Getting back together after fight, what to do?

[Lovewave]

My girlfriend and I have been dating about a year,  and it's been a pretty good relationship.  Well, we got into our first really big fight and said we are done. Well... maybe not?  After a few days we started texting again,  and we met up and she was pretty standoffish.  By the end of the date,  I said I loved her,  she said she loved me and gave me a kiss.  So that ended well.  We are meeting again a week later.  I'm just not real sure what to expect.  I don't want to be pushy, but I can tell she's nervous and still keeping me arms length away.  She doesn't say she loves me in text anymore and doesn't reply as quickly as she is too. I just want things to go back to what they were.  She's more hesitant, I can tell. Her meeting me I think is a good thing,  but weekends alone is hard.  She definitely seems more content alone than I am.  

    Any suggestions?

[basil67]

I know you want things to go back how they were, but you must be careful to not be seen as a doormat....or else she may walk all over you. 

Personally, I'd be wary about giving anyone a second chance after they dumped me, but if I did, it would only be after they'd sincerely apologised and groveled a lot.  And think about discussing that there won't be a second chance if she does it again (and mean it!)

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Lovewave said:

. I just want things to go back to what they were.    She definitely seems more content alone than I am.  

Sorry this is happening. What was the argument about? How old is she?

Are these recurring compatibility issues or did something happen causing the fight?

It all depends on what went sideways, if apologies were made and if whatever it was is resolved.

It's ok to let the dust settle until cooler heads prevail.

[Lovewave]

Well... to be honest we were drinking,  so yea... not the wisest thing in the world.  That is why the argument in ways is null and void.  From what we discussed we are still together and never actually "broke up". However as I said above she's become kind of distant.  Like a scared cat I suppose.  It's difficult getting her to come back around.  I'm willing to give this some time,  I can understand being hesitant but? Something definitely seems broken.

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, Lovewave said:

Well, we got into our first really big fight and said we are done.

This is a problem, imo.  Mature people don't call things off without truly considering if this is what they want to do. If you and your gf reconcile, I think you need to have some serious discussions about how to "fight fair" -- being able to express what is bothering you without threats of ending the relationship. 

 

30 minutes ago, Lovewave said:

she's become kind of distant.  Like a scared cat I suppose.  It's difficult getting her to come back around.  I'm willing to give this some time,  I can understand being hesitant but? Something definitely seems broken.

Yes, the knowledge/trust that you would weather disagreements together has been broken.  This is what needs to be discussed and rebuilt.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lovewave said:

My girlfriend and I have been dating about a year,  and it's been a pretty good relationship.  Well, we got into our first really big fight and said we are done. Well... maybe not?  After a few days we started texting again,  and we met up and she was pretty standoffish.  By the end of the date,  I said I loved her,  she said she loved me and gave me a kiss.  So that ended well.  We are meeting again a week later.  I'm just not real sure what to expect.  I don't want to be pushy, but I can tell she's nervous and still keeping me arms length away.  She doesn't say she loves me in text anymore and doesn't reply as quickly as she is too. I just want things to go back to what they were.  She's more hesitant, I can tell. Her meeting me I think is a good thing,  but weekends alone is hard.  She definitely seems more content alone than I am.  

    Any suggestions?

What was the argument about? 

Just because you were drunk or tipsy doesn't make an argument null and void or a break up null and void. And it doesn't excuse any words or actions during that time. 

[Guildford]

During the year that I dated my wife, we broke up two or three times when she said that we should remain friends and see other people.  I did not like it but what could I do?  She never said, "This platonic business is not working, let's get back together."  No, she sexually assaulted me and we made mad passionate love, and we were back together.

When you are together, take her hand, pull her toward you and kiss her.  If she responds in kind then you are back together, if she pulls away, then you should go no contact.  You do not want to keep the relationship going in its current condition.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Lovewave said:

Well... to be honest we were drinking,  so yea... not the wisest thing in the world.  That is why the argument in ways is null and void.  From what we discussed we are still together and never actually "broke up". However as I said above she's become kind of distant.  Like a scared cat I suppose.  It's difficult getting her to come back around.  I'm willing to give this some time,  I can understand being hesitant but? Something definitely seems broken.

being drunk is not a get out of jail free card.

the content of the argument needs to be addressed.

 

a long relationship I was in fir about 4 yrs. We never fought. We might have had some disagreements or miscommunications.  Then we had a big fight that I didn’t see coming. Prior to the fight there was strain in the relationship that I have a very good guess why.  After this fight we had a few “ dates”. If things were different ( long background here) we might have gotten back together.

[Myasylum]

I just recall her being kind of short and argumentative with me when we were drinking,  and I was trying to figure out why... I believe the argument spiraled out of control after yet. So,  maybe there is more behind the whole thing,  idk?

    She says we're still together, what happened is now behind us.  Last week she kissed me once and said she loves me. However... she still keeps me at arms distance.  Will only meet me at places, and no longer says she loves me in text. Kind of mixed signals I guess?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lovewave said:

Well... to be honest we were drinking,  so yea... not the wisest thing in the world.  That is why the argument in ways is null and void. 

Apparently it's not "null and void" in her mind. Does she claim you did/said hurtful things? Do you recall the events leading to the argument? It sounds more serious than you think if she ended it and is giving you the cold shoulder. You seem to dismiss whatever this meant from her side.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

I just recall her being kind of short and argumentative with me when we were drinking,  and I was trying to figure out why... I believe the argument spiraled out of control after yet. So,  maybe there is more behind the whole thing,  idk?

    She says we're still together, what happened is now behind us.  Last week she kissed me once and said she loves me. However... she still keeps me at arms distance.  Will only meet me at places, and no longer says she loves me in text. Kind of mixed signals I guess?

If it spiralled out of control you'll need to find out or try to recall what was said. Of course there is more behind the whole thing. People don't just switch and freeze up like that for no reason or act like a "scared cat". She may be tiptoeing around you because she doesn't trust your reactions. If you can't remember or are suggesting you have no recollection at all, it would cause a lot of people to step back. 

It might also be a good idea to give up drinking altogether if you know there are instances like this that happen where you don't remember a lot or people draw away from you.

[introverted1]

49 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

I just recall her being kind of short and argumentative with me when we were drinking,  and I was trying to figure out why... I believe the argument spiraled out of control after yet. So,  maybe there is more behind the whole thing,  idk?

    She says we're still together, what happened is now behind us.  Last week she kissed me once and said she loves me. However... she still keeps me at arms distance.  Will only meet me at places, and no longer says she loves me in text. Kind of mixed signals I guess?

Are you the OP?

[Alpacalia]

In most cases, if a woman has been hurt, it takes her longer to warm up.

If your girlfriend is cold and there’s tension, then I doubt things are really settled. It's either there's a ton of resentment going on, or whatever it is during the argument offended or upset her to the point where things aren't going fairly, equitably, reciprocally, or mutually, and she's either still upset or scared to get close to you again.

Examine your role in the fight to the best of your ability. If you are the instigator, STOP provoking. Make and keep peace.

If she is, the question that must be asked is, can you be with somebody who will be too dramatic and high-tense to be enjoyable? If the fight was particularly emotional, make sure you understand and acknowledge every emotion involved, deal with it openly and honestly, and see if you both can find a resolution that will satisfy everyone involved. 

Just take it slow and things may end up fine.

Try not to drink and fight moving forward.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

She keeps you at arms length because this issue needs to be resolved. You cannot just forget about it and act like it never happened. She's still pissed off. 

Edited May 10, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Myasylum said:

I just recall her being kind of short and argumentative with me when we were drinking, 

It seems the conflicts are greater than you believe.

 Is this the same woman?:

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You have to call her or go up to her and say, "hey, we had an argument. Clearly it bothers you. I want to resolve things."

Space is not a good strategy here. You have to resolve the argument. First of all, what EXACTLY did you say? The challenge of relationships is that something we find non-controversial can be troubling to our partner. We have to learn our partner's sore spots (and they ours) over time. So WHAT did you say in the drunken state? And what did she say?

That you were drunk does not make the argument irrelevant. In fact, drunkenness worsens things. People can get really unfiltered, a nasty side can come out. Or people might say something to a partner that is critical, which they have not said when sober.  The partner can feel shocked and hurt and betrayed ("I didn't know you thought that"). 

You have to just approach her. Space doesn't solve this one. Do you want to continue dating her? If so, tell her that and go meet her and tell her you'll quietly listen to what she has to say? Your task right now is to go into curious mode. Really open-minded mode. You want to find out what she's feeling and thinking and you want to reassure her (assuming you can empathize with what she's feeling).

If you can add some tenderness to your approach, that's really good. You approach with the goal of hearing her out and reassuring her, not with the attitude that you want to continue whatever argument there was or that you want to minimize her hurt. 

Every couple fights at some point. Whether you survive depends on how you handle the fights. Fighting is sometimes when you learn the most about your partner. This can be an opportunity. On the other hand, it may be that you are only now paying attention to things that bother her, that have bothered her in the past. She may have remained quiet on some parts of the relationship that she didn't like. And something happened and now all the she doesn't like about the relationship has come rushing forward. 

Either way, you have to talk. Call her. Skip the texting. Call. And really you want to have this talk in person. But phone is 10x better than texting. Texting to resolve an argument like this has no chance of working. 

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by Lotsgoingon