What Could I Have Done Differently?

[MIAho]

About a month ago, I met this woman through an online dating site and we seemed to hit off pretty well. We share the same career field and a lot of the same interests. For our first date, we met for a walk in the park and talked for about four hours. By the end of the date, she was already talking about seeing me again, we shared a nice kiss and she seemed really excited.

But when we talked the following week, she let me know that she wasn't available until the following weekend because she was going to a family event that weekend. We were supposed to meet the following Saturday but she ended up pushing it back again to Sunday after one her friends had an emergency. 

For our second date, she again insisted on meeting at a park, only this time one that was close to where I lived. (We live about 30 minutes away from each other) I chose a park that had a hiking trail that she had trouble getting to. First, she got stuck in traffic and then she ended up going to the wrong entrance. By the time we finally met, her energy and enthusiasm seemed a little off. 

As the date progressed, she started to become less talkative and more guarded, even walking ahead of me. Towards the end, we sat and talked for a bit and after I walked her to her car, we shared an awkward kiss and goodbye. After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

I'm a little disappointed and confused with how things turned out with us. How could something that began with so much potential end the way it did? In my experience dating, first dates that have been like the one we had, always led to a long-term relationship. If we had done something else besides meet in a park, or she didn't get stuck in traffic or get lost, would we had gone out again? I still kind of feel like there was potential there. What went wrong? 

What could I have done differently? 

Edited May 10, 2022 by MIAho
Grammar

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, MIAho said:

How could something that began with so much potential end the way it did? In my experience dating, first dates that have been like the one we had, always led to a long-term relationship.

This is a very, very unrealistic expectation that you have here.  Not all great first dates will lead to a relationship.  MOST first dates that you go on, even if they seemed to go well, will not lead to a long term relationship.  Welcome to the world of dating.  

For whatever reason she decided that she wasn't interested in dating you.  There's absolutely nothing you can do to "make" a person interested in you, when they're just not feeling it.  Don't over-analyze this to death. This is completely normal stuff in dating, it happens, and you need to just move forward.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, MIAho said:

After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

Why did you go for four days without contacting her? Maybe she figured that you were not that much into her. Why didn't you ask her for another date instead of officially ending things if you were interested? Maybe she would've said yes, who knows. After all, you had absolutely nothing to lose. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, MIAho said:

About a month ago, I met this woman through an online dating site and we seemed to hit off pretty well. We share the same career field and a lot of the same interests. For our first date, we met for a walk in the park and talked for about four hours. By the end of the date, she was already talking about seeing me again, we shared a nice kiss and she seemed really excited.

But when we talked the following week, she let me know that she wasn't available until the following weekend because she was going to a family event that weekend. We were supposed to meet the following Saturday but she ended up pushing it back again to Sunday after one her friends had an emergency. 

For our second date, she again insisted on meeting at a park, only this time one that was close to where I lived. (We live about 30 minutes away from each other) I chose a park that had a hiking trail that she had trouble getting to. First, she got stuck in traffic and then she ended up going to the wrong entrance. By the time we finally met, her energy and enthusiasm seemed a little off. 

As the date progressed, she started to become less talkative and more guarded, even walking ahead of me. Towards the end, we sat and talked for a bit and after I walked her to her car, we shared an awkward kiss and goodbye. After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

I'm a little disappointed and confused with how things turned out with us. How could something that began with so much potential end the way it did? In my experience dating, first dates that have been like the one we had, always led to a long-term relationship. If we had done something else besides meet in a park, or she didn't get stuck in traffic or get lost, would we had gone out again? I still kind of feel like there was potential there. What went wrong? 

What could I have done differently? 

 

i have seen it happen personally many times where it appears like a very good first meet but then nothings come of it and you don’t know what happened.

 

my gut says

 

(1) you aren’t the only one she has been dating.

 

don’t assume you are the only one they are dating.  They could have a very good meet with but things are better with others she is dating so you are coming in 2nd or 3zrd

 

(2) too much time between dates kills the spark

besides the issue of dating others during this time, if someone goes away on vacation ir travel it tends to break the courtship oart where you do t talk. Since there isn’t much invested after a first meet or two it becomes out of sight out of mind.

 

(3) the impression made in meeting in a park might say you are cheap or not putting much an effort in this.

 

maybe she was expecting more from you early on. You failed, she lost interest.  Sometimes an initial spark diesnt last like because the spark was driven by a certain topic you both have interest in but it didn’t move on to other things.

 

;4) the whole OLD thing…

 

a thing that has occured with online dating vs meeting people in non online ways it that peop,e get absorbed and don’t process things properly.  It has to do with how people make choices.  If they didn’t have much luck getting dates the old way, they go online and are getting more contacts at dates it’s overwhelming them.

 

an example of that comes from economic theory. If you e been in a supermarket and there was someone who asked you to try something like a new product with different flavors.  Studies have shown if you only have 3-5 to choose from you pick one, buy it, like it, and buy it again.  If they have 10+ options to choose from the customer gets overwhelmed with choices, they can’t decide and then don’t buy.  Similar thing happens in dating.

 

the other problem is ideal or dream vs reality.  There have been many books/ articles written on this where had two people met the old way and knew they likely had limited choices where they were they might make more of an effort todo a few dates and get to know the person and it probably could be a long lasting relationship because they were an 85%+ match. Because it occured online andthey think there are more choices if they aren’t blown away they next people to quickly. Part of the reason in this is that they look at perceived flaws vs perceived qualities.

 

 

[chillii]

l'd say nothing really , by through the second she was just starting to lose interest. When you first meet someone you both try to make an effort and that's not really about you actually getting along so well. l notice a lot of people mistake it for that though but really, it was more just about that effort.

Edited May 10, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MIAho said:

I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. 

Sorry this happened. You're both talking to and meeting others at this point. The dates seemed ok but not stellar.

There's nothing to "end" after 2 dates. If you are interested in someone communicate and ask them out again.

Try to be more organized on dates. And communicate better.

[MIAho]

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

(2) too much time between dates kills the spark

besides the issue of dating others during this time, if someone goes away on vacation ir travel it tends to break the courtship oart where you do t talk. Since there isn’t much invested after a first meet or two it becomes out of sight out of mind.

 

(3) the impression made in meeting in a park might say you are cheap or not putting much an effort in this.

 

maybe she was expecting more from you early on. You failed, she lost interest.  Sometimes an initial spark diesnt last like because the spark was driven by a certain topic you both have interest in but it didn’t move on to other things.

 

 

 

2. I agree with you on this. I thought this killed whatever momentum we had but. It was what is was.

 

3. This was HER idea. She said that "coffee/drinks/dinner dates" made her uncomfortable. 

[MIAho]

8 hours ago, Alvi said:

Why did you go for four days without contacting her? Maybe she figured that you were not that much into her. Why didn't you ask her for another date instead of officially ending things if you were interested? Maybe she would've said yes, who knows. After all, you had absolutely nothing to lose. 

Before and after our first date she was practically blowing up my phone. She was always the first one to text me. She would text me "Good Morning" and check in with how my day was going etc. To me, her even going two days without texting me was a sign that she wasn't interested in seeing me again. I didn't see the point in asking her out again, if she was just going to say she wasn't interested. 

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, MIAho said:

After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

I am not sure why you did this.  Yes, I saw your other response that she had previously been blowing up your phone, but there are any number of reasons why she didn't do that after your second date.  By pre-emptively "ending things," you created your own fate.  Had you just reached out with a neutral text, you might have learned more about where her head was at.  Even if she was hoping for a 3rd date, there was no way she was going to say so after you called things off. I think you acted hastily, presumably in an effort to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. 

ETA:  it was the same 4 days of no contact for her - she didn't hear from you during that time, either.  She probably thought your interest had waned. Your text then confirmed it.

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by introverted1

[Marka]

7 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I am not sure why you did this.  Yes, I saw your other response that she had previously been blowing up your phone, but there are any number of reasons why she didn't do that after your second date.  By pre-emptively "ending things," you created your own fate.  Had you just reached out with a neutral text, you might have learned more about where her head was at.  Even if she was hoping for a 3rd date, there was no way she was going to say so after you called things off. I think you acted hastily, presumably in an effort to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. 

 

Agree on that.

Probably she was tired of being the one who showed initiative all the time. Decided to pull back a little to see whether you will show at least a bit interest in her? But you went silent for four days... And then this breakup message ,,, absolutely unnessasiry at this stage. 

Ideally you should have reached out first saying that you enjoyed time spent with her and would like to see her again. If she doesnt like drinking/eating out, suggest mini golf or bowling. Be more proactive next time and not afraid showing interest and being in charge of dates. You are the man after all.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, MIAho said:

2. I agree with you on this. I thought this killed whatever momentum we had but. It was what is was.

 

3. This was HER idea. She said that "coffee/drinks/dinner dates" made her uncomfortable. 

she didn’t want a meal.  You could have instead done something like a farmers market, a museum, a city event , walk a pedestrian area with shops.  Basically places that spark a conversation of things youare seeing or encountering.  Her not wanting a dinner dates says she probably isn’t much of a conversation person.
 

On your other comment— she felt she was chasing you and it wasn’t reciprocal.  I’ve done this myself….if I feel I’m the one who is always initiating contact I pull away to see how important I actually am to that person.

[glows]

I think you ended it too quickly as it might not have met the previous momentum of other first or second dates you've been on. It frustrated you to an extent where you no longer felt good about it.

I'm not sure why she was walking ahead of you during the walk. Maybe she could feel your growing frustration and you both were feeding off of that negativity that you were both feeling. Sometimes people just walk faster than others but you seem to have felt some tension.

Try being a bit more confident during your dates and not making a big deal out of these minor issues or problems with logistics. These things can be improved over time with more communication. If she seemed a little tired or off, suggest getting a refreshment or go out for food. She was in your neighbourhood so I'm sure you know a few places. Tell her you'd like to take her out again at the end of the date. Don't wait for her to message you the day after.

I personally don't depend on messages. I like all the interactions to be in person from tentative plans to showing interest. Texts are just to say hi how are you, exchange a couple of messages during the day when you can't meet or to send details/info about a meet up place or confirm details. Calls are if you miss the person and can't meet right away but want to hear their voice. 

 

[smackie9]

When things are confusing like this, it's a possibility she's bi-polar, or depressed, etc. Not making a diagnosis, but a stressful situation can turn their thinking on a dime, and their way of dealing with it is to shut down/to get away from it/distance themselves. 

[MIAho]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I am not sure why you did this.  Yes, I saw your other response that she had previously been blowing up your phone, but there are any number of reasons why she didn't do that after your second date.  By pre-emptively "ending things," you created your own fate.  Had you just reached out with a neutral text, you might have learned more about where her head was at.  Even if she was hoping for a 3rd date, there was no way she was going to say so after you called things off. I think you acted hastily, presumably in an effort to be the dumper rather than the dumpee. 

ETA:  it was the same 4 days of no contact for her - she didn't hear from you during that time, either.  She probably thought your interest had waned. Your text then confirmed it.

 

Ok,  so what do you want me to say? That I acted too soon in ending it? That I regret sending her the text to end it, even though from my experience, the odds probably weren't in my favor for a 3rd date.

I was basing my conclusions on her actions and her body language during and after the date. I would like to text her again and have a do over by it doesn't work that way

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, MIAho said:

Ok,  so what do you want me to say?

In your OP, you asked what you could have done differently.  I was answering that.  

 

5 minutes ago, MIAho said:

I was basing my conclusions on her actions and her body language during and after the date.

Ok, but understand that your choices were to contact her and find out OR to assume and never know if you did the right thing. You chose door #2; I am just saying that door #1 might have served you better.

 

6 minutes ago, MIAho said:

I would like to text her again and have a do over by it doesn't work that way

Exactly.  And that's why door #1 is a better choice.  Yes, there's a risk she'll reject you, but would that actually be worse than the situation you are in now?

[glows]

1 hour ago, MIAho said:

the odds probably weren't in my favor for a 3rd date.

Not sure why you're jumping to conclusions here. You don't know that as you didn't give it a chance. You're wondering about what you could have done differently or what could have been as you felt there was more potential so that's what we're telling you (what you could have done differently). 

[Kamille]

I believe you're right in assessing that the odds weren't in your favour. Yes, you could have reached out to ask for a date, and she might have said yes, or she might have declined. If she had declined, chances are you would still be wondering what you could have done differently, so I agree with you that this isn't the central point here.

Yet, I doubt this has much to do with you, or anything you could have done. She stated she's not comfortable going for drinks or to a restaurant. Good on you for being open to that, but that's an odd statement to make. Did she explain why? Was it Covid-related?

[MIAho]

20 minutes ago, Kamille said:

I believe you're right in assessing that the odds weren't in your favour. Yes, you could have reached out to ask for a date, and she might have said yes, or she might have declined. If she had declined, chances are you would still be wondering what you could have done differently, so I agree with you that this isn't the central point here.

Yet, I doubt this has much to do with you, or anything you could have done. She stated she's not comfortable going for drinks or to a restaurant. Good on you for being open to that, but that's an odd statement to make. Did she explain why? Was it Covid-related?

She said that dinner/drinks dates felt too much like a job interview and that intimidated her.

[dramafreezone]

17 hours ago, MIAho said:

As the date progressed, she started to become less talkative and more guarded, even walking ahead of me. Towards the end, we sat and talked for a bit and after I walked her to her car, we shared an awkward kiss and goodbye. After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

I'm a little disappointed and confused with how things turned out with us. How could something that began with so much potential end the way it did? In my experience dating, first dates that have been like the one we had, always led to a long-term relationship. If we had done something else besides meet in a park, or she didn't get stuck in traffic or get lost, would we had gone out again? I still kind of feel like there was potential there. What went wrong? 

I think we assume that anyone's behavior around us is due to something we did to cause that behavior.

Her cooling off may have had little to nothing to do with you.  Additionally, you will never know, only she knows the truth and you'll never know the entire truth.  It's a waste of your time to try and mull over the literally hundreds of small reasons why she may have cooled off.  It happens, even with people that you are romantically involved with long term, or even married.  We all go hot and cold.

I say this as someone that's kinda going through the same thing with someone that I had a really good date with a few weeks back.  But logically what I know is that person has an entire life outside of you.  Maybe it's family issues, maybe it's another guy that was in the picture before you, maybe it's work, maybe it's a combination of all three.  You'll never know so what good does it do to obsess about it?

One thing I would not have done is texted her to "end it."  There was really nothing to end, and it's seems to indicate that you were far more into this than she was.  I think you let her off the hook so to speak, whereas if you'd just waited and done nothing she may have come back around.

Quote

She said that dinner/drinks dates felt too much like a job interview and that intimidated her.

If she said this then that makes sense.  I think that she sensed that you were getting too serious too quickly instead of just being cool and laid back.  Dinner is not a laid back type of date.  And you're alluding to the fact that you were envisioning a long term relationship already.  She probably sensed that and for a lot of people that's too much so early on.

Assuming that your dates went the exact same for me, only thing I would've done differently is not messaged her once she fell off the grid.  If she backs off communication you back off.  In my opinion, some people back off intentionally to see how the other person is going to react.

Edited May 10, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Kamille]

53 minutes ago, MIAho said:

She said that dinner/drinks dates felt too much like a job interview and that intimidated her.

 

Her discomfort about meeting for dinner or drinks: this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. She was already feeling skittish about dating to begin with. 

Had she done much on-line dating? When I first started using OLD, I would often bail on perfectly great guys. On-line dating didn't feel natural to me. 

Don't sweat this: it's not about you.

[glows]

1 hour ago, MIAho said:

She said that dinner/drinks dates felt too much like a job interview and that intimidated her.

There are ways to work around that depending on interest level. We won't know now. If you found this a bit of a turn off, I don't blame you. I think it was a perfect opportunity to suggest you grab something to eat after the walk. 

Ultimately if someone isn't up for doing similar things, they're really not compatible with you. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Lots of great first dates go nowhere. And look, people can spend four hours on a first date even the chemistry isn't that great. I'm not convinced from your description that there was real romantic chemistry going on (not that it's immediately required).

I have been on multiple long dates (yes as long as four-hours) when there was respect but no real chemistry. 

Looking back, the reason these dates went on so long was because I kept hoping (and possibly they kept hoping) that some spark would emerge if we just kept talking. Kissing at the end doesn't necessarily indicate chemistry or interest. Again, some people hope that some spark emerges during the end-of-date kiss. So the number of hours is not indicate of real chemistry. 

On a really good first date, time is not the issue. You will feel the attraction throughout. You will feel your interest in them and their interest in you. Often you will touch each other without much calculation involved. 

Don't worry about the confusion (her getting lost on way to park) on the second date. If her interest couldn't survive being late, then her interest was shallow. There is nothing you did wrong. I once arrived at a  first date with zero money--zero!--because I lost my ATM card and I didn't have any cash on me,  not a dime.  Didn't matter. My date really liked me, believed me about losing my ATM card. She treated that night and actually insisted that I order a full meal of whatever I wanted. And yes, she made fun of me for finding a way to avoid paying on a first date.  And we started dating. 

Keep dating. 

 

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't worry about the confusion (her getting lost on way to park) on the second date. If her interest couldn't survive being late, then her interest was shallow. There is nothing you did wrong. I once arrived at a  first date with zero money--zero!--because I lost my ATM card and I didn't have any cash on me,  not a dime.  Didn't matter. My date really liked me, believed me about losing my ATM card. She treated that night and actually insisted that I order a full meal of whatever I wanted. And yes, she made fun of me for finding a way to avoid paying on a first date.  And we started dating. 

 

You're right.

If any little thing can derail interest, then you were barely hanging on by a thread in the first place.  OP I think you may have been projecting your interest on to her, again I say this only because I've done the same in the past.  I've had dates where the conversation was amazing, but that doesn't equal romantic chemistry. 

No one that's highly attracted to you is going to drop off of the grid for 4 days, because she's not going to want to risk losing you.  That's what attraction does, it puts us into scarcity because there is only one of you to go around.  So you have to match a person's actions with reality instead of what you want reality to be.

Edited May 11, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alvi]

16 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

No one that's highly attracted to you is going to drop off of the grid for 4 days, because she's not going to want to risk losing you.  

But if she is the only one who initiates every single one of their interactions, she may give up at some point. Attraction is a two way street. It is not going to survive for long if she is the only one who puts a 100%  of the effort. There is only so much enthusiasm that you can show. You might as well give up if you don't see it being reciprocated. Maybe she figured out that the OP is not that into her since he never initiated any texting or phone calls. And instead of simply asking her out again, he broke off with her. Who knows, maybe she is the one who thought that he ghosted her when she didn't hear anything from him for 4 whole days. And as they say, there is a plenty of fish out there. Who would she choose. A passive guy that she feels that she has to chase or the guy who is doing all the chasing himself? 

OP, you are asking what you could've done differently. Well, this is what. Next time when you like someone, act interested. Don't just sit back and expect the other person do all the work. I am not talking about a love bombing, but do initiate texting and phone calls first. Arrange a date. And by a date I mean arrange day, time and place.  Let the other person know that you are interested in pursuing things with her. Be proactive. There is no guarantees that the interest is going to be reciprocated, but hey, at least nobody is going to blame you for the lack of trying.

[Maldives]

On 5/10/2022 at 10:23 AM, MIAho said:

About a month ago, I met this woman through an online dating site and we seemed to hit off pretty well. We share the same career field and a lot of the same interests. For our first date, we met for a walk in the park and talked for about four hours. By the end of the date, she was already talking about seeing me again, we shared a nice kiss and she seemed really excited.

But when we talked the following week, she let me know that she wasn't available until the following weekend because she was going to a family event that weekend. We were supposed to meet the following Saturday but she ended up pushing it back again to Sunday after one her friends had an emergency. 

For our second date, she again insisted on meeting at a park, only this time one that was close to where I lived. (We live about 30 minutes away from each other) I chose a park that had a hiking trail that she had trouble getting to. First, she got stuck in traffic and then she ended up going to the wrong entrance. By the time we finally met, her energy and enthusiasm seemed a little off. 

As the date progressed, she started to become less talkative and more guarded, even walking ahead of me. Towards the end, we sat and talked for a bit and after I walked her to her car, we shared an awkward kiss and goodbye. After the date, I didn't hear from her and after about four days of no contact, I began to suspect that she was ghosting me. So I called her bluff and texted her to end it. She responded by wishing me well. 

I'm a little disappointed and confused with how things turned out with us. How could something that began with so much potential end the way it did? In my experience dating, first dates that have been like the one we had, always led to a long-term relationship. If we had done something else besides meet in a park, or she didn't get stuck in traffic or get lost, would we had gone out again? I still kind of feel like there was potential there. What went wrong? 

What could I have done differently? 

I think it was her being stuck in traffic then being confused where to meet you. She got frustrated and the vibe her vibe I should say disappeared for you, pretty fickle but that's dating in this day and age. It's changed quite a lot with online dating. People have options. It's like a candy store and they just move on to the next even for the smallest little thing.

Those first dates are all about impression and how you carry yourself. One little slip up could end it. For example myself. I went out on two dates with a girl recently. However, what turned me off was her deciding on the day to cancel the first date which was ok but then being so busy and eventually we had a second date and then that repeated and I just got fed up with it and just let it go

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Goodguy05