?” to their message. I end up having to carry the conversation.

At least that Bumble date didn’t take advantage of you and paid for dinner. That’s decent of her.

 

[mark clemson]

The impression I get from the steady drumbeat of complaints we see on this site (as well as occasional articles in news sources) is that it's something like:

- X% scammers or prostitutes

- X% bots (will vary, depending on the dating site)

- X% seriously dysfunctional

- X% not serious about dating

- X% in what you might call "shopping mode" where the amount of available options leads them to quickly discard potential matches and/or as you pointed out create essentially lists of demands/"qualifications" that aren't particularly realistic (for some this is probably a form of psychological dysfunction, e.g. a defense mechanism for coping with a deep-rooted fear of rejection, as there are apparently some who do it long-term)

All this leaves a relatively small % of quality women who are serious about dating. Many of those are essentially overloaded by an influx of likes/match attempts/male attention to the point where dealing with it all becomes "work" and SOME of that attention is from seriously dysfunctional males who "burn the turf" by e.g. not being able to accept rejection graciously, acting like stalkers, making weird threats, etc, etc making women who've experienced that understandably a bit skittish.

With all that going on, I think if I was back in the game so to speak I'd look to OLD as one avenue to date, but certainly not the only one or even a particularly good one at this point. If you happen to get lucky with a match on OLD, great, but don't take it too seriously + focus your efforts on attempting RL meets (that's I believe what I would do).

Edited May 18, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Logo said:

Most of the ones I have chatted with online don’t have a clue how to have a conversation. They answer and tack on “How about you?” to their message. I end up having to carry the conversation.

After a couple of messages meet in person for a brief coffee/drink.. You don't want text buddies, so "carrying a conversation" in unimportant until you meet

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, Logo said:
 

I have used online dating before, and always found it a miserable place to be since most people treat it as a game. The older I get, the less patience I have for it. Is there logic to the madness?

I used OLD for 10+ years on and off and ended up meeting my wife through it. I’d say the most important thing is your mindset. Just understand nothing is personal. These are strangers and most people won’t be a good match. If somebody loses interest, no big deal, plenty of others…

[chillii]

lf it's a serious relationship your seeking it really pays to be very specifically selective on both the sites you choose and the women, quality wins over quantity any time.  l scanned other sites before choosing the one l used bc there was a huge difference between them and the people, trends and mentalities the seemed to go with each. l didn't see anyone l'd even want to contact on others where as on the one l chose l'd seen people straight of but there were very obvious differences to and also someone straight of l could seriously be interested in so l actually signed up just to meet her.

The travel things seemed a real trend back then to on most, that and family and friends, very original ahh. l actually put on my prof' l'd done plenty of traveling and had no interest in doing anymore.

Edited May 19, 2022 by chillii

[dramafreezone]

On 5/17/2022 at 6:46 PM, Logo said:

As a heterosexual man, I’m interested in women. 

Some women seem to match with me, attaching nothing to their match. When they do, they might write a word or two and disappear. It leaves me feeling as though they expected to get the winning lottery numbers in the first response. And when they didn’t, they flaked out. Some women match with me, and don’t bother starting the conversation. 
 

What’s that all about? Any input? Do they actually know what they want? 
 

I also get the feeling that most women on dating apps haven’t had much experience with relationships. They say they’re looking for some specific qualities, but they don’t live up to them or don’t appreciate them. 
 

I have used online dating before, and always found it a miserable place to be since most people treat it as a game. The older I get, the less patience I have for it. Is there logic to the madness?

Sounds like you have a pretty good read on online dating to me.

I'm sure you know that most women get on average many more matches than men get.  So the screening process is different.  They have more matches to consider so if they matched up with you yesterday, woke up today, they may just not be feeling it anymore.  When they match with you, many times all that means is that you met the minimum prerequisite for them.  They don't start the conversation because you're not at the top of their queue, you're not their first choice.  I don't think it's because they're bad people.  They're just reacting to the reality, they have many more options so they aren't going to put too much investment in one unless they're highly attracted to them.

Whereas if a guy that gets one match every two weeks matches yesterday, he's already planning their wedding and where their kids will go to school.  That match is pretty much his only choice.

Some people do treat online dating as a game.  I think some match and they just use it as an ego boost. 

I would keep expectations low, don't take it too seriously yourself.  If you actually get one of them on a date, that's a bonus.

Edited May 19, 2022 by dramafreezone

[chillii]

Mind you far far from an expert as l was only on it back in the day for awhile.But l dunno about all these 100s of so called choices women supposedly have bc at the end of the day most were still on them and often 2 and 3 sites at once l saw, for yrs anyway, even longer. You just have to read around ls, all the women here struggle just as much with date sites and people they meet as men, that's everywhere. And every woman l met told me all the same stuff, they'd all had a helluva time on date sites.

l also to this day still don't get why anyone even bothers with those matching things, l never even looked at them. l searched through myself and found what few people there were that interested me, wouldn't have even known if any of them were even in my actual matches or not , or cared, that worked fine. Find your own matches.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, chillii said:

l also to this day still don't get why anyone even bothers with those matching things, l never even looked at them. l searched through myself and found what few people there were that interested me, wouldn't have even known if any of them were even in my actual matches or not , or cared, that worked fine. Find your own matches.

Ah, boo.

A cousin served in the military (pilot) and was often called to active duty, so he did not have a lot of real-life dating opportunities. He matched with a woman by accident that lived across the country and they live together now married with children.

It enabled him to connect with more potential partners than he could otherwise.

So, that's the juice of it.

[chillii]

 

Ahhh , nice one and there ya go eh. This is why l always think dates sites are still worth having because you never do know.

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Mind you far far from an expert as l was only on it back in the day for awhile.But l dunno about all these 100s of so called choices women supposedly have bc at the end of the day most were still on them and often 2 and 3 sites at once l saw, for yrs anyway, even longer. You just have to read around ls, all the women here struggle just as much with date sites and people they meet as men, that's everywhere. And every woman l met told me all the same stuff, they'd all had a helluva time on date sites.

l also to this day still don't get why anyone even bothers with those matching things, l never even looked at them. l searched through myself and found what few people there were that interested me, wouldn't have even known if any of them were even in my actual matches or not , or cared, that worked fine. Find your own matches.

This one of those of sampling bias issues you are running into.

Let’s assume women are the ones in control.

issue 1 ….

 

paradox of choice. A book goes by that title. There are other books on human behavior and choices and economic behavior.  The same thing applies to dating sites. 
 

you have 2 types of people. Maximizer and  satisfiers.  In terms of shopping mall behavior one woman is looking for a new blouse. She sees one in one store and likes it but it’s not sure if it’s the one. She puts it down and goes around 3 hrs looking everywhere before deciding.  While she is wandering the mall another women just drive up, goes to that store, goes to that store, likes the same shirt, and buts it. The first woman comes back and it’s gone.  To both they might have scored this shirt in the 85-99% likeability but that was good enough fir the second woman but not good enough fir the first.  The maximizer is women 1 and the satisfyer is woman 2.  
 

Same logic can beapp,ied to dating style.  Many women don’t want to settle on mr 85%. They want mr 110%  that really is unrealistic.

 

issue 2

 

you go to the supermarket and someone is asking you to sample something new on the market in different flavors.  If there are a few flavors to choose from like 3-5 a clear distinction can be made.  If you have 31 flavors you are going to have a harder time picking your favorite. Results of studies have show in the few choice option many pick a flavor, buy it, and buy it again becoming a customer.  The one with many choices just gives up and does not buy.

 

the same thing applies to dating off online dating. You have a bunch of possible dates with different people each have strengths and weaknesses so it’s hard to pick just one.  In older traditional forms of dating you didn’t meet many. It might have been 1 maybe 2 at one time who courted the woman so it was easier to make choices. Both knowing how hard it is to meet peop,e they are more likeky to be fine with someone at 80% or 85%.

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

you have 2 types of people. Maximizer and  satisfiers.  In terms of shopping mall behavior one woman is looking for a new blouse. She sees one in one store and likes it but it’s not sure if it’s the one. She puts it down and goes around 3 hrs looking everywhere before deciding.  While she is wandering the mall another women just drive up, goes to that store, goes to that store, likes the same shirt, and buts it. The first woman comes back and it’s gone.  To both they might have scored this shirt in the 85-99% likeability but that was good enough fir the second woman but not good enough fir the first.  The maximizer is women 1 and the satisfyer is woman 2.  

I suspect this author was male   As a woman, I can think of three more shopping methods and all can be compared to dating.  They  are all related to being the maximiser who doesn't miss out - that's how I shop.  This woman knows how to work her options for the best outcome.

If I go into a store and like the blouse but I'm not sure, I ask the store to hold it for me for a couple of hours while I check other options. If I don't like anything else, I'll go back and get blouse #1.  Another option is that I buy blouse #1 and then find blouse #2, can't decide between them and buy it too.   Both of these are the multi daters.  

Alternately, I may buy blouse #1 but then find something I like more, buy it and return blouse #1.   This is someone who gives a date or two and then ends it because there's a better options she's talking with.

Edited May 20, 2022 by basil67

[Ami1uwant]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I suspect this author was male   As a woman, I can think of three more shopping methods and all can be compared to dating.  They  are all related to being the maximiser who doesn't miss out - that's how I shop.  This woman knows how to work her options for the best outcome.

If I go into a store and like the blouse but I'm not sure, I ask the store to hold it for me for a couple of hours while I check other options. If I don't like anything else, I'll go back and get blouse #1.  Another option is that I buy blouse #1 and then find blouse #2, can't decide between them and buy it too.   Both of these are the multi daters.  

Alternately, I may buy blouse #1 but then find something I like more, buy it and return blouse #1.   This is someone who gives a date or two and then ends it because there's a better options she's talking with.

There are numerous written research papers and books written about  choosing and how peop,e make choices and are influenced in their decisions.

 

men can do this too.   It can vary by what it is.  The woman who is comfortable just being a satisfyer in buying vpclothes, she might be a maximizer in buying something else that she is not familiar with in the market like say buying a new couch.

[chillii]

Haa funny and isn't there papers on just about every damn thing these days, all part of the human condition- look that one up.l've just changed your life btw, suggesting that if you do, you can thank me later haha.

But nah actually , back in the day their main complaint , well l'm extremely picky myself so l certainly can't knock them for that , but you do know when someone is right. The fact they just hadn't felt like that about anyone as yet was imo fair enough, neither had l. But their biggest complaint was that even men 40s and early 50s, none of them were serious or wanted a relationship no matter what they said on their page, just wanted to sleep around.

My partner said all the same stuff. Which really surprised me coming from her to actually although she is extremely built sooooo, but she's also just such a rare jewel. Admittedly she wouldn't be just anyone's cup of tea though but then in reality none of us are.

Edited May 20, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

But eh , l def' get the shopping thing haha, l'm a bugger for that myself actually but you should see my partner trying to choose clothes , and phones, my God.