Complicated-Love

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Shanka Blues said:

I believe I cheated because I felt lonely for a long time, being in lockdown I was very bored living alone. & happen to meet the other person with no kind of expectations. I used to be very attracted to my boyfriend it weened off after these circumstances. Don’t get me wrong , I still love him just don’t feel deserving after all this and potentially not being fulfilled in the relationship in the future. I am confused. 

There are few people who enjoy being alone, and it's even worse if you aren't really alone.

The fear of loneliness, however, is keeping you from making smart choices and keeps you stuck in a place where you shouldn't be.

What you're saying is that your boyfriend would barely see you during lockdown? How about now? Is that still the case?

Have you discussed with him at any point how the relationship has been unfulfilling for you?

Let's be honest, only two people, as self-respecting individuals, are going to debate what will work and what won't work for them regarding their relationship. That means standing up for yourself and your needs.

You seem resigned to circumstances that you believe you have no control over.  Once you get some clarity, you will start to realize that you do indeed play a vital role.

No matter how you slice it, you can't keep living a lie with two men who you want to be close to. Neither seems ideal. 

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Shanka Blues]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

There are few people who enjoy being alone, and it's even worse if you aren't really alone.

The fear of loneliness, however, is keeping you from making smart choices and keeps you stuck in a place where you shouldn't be.

What you're saying is that your boyfriend would barely see you during lockdown? How about now? Is that still the case?

Have you discussed with him how the relationship has become unfulfilling for you?

Let's be honest, only two people, as self-respecting individuals, are going to debate what will work and what won't work for them regarding their relationship. That means standing up for yourself and your needs.

You seem resigned to circumstances that you believe you have no control over.  Once you get some clarity, you will start to realize that you do indeed play a vital role.

No matter how you slice it, you can't keep living a lie with two men who you want to be close to. Neither seems ideal. 

 

You’re so right and have given so much good advice, thank you. Now, honestly I have been isolating my self from everyone except my family. He wants to hang out now. I think I’ve gotten used to not seeing him. I think self isolation is away of coping trying to figure everything out before I make a move 

[glows]

Do you have the support of family? Close friends? You will need it if you are contemplating ending two relationships at the same time. Fill your life up with goals you can work towards and look forward to. Let go of the negative self-talk or thoughts about feeling lonely or that you can't find happiness again. People remain locked in dysfunctional relationships believing there is nothing else better but it couldn't be further from the truth. What these two relationships lack in depth, intimacy, healthy communication and support, you will have to find through other means in your support system. 

It's very natural to want to self-isolate but don't retreat too far because you will need that support from your friends, family and your community. Keep posting if it helps.

[Shanka Blues]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Do you have the support of family? Close friends? You will need it if you are contemplating ending two relationships at the same time. Fill your life up with goals you can work towards and look forward to. Let go of the negative self-talk or thoughts about feeling lonely or that you can't find happiness again. People remain locked in dysfunctional relationships believing there is nothing else better but it couldn't be further from the truth. What these two relationships lack in depth, intimacy, healthy communication and support, you will have to find through other means in your support system. 

It's very natural to want to self-isolate but don't retreat too far because you will need that support from your friends, family and your community. Keep posting if it helps.

Yes , thankfully I’m close to my grandpa. & I agree, the negative thoughts and inner loud voice can be disturbing. True, isolating is helps but not for too long. Just need to learn how to look forward in faith for the future. Posting does and did help,  nobody really knows about this. It’s good to actually hear input and finally getting it off of my chest someway somehow, with productive feedback and advice. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Shanka Blues said:

You’re so right and have given so much good advice, thank you. Now, honestly I have been isolating my self from everyone except my family. He wants to hang out now. I think I’ve gotten used to not seeing him. I think self isolation is away of coping trying to figure everything out before I make a move 

Happy to hear it was helpful.

Two years of barely interacting with you. Suddenly he wants to see you? Curious about how that happened.

Some of the qualities you said that you like about your boyfriend are that he has always encouraged you, given you advice, and been with you through good times and bad.

However, the boyfriend you have does not excite your sexual appetite.

Nor are you attracted to him romantically.

Faced with knowing it is impossible for you to have sexual relations with him because of his religious beliefs, what inspired you to begin this relationship?

False thinking extends beyond what you do (or did) dishonestly because the harm to your self-esteem, your daily life, and your worldview extends so far that it's elusive to map.

Putting aside all the personal issues these two men have, it makes sense to need two men in your life, who will reassure you and show affection to you, as well as have sex with you.

At first, you might not understand. INTEND to understand that you hurt yourself every single second you continue to live as you do. At first, it might seem painful, but it's also incredibly beautiful: to see that you are the one being bamboozled most. That’s a moment of pure light. 

[Shanka Blues]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Happy to hear it was helpful.

Two years of barely interacting with you. Suddenly he wants to see you? Curious about how that happened.

Some of the qualities you said that you like about your boyfriend are that he has always encouraged you, given you advice, and been with you through good times and bad.

However, the boyfriend you have does not excite your sexual appetite.

Nor are you attracted to him romantically.

Faced with knowing it is impossible for you to have sexual relations with him because of his religious beliefs, what inspired you to begin this relationship?

False thinking extends beyond what you do (or did) dishonestly because the harm to your self-esteem, your daily life, and your worldview extends so far that it's elusive to map.

Putting aside all the personal issues these two men have, it makes sense to need two men in your life, who will reassure you and show affection to you, as well as have sex with you.

At first, you might not understand. INTEND to understand that you hurt yourself every single second you continue to live as you do. At first, it might seem painful, but it's also incredibly beautiful: to see that you are the one being bamboozled most. That’s a moment of pure light. 

Yep it hurts.. it effects me definitely, and i notice on the self esteem lately. it always on my mind and posting about is my only outlet besides writing it. We had sex in the beginning until one day before quarantine happened,  he told me he’s getting close to his God and we can no longer have sex.. it hit me by surprise out of nowhere. I agreed but it got difficult after a while and he knew this. Sex isn’t everything but helps nurture a bond in a romantic relationship. Yes! The light is pretty darn strong haha. I think because I was don’t intend to hurt anyone and was expecting this kind of unfolding

[Shanka Blues]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Happy to hear it was helpful.

Two years of barely interacting with you. Suddenly he wants to see you? Curious about how that happened.

Some of the qualities you said that you like about your boyfriend are that he has always encouraged you, given you advice, and been with you through good times and bad.

However, the boyfriend you have does not excite your sexual appetite.

Nor are you attracted to him romantically.

Faced with knowing it is impossible for you to have sexual relations with him because of his religious beliefs, what inspired you to begin this relationship?

False thinking extends beyond what you do (or did) dishonestly because the harm to your self-esteem, your daily life, and your worldview extends so far that it's elusive to map.

Putting aside all the personal issues these two men have, it makes sense to need two men in your life, who will reassure you and show affection to you, as well as have sex with you.

At first, you might not understand. INTEND to understand that you hurt yourself every single second you continue to live as you do. At first, it might seem painful, but it's also incredibly beautiful: to see that you are the one being bamboozled most. That’s a moment of pure light. 

Reason why we stopped seeing each other was because of his family and himself getting Covid 

[glows]

28 minutes ago, Shanka Blues said:

We had sex in the beginning until one day before quarantine happened,  he told me he’s getting close to his God and we can no longer have sex.. it hit me by surprise out of nowhere. 

This seems very strange. I'm all for enlightenment but you'll have to decide if this makes sense to you, in what you feel is most fulfilling in a relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, Shanka Blues said:

Reason why we stopped seeing each other was because of his family and himself getting Covid 

Yes, you already said this. 

But it's still very little for a couple, even in the context of the pandemic - it's barely a relationship anymore.  I think you already know that your relationship is dead in the water, but you're afraid of letting go in case things with this other guy don't work out. But really, what would you be letting go of? Someone who's more a friend than a boyfriend. And a friend who hardly ever makes time for you. 

It appears that neither of these guys is really right for you, but you need to figure out why you're keeping yourself in limbo here. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Shanka Blues said:

,  he told me he’s getting close to his God and we can no longer have sex.. 

It may be best to cease contact with either of these 2 men. One does not want to see you because of his parents and the other is an alcoholic.

Neither of those situations are viable.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Shanka Blues said:

Yep it hurts.. it effects me definitely, and i notice on the self esteem lately. it always on my mind and posting about is my only outlet besides writing it. We had sex in the beginning until one day before quarantine happened,  he told me he’s getting close to his God and we can no longer have sex.. it hit me by surprise out of nowhere. I agreed but it got difficult after a while and he knew this. Sex isn’t everything but helps nurture a bond in a romantic relationship. Yes! The light is pretty darn strong haha. I think because I was don’t intend to hurt anyone and was expecting this kind of unfolding

Yep, I hate that blinding light too. 

The boyfriend who stops seeing you and having sex with you? This is a real gut punch.

Some people really do have the power to make our lives miserable, huh?

So I will gently suggest that you consider how much of your unhappiness comes from your boyfriend, and how much from some more personal issue.

Again, why do you hold on to this relationship?

Needs aren't being met, and you're looking for them from someone else.

The truth is that your boyfriend isn't the real reason you're cheating, is he?  He isn't forcing you to do it. Take responsibility for your choice and consider how it might have resulted in you being less present in an already unsatisfying and non-present relationship.

As well, a post in this thread indicated that it is possible your boyfriend is romantically involved with another woman. I am inclined to believe that might be the case. It might be worth looking into if you haven't already.

 

[mark clemson]

Consider dropping the old BF and going out with the new one. 

Despite labels like "BF"/"GF", it doesn't sound like the "old" relationship really was one anymore. To me, it sounds more like a "backdrop" for the new relationship, and a backdrop that wasn't actually meeting your needs.

If I were in your situation, I'm fairly certain I'd just make it official with the new guy and let the old one move on with his life without you. He might be disappointed and hurt, but he'd almost certainly feel that way if he knew you slept with the new guy as well and you tried to stay together. The vast majority of relationships, in fact, don't stand the test of time, so it seems like it's time to put the old one to bed.

Edited May 16, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Consider dropping the old BF and going out with the new one. 

He's an alcoholic. 

In this case neither of these men are good for you. End it with both of them.

Start fresh. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local sober healthy men.

2 half men do not equal one whole man.

[mark clemson]

Fair enough - that's what I get for "skimming"...