Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 Hello, so since the pandemic, my boyfriend and I stopped seeing each other. We live in the same city but the reason was to keep him and his family safe from the virus just in case. I’m 2021, I met someone, unintentionally, we became friends instantly. One thing led to another and we have been intimate, the feeling of guilt overrides me. I like this person, we have common interests and come from similar backgrounds, but can’t get over guilt and no it’s not ideal relationship.I have not seen my boyfriend regularly, maybe 5 times over the last two years. And I don’t know what to do. I love him I’m just not sexually attracted to him. It’s a sexless relationship.
basil67 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 One step at a time. First you must assess your official relationship. You've said nothing good about the relationship, you're not sexually attracted to him and you barely see him. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me, so I have to ask why you haven't ended it. Serious question. Surely you'd be happier setting yourself free to pursue the kind of relationship you want. 3
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 1 hour ago, Shanka Blues said: I like this person, we have common interests and come from similar backgrounds Is this person aware you’re in a relationship? And is he also in any other relationships or is he dating you exclusively?
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 57 minutes ago, basil67 said: One step at a time. First you must assess your official relationship. You've said nothing good about the relationship, you're not sexually attracted to him and you barely see him. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me, so I have to ask why you haven't ended it. Serious question. Surely you'd be happier setting yourself free to pursue the kind of relationship you want. Thats a good point. I think the reason why I love him is because he is an amazing, just not on a romantic level. Well atleast recently. No sex because of his religion.
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 12 minutes ago, glows said: Is this person aware you’re in a relationship? And is he also in any other relationships or is he dating you exclusively? He’s asked about it in the beginning when we were “friends” and I expressed the situation , not too much in detail. Ever since then he hasn’t brought up any questions about it. As far as I know, he isn’t dating anyone
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 Just now, Shanka Blues said: He’s asked about it in the beginning when we were “friends” and I expressed the situation , not too much in detail. Ever since then he hasn’t brought up any questions about it. As far as I know, he isn’t dating anyone He brings up he wants to date me seriously but tell him I am not ready.
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 1 minute ago, Shanka Blues said: He’s asked about it in the beginning when we were “friends” and I expressed the situation , not too much in detail. Ever since then he hasn’t brought up any questions about it. As far as I know, he isn’t dating anyone Just now, Shanka Blues said: He brings up he wants to date me seriously but tell him I am not ready. It has been an unintentional spiral into something I didn’t want it to be. When I told him we can’t do this anymore. He would cry and come to my house saying he was gonna drink himself away.. intuitively I always felt bad
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Shanka Blues said: It has been an unintentional spiral into something I didn’t want it to be. When I told him we can’t do this anymore. He would cry and come to my house saying he was gonna drink himself away.. intuitively I always felt bad This behaviour seems worrying. Would you say he needs you more than he wants to be with you? Ie a strong involuntary need like an addiction? Does he drink quite a bit? Be wary of behaviours like this. Edited May 15, 2022 by glows
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) 10 minutes ago, glows said: This behaviour seems worrying. Would you say he needs you more than he wants to be with you? Ie a strong involuntarily need like an addiction? Does he drink quite a bit? Be wary of behaviours like this. I have that feeling. He says he doesn’t want to “lose me”. He did drink quite a bit, I believe he is in on a hiatus right now, but it comes back. I think I have been very emotionally weak to be honest. The pandemic has made me more vulnerable to temptations. And you know, I’m dealing with the guilt and not knowing if should like help this guy or work on my current relationship. Edited May 15, 2022 by Shanka Blues Correction
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Shanka Blues said: I have that feeling. He says he doesn’t want to “lose me”. He did drink quite a bit, I believe is in on a hiatus right now, but it comes back. I think I have been very emotionally weak to be honest. The pandemic has made me more vulnerable to temptations. And you know, I’m dealing with the guilt and not knowing if should like help this guy or work on my current relationship. It’s possible neither of these men are great choices in a life partner, let alone marriage material if you’re thinking of marriage down the line. Your current partner and you have been separated awhile and a line has been crossed with cheating. The man you’re seeing on the side seems very unstable. Be careful thinking that you’re stuck or needing to choose either of them for fear of loneliness or what others think such as friends or family. Do you feel like you need to choose between them? The toothpaste is out of the tube so feeling guilty or not, it’s not going to change what’s already happened. What you can do now is start thinking about what’s best for your mental/emotional health in the long run. Edited May 15, 2022 by glows 1
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 2 minutes ago, glows said: It’s possible neither of these men aren’t great choices in a life partner, let alone marriage material if you’re thinking of marriage down the line. Your current partner and you have been separated awhile and a line has been crossed with cheating. The man you’re seeing on the side seems very unstable. Be careful thinking that you’re stuck or needing to choose either of them for fear of loneliness or what others think such as friends or family. Do you feel like you need to choose between them? The toothpaste is out of the tube so feeling guilty or not, it’s not going to change what’s already happened. You’re right. I have thought about that. The idea of marriage scares me as of now. Nobody really knows about this, I think fear of being lonely makes it tougher but that’s what it is. . I do feel like I need to choose between them.. I get confused and seek clarity 1
basil67 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 You don't need to choose between them. Frankly, I'd suggest you choose neither. You don't have a functional relationship with your boyfriend and the guy you slept with doesn't seem to function well on a personal level. Now, you said that you're with your boyfriend because he's "amazing". Now, I don't know what "amazing" means to you, but if he was meeting all your needs you'd have a fulfilling relationship with him instead of lonely and dissatisfied. In which ways does he meet your needs? 3
chillii Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Shanka Blues said: It has been an unintentional spiral into something I didn’t want it to be. When I told him we can’t do this anymore. He would cry and come to my house saying he was gonna drink himself away.. intuitively I always felt bad Doesn't matter how unintentional it was or this so called guilt , you've kept going back for more and let it start and go on in the first place so that's all just words. First thing you need to do is break it of with your real bf, which you've had by the sounds mths and mths and mths to do but you haven't yet or stopped this one either sooo ahhh.Anyway , break it off with your real bf , then sort yourself and this out. Edited May 15, 2022 by chillii 2
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 22 minutes ago, glows said: It’s possible neither of these men are great choices in a life partner, let alone marriage material if you’re thinking of marriage down the line. Your current partner and you have been separated awhile and a line has been crossed with cheating. The man you’re seeing on the side seems very unstable. Be careful thinking that you’re stuck or needing to choose either of them for fear of loneliness or what others think such as friends or family. Do you feel like you need to choose between them? The toothpaste is out of the tube so feeling guilty or not, it’s not going to change what’s already happened. What you can do now is start thinking about what’s best for your mental/emotional health in the long run. Thank you very much. Yes it’s important
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: You don't need to choose between them. Frankly, I'd suggest you choose neither. You don't have a functional relationship with your boyfriend and the guy you slept with doesn't seem to function well on a personal level. Now, you said that you're with your boyfriend because he's "amazing". Now, I don't know what "amazing" means to you, but if he was meeting all your needs you'd have a fulfilling relationship with him instead of lonely and dissatisfied. In which ways does he meet your needs? He has always encouraged me, give me advice, always been with me through the highs and lows. Just no sex for religious his reasons.
basil67 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) But he's only seen you 5 times in two years and you live in the same city. That's not being "with you". And this distance is ridiculous now that we have rapid tests. If he leaves home to do grocery shopping or work, there's no reason he can't see you. At worst, the two of you could meet in open space, wearing masks and physically distanced. But he hasn't even offered that. I suspect he has another girl. Further, you've just described the basics of what a father does for a daughter....which could go a ways to explaining why you aren't sexually attracted to each other. You're not describing a boyfriend. What about fun, dating, good times, having a laugh with each other, and yes, sexual attraction. I know he's prohibited by his religion, but don't go choosing someone you don't want sex with - it would be terribly unfair to both of you. Edited May 15, 2022 by basil67 1
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) Based on what you’ve written in another thread, I’d be cautious drawing toxic and abusive individuals in relationships. It seems nothing has changed with the man you’re seeing (your affair) as he’s manipulating you or guilt tripping you into being with him. Making you feel bad or like you need to be with him because he can’t regulate his emotions or practice some self-control isn’t a great foundation for a future with someone even if you ended things with your boyfriend. To add to this, I’d think it a very lonely place to be regardless of your distance because your relationship with your boyfriend lacks depth. Cut him loose so he can find another woman who can appreciate him more and vice versa for yourself. It’s just not fulfilling as a whole. Quote My partner seems like the perfect partner, loyal, nice, thoughtful, hardworking but I notice I get this gut feeling that he may not be the one. I’m torn thinking this because he is a true gift in my life. I have had abusive toxic relationships in the past. We lack depth in our conversations and come from two different backgrounds. Ironically mines being an unstable house hold while his has been fine and dandy. Edited May 15, 2022 by glows
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 5 hours ago, Shanka Blues said: .I have not seen my boyfriend regularly, maybe 5 times over the last two years. Neither of these men seem interested. Are you sure you're still BF/GF with the man you've seen 5 x in 2 years? The other man has alcohol problems and is also unavailable. Perhaps end it with both of them so you can find a man who wants to date you regularly as well as make new friends.
Alpacalia Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) Is your relationship with your boyfriend motivated by you no longer loving him? Or is it because he is the one who loves you? Think about why you cheated and be honest with yourself. Were you bored? Are you looking for something that doesn't exist? Was it just the opportunity that presented itself? Or are you looking for more from your partner? Self-esteem issues are common reasons women cheat, and therapy can help. A woman can feel powerful and intoxicated during sex, and the attention she receives can be both gratifying and intoxicating. When did you begin dating your now-boyfriend after your previous abusive toxic relationships? People can care deeply for you but not feel passionate about them. Maybe you used to feel this way about your boyfriend, but not anymore. This 'old' love. You can have this kind of love for just about anyone, possibly even your boyfriend. But, he is not meeting your needs any longer. This relationship makes you unhappy. The kind of love that you’re experiencing right now with the new guy: ‘passionate’ love. Or, 'new' love. Passionate love is more akin to lust. Like the new guy, you probably experienced similar feelings with your boyfriend at some point. In the end, you decide what to do. You made your decision the moment you cheated on your boyfriend. You can't go back. But you can set things right. In the case of the other man, the relationship has already gotten things off to a rocky start. Take a break from dating and figure out what you want. Learn to leave someone when you no longer love them or if the relationship is no longer fulfilling. Otherwise, you might rationalize your way back to cheating again, only this time with someone else needs. Besides, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be around much lately so doesn't quite sound like he's much invested himself either. Edited May 15, 2022 by Alpacalia
spiritedaway2003 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) Unless you agreed to a LD relationship and you are not in one by default because you live in the same city, you are not in a relationship with your boyfriend. Obviously that relationship as it stands isn’t meeting your needs. Consider breaking it off because it’s not meeting your needs and you can work on your guilt and understand the why. Only seeing each other 5x in 2 years isn’t much of a “romantic” relationship even if you talk regularly. There are so many ways to minimize risks these days, including masking up, testing, vaccine, rapid tests. You are also not the savior of the new guy, even if you want to help him. If he has a drinking problem he needs to own it. It’s a red flag and he might not be the right guy for you if you already say he’s not ideal for you. You don’t have to choose one or the other. You could recognize that maybe neither is good for you. Edited May 15, 2022 by spiritedaway2003 2
ShyViolet Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 I don't blame you for moving on and being with someone else. Your "relationship" with your boyfriend is not a relationship. Only seeing each other 5 times in the past two years? I'm sorry but that is not a relationship. You need to officially end it. 2 1 1
Alpacalia Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 34 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I don't blame you for moving on and being with someone else. Except she didn't move on. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Except she didn't move on. Ok that is not my point. Read the rest of my comment.... that is my point. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 8 hours ago, Shanka Blues said: He would cry and come to my house saying he was gonna drink himself away. Neither of these men are viable. One never wants to see you and the other is a depressed alcoholic. End it with both of them. Unavailable people seek out other unavailable people. Reflect why a suicidal alcoholic who you're not even attracted to and a man you have hardly seen in 2 years would take up your time, rather than seeking men who care about you and want a healthy relationship with you.
Author Shanka Blues Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 10 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Is your relationship with your boyfriend motivated by you no longer loving him? Or is it because he is the one who loves you? Think about why you cheated and be honest with yourself. Were you bored? Are you looking for something that doesn't exist? Was it just the opportunity that presented itself? Or are you looking for more from your partner? Self-esteem issues are common reasons women cheat, and therapy can help. A woman can feel powerful and intoxicated during sex, and the attention she receives can be both gratifying and intoxicating. When did you begin dating your now-boyfriend after your previous abusive toxic relationships? People can care deeply for you but not feel passionate about them. Maybe you used to feel this way about your boyfriend, but not anymore. This 'old' love. You can have this kind of love for just about anyone, possibly even your boyfriend. But, he is not meeting your needs any longer. This relationship makes you unhappy. The kind of love that you’re experiencing right now with the new guy: ‘passionate’ love. Or, 'new' love. Passionate love is more akin to lust. Like the new guy, you probably experienced similar feelings with your boyfriend at some point. In the end, you decide what to do. You made your decision the moment you cheated on your boyfriend. You can't go back. But you can set things right. In the case of the other man, the relationship has already gotten things off to a rocky start. Take a break from dating and figure out what you want. Learn to leave someone when you no longer love them or if the relationship is no longer fulfilling. Otherwise, you might rationalize your way back to cheating again, only this time with someone else needs. Besides, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be around much lately so doesn't quite sound like he's much invested himself either. I believe I cheated because I felt lonely for a long time, being in lockdown I was very bored living alone. & happen to meet the other person with no kind of expectations. I used to be very attracted to my boyfriend it weened off after these circumstances. Don’t get me wrong , I still love him just don’t feel deserving after all this and potentially not being fulfilled in the relationship in the future. I am confused.
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