Mofran Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 My boyfriend is a massive overthinker. He usually dwells on my previous sex life and on experiences I’ve had with my previous boyfriend. When he overthinks it consumes him and I can tell instantly something is wrong so I will ask him about it. Usually it ends up with me in tears because it makes me feel guilty and that something I have done in the past is affecting him so negatively. He has recently told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about it because I just get upset and he feels like he has no one to talk to. I’m not sure what to do..
basil67 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 He's right to not discuss this with you further. He should never have been discussing it with you! You've done nothing wrong and this is his issue. He needs to address it on his own terms with his own therapist. Further, if he should raise the topic again, tell him that this is his problem and you're not going to engage any further on the topic. 2
glows Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 3 hours ago, Mofran said: My boyfriend is a massive overthinker. He usually dwells on my previous sex life and on experiences I’ve had with my previous boyfriend. When he overthinks it consumes him and I can tell instantly something is wrong so I will ask him about it. Usually it ends up with me in tears because it makes me feel guilty and that something I have done in the past is affecting him so negatively. He has recently told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about it because I just get upset and he feels like he has no one to talk to. I’m not sure what to do.. Don't volunteer any details. Do you have a history of abusive relationships? You're enabling his issues but continuing to ask if he's ok. Stop doing that and be a bit more confident that the relationship will carry itself without you constantly checking in. And if he continues to find fault with you based on your sexual or romantic past, rethink the relationship. I'm more concerned about your anxiousness thinking that you need to talk about your past or overexplain yourself. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 This is 100% his problem, not yours. Of course you did nothing wrong by simply having a sexual history before you were with him.... stop letting his dysfunctional behavior manipulate you into feeling guilty about it. Everyone has a past. He was right to say he doesn't want to talk to you anymore about it. But I would not continue dating this person if this behavior continues, if I were you. 1
Author Mofran Posted May 16, 2022 Author Posted May 16, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: Don't volunteer any details. Do you have a history of abusive relationships? You're enabling his issues but continuing to ask if he's ok. Stop doing that and be a bit more confident that the relationship will carry itself without you constantly checking in. And if he continues to find fault with you based on your sexual or romantic past, rethink the relationship. I'm more concerned about your anxiousness thinking that you need to talk about your past or overexplain yourself. No, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I was only 19 when I first got in a relationship and we were both very naive so it didn’t end well and he struggles with the fact I did stuff with someone who wasn’t a great boyfriend. He has only ever been in one relationship and neither himself or his ex had a past as they got together when they were very young so I think that plays a massive role in his overthinking that he has not been with someone who has slept with people other than him
glows Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 (edited) What stands out to me is the oversharing and you thinking that you need to help him. There is nothing you can help him with. I think both of you will get over this hump and rough spot if you can learn to appreciate each other in the now, be more present and mindful now, here, today. You may feel you need to tell each other everything and very often there's a lot of insecurity due to inexperience, not being someone's first, someone having had more sexual partners if you're both new to relationships. Try for more discretion and avoid oversharing. If you see him upset or dwelling, let him work through it on his own and come back to you another time. It's important you remain confident that the relationship is based on more than your past. It also means making new memories and looking forward to your future together. Edited May 16, 2022 by glows 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 The next time he says he has nobody to talk to, tell him to make an appointment with a counsellor. His jealousy and insecurity is his problem to deal with and should not be your problem to resolve. That's beyond the scope of your role as a girlfriend, but it's exactly what professional counsellors are trained to navigate. Stop having these conversations with him. What you did in your past with your ex is not his business, and it's inappropriate of him to continue asking. You and he both need to learn better boundaries - he so he stops sticking his nose where it doesn't belong, and you so you learn to draw a line in the sand when the conversation becomes invasive. If he persists, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider the relationship. That sort of behaviour is very damaging and will do a number of your self-worth, and it's not what a healthy relationship looks like. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 9 hours ago, Mofran said: . He has recently told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about it because I just get upset and he feels like he has no one to talk to. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Yes. End it. If he needs someone to talk to, let him find a therapist who can help him. Jealousy, possessiveness, guilt tripping, blaming and shaming are all forms of emotional abuse. You need to end it. Your past sexual history is your business. It's not your job to tolerate his abuse issues and jump through his hoops. 2
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 12 hours ago, Mofran said: I’m not sure what to do.. He needs to get some counselling or you need to end the relationship, unfortunately. 3
Guildford Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 When your boyfriend acts like this, tell him that you are the sum total of your prior relationships and they have made you what you are today. If he loves you, then he should appreciate your past for it made you what you are today. You have seen the rest and you have picked the best, your current boyfriend. Good luck. 1
understand50 Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 OK, First, your boyfriend is off base. It is your past. The only time the past of a partner should come up, and be discussed is if it will effect the present or future of the relationship or marriage. A general knowledge of by the of both of you of your pasts should be shared, but details - no. I wish you luck. 1
smackie9 Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 You can't solve this, and you can't help him. This is 100% his problem, not yours to deal with. He needs professional therapy to change this behavior. The only thing you can do is leave the relationship. This is pretty much abuse, and it will not get any better only worse. You can say all you want about it being in the past, means nothing etc. It will not matter to him. He needs to be kicked to the curb. 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 11 hours ago, Mofran said: No, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I was only 19 when I first got in a relationship and we were both very naive so it didn’t end well and he struggles with the fact I did stuff with someone who wasn’t a great boyfriend. He has only ever been in one relationship and neither himself or his ex had a past as they got together when they were very young so I think that plays a massive role in his overthinking that he has not been with someone who has slept with people other than him Without knowing the details it’s hard to say but he coukd be viewing this past history as a negative against you like “ how can someone so smart do something so dumb” or “ if you cheated on him then, how do I know you won’t do that same thing to me”
dramafreezone Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 (edited) 18 hours ago, Mofran said: My boyfriend is a massive overthinker. He usually dwells on my previous sex life and on experiences I’ve had with my previous boyfriend. When he overthinks it consumes him and I can tell instantly something is wrong so I will ask him about it. Usually it ends up with me in tears because it makes me feel guilty and that something I have done in the past is affecting him so negatively. He has recently told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about it because I just get upset and he feels like he has no one to talk to. I’m not sure what to do.. Sounds like classic insecurity, like he doesn't feel worthy of you, doesn't feel as though he is satisfying you sexually. When that happens people will dwell on who came before them, and will often show jealousy when faced with the possibility that you may leave them for another person. He needs to talk to a therapist. What you can tell him is that if you wanted to be with your previous boyfriend you would be, but you're with him instead. Eventually though I know this type of insecurity gets tiresome to deal with. Edited May 16, 2022 by dramafreezone 1
glows Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 I'm leaning towards this taking two and it being a combined effort of two individuals in an unhealthy dynamic. You'll have to learn to put your foot down and establish better boundaries as a whole and your boyfriend will have to understand that you come with past, present and future. Try not to dwell on the past as a couple. Also know that you cannot make up for someone else's insecurities. That's work that a person has to deal with on their own. There is only so much you can do in a loving relationship before you may have to admit to yourself that you're with someone who's vastly incapable of being with someone like you or incompatible overall.
stillafool Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 15 hours ago, Mofran said: No, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I was only 19 when I first got in a relationship and we were both very naive so it didn’t end well and he struggles with the fact I did stuff with someone who wasn’t a great boyfriend. He has only ever been in one relationship and neither himself or his ex had a past as they got together when they were very young so I think that plays a massive role in his overthinking that he has not been with someone who has slept with people other than him If he's bothering you just break up with him and get a guy who is more understanding about your past and not ask questions. It's doubtful this will last.
Wiseman2 Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, Mofran said: He usually dwells on my previous sex life . He has recently told me he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore about it because I just get upset and he feels like he has no one to talk to. I’m not sure what to do.. Of course you get upset. He is beating you up for a past you can't change, makes no difference and is none of his business. He is engaging in a lot of toxic shaming and guilt-tripping for doing nothing wrong. Whether he has mental health issues or is simply controlling and self -important is unknown. But you do know he makes you feel awful and is trying to rip down your self-respect. Edited May 16, 2022 by Wiseman2
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