Pre-date behaviour - odd?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

For almost a month, I’ve been talking to a guy whom I met online. He is new to online dating, having mostly dated conventionally (mid 30s. Me, early 30s). We have our first meet-up in a few days.

The reason it’s taken this long for us to meet up is that I was abroad for 3 weeks and then I caught a big bug and couldn’t go out for a week. He’s been very patient and caring through it all and consistently displaying enthusiasm.

To thank him for his patience, for this upcoming first meet-up, I offered to travel 1.5 hours to his hometown to go out somewhere there so that it’d be easy for him. He was fine with that.

He initially invited me to dinner for this first meet-up and said he’d book a table somewhere. Then, when it came to deciding where to go, he suggested walking through this lovely big park and following it with dinner.

At this point I gently made him aware of the fact that I might not have time for both of these activities in one evening since I needed to make the long journey back home that night (our date is during the midweek after we both finish work). 

And here is where what I see as the strange part happened: he said, “ok let’s not do dinner then and just do drinks? I know I’d initially said dinner, but let’s just do drinks if we can’t be too late anyway?”

I responded that either food or drinks is fine with me, that I can stay for a couple of hours or so and that it’s up to him what he’d like to do, that either option is fine with me. He said, “ok let’s just do drinks then?”

I responded “sure”, but he could sense a little drop in enthusiasm from my side and he then said “well we could always do food if you’d prefer it”. But what was the point, he had already made his own preference clear, so I said it’s all good. So that’s now the plan. He finished off our convo with “you look so cute from your pics, can’t wait to meet you!” almost as if to detract from the slight awkwardness that came from this conversation, but unfortunately ofcourse that didn’t resolve it for me and I was left feeling a bit deflated.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this and I’d love to get views on it. But what I find a bit strange is that, this guy invited me to dinner upon me visiting his town, and then changed it to be ‘just drinks’, for no apparent reason? I don’t quite buy the excuse of ‘well the evening can’t drag out if you can only stay a few hours’; we could have food in exactly the same time it takes to sit down and have a few drinks.

Added to the fact that I’m travelling a very long way to meet him for the first time- I’m surprised that when he was asked which he’d prefer, dinner or drinks, he said ‘just drinks’ despite initially inviting me to dinner. 

Most first dates I’ve been on have only been coffee or drinks and in my opinion it’s the best way to do a first date before you know whether there’s chemistry or not. However, the reason I’m a little annoyed in this situation is that this guy did a 180 on his dinner invitation for no apparent reason which has made me confused and a little deflated. He also has meals out every day, sends me pictures of this and that restaurant he visits on almost a daily basis with friends and colleagues.

Thoughts?

Edited May 8, 2022 by babybrowns

[basil67]

The timing of this indicates cause and effect.  You stated that you had limited time, so my guess is that he changed the plans to accommodate your limited time.  Thing is drinks can be done and dusted in an hour if need be.   

 

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by basil67

[Ami1uwant]

Did you talk or text?

 

if you folks are 1.5 hrs one way on train I’d suggest a weekend meet up fir lunch fir flexibility and not so much having to look apt a clock.

[smackie9]

He's no mind reader, but had a sense of something went wrong and didn't know what the hell just happened.

Communicate better...could have said a walk in the park sounds lovely, but will have to do that another time, because your time is limited. You look forward to having dinner with him.

Either that of he was expecting you to stay the night and now he's feeling deflated that that's not going to happen.

Edited May 8, 2022 by smackie9

[spiritedaway2003]

Same feedback am Ami.  Is it possible to change it to a weekend for a lunch stroll and date so that you're not so pressed for time? 

I think he only changed it to drinks because you mentioned you don't have time.  I can also see your point that drinks OR dinner will take almost the same amount of time, depending on how long you choose to stay there.  Either a coffee date or a lunch/dinner date is generally preferred for a first date, but in this case, I think he was trying to accommodate your feedback.

[Alpacalia]

I'm not seeing an issue.

He knows that you have a limited amount of time and is trying to keep that in mind.

Drinks is much shorter than a full sit down dinner.

Is there an issue with drinks and a stroll in the park for you?

How would you prefer to spend your time with him?

Edited May 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know why you have constructed layers of complications and are now searching for subtextual meanings in communications with someone you've never even met.

First of all, he didn't need a special reward or thank-you because he acted nice about you traveling and then getting sick.  It was a month.  All you needed to do was to plan a meetup when you were available at the end of a month.   A meetup where you could have decided on a halfway point rather than you having to go to his town 1.5 hours away.   But, you said you'd go there, but then said you can't do his plan BECAUSE you are going there and you will be short on time ... and now you are ruminating about that.  It would make sense if he is getting the idea that you're a little flakey.

This all sounds so meaninglessly complex.   It's an OLD contact that may or may not have real potential.  

In any case, since that's the way you played it,  I encourage you to just stop with the analytics and meet him, if you both still want to. 

You need to try to keep it simple.  

Edited May 8, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

If you would have preferred to have dinner rather than drinks you should have said so.  I agree that with little time drinks would be better.  I too am curious why you would choose to have the middle of week date rather than waiting to do it on the weekend when you'd have more time.  I don't see where he did anything wrong.

[Weezy1973]

Way too much emotional energy being spent here. You may not even like this guy after meeting. Honestly what difference  does drinks vs. dinner make at this point?

Edited May 8, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Versacehottie]

thoughts?  First, you are spiraling...Second...you seem to be determined to find useless and damaging meaning while nitpicking a potential relationship to death. You should see his RESPONSE to your claim that you only have limited time as his effort to be flexible and remain enthusiastic.  Lastly, perhaps he's slightly jaded from dating experiences (similar to you) where you telling him now that the date is set that your time is limited so he's being cautious thinking you will flake or he proposed too much with dinners. 

You should go and keep your expectations relatively low since you are just meeting each other for the first time. If you only have 2 hours to spare, then that's it (started by you). Drinks "could" be faster or they can take the same amount of time.  They are easier to time I would say.  The MAIN point is spending time with each other and seeing if there's chemistry--out of the choices proposed, IMO, they are all good for that and nothing is weird on his end. Just go and be your best self rather than suspicioius

 

[chillii]

He offered an alternative bc you wouldn't have much time, all done. Then he changed the subject and gave you a compliment. Dunno wth your looking for would you rather it all just kept going round in circles for a few more hrs.

Edited May 9, 2022 by chillii

[glows]

I think this could have been cleared up in an instant if you were just honest and said, "No, I'd be hungry. Let's eat." You're coming from out of town to meet with him as well so why weren't you more honest about what you prefer or whether you'd be hungry or prefer eating?

Meet with him anyway for drinks and order something at the bar also. Don't go hungry over a date. Pay for your own food if you need to. 

He seems ok but see how it goes. He was trying to accommodate you.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

For almost a month, I’ve been talking to a guy whom I met online. 

, I offered to travel 1.5 hours to his hometown to go out somewhere 

So many red flags. First the distance. Then the chitchatting but not meeting.

Tell him it's been nice talking but you're not a match.

This isn't viable if going on a date involves a 3 hour drive. So after a date, you stay at his place or schlep home for 1.5 hrs?

 

[chillii]

 

Assume they've talked about what ifs , been talking awhile, maybe someones moving soon or something.

Edited May 9, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Most first dates I’ve been on have only been coffee or drinks and in my opinion it’s the best way to do a first date before you know whether there’s chemistry or not. 

What dating apps are you using? Try to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Be sure to set your distance criteria to appropriate settings.

That means within a distance that you can meet up briefly asap. Also within a distance that facilitates regular dating and getting to know each other in person.

Texting is not dating. Move on from this since the logistics make no sense to you.

[glows]

The OP has written very clearly her intention is to go home in her first post. Plan B is not necessary with attention to detail.

The logistics are also relative to each person. What one person might find not doable is something someone else might be open to depending on their circumstances. 

[poppyfields]

BB, something sounds terribly off about this. 

Since you made it clear you will be driving 1.5 hours back home that night, it's odd he would suggest drinks with no food. 

Giving him benefit of doubt, perhaps he thought it best given your limited time but driving home under those circumstances is just plain dumb!

You could have an accident or get pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, it doesn't take much alcohol for that to happen and no one should be drinking and driving, again just plain dumb. .

I think you should cancel altogether.

I would, none of this would be sitting well with me and would wonder if he's hoping to get me drunk and stay at his. 

In the future, suggest meeting at a half way point for first meeting - 45 minutes each way for both of you, maybe for lunch or something on the weekend.

That makes more sense than you driving 1.5 hours to his, drinking alcohol and driving home. 

Recipe for potential disaster imo in more ways than one. 

 

Edited May 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[chillii]

Yeah thought the same but l'd imagine it wouldn't be alcoholic. it is a big drive at night though op nonetheless and l am surprised he's just letting you do it.

[poppyfields]

At that hour, I have no doubt it would be alcoholic, when someone suggests having "drinks," that's typically what they're referring to.

That said, BB you could go and order non-alcoholic but nevertheless, it still sounds off to me including him agreeing to YOU making the long drive to and from. 

That's 3 hours, and on a weeknight? 

I'm not a princess, but no gentleman I know would ever agree to that for a first meet, typically it's the other way around. 

Like I said, something sounds off about it, to me. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

One drink and a burger at a bar doesn't sound unmanageable to me. The OP would be able to clarify. Not everyone prefers to drink more than one and she may have something non-alcoholic. 

It may be that this falls through either way based on the vibes she's getting from him or deciding to change her mind. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, glows said:

One drink and a burger at a bar doesn't sound unmanageable to me.

Agree that sounds quite manageable and fun!

However HE took food off the table and suggested drinks only.  That's what sounds off to me given BB's long drive back.  

1 minute ago, glows said:

It may be that this falls through either way based on the vibes she's getting from him or deciding to change her mind. 

100% agree. 

[chillii]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

One drink and a burger at a bar doesn't sound unmanageable to me.

Exactly , any food drink stuff is easy fixed and easily in the one spot to. But yeah given all the fuss, probably not.

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I responded that either food or drinks is fine with me, that I can stay for a couple of hours or so and that it’s up to him what he’d like to do, that either option is fine with me. He said, “ok let’s just do drinks then?”

You put a time limit on things, so he offered the shorter option.  Next time, don't tell someone else to choose if you won't be happy with the choice they make.

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

To thank him for his patience, for this upcoming first meet-up, I offered to travel 1.5 hours to his hometown to go out somewhere there so that it’d be easy for him. He was fine with that.

Not sure why you did this, when it's clear from your post here and in other threads that you want the guy to be the primary initiator/engine.  That said, if you are going to offer to travel 1.5 hours for a date, then it should be a genuine offer, not attached to a particular outcome or with strings.

BB, a common thread in your posts is that you you do a lot of manipulating and testing.  This whole interaction seems like a test...  one that this guy has failed by your measure.  To be clear, I am not saying it's reasonable to drive 1 1/2 hours just for drinks, but it is equally or more unreasonable to offer to do so and then be unhappy when someone takes you up on that offer.

[Kamille]

I agree with @glows. This could all be resolved quickly by you being upfront about what you want.

 

Why didn't you say you would rather grab a bite when he suggested drinks but said it could be food if you preferred? Learn to state your preferences. It will take you a long way in finding a fulfilling relationship. 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

this guy invited me to dinner upon me visiting his town, and then changed it to be ‘just drinks’, for no apparent reason?

Don't go. For many reasons. You're not comfortable. The distance is too far. You are driving to him and so you think that the bait and switch to "just drinks" means he expects you to stay over? If you think he's worthwhile, why not ask him to visit you this weekend? What's the rush all of a sudden?