He was horrifically nasty towards me at the end.

[peach302]

i've posted on here before. But I'll  rehash.

Met on an app not long before the pandemic began. During that time period he was making lots of effort and he stated he's genuinely looking for something serious/a relationship. But I was busy with work and life etc, so didn't put in as much effort. Basically he seemed more intentional and I wasnt. But then not long after I realised I needed to actually try to get to know the guy more as otherwise whats the point of being on an app and I was interested enough to do so. For some reason it just never worked out after that . We never managed to be on the same page. And obviously the pandemic and  multiple lockdowns hit and caused problems with regards to being able to actually meet the guy properly.

We kept disconnecting then reconnecting...and usually it would be me initiating. So only at the very beginning he initiated contact. He kept coming out with the same lines i.e he doesnt want to be a pen pal or texting friend because he doesn't have  the time  and kept asking me what I wanted. 

Our most recent interactions :
Last year around September had a video call for the first time, previous to then we'd only seen photos of one another. It went well imo. Spoke for about two hours via video. He was teasing me and flirting. Seemed interested in my life and vice versa. Then asked me when am i going to take him out for a coffee ( i.e asking me out), I responded saying a weekend would be good. There wasnt an actual date set like this saturday/sunday coming up. I just assumed any weekend would be fine. He said ok I'll come to you, make sure it's not too far down. ( he lives about n hour and a half drive away). Then he said he'll probably come in the evening once he's  completed tasks in the day, and asked me how long I can stay out, so from the sounds of it he didn't mind spending a couple of hours or more in my company. After that two hour chat, it just went downhill. Two weekends went by he didn't  say anything, neither did I. I was not feeling well the following week so i thought best just wait and other things came up. But I was looking up good places for us to go meanwhile an have coffee. So two and a half weeks after I called to arrange  a proper time to meet and he completely ignored my calls and messages. I messaged on WhatsApp saying we should meet, he ignored. I called about four times, the last two calls it seemed like he purposely rejected them. I just thought at that point we'd been speaking for ages, and after not meeting for so long due to all the lockdowns, why not just actually get it done finally. I then texted apologising for the fact  we didnt meet straight after our videochat. I just assumed maybe he was annoyed or something. But i explained i wasnt well and a couple other reasons and just said it would be nice to meet finally. Again i just got blanked. Obviously after  that  I gave up. I tried my best. 

Following  that, I called after Christmas in Jan.  A few months went by and I thought let me see if he gives me some kind of explanation for why he acted that way. See if he picks the phone at least and what hes been doing.  I was honestly just curious as he's the one whos brought up meetings himself multiples times, even before the videochat, and when the opportunity presented itself, why did he flake.
It wss pointless in the end as he didnt mention one thing about it, acted totally normal. I was dumb enough to not directly ask him either .  We spoke normally for two hours, both acted as if everything was good, he asked me what id been upto and that  was that. He ended the convo said he had to go and do something for his sister so i assumed he would ring back as he said to give him two minutes. About half n hour later i whatsapped and said you must be busy tc. He didnt call back nor did he open the message i.e left it unread!!!!  Two months went by and still it was unread. Strange.

So two months later I call the guy again,  don't ask why  I bothered. But i wanted to know why he didn't open my whatsapp message. Found it weird. Also thought may bring up us meeting myself as the weather was getting better. But this time would be me rather than him. Of course I didnt get to bring up any of that. Typical. First half an hour he seemed normal with me, told me he ended up with the covid virus so was cooped up at home. Then went onto telling me what was going on in his life  Work wise etc. Couple times he asked how comes you called, more than once I'd say. I then said to see how you are a check in, he was like thanks I appreciate it. I thought id be curious and ask if hes still on the app, he said no don't have time too busy, I said well most people i know delete the app if they don't use it or don't have time ( i only asked because i asked another time and he said the exact same thing ). I've forgotten the exact order in what happened next but either he asked me first when am i going to "settle down" or I asked him.      But i think it may have been he asked me first  when am i going to "settle down"..all i said was when i find someone suitable. He said that makes sense. Then I must have asked him and he said  "i have something sorted" or "something in the pipeline". I was a little taken aback. I didn't show it though. I said tell me about it, he said no i havent told my friends yet and i dont want to ruin it. I said pretend im your friend and he kept repeatedly saying no. 

I have no idea what came over him after that but intermittently for the rest of the conversation which was another hour he was contemptuous, rude, demeaning, condescending and seemed like he was really angry. Well the anger was like on and off, who knows what was happening. I've never seen him be like that before continuously ( and we've spoken on the phone at least 15 times for hours), I said to him it seems like you hate me or something and he kept saying oh no I dont hate you. but his choice of words, tone and attitude certainly suggested otherwise. 

First we were talking about how he couldnt hear me that well, and there's  a delay, he said I dont know if youre slow or if its your phone/headset. He told me to go on a website so he could show me what headset he uses, he snapped and said why is it taking you so long hurry up. Then he used the phonetic alphabet instead of spelling out the word, i said just spell it out its easier and he said no even my younger 10 yr old brother could do this. After several attempts  finally i got what he was trying to say, he kept insinuating i was stupid basically. It came across like he was attempting to belittle me there.I asked him to buy me the headset ( since he kept complaining about my equipment) he said guess what im not your father. He asked me if I can drive and told me not to ever attempt to as ill probably cause accidents . He said if he was training me at his job he would hand me over to someone else as he wouldn't be able to deal with me. 
Then he asked about my work and wht else ive been upto. He started talking about him giving money to his local charity, one which is in his local area. I asked where it is again, he said hes not going to tell me that. Then he was like i never ask you where youre from, because I don't  care.  He said he doesn't  care a few times after randomly. 

It continued. He said he's only speaking to me now because hes trying to help me. . In other words he was implying there's no other reason he would speak to me other than because he wants to help as if im some charity case. Hes like why do you think i never called you all this time, its because i had better options than you, I've rejected people better than you before. I honestly had no idea why he was saying all this stuff but it wasn't a great experience. I said well you seemed ok before, and he said well i changed my mind. He mentioned the time  we were meant to meet and said he changed his mind and its like how you cancel on your friends sometimes. Then he started talking about how as I age and the more  i age im going to be worthless and he would never consider me if I came to him i.e to his doorstep in a few years he would close the door on me. How now he wants someone five years younger than him ( im nearer his age).. and he wants to create a legacy and have about 6 children. He wants someone who can help him to expand and be better and elevate him. 
Then he asked me why would I want you what can you offer me.  I think no matter what i said he would shut it down anyway. I was speechless at his behaviour  So i couldn't really fight my corner that well. He just kept repeating he had better and there's better women. He said speaking to me is like a chore and im slow, and the convo doesn't flow. Others have more of a sense of humour and great personalities. So everything which never bothered him before was suddenly bothering him now. I mean if speaking to me was such a chore why could he speak to me for several hours before on the phone. He also swore at me telling e to shut up when i tried to defend myself. And said he doesn't like to swear but i keep talking over him. Even though hes alright to talk over me all the time. Then hes like i give him such a headache he could never be with me as speaking to me for one minute gives him a headache. 
I forgot to mention he talked about how hypersexualised everything is now because of p**n. I think he was implying he doesn't see me as attractive enough to be with. I'm only assuming. Again he had no issues before, he saw my photos, saw me on video chat etc.
Anyways i was seriously speechless by the end at the treatment id received. He said in between  insulting and demeaning me that he does care about me and that's why hes trying to help me. I was seriously puzzled. Then the convo ended with him asking me for a favour to do with his work, i said ill get back to you. He was like tell me a yes or a no in an aggressive tone. So after everything he said he still had the balls to ask me for a favour before telling me he will block after the favour. 
 
That's it. I was just confused at why he was so horrible and nasty. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to tolerate verbal abuse.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited May 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote containing language

[glows]

Did you ever meet in person? I know you like him but the lengths to which you are going to to pursue this man is becoming very inappropriate. He's let you know he's not interested several times (romantically) and he is possibly seeing someone else. You keep calling him and thinking there's a chance to be with him so there's some disconnect there. 

I suggest you stop calling or pursuing him. He doesn't want that and his tone and demeanour towards you is one of contempt. Not understanding this and continuing to do what you're doing is ignoring what someone else wants/doesn't want. Don't live in denial.

[ShyViolet]

Do you have really, really low self-respect?  I can't imagine why on earth you'd stay engaged in a conversation with someone who's being blatantly verbally abusive.  The normal thing to do would have been to remove yourself from the situation, to end the call.  And going back to what led up to that, WHY on earth did you keep chasing this guy, texting him multiple times when he hadn't answered you, calling him multiple times when he made it clear he wasn't interested?  

This is not healthy behavior on your part and you need to get into therapy to work on your issues.  Don't ever put yourself in a position of desperation like that, chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

During that time period he was making lots of effort and he stated he's genuinely looking for something serious/a relationship. But I was busy with work and life etc, so didn't put in as much effort. Basically he seemed more intentional and I wasnt. But then not long after I realised I needed to actually try to get to know the guy more as otherwise whats the point of being on an app and I was interested enough to do so.

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

He kept coming out with the same lines i.e he doesnt want to be a pen pal or texting friend because he doesn't have  the time  and kept asking me what I wanted. 

I guess it sounds as if you kept putting off meeting him and then he quickly grew fed up with it all. It is more concerning, however, to hear him speak to you like that. It does sound as if he has a lot of disdain for you.

Perhaps he liked you and did not know how to deal with the feelings. Then again, it may have nothing whatsoever to do with you, and he simply happens to be a bully. Still, the intent is not relevant to the outcome in this situation.

Rather than trying to reason or argue with him, stop engaging with him.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Do you have really, really low self-respect?  I can't imagine why on earth you'd stay engaged in a conversation with someone who's being blatantly verbally abusive.

This was my first thought as well. 

Where is your self-worth, OP? You should never have continued to contact him, but then you should have hung up and blocked him the moment he started being an abusive whacko. 

[pianofordummies]

From here, regardless of what his reasons were for being that way with you, you don't deserve to be spoken to in that way. Don't reach out to him again. Block him on every platform, and move on. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by pianofordummies

[peach302]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Did you ever meet in person? I know you like him but the lengths to which you are going to to pursue this man is becoming very inappropriate. He's let you know he's not interested several times (romantically) and he is possibly seeing someone else. You keep calling him and thinking there's a chance to be with him so there's some disconnect there. 

I suggest you stop calling or pursuing him. He doesn't want that and his tone and demeanour towards you is one of contempt. Not understanding this and continuing to do what you're doing is ignoring what someone else wants/doesn't want. Don't live in denial.

Where did i say i kept calling him? If you read it properly you'll see he was the one who wanted to meet me and suggested so and came up with a whole plan about going to a coffee shop and coming to see me. Previously which I didnt mention...he in passing said we should meet. Hes mentioned us meeting in total about 5 times at least since ive known him. And in between we lost contact here and there and the pandemic came about..Then there were continued lockdowns.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Where did i say i kept calling him? If you read it properly you'll see he was the one who wanted to meet me and suggested so and came up with a whole plan about going to a coffee shop and coming to see me. Previously which I didnt mention...he in passing said we should meet. Hes mentioned us meeting in total about 5 times at least since ive known him. And in between we lost contact here and there and the pandemic came about..Then there were continued lockdowns.

That was eons ago in Sept last year. Time passed and he moved on. You should too. You're not understanding that he doesn't want to speak to you. You yourself said that he treats you or you get the feeling like he treats you like you're a charity case. He demeans you, puts you down and verbally abuses you. Overall, he's nasty to you by your own standards. You're only digging yourself a bigger hole by continuing to contact him.

Edited May 14, 2022 by glows

[peach302]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I guess it sounds as if you kept putting off meeting him and then he quickly grew fed up with it all. It is more concerning, however, to hear him speak to you like that. It does sound as if he has a lot of disdain for you.

Perhaps he liked you and did not know how to deal with the feelings. Then again, it may have nothing whatsoever to do with you, and he simply happens to be a bully. Still, the intent is not relevant to the outcome in this situation.

Rather than trying to reason or argue with him, stop engaging with him.

Yeah during the last call when I said to him it sounds like he hates me. He said oh no I dont hate you, and you're ok to talk to. Then 5 minutes later he was abusive. It was on and off. I don't know if he lacks self awareness but it weird how he went from i care about you to telling me to shut the f up and implying how worthless I am. In the same convo!!!! 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Where did i say i kept calling him?

Right here: 

4 hours ago, peach302 said:

So two and a half weeks after I called to arrange  a proper time to meet and he completely ignored my calls and messages

And here:

4 hours ago, peach302 said:

I called about four times

And here: 

4 hours ago, peach302 said:

Following  that, I called after Christmas in Jan.

And here:

4 hours ago, peach302 said:

So two months later I call the guy again

You called him many times. Way too much. You need to learn to recognize when a guy is not interested, peach. 

[peach302]

1 minute ago, glows said:

That was eons ago in Sept last year. Time passed and he moved on. You should too. You're not understanding that he doesn't want to speak to you. You yourself said that he treats you or you get the feeling like he treats you like you're a charity case. He demeans you, puts you down and verbally abuses you. Overall, he's nasty to you by your own standards. You're only digging yourself a bigger hole by continuing to contact him.

You're not understanding. He was trying to show he's *helping* me, i don't think he thinks  im a charity case. But he wanted me to feel like I am. 

The only time he went psycho was the last call and since then neither of us have spoken. So where again do I not understand that he doesn't want to speak to me? Did i say i want to continue speaking to him though??? I must have missed that 

[glows]

Just now, peach302 said:

You're not understanding. He was trying to show he's *helping* me, i don't think he thinks  im a charity case. But he wanted me to feel like I am. 

The only time he went psycho was the last call and since then neither of us have spoken. So where again do I not understand that he doesn't want to speak to me? Did i say i want to continue speaking to him though??? I must have missed that 

You keep calling him. Go back and reread your own post. That indicates that you are interested in continuing to speak with him. Try working through your issues and leave him alone. I'd also explore why you'd stick around with a man who wants to help you unless you believe you need helping. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, peach302 said:

So where again do I not understand that he doesn't want to speak to me?

By continuing to call him after he ignored you. 

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

By continuing to call him after he ignored you. 

She was referring to me wanting to speak to someone after the verbal abuse. I haven't spoken to him since. 

[peach302]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

You keep calling him. Go back and reread your own post. That indicates that you are interested in continuing to speak with him. Try working through your issues and leave him alone. I'd also explore why you'd stick around with a man who wants to help you unless you believe you need helping. 

Omg. I havent spoken to the guy in weeks now. Since the helping part. 

I think he was being sarcastic. 

He kept speaking to me for hours on end..before then he asked to meet me several times. Not just September. Multiple times before. That alone shows mixed signals on his part. 

 

[peach302]

My point is for someone who claims he had better options. He was showing way too many emotions and having a fit. Just saying. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, peach302 said:

My point is for someone who claims he had better options. He was showing way too many emotions and having a fit. Just saying. 

He treated you very badly. It doesn't matter what he is or who he is or the kinds of options he has. Make sure he's blocked and removed, don't keep in contact with him on social media or keep tabs on him. Forget this guy. 

[peach302]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

He treated you very badly. It doesn't matter what he is or who he is or the kinds of options he has. Make sure he's blocked and removed, don't keep in contact with him on social media or keep tabs on him. Forget this guy. 

I won't. 

Probably a good thing we never ended up meeting

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Probably a good thing we never ended up meeting

Be careful with online situations. Only get involved with men who are willing to meet in a timely fashion and never tolerate abusive behavior.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I agree with the others you were contacting him way too much and at the end he just got tired of it.

‘Him getting nasty was the only way to make you stop contacting him and rehashing the oh but I do want to meet talk, no?

‘We kept disconnecting then reconnecting...and usually it would be me initiating.”

You were being a waste of time.  If you are serious about dating then make the effort at the start not a year later!

[SingFish]

6 hours ago, peach302 said:

Hes like why do you think i never called you all this time, its because i had better options than you, I've rejected people better than you before.

Goodness, what a horrible person. Why would you continue to engage with someone like that? 

[Sabrina1990]

Hi @peach302I'm new but have been following along and have some thoughts. 

While you did call him probably more than you should have, he would not have continued to take the calls and talk to you for hours on end either. 

Even the last call when he was nasty and belittling (emotional) people do not behave that way when they don't care and have no feelings.   They are indifferent towards you and don't spend over an hour continuing to talk to you. 

If he didn’t care at all, he would not have taken the call or if he did, made up some bs excuse to not talk to you,  hung up and blocked you. 

I cannot say what was going on with him except he sounds scared, of closeness, intimacy, relationships.

A coward basically.  Lashing out, running away like a person would when confronted by a dangerous animal- it's fight or flight. 

He chose both.  First fight then flight, it's not uncommon for people who struggle with such fears.

Hard next.

 

 

 

Edited May 14, 2022 by Sabrina1990

[peach302]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to tolerate verbal abuse.

Is this the same man?:

 

No it isn't. He was never my boyfriend 

[peach302]

27 minutes ago, Sabrina1990 said:

Hi @peach302I'm new but have been following along and have some thoughts. 

While you did call him probably more than you should have, he would not have continued to take the calls and talk to you for hours on end either. 

Even the last call when he was nasty and belittling (emotional) people do not behave that way when they don't care and have no feelings.   They are indifferent towards you and don't spend over an hour continuing to talk to you. 

If he didn’t care at all and wanted you to go away, he would not have taken the call or if he did, made up some bs excuse to not talk to you,  hung up and blocked you. 

I cannot say what was going on with him except he sounds scared, of closeness, intimacy, relationships.

A coward basically.  Lashing out, running away like a person would when confronted by a dangerous animal- it's fight or flight. 

He chose both.  First fight then flight, it's not uncommon for people who struggle with such fears.

Hard next.

 

 

 

Thank you for your input.

He would show great interest time and time again but then withdraw at the last minute. Like  that time he asked  to meet during our two and a half hour videochat. He said am I going to invite him round for "movie night", and he was excessively flirting, talking about slamming me against the wall and on the floor...i didn't get it at the time, i was a little slow. Then realised it may have been a sexual thing, but yeah my point is that is the level of interest he would demonstrate everytime. 

Back in the day he used to say I treat him like an option. But when i did finally try, he would ghost anyway so i was like o.....k, make up your mind kinda thing. 

A week before I called him last, I put up a photo of me and my friend on my status on wtsapp. He saw it in the middle of the night like 5:30am. If he had someone already or "something in the pipeline" why be staring at my pictures. Could have been a mistake of course. 

It's a difficult one. He did say if he was a woman ( he thinks its worse for a woman than a man i guess) and still not married he would be panicking. Would someone with intimacy issues come out with panicking for not being in a relationship. I dunno.

Everything he does and says is contradictory. 

A long time ago he said "clingy women scare me". But then he's been in a few relationships before, one which apparently lasted a year. But he told me he didnt want to talk about that.

When he talked about the girl he supposedly has now, it sounded like he was bragging. Because randomly he was saying "i might move too". When we wernt even talking about anything related to that. I dunno it just sounded like he was adding more things in to maybe get to me somehow. Just the feeling i got. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by peach302