I'm getting mixed messages from this guy. Is he uninterested, busy, or already in a relationship?

[Spunjy]

 

The guy I’ve been talking to (on a dating site) has his ‘looking for’ section set to ‘friends only’, yet we exchange flirty messages/ photos and he suggested meeting up and treating me to dinner. He takes days to reply in between messages. Does it sound like he is already in a relationship?

We (I’m 30f, he’s 30m) met up a couple times about 5 years ago.  I messaged him on a dating site 2 weeks ago and we got chatting again. I can take a while to reply but he takes days (4 has been the most in between so far) and I’m not sure if this means he’s not interested. I’m a bit confused about the ‘looking for: friends’ thing too. He said he’d hit me up if he was in my area, because he was planning on coming down for something else anyway (not sure if it was an excuse) and we’ve been pretty flirty with one another and exchanging photos of our bodies. He said he thinks I’m super hot. Does he want to hook up or not? I’m really confused

He’s online on the dating website sporadically throughout the day (maybe like 3 times a day for a short period of time) but he still hasn’t replied to me, and it’s been nearly 6 days. Our messages are usually quite long, with a few different threads to reply to. He apologised for the late reply last time and said that the start of the week is usually busy, but he didn’t respond over the weekend either. I think my last response was really cringey because I was a little high (smoked half a j before replying) so do you think he’s put off by that?

 I remember last time we hooked up he gave conflicting messages too—while we were having sex he was really into it and said ‘we should do this more often’ but afterwards he started texting me less. It was really good sex too and I’m pretty certain we clicked sexually. Is there a chance he could already be in a relationship and has been all this time? The ‘looking for: friends’ thing is my main reason for thinking this.

Edit: just to clarify, I don’t mind only hooking up with this guy, but he’s making me feel like he doesn’t even want that when he doesn’t reply for so long?

[stillafool]

If you are confused about his dating site settings you need to ask him to clarify.  There's nothing wrong with asking.  It sounds to me from the way you describe him is that he's not into anything serious because he's got plenty of options.  He's 30 so the field is wide open for him.  When a guy is interested in you you don't have to wonder because they make it perfectly clear of their interest.  Saying "we should do this more often" after sex and even if it was good does not mean he wants a relationship with you but just more sex sometime.  He isn't asking to take you out on a date or to go away with him which to me would show he has a romantic interest instead of just a sexual one.  I'm not sure what you're looking for but if you think continuing to have sex with him is going to morph into a relationship I doubt it.  

13 minutes ago, Spunjy said:

Edit: just to clarify, I don’t mind only hooking up with this guy, but he’s making me feel like he doesn’t even want that when he doesn’t reply for so long?

Why would you want to hook up with a guy who has low interest in you?

[glows]

It means he's dating others and you might want to also. You're very low in his priorities even for casual dating and he may be looking for other partners or spending time with other partners he enjoys more time with. I'm sorry.

[smackie9]

Nothing confusing...he's not that into you but if the opportunity arises that he might be passing by, he'll hit you up for sex. That's it. The flirting is to pass time away, keep you in his back pocket, or an ego boost. 

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds totally normal for guys who want a hookup. They aren't into messages and basically take their sweet time to get back to you. I understand why you are hyperfocused on his texting habits, it's tough to detach as hard as you may want to try. I'm not sure you'll be able to turn someone like this guy who is super casual into a boyfriend. It's pretty rare and he doesn't seem THAT into even a casual relationship. Best to move on to find someone who wants what you do. Date others and leave this guy alone.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Spunjy said:

The guy I’ve been talking to (on a dating site) has his ‘looking for’ section set to ‘friends only

I think there is an unwritten rule on a dating site that if someone says that they are looking for friends, it actually means that they are looking for friends with benefits or something casual. Who actually in his or her right mind goes on a dating site with the notion of making an actual platonic friend? lol. Same as saying friends first. Opposed to what? Enemies first, lol. You usually know within couple of dates whether or not you are compatible and/or want to date that person. So, what exactly friends first is going to do since most people date for quite a bit before making any major decisions (such us moving in together or getting married). Not much. People, who actually want a long term relationship, have zero problems selecting the long term relationship option. Simple as that. This should have been your first clue about this guy's intentions. 

It totally depends on what you are looking for. But if you are after a dating or a long term relationship, you are wasting your time with this guy. If you want to have fun now and then infrequently, here you go, he is your guy (just make sure you use an adequate protection with him).

[Ami1uwant]

I’m sure he’ll booty call you when he’s in the mood…

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Spunjy said:

  I messaged him on a dating site 2 weeks ago and we got chatting again. He said he’d hit me up if he was in my area, because he was planning on coming down for something else anyway 

Unfortunately he doesn't seem too interested in more than a drive-by hookup for whatever reason.

[ExpatInItaly]

He’ll hook up with you if he’s in your area, but he’s not interested beyond that. 

I’m sorry, OP. His actions are making this very clear: if you’re looking for a potential dating prospect, this guy is not it. 

[bene]

He could be in a relationship and “looking for friends” is to save face as if he’s not downright looking for an affair. “Hey, I’m not cheating, can’t a guy have friends?”. People don’t really make friends in dating apps.

 

[Alpacalia]

There are no mixed signals.

It was a casual encounter with a man who was receptive to a shared attitude toward being casual. 

On 5/17/2022 at 2:42 PM, Spunjy said:

Edit: just to clarify, I don’t mind only hooking up with this guy, but he’s making me feel like he doesn’t even want that when he doesn’t reply for so long?

This isn't really true, though, is it?

Be intentional. If this is your jam, then call it that without any emotional attachment; if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, acknowledge that you’re in a period of sex as a pastime with him and that he's just busy and a flaky boob and thinks way more about himself than he does about you.

[chillii]

 

l'm confused as to what any of it even matters if your happy with casual yourself anyway. But nope he's def' not interested in anything more and that not only shows in everything he does and your pasts with ea other on top of it, but he says right there to, he only wants friends anyway.

[introverted1]

My take is that he is low-key interested in a possible hookup.

He's definitely not after a relationship and it doesn't even seem he wants to be FWB with you.  He might contact you if/when he wants sex and his preferred options are not available.

Sorry.