Feel like trust may have been broken / suspicion? Is there a way to reverse this?

[kidinfo1]

I’ve been down due to some things going on and my life and was talking to my long time gf about a good time we had where we went on a surprise date i set up

later that day when she got home she asked if i had been using one of her devices to read her messages, apparently her work ipad has them on there. The bad timing of it all, is that she was just talking to her friend about wanting a surprise date, and i just tried using her ipad to download a video app so i can watch on a bigger screen in the bath while she was at work, which prompted for a password input which i tried but it denied me. 

using the ipad isn’t unusual for me, i usually use it in the bath or on my lunch at work sometimes, and i always uninstall the app i use and redownload it since it’s her work ipad  

but it seems like after that convo we had, she had a thought i did that and she changed her password, so when i went to redownload the app and try the old pw, it blocked me

she wasn’t especially accusatory and she seemed to accept what happened, honestly it’s her work ipad i didn’t even think about personal messages being on there  

but i just feel like something may be tainted now. and i would hate for that to be the case since we’ve been together for 8 years…

 

is there anything i can do?

[smackie9]

I have to ask....did you ask for permission to use the Ipad? Does she know you were using it? If you didn't, that's an invasion of her property/privacy. So this may take awhile to dissolve. Nothing really you can do about it. She heard you out, but how she feels can't be changed until some amount of time passes. 

Edited May 17, 2022 by smackie9

[glows]

Did you read her messages?

I'm not sure what gave you the idea that using her work ipad for any reason would be a good idea. Did she tell you that you were welcome to use it for your personal reasons or entertainment? 

I ask to get a better idea of what started you off using it at all. You need to have a chat with her and likely apologize for the casual usage. What's your communication like in general also in your relationship? 

[kidinfo1]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I have to ask....did you ask for permission to use the Ipad? Does she know you were using it? If you didn't, that's an invasion of her property/privacy. So this may take awhile to dissolve. Nothing really you can do about it. She heard you out, but how she feels can't be changed until some amount of time passes. 

 

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Did you read her messages?

I'm not sure what gave you the idea that using her work ipad for any reason would be a good idea. Did she tell you that you were welcome to use it for your personal reasons or entertainment? 

I ask to get a better idea of what started you off using it at all. You need to have a chat with her and likely apologize for the casual usage. What's your communication like in general also in your relationship? 

 

hi,

yeah to answer both of your questions, she’s aware i use it for baths and on my lunch, she basically does the same thing and she’s the one who offered it to me for baths, cause she does the same thing. that’s how i got the old password in the first place, she gave it to me when i needed to enter it into the app store to download the app i was looking for

i guess i should have mentioned that. as well as the fact she doesn’t use it for work, she just leaves it at home and we both use it for personal reasons as a tablet

and no, it was given to her by work so i didn’t even think to look on there for messages

[glows]

1 minute ago, kidinfo1 said:

 

 

hi,

yeah to answer both of your questions, she’s aware i use it for baths and on my lunch, she basically does the same thing and she’s the one who offered it to me for baths, cause she does the same thing. that’s how i got the old password in the first place, she gave it to me when i needed to enter it into the app store to download the app i was looking for

i guess i should have mentioned that. as well as the fact she doesn’t use it for work, she just leaves it at home and we both use it for personal reasons as a tablet

and no, it was given to her by work so i didn’t even think to look on there for messages

I'd bring it up in conversation and start off by being open to the thought that she may not want you to be using it as often (so stay as neutral and calm as possible) and ask her if she had to  change the password recently for the ipad. It may be she changed it for another reason, nothing to do with you.

[chillii]

Deep down she thinks you were snooping , but at least she didn't go mental over it.

8yrs , you should know ea other very very well and you must've ridden out many things that would make this so nothing, just give it time. Although trust or suspicions of suspicions and anything along those lines are unnerving in any relationship for sure , but you were on the level , she'll see that in time, even inside.

Unless your actually suspecting her now ? 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, kidinfo1 said:

 

 

hi,

yeah to answer both of your questions, she’s aware i use it for baths and on my lunch, she basically does the same thing and she’s the one who offered it to me for baths, cause she does the same thing. that’s how i got the old password in the first place, she gave it to me when i needed to enter it into the app store to download the app i was looking for

i guess i should have mentioned that. as well as the fact she doesn’t use it for work, she just leaves it at home and we both use it for personal reasons as a tablet

and no, it was given to her by work so i didn’t even think to look on there for messages

you shouldn’t be using a work iPad for other things. It’s possible you logging into it causes triggers at work for messages and it’s possible that messages that go to that iPad if opened doesn’t go to her other computer.

 

as for the password change…thus could have bern a result of a software upgrade where she had to reset the password through her work email.

 

she could  be pissed at you and changed it on you ( possibly because she got scolded at work fir the porn you looked at)

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, kidinfo1 said:

 we’ve been together for 8 years…

Do you live together? The best thing you can do is only use your own devices and stop sharing them.

Also change all your passcodes on all your devices. Get yourself your own devices especially if you are using them where you could damage them, such as in the bathtub.

Yes, messing with someone's devices and passwords will cause conflict so that's easily removed by using your own devices..

Personally I would never let someone drag my expensive devices into a bathtub, no less have anyone rifling through them, when they can use (and damage) their own devices.

Promise her you'll stop using her devices and you're sorry for doing this.

Edited May 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[kidinfo1]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

Deep down she thinks you were snooping , but at least she didn't go mental over it.

8yrs , you should know ea other very very well and you must've ridden out many things that would make this so nothing, just give it time. Although trust or suspicions of suspicions and anything along those lines are unnerving in any relationship for sure , but you were on the level , she'll see that in time, even inside.

Unless your actually suspecting her now ? 

no i’m not suspecting her of anything, the only thing i’m suspecting her of now is being secretly pissed at me or wanting to end things now over this

 

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you shouldn’t be using a work iPad for other things. It’s possible you logging into it causes triggers at work for messages and it’s possible that messages that go to that iPad if opened doesn’t go to her other computer.

 

as for the password change…thus could have bern a result of a software upgrade where she had to reset the password through her work email.

 

she could  be pissed at you and changed it on you ( possibly because she got scolded at work fir the porn you looked at)

nooo i wasn’t looking at porn on there lol  usually just Twitch to watch some streamers. And i doubt it, she works for a really small business and they don’t have security on there 

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? The best thing you can do is only use your own devices and stop sharing them.

Also change all your passcodes on all your devices. Get yourself your own devices especially if you are using them where you could damage them, such as in the bathtub.

Yes, messing with someone's devices and passwords will cause conflict so that's easily removed by using your own devices..

Personally I would never let someone drag my expensive devices into a bathtub, no less have anyone rifling through them, when they can use (and damage) their own devices.

Promise her you'll stop using her devices and you're sorry for doing this.

yeah we live together, and it was never really an issue before hand because she’s offered it to me to use before, but yeah i’m just gonna leave it alone from now on…. causes more trouble than good

[glows]

12 minutes ago, kidinfo1 said:

no i’m not suspecting her of anything, the only thing i’m suspecting her of now is being secretly pissed at me or wanting to end things now over this

Do you suffer from anxiety or are there other arguments and disagreements between the two of you in your relationship? A healthy relationship doesn't fall apart over an ipad password or messages read or not read. There's giving each other the benefit of the doubt and above all, trust, that your partner wouldn't actively do such a thing or snoop. This may have nothing to do with you. 

[kidinfo1]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you suffer from anxiety or are there other arguments and disagreements between the two of you in your relationship? A healthy relationship doesn't fall apart over an ipad password or messages read or not read. There's giving each other the benefit of the doubt and above all, trust, that your partner wouldn't actively do such a thing or snoop. This may have nothing to do with you. 

funny you mention that, i actually do suffer from anxiety (diagnosed anxiety and depression). been dealing with it for about 15 years. i recently made an appointment with a therapist because i realize i need help again - i go through waves of it

and no we never fight. we do have disagreements once in awhile (just small ones), but we usually just apologize and hug/laugh it out right away. this is the first time in 8 years where i’ve felt like this

this may be just be something that’s building up cause i’ve had a lot of problems in the past few months that have been weighing on me… been super depressed and dealing with family issues that have been making me a bit in my head making me feel guilty about not being as fun or present in the relationship as i normally am. i’ve talked about this with her and she’s been understanding and helpful, but then this happened and i was just worried this would be thing that breaks us and i really don’t want that to happen…

[glows]

4 minutes ago, kidinfo1 said:

funny you mention that, i actually do suffer from anxiety (diagnosed anxiety and depression). been dealing with it for about 15 years. i recently made an appointment with a therapist because i realize i need help again - i go through waves of it

and no we never fight. we do have disagreements once in awhile (just small ones), but we usually just apologize and hug/laugh it out right away. this is the first time in 8 years where i’ve felt like this

this may be just be something that’s building up cause i’ve had a lot of problems in the past few months that have been weighing on me… been super depressed and dealing with family issues that have been making me a bit in my head making me feel guilty about not being as fun or present in the relationship as i normally am. i’ve talked about this with her and she’s been understanding and helpful, but then this happened and i was just worried this would be thing that breaks us and i really don’t want that to happen…

That's a great positive start in the right direction making an appointment with your therapist. Have you also considered seeing your doctor? He/she may prescribe meds to help. There is only so much that an S.O. can help with.

Try not to let the issue with the password bother you for now as you don't know the answer. Speak with her about it. If you don't have other issues and no history of betrayal/broken trust, there's no reason for your partner to doubt you. And similarly, if she's never broken your trust or given you reason to think she's going behind your back, why would she care at all that you looked at a message by accident? 

 

[kidinfo1]

1 hour ago, glows said:

That's a great positive start in the right direction making an appointment with your therapist. Have you also considered seeing your doctor? He/she may prescribe meds to help. There is only so much that an S.O. can help with.

Try not to let the issue with the password bother you for now as you don't know the answer. Speak with her about it. If you don't have other issues and no history of betrayal/broken trust, there's no reason for your partner to doubt you. And similarly, if she's never broken your trust or given you reason to think she's going behind your back, why would she care at all that you looked at a message by accident? 

 

thank you for the response! and yeah my doctor did prescribe me something for panic attacks, but i’m thinking maybe a daily med could potentially help as well, but i guess that’s something i’ll figure out as i continue with treatment!

the anxiety part of it all sucks, because now i’m thinking like, well even if she did think i did that, is she afraid of me potentially seeing something and that’s why she changed the PW? or is it just because obviously any normal person would like some reasonable privacy and finding out your messages were on a shared device would cause most people to reevaluate that? (i’m pretty sure i would as well lol). 

like i wonder since we’ve seemingly resolved it i should just let it go, she seems normal and fine, but my anxiety won’t let me forget about it and i keep thinking of all these potential scenarios. also, continuing to bring it up could just cause more problems if she’s obviously over it  ugh

 

 

[glows]

13 minutes ago, kidinfo1 said:

thank you for the response! and yeah my doctor did prescribe me something for panic attacks, but i’m thinking maybe a daily med could potentially help as well, but i guess that’s something i’ll figure out as i continue with treatment!

the anxiety part of it all sucks, because now i’m thinking like, well even if she did think i did that, is she afraid of me potentially seeing something and that’s why she changed the PW? or is it just because obviously any normal person would like some reasonable privacy and finding out your messages were on a shared device would cause most people to reevaluate that? (i’m pretty sure i would as well lol). 

like i wonder since we’ve seemingly resolved it i should just let it go, she seems normal and fine, but my anxiety won’t let me forget about it and i keep thinking of all these potential scenarios. also, continuing to bring it up could just cause more problems if she’s obviously over it  ugh

 

I'm not too clear here on what you both resolved. Did she give you the new password and mention why it was changed? 

[kidinfo1]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm not too clear here on what you both resolved. Did she give you the new password and mention why it was changed? 

she didn’t give me the new PW but relogged into it so i could download the app, and she didn’t really say why she changed it but i know she changed it the day this all happened cause i used it the day before with no issues

edit: also i mean resolved as in, she’s not mad and it doesn’t seem like she thinks i was snooping on her messages after we talked about it. and things are normal, no arguments or anything

Edited May 18, 2022 by kidinfo1

[glows]

Ask her if she feels you're overstepping by using the ipad so often. She may suggest something different. It never pays to stay silent on issues like this. All it takes is a gentle inquiry into whether you should be using the ipad. If she says no, then let it go. It is, afterall, not yours. You may also bypass all of this by getting your own ipad if it helps alleviate all this anxiety in the long run. 

How is your physical health? See your doctor if your diet and exercise are playing a role in poor physical health as this affects mental health also, how we feel about ourselves or perceive others/situations.

 

Edited May 18, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Well, it's a work device.

It would be reasonable for it to have a password she alone knows.

I probably wouldn't care if one of my devices didn't have a password if I shared my home with a romantic partner for that long. 

Conversely, there does need to be some degree of autonomy. 

In other words, "I love you, and I'm committed to you, but it doesn't mean you have access to my whole digital life, and I don't have access to yours."

It seems to me that your concern is that you aren't as satisfied or fulfilled in other areas of your life, and that as a consequence, she might not be as happy or fulfilled in your relationship anymore.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, kidinfo1 said:

she’s not mad and it doesn’t seem like she thinks i was snooping on her messages after we talked about it

Let the dust settle and use your own devices. She's not angry or breaking up.

[kidinfo1]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, it's a work device.

It would be reasonable for it to have a password she alone knows.

I probably wouldn't care if one of my devices didn't have a password if I shared my home with a romantic partner for that long. 

Conversely, there does need to be some degree of autonomy. 

In other words, "I love you, and I'm committed to you, but it doesn't mean you have access to my whole digital life, and I don't have access to yours."

It seems to me that your concern is that you aren't as satisfied or fulfilled in other areas of your life, and that as a consequence, she might not be as happy or fulfilled in your relationship anymore.

yeah i guess this is true. i’ve been seriously lacking confidence lately. a lot of it comes from my whole close friend group drifting apart, we’ve all moved away from each other or they have kids / married. i work remotely without much opportunity to make friends and my girlfriend has a handful that she can always hang with. i don’t have anyone and it makes me feel bad about myself, and in turn sad with the relationship because i feel like i come off as a loser

 

6 hours ago, glows said:

Ask her if she feels you're overstepping by using the ipad so often. She may suggest something different. It never pays to stay silent on issues like this. All it takes is a gentle inquiry into whether you should be using the ipad. If she says no, then let it go. It is, afterall, not yours. You may also bypass all of this by getting your own ipad if it helps alleviate all this anxiety in the long run. 

How is your physical health? See your doctor if your diet and exercise are playing a role in poor physical health as this affects mental health also, how we feel about ourselves or perceive others/situations.

 

yeah i’ve been out of the gym for years. i used to have a great body but i’m slowly morphing to dad bod lol. a lot of things just need to change for me and this situation is like brining it all up and in the open in my head

 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle and use your own devices. She's not angry or breaking up.

to answer you and @glows i did wind up talking to her before i revisited this site, which i think was a good thing. i told her that i was questioning why she would even think that about me. like is that how she really thinks i am?

turns out she was feeling like i had something on my mind since yesterday when this happened, and she thought i might have been feeling guilty since i was so sad about this all day yesterday and today and didn’t really question why she would ask that in the first place. 

in reality it was just my anxiety making me over think, and more worried about our relationship then even considering why she would think of me like that in the first place 

apparently there was one other coincidence where this happened (i talked about what she was talking about in texts), but it something we’ve both talked about before anyway so she thought nothing of it, but then after this second time she started to think it was a possibility and that’s why she brought it up. but like we live together and are together almost 24/7 since we both work from home, i guess it’s bound to happen?

after i took control of myself back and actually questioned why she would even think that, pretty sure it made her realize i was innocent.

she also said even if i was snooping she wouldn’t break up with me she would just be upset. which made me feel better. 

but the anxious side of me still feels like she may have a suspicion deep down. and i hate to think about her thinking i’m lying. but i’m dropping it with her for now. we’ve both talked about it, and now i just need to let the shock and dust settle. i’m sure as we get back to doing fun things well laugh about this misunderstanding in the future. at least i hope lol

[glows]

Good that you both talked it out and cleared up any misunderstanding. Let it go now and don’t let your anxiety run the show regarding suspicions.

Take breaks and get out of the house, go on brisk walks and get your heart rate up. Stay active and moving.

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, kidinfo1 said:

yeah i guess this is true. i’ve been seriously lacking confidence lately. a lot of it comes from my whole close friend group drifting apart, we’ve all moved away from each other or they have kids / married. i work remotely without much opportunity to make friends and my girlfriend has a handful that she can always hang with. i don’t have anyone and it makes me feel bad about myself, and in turn sad with the relationship because i feel like i come off as a loser

That doesn’t make you a loser.

The zipper on my pants won't work. My rationale for believing they still fit is that they make me feel comfortable, but then I realize that's not the case.

This was probably just a blip between you and your girlfriend.

In the meantime, I hope you will take good care of yourself!