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When the first time doesn't go well

billiejean

By billiejean
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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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I'm a 25 years old woman dating a 26 years old man.

Our paths crossed on Bumble, a little more than two weeks ago. He told me he's not a fan of dating apps, as he prefers meeting people in real life, but due to the pandemic, he decided to give it a try. He was very sweet, telling me that when he saw my profile, he was hoping we could be a match. We messaged a lot and then he asked me to meet for dinner on May 1st. It went great! As soon as he saw me he complimented with a "Wow you look very good :) ", we ate (he paid when I went to the toilet) and asked me what I am looking for. We're on the same page, we want a relationship. He had a 6-year story with a girl, ended in March 2020 and feels he's ready to fall in love again. He told me he already deleted Bumble (I checked and it's true) and would love to pursue something serious. He asked me a lot of personal questions about my family, job, passions ecc and drove me home. I also asked him the same things and I feel we have a lot in common. He was a gentleman! When he pulled over my home, he said "let me go outside to say goodnight", opened my car door and gave a kiss. So sweet ❤️ 

He texted me again and we met on Saturday. He proposed going to a very cute bar nearby a lake, where we had a few drinks, then we went to an Italian restaurant (we were joking a lot cause the waiter was shamelessly flirting with me ahah), then to another bar, and he drove me home again. I feel there is a big connection even if we are from two different countries/cultures. We joke a lot and I feel complicity. I am totally at ease when I am with him. We message everyday, and I asked if he wanted to meet again and he agreed for Wednesday (yesterday) and he proposed another great location, a restaurant in a lake about 30 mins far from the city we live. I really like that he's thoughtful about dating plans and doesn't propose random bars or "my place or your place". He drove me there and we had dinner, once again paid by him (even if I always offer to pay, he prefers to do it himself and I feel like he's investing in me, I like this). Yesterday then we were driving back to the city when he said "Soo where should we go now?" and after some laughs and glazes... we both understood we wanted to be intimate, so he asked if I wanted to get a wine at his place.

Once there, we had a glass of wine, laughed a lot and then he asked me "So, are you sure you want to do it tonight?" to which I said yes. I like it cause he never pressured me or anything, but I was genuinely in the mood for that, as I think sex is a big part of a relationship.  After some foreplay he goes for a condom but... they were locked in the car, cause he had bought them the day before and forgot to take them home. He then literally run to the car and came back like 3 minutes after, but I have to say it was a bit of a mood killer for both of us unfortunately. I sensed he was a bit nervous, he was sweating for the run and just after some minutes that we were doing it, he couldn't maintain it up and said "Sorry I think tonight is not my night, sorry I dont know what is happening :( ". I think it was a mixture of things: he came back from a work trip the same morning, we had a few drinks and he was nervous as it was our first time... I was a bit disappointed but we are humans and it can happen, so it's not a big deal for me to be honest. Also his bed is very small (just for 1 person) and it certainly didn't help. I could feel he was a bit embarassed but I said no problem, I can totally understand. After some time we tried again and it was better, he didn't finish with sex but with me doing oral and he told me he enjoyed it. Then I stayed for sleeping and he drove me home this morning (20 minutes drive).

I have two questions:

- Could it be that he didn't perform because he was not attracted by me? Like maybe he was expecting that I looked better naked, idk

-I really like this guy and I see potential. I feel maybe he was nervous or idk, but should I text him to reassure him I like him? He's going on holiday for two weeks on Tuesday, and I would really like to see him again before then, even just for a coffee. I was thinking of saying "I really had a fun night yesterday! Thank you also for driving me home. Hope to see you again before you leave for *name of the city*. What do you think?

Thoughts?

Thanks xx

Edited by billiejean
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted
1 hour ago, billiejean said:

 Could it be that he didn't perform because he was not attracted by me? 

 What kind of different countries/ cultures do you mean? Is he or are you a foreign student or on a work visa? Is his vacation going back to his home country? 

Definitely alcohol, nerves and being tired makes a difference.  You can wait for him to text you. Allow for some breathing room. Don't send this text. Simply ask for coffee if you wish. 

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 What kind of different countries/ cultures do you mean? Is he or are you a foreign student or on a work visa? Is his vacation going back to his home country? 

Definitely alcohol, nerves and being tired makes a difference.  You can wait for him to text you. Allow for some breathing room. Don't send this text. Simply ask for coffee if you wish. 

Nono we are both working full time in the same country. He's from that country (known for being more reserved and introverted) and I am more extrovert but that's it. We share a lot.

Yes, I think it was a mix of what you said... we are humans, not machines. It can happen. I hope he texts me today or tonight, I will try to wait for him, otherwise I will ask him for a coffee 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 hour ago, billiejean said:

.  we are from two different countries/cultures. 

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage?  What exactly do you mean by from an "introverted culture"? Do you mean more conservative than your culture/country? You claim you are from two different cultures/countries. Is his vacation to visit his home country?

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage?  What exactly do you mean by from an "introverted culture"? Do you mean more conservative than your culture/country? You claim you are from two different cultures/countries. Is his vacation to visit his home country?

No, sorry for the misunderstanding. He's not for an arranged marriage, only thing is that he's more introverted while I'm more extroverted. He is Swiss and I am Spanish 

We both live and work in the same city

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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3 hours ago, billiejean said:

. I was thinking of saying "I really had a fun night yesterday! Thank you also for driving me home. Hope to see you again before you leave for *name of the city*. What do you think?

Thoughts?

 

Yes that text sounds really nice. I doubt he’s not attracted to you. More likely he was just nervous and mad at himself for forgetting the condoms in the car. He might be worried you lost interest because of the less than stellar sex, so you sending that text will reassure him. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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50 minutes ago, billiejean said:

He is Swiss and I am Spanish .We both live and work in the same city

Ok ED happens but usually not because of lack of attraction but for the other factors. It will be fine when he gets  back from his vacation.

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, billiejean said:

Nono we are both working full time in the same country. He's from that country (known for being more reserved and introverted) and I am more extrovert but that's it. We share a lot.

Yes, I think it was a mix of what you said... we are humans, not machines. It can happen. I hope he texts me today or tonight, I will try to wait for him, otherwise I will ask him for a coffee 


him losing it….it happens. Do not take it personally.

 

nerves, stress, tiredness, mood affects this.

him pre ejaculated would affect this.

 

my concern is he might be playing you just to get into your pants. Suddenly jumping off bumble and saying he hoped to get a conversation with you are BS lines.

 

 

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glows Established Member

glows

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5 hours ago, billiejean said:

I was thinking of saying "I really had a fun night yesterday! Thank you also for driving me home. Hope to see you again before you leave for *name of the city*. What do you think?

He likes you and he's attracted to you. I wouldn't worry about the evening. It's ok to send the message. 

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, billiejean said:

After some foreplay he goes for a condom but... they were locked in the car, cause he had bought them the day before and forgot to take them home. He then literally run to the car and came back like 3 minutes after, but I have to say it was a bit of a mood killer for both of us unfortunately. I sensed he was a bit nervous, he was sweating for the run and just after some minutes that we were doing it, he couldn't maintain it up and said "Sorry I think tonight is not my night, sorry I dont know what is happening 

Well yeah that can completely kill the vibe.  That's simple logistics, how could he leave the condoms in the car?  I'm sure he was extremely embarassed.  I would just chalk it up to that honestly.

Edited by dramafreezone
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted

The sex was a little unexpected to him so of course he forgot that he didn't grab the condoms...he was distracted! A guy that isn't interested doesn't go for a sprint to get condoms. Be positive. 

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted (edited)

In addition to the car thing, it could be he's simply not entirely comfortable with you yet - so nervous, distracted, etc. That doesn't at all mean he doesn't like you + it will probably improve in time, like after a few dates. While it certainly doesn't always happen, first times not going overly well is a pretty well recognized issue.

Edited by mark clemson
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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes that text sounds really nice. I doubt he’s not attracted to you. More likely he was just nervous and mad at himself for forgetting the condoms in the car. He might be worried you lost interest because of the less than stellar sex, so you sending that text will reassure him. 

Yes he seemed very embarrassed and sorry for the awkward moment. He doesn’t give me f*** boy vibes, he seems a very serious guy, doing a PhD and at the same time preparing for the law bar exam. 
he’s also very sporty and with a great body so maybe he thought that I had some expectations from him and I was disappointed

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:


him losing it….it happens. Do not take it personally.

 

nerves, stress, tiredness, mood affects this.

him pre ejaculated would affect this.

 

my concern is he might be playing you just to get into your pants. Suddenly jumping off bumble and saying he hoped to get a conversation with you are BS lines.

 

 

yeah I don't believe 100% the words he said, however I have to admit his behaviour has been impeccable so far. he seems really serious and knows how to treat a woman.

Hope to see him again this weekend!

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Well yeah that can completely kill the vibe.  That's simple logistics, how could he leave the condoms in the car?  I'm sure he was extremely embarassed.  I would just chalk it up to that honestly.

yes he was indeed! It was a very awkward moment, especially cause it was our first time. I could definitely feel his embarrassment, he said "sorry" a million times and looked anxious. 

I think tonight or tomorrow morning I'll send him a message like "Hola :) I've heard *name of the place* is really nice, would you like to check it together tomorrow afternoon? Wish you an amazing day/night!"

 

 

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

A guy that isn't interested doesn't go for a sprint to get condoms

Quoted for truth!

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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31 minutes ago, billiejean said:

yes he was indeed! It was a very awkward moment, especially cause it was our first time. I could definitely feel his embarrassment, he said "sorry" a million times and looked anxious. 

I think tonight or tomorrow morning I'll send him a message like "Hola :) I've heard *name of the place* is really nice, would you like to check it together tomorrow afternoon? Wish you an amazing day/night!"

 

 

It may come off as old-fashioned but after being intimate with a man for the first time I wouldn't feel inclined to reach out just yet.

glows Established Member

glows

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Posted
31 minutes ago, billiejean said:

yes he was indeed! It was a very awkward moment, especially cause it was our first time. I could definitely feel his embarrassment, he said "sorry" a million times and looked anxious. 

I think tonight or tomorrow morning I'll send him a message like "Hola :) I've heard *name of the place* is really nice, would you like to check it together tomorrow afternoon? Wish you an amazing day/night!"

 

 

Yes, send the message. He's into you.

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

It may come off as old-fashioned but after being intimate with a man for the first time I wouldn't feel inclined to reach out just yet.

Even if he may feel I don’t want him anymore because he didn’t perform that well? On other blogs I read some posts made by men to whom happened the same thing and they were afraid the girl was not into them anymore because of that. In other instances they said the girl completely turned cold/rejected them because she was not satisfied with the sex performance. I want him to know that I am couldn’t care less, we are not machines and I still want to get to know him for his other amazing qualities. First time with someone new is always a bit strange, I am sure it will improve with time

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glows Established Member

glows

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You'll want to remain confident in the way you feel about the interaction also, not always depending on your partner for cues. 

If he's not interested or you both don't work out eventually, it will show itself. 

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billiejean New Member

billiejean

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Just now, glows said:

You'll want to remain confident in the way you feel about the interaction also, not always depending on your partner for cues. 

If he's not interested or you both don't work out eventually, it will show itself. 

So that’s why I should send the message, right? 
apart from the sex we have a lot of fun and we laugh all the time

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dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

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Posted (edited)
45 minutes ago, billiejean said:

yes he was indeed! It was a very awkward moment, especially cause it was our first time. I could definitely feel his embarrassment, he said "sorry" a million times and looked anxious. 

I think tonight or tomorrow morning I'll send him a message like "Hola :) I've heard *name of the place* is really nice, would you like to check it together tomorrow afternoon? Wish you an amazing day/night!"

 

 

I think that would go a long way and make him appreciate you even more if you pretend like that debacle never happened.  

Our imaginations get the best of us at times like this so the sooner you help to put this behind you both, the better.

Edited by dramafreezone
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glows Established Member

glows

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6 minutes ago, billiejean said:

So that’s why I should send the message, right? 
apart from the sex we have a lot of fun and we laugh all the time

I don't see why not. Is there another reason why you're hesitating? 

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