Gut feeling - Is he the one?

[Ktlate]

I need some advice. 

I've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, living together and have been building and saving towards a future. 
However, just lately I've been pondering over whether he is really the one for me. The problem is, I can't even pinpoint why. When I think of marriage with him I suddenly get apprehensive (I most certainly want to get married, and have strongly felt this with previous partners), but for some reason it really weighs on me and have been thinking these thoughts more and more.

I love him very much, and we have a very content situation, which is what makes this all so hard. Because if I was to sit down and have the conversation with him, I don't even know what I would say to back it up. It's just sort of a "feeling". 
A couple of other things; 
I've been a bit of a serial dater and haven't had sustained time alone, and I'm wondering if this is playing a part. 
Secondly, I'm worried that I'm generally dysfunctional when it comes to relationships (I've never got past the 3 year mark - I'm 28 if this gives context). And so I'm battling between whether knowing, this is just the way I am in relationships and I would be this way no matter who I'm with. Or if it generally down the relationship I am in. 

I just feel slightly disconnected, and to reiterate, I've never had this sort of feeling in previous relationships so I'm really confused.

Feeling lost and guilty. 

[glows]

How old are the both of you and do you intend to have children? There's no rush to marry anyone if children are removed from the picture, assuming you'd want marriage and a legal union before starting a family.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Commitment has nothing to do with your partner or the love relationship.

Being able to commit to someone is a skill you have to teach yourself.  It is about being grateful every day for what you have and taking responsibility for your own happiness.

At 28 I definitely did not have this skill and was always thinking there was something better.  You are no different than most 28 yr old in thinking this way.

If he is a good mate who is kind and treats you good, then what more is there to want?

I guess it all depends on whether you want kids and a family or whether you want the single life?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ktlate said:

Feeling lost and guilty. 

It sounds like there are conflicts under the surface.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Shanka Blues]

I know it can seem tough to be in this situation. I am also your age and struggle with this question. My partner seems like the perfect partner, loyal, nice, thoughtful, hardworking but I notice I get this gut feeling that he may not be the one. I’m torn thinking this because he is a true gift in my life. I have had abusive toxic relationships in the past.  We lack depth in our conversations and come from two different backgrounds. Ironically mines being an unstable house hold while his has been fine and dandy. I struggle to see if this is just subconscious from childhood or if it’s my gut.. I’d say follow your heart, have a long conversation and really know if you are okay with adapting or making a decision. 

[Maldives]

10 hours ago, Ktlate said:

I need some advice. 

I've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, living together and have been building and saving towards a future. 
However, just lately I've been pondering over whether he is really the one for me. The problem is, I can't even pinpoint why. When I think of marriage with him I suddenly get apprehensive (I most certainly want to get married, and have strongly felt this with previous partners), but for some reason it really weighs on me and have been thinking these thoughts more and more.

I love him very much, and we have a very content situation, which is what makes this all so hard. Because if I was to sit down and have the conversation with him, I don't even know what I would say to back it up. It's just sort of a "feeling". 
A couple of other things; 
I've been a bit of a serial dater and haven't had sustained time alone, and I'm wondering if this is playing a part. 
Secondly, I'm worried that I'm generally dysfunctional when it comes to relationships (I've never got past the 3 year mark - I'm 28 if this gives context). And so I'm battling between whether knowing, this is just the way I am in relationships and I would be this way no matter who I'm with. Or if it generally down the relationship I am in. 

I just feel slightly disconnected, and to reiterate, I've never had this sort of feeling in previous relationships so I'm really confused.

Feeling lost and guilty. 

Yeah seems like one thing is missing in your relationship. Love lol it's not going to work

[chillii]

1 hour ago, Shanka Blues said:

We lack depth in our conversations and come from two different backgrounds.

You summed it up right there and it's most likely as simple as something like this with the op to.

Believe me , when all the feelings are in the right place there's none of this rubbish. We can all find someone that we can exist with quite happily and peacefully that doesn't necessarily translate into the one though. There's more to the one. Actually up until a bit later than your ages l'd had beautiful gf's and l don't mean looks either- although they were that to , l mean the person and our thing , who could possibly complain, l use to think l must be crazy bc l just never wanted to marry any of them. Met my w later on, first day, boom , knew that day l'd marry her.

[chillii]

PS , not to say a lot of people don't marry that person they do and many of them very happy, there's a 100 combos of how these things can just work . But the thing is when your asking yourself why why , that isn't usually one of them so if you go against it sure as, down the track you'll usually only find out the hard way why why.

[Calmandfocused]

I think your gut is telling you that something is not quite right in your relationship. 
 

I think wiseman has a good point. If this is the same man your sub conscious is not going to let you forget your concerns.

You say you love him but I’m wondering if you’re not “in love” with him? This could also be a reason. 
 

Either way don’t marry him if you’re not 100% sure. Divorce is not a lot of fun. 

[ShyViolet]

Trust your gut... if you don't feel deep down that you want to marry this man, then DON'T.  Maybe there is something off in the relationship, or maybe you just aren't that into him.

Or maybe, just maybe.... you aren't the type of person who is built to stay in a relationship for the rest of your life.  Long-term monogamy isn't for everyone.  Some people need to have only shorter relationships, and get very bored or feel trapped when the relationship passes a certain "expiration date".  Our society makes people think that you are "supposed to" settle down and get married, and so people who aren't built for that are sent the message that there's something wrong with them.  Reject that.  There is no one "correct" way to live your life.  This isn't the 1950s.  Stop trying to force yourself to fit into a certain mold that society dictates.  Respect yourself enough to honor your own desires and needs.

When you said you've been a serial dater and have never gotten past the 3-year mark, that resonated with me, because that sounds exactly like me.  I'm 40 now.  I've had a lot of boyfriends in my time and I've also never gotten past the 3 or 4 year mark.  I tend to get really bored and feel trapped in relationships a couple of years in, and just no longer feel attracted to the person.  I'm realizing that super long-term relationships are just not for me, and marriage is DEFINITELY not for me.  And guess what?  That's OK.  It's not a problem that needs to be fixed.  I don't need to try and convince myself or force myself to stay with one man for the rest of my life, all the while being unhappy inside.  

The most important thing is that you know yourself and accept yourself, and stop trying to force things that aren't working.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I say trust that gut sense that something isn't quite right.

Most likely your intellect (cognitive brain) hasn't developed the words or concepts to explain and capture what your gut is feeling. This can occur because our intellectual concepts can be limiting. Took me a while, for example to realize that I just assumed if a woman was kind and reasonably smart and reasonable good looking, that I SHOULD be interested. Also I had guilt that blocked me often from admitting that a relationship wasn't working for me. I had the faulty assumption that breaking up with someone just because I had an odd feeling was cruel. No so, at all in love .

In fact, a lot of life happens at the body level, at the preverbal level. Someone talks to us and we feel good. That's not just because their sentences are grammatically correct or their conclusions are aligned with ours. It goes deeper.

Trust that gut. 

Here's a challenge. Imagine you didn't care what anyone else thought. Imagine your partner would accept whatever the truth is. Imagine nothing you think and feel is bad. What are you REALLY feeling? What would say to yourself about your relationship if you didn't care what anyone else thought?

You want the intellect and gut to be aligned when you think of getting married to someone. 

 

Edited May 15, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[Ktlate]

On 5/15/2022 at 12:28 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like there are conflicts under the surface.

Is this the same man?:

@Wiseman2 Yes this is the same man and it's making me wonder whether this had a lasting effect, despite us building on it and moving past it. 

 

[Ktlate]

On 5/15/2022 at 7:47 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

I say trust that gut sense that something isn't quite right.

Most likely your intellect (cognitive brain) hasn't developed the words or concepts to explain and capture what your gut is feeling. This can occur because our intellectual concepts can be limiting. Took me a while, for example to realize that I just assumed if a woman was kind and reasonably smart and reasonable good looking, that I SHOULD be interested. Also I had guilt that blocked me often from admitting that a relationship wasn't working for me. I had the faulty assumption that breaking up with someone just because I had an odd feeling was cruel. No so, at all in love .

In fact, a lot of life happens at the body level, at the preverbal level. Someone talks to us and we feel good. That's not just because their sentences are grammatically correct or their conclusions are aligned with ours. It goes deeper.

Trust that gut. 

Here's a challenge. Imagine you didn't care what anyone else thought. Imagine your partner would accept whatever the truth is. Imagine nothing you think and feel is bad. What are you REALLY feeling? What would say to yourself about your relationship if you didn't care what anyone else thought?

You want the intellect and gut to be aligned when you think of getting married to someone. 

 

@Lotsgoingon Thank you, this is really good advice. When I do this (imagine that what I'm feeling is not bad etc.) it makes me feel that maybe I should explore the option of figuring out by myself for a while. But then it also leads me to think - what if I'm just not appreciating what I have. 

I'm still torn between knowing whether I am just not being grateful of the person and relationship I'm in, or if there is something genuinely deeper down. It's like another poster said - sometimes we're always wanting "more". So that's where my guilt comes in. 
I hear of people just "knowing" when they've met the right person, which is what's steering me off course. 
Our relationship had a bit of a shaky start (one I've posted about before) we worked past this and I'm wondering deep down whether deep down that's also had a lasting effect, although I don't immediately believe that as I feel I'm over it. 

[Ktlate]

On 5/15/2022 at 5:16 PM, ShyViolet said:

Trust your gut... if you don't feel deep down that you want to marry this man, then DON'T.  Maybe there is something off in the relationship, or maybe you just aren't that into him.

Or maybe, just maybe.... you aren't the type of person who is built to stay in a relationship for the rest of your life.  Long-term monogamy isn't for everyone.  Some people need to have only shorter relationships, and get very bored or feel trapped when the relationship passes a certain "expiration date".  Our society makes people think that you are "supposed to" settle down and get married, and so people who aren't built for that are sent the message that there's something wrong with them.  Reject that.  There is no one "correct" way to live your life.  This isn't the 1950s.  Stop trying to force yourself to fit into a certain mold that society dictates.  Respect yourself enough to honor your own desires and needs.

When you said you've been a serial dater and have never gotten past the 3-year mark, that resonated with me, because that sounds exactly like me.  I'm 40 now.  I've had a lot of boyfriends in my time and I've also never gotten past the 3 or 4 year mark.  I tend to get really bored and feel trapped in relationships a couple of years in, and just no longer feel attracted to the person.  I'm realizing that super long-term relationships are just not for me, and marriage is DEFINITELY not for me.  And guess what?  That's OK.  It's not a problem that needs to be fixed.  I don't need to try and convince myself or force myself to stay with one man for the rest of my life, all the while being unhappy inside.  

The most important thing is that you know yourself and accept yourself, and stop trying to force things that aren't working.  

Thank you for this @ShyViolet it definitely reassures me. 
The thing is, I have always wanted to get married, I've been been in a relationship with someone I was genuinely all for getting married to. It just didn't work out in the end which was heartbreaking. So I do think I'm that way inclined (although like you, I've never got past the 3 year mark - so I suppose I'll never know if it really is for me and maybe I'm kidding myself). 
Perhaps I have some self-reflecting to do. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ktlate said:

Yes this is the same man and it's making me wonder whether this had a lasting effect, despite us building on it and moving past it. 

Unfortunately it seems like moving in was a mistake and it's just hidden under the rug but not really resolved.

When there are trust issues and character flaws, there's going to be tension and doubt.

[Lotsgoingon]

On 5/16/2022 at 11:50 PM, Ktlate said:

 it also leads me to think - what if I'm just not appreciating what I have. 

I'm still torn between knowing whether I am just not being grateful of the person and relationship I'm in ...

Both of these reflect faulty, even DISASTROUS thinking about intimate relationships.

Point 1:

There is no such thing as "not appreciating" what you have. That means you don't like the person all that much. That's like saying "I don't like this food. But maybe I'm not appreciating the food." Appreciating the relationship IS the relationship. You cannot will that. If you don't appreciate it--wildly! ... overwhelming! ... then there is a problem. 

We don't walk around with friends and say, "I'm not that into this friend. But maybe I don't appreciate them."  A romance is not like a job in a bad economy. Yes, in a job we might hang in there because there is nothing else better we can get. 

Disastrous thinking point 2:

You don't want to be grateful. You marry for utterly, brutally selfish reasons. What are you being "grateful" for? Are you a social worker case? People marry smartly when one person OVERWHELMINGLY and selfishly loves and likes the other and the other reciprocates at the same level.

It's the selfish attraction, the selfish pleasure that is the foundation for being kind and generous with the other person. That's the foundation that gets you through the tough times. Get to therapy and discuss boundaries. Your thinking is WAY off. No shame. My thinking was similarly way off, and yes, disaster followed. Multiple times until I corrected.

FYI: it's actually a form of lying to marry someone you're not wildly crazy about. Your partner will assume you really unambivalently like them if you marry them. 

Finally--and painfully-- you won't be able to fake your lack of interest. Unless your partner is really slow and disconnected from human interaction, your hesitation and head games will be obvious.. And that lack of real interest will be visible and obvious to anybody who is around you when you're with your partner. And it will be obvious to your partner at some point. And marriage makes things worse--long story why. But every problem you have going into marriage is magnified ten times. 

Take a few minutes and google phrases like this "not attracted to my partner/husband/wife" or ... "ambivalent about my husband/wife" ... or "shouldn't have gotten married."

 

 

 

 

[glows]

You say you may have moved past it (your issues together from your 2021 thread) but a relationship can lose steam along the way, damaged by too many inconsistencies and betrayals. You're working so hard to keep it together that when you finally think you've both got it together, you may realize you don't want it anymore. You may even be questioning yourself and why you even put that much effort into it the first place or why you had to go through what you went through. 

Resentment may run deep. I'd urge you to question your choice of marriage with this person if you are feeling this way. Don't make the mistake of marrying someone you're not compatible with.