lovesfool Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 My dating struggles continue! So I've spoken to a guy on and off on dating apps for a long time now. I've lost track, but it could be over two years now. What usually happens is that we chat for a bit and then he deletes the app without warning. Rinse and repeat. Then last month he appears again, but this time he seems to be sticking around. On a Sunday I asked him what he was up to and he said he had a free day so I suggested a coffee in the afternoon. He tells me it's a bit late for a coffee for him (???) but could do mid-week. A bit strange as we could have just went for a walk, but okay. So we finally get to arrange a date. I try to give him my social media or phone number to keep in touch outside the app, but says that he's a private guy and doesn't like to give it out. I can't argue with him really as there are some odd people on these apps. The date was supposed to be mid-week. We decided a time, but not a place. Come the couple of days beforehand, he has been offline and I can't get in contact with him. The day of the date passes and don't meet because I didn't know where! He comes back online and apologises and says that work stuff came up but would like to rearrange. So he suggests the following Sunday for a coffee. Okay I say! What time and where? Disappearing act again. When he reappears the next week I ask him if I'm wasting my time. He tells me that he is an extremely shy and anxious person and hasn't been on many dates. He apologises and says he does really want to meet and we reschedule... again. Come the day of the date, he messages me and says that he's sick (and sends me a photo of his doctors note saying that he needs to be out of work on the date we were due to meet). I can't believe it. Something again! But it was genuine and couldn't really say much. Finally I pin him down to a day and we meet! A miracle! He was a nice guy, chatty and seemed interested. We messaged afterwards and arranged a second date with him enthusiastically saying he wanted to meet again. The morning of the date, after dragging it out of him, he tells me he wants to reschedule because he was worried about getting sick again when he's on antibiotics. I find this hard to believe as we were just meeting for lunch, no alcohol or stress involved. He sent a long message with a bunch of other days he's free to arrange another time. I end up telling him that I don't think he's interested and wished him the best. I don't know if I was being too hasty, but I was getting tired of postponed date after postponed date. He's a friend of a friend of mine, and they said he's kind of like that, but tell me he's a very nice guy. I guess that's why I put up with the cancelled dates for so long. A piece of me thinks he's being genuine and that he's a worrier. Should I have given him yet another chance or was I right to pull the plug? It's the first guy in a long while I've felt a strong attraction to and don't want to throw it away for nothing.
Weezy1973 Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 You were right to pull the plug. Either he’s not that interested, or he was interested and is just a really flakey guy. Neither of those options sound good. Next! 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 26 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I end up telling him that I don't think he's interested and wished him the best. I don't know if I was being too hasty, but I was getting tired of postponed date after postponed date. You did the right thing. Timewasters like this are nothing but frustrating. 2
bene Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: He tells me it's a bit late for a coffee for him (???) but could do mid-week. A bit strange as we could have just went for a walk, but okay. 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: The morning of the date, after dragging it out of him, he tells me he wants to reschedule because he was worried about getting sick again when he's on antibiotics. These reasons sound really odd and made-up to me. Maybe he’s an anxious person and on one hand wants to meet people but then back pedals when plans actually materialize. Maybe he’s playing games. Maybe he’s just not interested. Who knows, either way you shouldn’t put up with this, date people who are available and interested. 1
Author lovesfool Posted May 14, 2022 Author Posted May 14, 2022 I do feel he's being genuine and it's down to anxiety. My friend who knows him says that it's hard to pin him down on dates. I don't know if it's something going on in his life or just his personality. Is there no hope for a guy like that?
glows Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 10 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I do feel he's being genuine and it's down to anxiety. My friend who knows him says that it's hard to pin him down on dates. I don't know if it's something going on in his life or just his personality. Is there no hope for a guy like that? Keep in mind that you're dating to see what a person is, not what you hope for them to be. Take them as they are. If he has anxiety he will have to learn to find ways to keep it under control before attempting to date. There are ways around that but you are not his doctor. Are you worried about what your mutual friends may think if you stop seeing him? Keep your dating life private and don't give any details or vent about the issues in meeting. Whatever issues this guy is dealing with neither of you need the added stress or gossip.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 It’s not about giving him chances it is more about what dating life with him will be like. Everything you do with him will be like pulling a sack of potatoes around. Who needs that? And what about a life with him? It is hard enough carrying our own “relationship” weight. But to feel like you you also have to carry his….sounds like a PITA. Bottom line. He does not sound dependable. 2
ShyViolet Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 My gut tells me that he has some kind of severe anxiety disorder and that's what is behind all this odd behavior. But bottom line, very few people would have the patience to put up with all this. And I absolutely think you did the right thing in walking away. This guy is not ready for a relationship and no one should let themselves be strung along like this. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 It took two freakin' years to have the first date? OP. You don't need to ask him if he's wasting your time. You need to ask yourself why you are wasting your time with this. It's never going to go anywhere. Next.
Alvi Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 (edited) He sounds like a time waster. Simple as that. The why does not matter much. It's possible, I suppose, that he has some sort of an anxiety disorder. But how sure are you that he is actually single? How well your friend of a friend knows him? Perhaps he is is not aware that this guy has a girlfriend hidden somewhere, lol. One time I was dating a guy for about six month, who had a fiancé living in another city. All his friends knew about her but do you think at least one of them would let me know? Heck no. 5 hours ago, lovesfool said: . What usually happens is that we chat for a bit and then he deletes the app without warning. Rinse and repeat. Actually, this kind of behavior is common with the cheaters or the people who are looking to cheat. 5 hours ago, lovesfool said: I try to give him my social media or phone number to keep in touch outside the app, but says that he's a private guy and doesn't like to give it out. Yeah, you've been talking to him on and off for more than two years. So, how much privacy are we talking about here? Unless he has a GF or something else to hide. But whatever the reason, Please, block him and keep blocking him again and again in the future. Wow, cannot believe you are considering this guy to be a relationship material after two years of never meeting. Edited May 14, 2022 by Alvi 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 9 minutes ago, Alvi said: But how sure are you that he is actually single? How well your friend of a friend knows him? Perhaps he is is not aware that this guy has a girlfriend hidden somewhere, lol. That crossed my mind too. This behaviour is very typical of people who aren't single.
Wiseman2 Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 6 hours ago, lovesfool said: My friend who knows him says that it's hard to pin him down on dates. You need to let go of this man, if he is as slippery an an eel. Search for more reliable men.
Weezy1973 Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 9 hours ago, lovesfool said: Is there no hope for a guy like that? He is a guy like that. What are you hoping for? That's him. The better question is why are you attracted to a guy like that? 1
stillafool Posted May 14, 2022 Posted May 14, 2022 I get the feeling he is not interested and was only rescheduling because you guys have common friends and he didn't want to treat you rude. Do not contact him again. If he has any interest at all he will reach out and ask you on a proper date. Otherwise keep searching for a nice guy. 1
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 1 hour ago, stillafool said: I get the feeling he is not interested and was only rescheduling because you guys have common friends and he didn't want to treat you rude. Do not contact him again. Agree.
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 Who cares what his deal is, it comes down to how he behaves towards you. He sucks and not worth any effort from you. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Tell your friend this guy is way too flaky for your liking. 1
Author lovesfool Posted May 16, 2022 Author Posted May 16, 2022 On 5/14/2022 at 3:27 PM, glows said: Keep in mind that you're dating to see what a person is, not what you hope for them to be. Take them as they are. If he has anxiety he will have to learn to find ways to keep it under control before attempting to date. There are ways around that but you are not his doctor. Are you worried about what your mutual friends may think if you stop seeing him? Keep your dating life private and don't give any details or vent about the issues in meeting. Whatever issues this guy is dealing with neither of you need the added stress or gossip. No I don't care about that at all. Mutual friends are not a factor in any of my decision making! On 5/14/2022 at 5:16 PM, ExpatInItaly said: It took two freakin' years to have the first date? OP. You don't need to ask him if he's wasting your time. You need to ask yourself why you are wasting your time with this. It's never going to go anywhere. Next. Bear in mind the last two years was Covid and lockdowns. Also who's to say he didn't end up in a relationship with someone else in the middle of all that. I just meant that he was only occasionally on dating apps. On 5/14/2022 at 5:16 PM, Alvi said: He sounds like a time waster. Simple as that. The why does not matter much. It's possible, I suppose, that he has some sort of an anxiety disorder. But how sure are you that he is actually single? How well your friend of a friend knows him? Perhaps he is is not aware that this guy has a girlfriend hidden somewhere, lol. One time I was dating a guy for about six month, who had a fiancé living in another city. All his friends knew about her but do you think at least one of them would let me know? Heck no. Actually, this kind of behavior is common with the cheaters or the people who are looking to cheat. Yeah, you've been talking to him on and off for more than two years. So, how much privacy are we talking about here? Unless he has a GF or something else to hide. But whatever the reason, Please, block him and keep blocking him again and again in the future. Wow, cannot believe you are considering this guy to be a relationship material after two years of never meeting. I'm pretty confident he is single. My friend said he is and he also has a very public dating profile. I'm from a small place so if he was seeing someone else she would find out very quickly! On 5/15/2022 at 12:23 AM, Weezy1973 said: He is a guy like that. What are you hoping for? That's him. The better question is why are you attracted to a guy like that? Some people are shy until you get to know them, that's what I was hoping for. I don't know why I'm attracted to him. I find it easy to talk to him, he's attractive, we have similar interests. The only sticking point is getting him on a date! On 5/15/2022 at 12:41 AM, stillafool said: I get the feeling he is not interested and was only rescheduling because you guys have common friends and he didn't want to treat you rude. Do not contact him again. If he has any interest at all he will reach out and ask you on a proper date. Otherwise keep searching for a nice guy. I thought that too, but he had plenty of opportunities to walk away. When we did eventually decide to meet, he was the one to reach out to confirm a time and place. Brought me a coffee unexpectedly as well. Was sweet. Since my last post he messaged me saying that he was happy we met and wants to meet again. He said it's not his anxiety but that he's genuinely feeling sick. He then said "... and then feeling worse that I've cancelled and worse again when I think I'm stressing you out". He also said he understands it's frustrating and he apologised. Maybe I'm a sucker but that seemed very genuine to me. He said he wants to meet for dinner and will message when he's feeling better. I'm certainly not holding out for him, but I've no other potential dates on my radar so interested to see if he'll ever message me again. I won't be messaging him, that's for sure.
Wiseman2 Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 2 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I'm certainly not holding out for him, but I've no other potential dates on my radar so interested to see if he'll ever message me again. I won't be messaging him, that's for sure. That's good. Keep talking to and meeting others. Flakey people who waste time are difficult to deal with.
stillafool Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 22 minutes ago, lovesfool said: He said it's not his anxiety but that he's genuinely feeling sick. How old is this guy he sure seems sickly. Did your friends know this before they set you up?
Deidre Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 Even if it has to do with anxiety on his part, you have to ask yourself if this is what you want to deal with just to set up one date? If you don’t, then just move on. If he reaches out to you and does the planning, maybe. But I wouldn’t coordinate any future dates.
glows Posted May 16, 2022 Posted May 16, 2022 29 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I've no other potential dates on my radar so interested to see if he'll ever message me again. It's probably better to let this one go. You've only met him.. once?
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