Coasting1991 Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 Hi All, I have been with my GF for about ~3 months now (~2months exclusively dating, officially BF/GF a couple of weeks). We knew each other previously, chatting casually for a couple of months before dating. Things are going really smoothly so far (I know it's early days), no issues at all. Only thing that has been weighing on my mind a little is my future in the area of where we live. We're both in PhD programs and before we started dating I had been tossing around the idea in my mind of moving somewhere completely new after graduation. I've been in school for the past 10+ years with undergrad, internships, and graduate school so I'm really looking forward to actually having a stable job actually making some money, and thought it would be fun to do it in a new city/possibly new state. Realistically, she would have another 4-5 years before she graduates, while I'll be done in a few months. We both have said separately that we don't like long distance relationships in conversations unrelated to this. I don't know 100% if I would leave the area after graduating, job prospects are really great where I currently live and it's an amazing city with tons to do. Is this something that I should bring up to her now, or wait until things are a little more clear? Obviously this is an important discussion to have with her, but also I don't want to give her undue anxiety by essentially saying "Hey I might leave but I'm not 100% sure" and then have that hang over the relationship... Thoughts and opinions welcome!
glows Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) Someone who cares about you will want you to be happy and pursue what you need to and never hold you back. That includes moving away for a "fun" prospect in another city. It's more fair, to me, to know early on. I have the belief that if anything comes up that changes or deviates from what's usually going on or any impression either partner has, honesty and being upfront sooner than later preserves the long term integrity of that relationship. She may be upset and hurt at first or try to wrap her mind around it or think of meeting you there once she is done but she will be better equipped to also decide whether she wants to continue seeing you. That is her decision to make also. It doesn't just rest with you and don't assume that she wants to be with you if you move. Leave you both the option to live and grow. I would tell her if you are starting to look or apply for job opportunities out of town. And of course, decide first within yourself that that's what you want to do. Edited May 10, 2022 by glows
smackie9 Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) Well if you find an opportunity, end the relationship and follow your dreams. Here's the thing...if you are serious with someone then that means you are on your way to settle down and make a life with them. If you want to move around and have new experiences, there is no point in being in a relationship and should stay single...date casually. Sounds like you already have it in mind...not fair to her now is it. Edited May 10, 2022 by smackie9 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 26 minutes ago, Coasting1991 said: I have been with my GF for about ~3 months now (~2months exclusively dating, officially BF/GF a couple of weeks) I don't know 100% if I would leave the area after graduating, job prospects are really great where I currently live and it's an amazing city with tons to do. Is this something that I should bring up to her now, or wait until things are a little more clear? Obviously this is an important discussion to have with her, but also I don't want to give her undue anxiety by essentially saying "Hey I might leave but I'm not 100% sure" and then have that hang over the relationship. Follow your aspirations and see where you can find a job after graduation. As of now, you don't even have something lined up and are not certain. You're dating a few weeks. You can bring it up casually.
Ami1uwant Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 2 hours ago, Coasting1991 said: Hi All, I have been with my GF for about ~3 months now (~2months exclusively dating, officially BF/GF a couple of weeks). We knew each other previously, chatting casually for a couple of months before dating. Things are going really smoothly so far (I know it's early days), no issues at all. Only thing that has been weighing on my mind a little is my future in the area of where we live. We're both in PhD programs and before we started dating I had been tossing around the idea in my mind of moving somewhere completely new after graduation. I've been in school for the past 10+ years with undergrad, internships, and graduate school so I'm really looking forward to actually having a stable job actually making some money, and thought it would be fun to do it in a new city/possibly new state. Realistically, she would have another 4-5 years before she graduates, while I'll be done in a few months. We both have said separately that we don't like long distance relationships in conversations unrelated to this. I don't know 100% if I would leave the area after graduating, job prospects are really great where I currently live and it's an amazing city with tons to do. Is this something that I should bring up to her now, or wait until things are a little more clear? Obviously this is an important discussion to have with her, but also I don't want to give her undue anxiety by essentially saying "Hey I might leave but I'm not 100% sure" and then have that hang over the relationship... Thoughts and opinions welcome! this is a problrm that occurs in a relationship ypthst ends it without something one person did. she shoukd understand where you are with graduation and career. a big question….what sort of specialty fields are you in? Store you both going the university tract with phDs or non university? Given the potential highly specialized areas where coukd you both even get jobs? both my brother and his wife met befire going to grad school. They decided grad schools based on locations and metro areas. Some places they woukd do the same school, other places thry would go to different grad schools. After they finished their degrees it was my brother who drive where they wound go because his field was highly specialized which limited the universities. His wife was in a much broader field where she could work just about anywhere. Didn’t mean she had to get a job st the same university if it was a large city with multiple universities. I’ve been in a situation something like yours but a little different. I had gotten to know someone because of a place I worked and she came in there frequently. I got to know a lot about her. I had a lot of interest in her but the thing that held me back was this “different places at different times”. She was a few years older than me. She lived elsewhere but moved back to her home town after divorce. I was looking at going to grad school out of town where I knew I’d be move away and did I want to even pursue something…so I didnt it was the one big what if in life Ive had where I wonder about how my life path could’ve been very different than it has.
Maldives Posted May 11, 2022 Posted May 11, 2022 (edited) I wouldn't say a word from personal experience. I was seeing a girl for about 6 months many years ago now and at the time I really wanted to go for a working holiday in Canada for 2 years. Just when I met her and I kept bringing that up and that basically ended the relationship and I never ended up going in the end to Canada lol. I wouldn't say anything, especially if you're unsure. It's just going to cause uncertainty in her and potentially a breakup Edited May 11, 2022 by Goodguy05 1
ShyViolet Posted May 12, 2022 Posted May 12, 2022 Don't create problems where there are no problems. You don't actually have any set plans to leave..... you say it's only an idea you've tossed around in your head. You also say that staying in your current city would be great too.... it has great job prospects and tons to do. You've literally been dating this person a few weeks.... it's WAY too premature to talk about the future of this relationship or where you see yourself living. You don't even sound sure about where you want to live. So stop over analyzing this and let the relationship progress. In a few months when you graduate, if this relationship has gotten more serious and you're really committed to her, I'm sure that will factor into your decision on whether to move away or not. But you haven't crossed that bridge yet. If the relationship isn't making you really want to stay, then end it and move wherever you want. 2
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