Am I justified in my feelings?

[runner1981]

Hi everyone,

New poster here.  Something has been bothering me all day and I needed a place to vent and potentially get some advice/opinions on the situation.

My husband and I have had the same best friend for almost 21 years.  My husband and I first met her when we all used to work together and became instant besties with her.  She's an older woman (65) and I'm 40 and my husband is 50, so she's a good bit older than us, but we've always gotten along amazingly well.  She has been like family to us for the past two decades and vice versa.  We've always been there for each other.  At the moment, my husband is seriously ill.  He has been in the hospital for the past month dealing with a very serious infection in his foot and sepsis.  He may lose the foot.  It has been a terrifying and stressful situation to say the least.  Obviously, my husband is currently not able to work since he is in the hospital and we are waiting for his short-term disability to kick in, which there have been some delays with and it's extremely frustrating.  We're hoping it will all be straightened out this coming week.  Anyhow, I have been having to work A LOT of extra hours to try and make up for my husband's lack of income at the moment.  I am self-employed and work from home.  We have taken a huge hit financially with my husband's illness and him not bringing in a paycheck right now.   He has burned through all of his sick time and is on FMLA now.

Last night, our friend came over to have coffee with me since I've been home alone this whole time my husband has been in the hospital.  Out of nowhere, she started talking about how she has all this money now since her mother passed away last summer and left her with all of the money that was in her bank account, plus her life insurance, and then she went on to tell me how she had sold some of her stocks and was basically "loaded."  She even went as far as to pull up her bank account on her phone to show me and, sure enough, she had about $150k in her account.  She then said, "Oh, and when you have as much money as I do, you get all of these increases in your credit card limits and Discover just upped me to $25k and my bank offered me a $50k limit on a card with them."  I have no idea why she was telling me all of this, but it was VERY obvious that she was gloating.   She just kept saying, "I have A LOT of money now."  

Fast forward to today, I was going over all of our bills and trying to figure out how to pay all of them.  I took care of our mortgage and car payment as well as our electric and cell phone bills and bought groceries with my most recent paycheck; however, I still needed to pay our internet bill/cable bill, which was only $116 and has to be paid by tomorrow so that our service is not cut off, which would mean that I would be unable to work and earn a living, but we are STRAPPED right now.  We literally only have about $50 left in our bank account after paying all of the other bills with my paycheck.  We've NEVER been in this situation before and have NEVER needed to ask for help.  Our friend obviously knows the situation we're currently dealing with.  I absolutely LOATHE asking for help financially.  I am a very prideful person and It's just not something that I do, but it was either ask for help or have our internet cut off and not be able to work.  After all, she did tell me last night before she left to let her know if I needed anything, so I swallowed my pride and texted her.  I asked if there was any way possible she could spot me $116 to pay this bill and that I would pay her back in 2 weeks.  I was fully expecting her to say, "No problem!" after she had flaunted her big, fat bank account in my face not even 24 hours earlier.  Her actual response?  "Sorry, but I'm kind of stretched thin this week."  I was NOT expecting that AT ALL.  My husband and I have helped her MANY times over the years before she had all of this money when she was going through rough times, especially during her divorce and when her sister passed away (whom she lived with and was the primary bill payer), resulting in her house being foreclosed on, so I thought she would have no issue spotting me this small amount until I could pay her back in a couple of weeks.  We even made her car payment for her once and did not ask to be paid back!   Obviously, I know that she is not obligated or required to help us and our bills are not her responsibility, but after she went on for a good 30 minutes last night bragging about how much money she has and how high her credit card limits were, my feelings are hurt and I feel like this was a huge slap in the face.  If the tables were turned and SHE needed a little bit of help, we would have helped her in a heartbeat, just like we have in the past!  She knows that I can't work without internet and she knows how much stress I'm under trying to keep my husband and I afloat on my income alone while he is out of work and dealing with this very serious illness.  How in the world could she possibly be "spread thin" when she just showed me her fat bank account not even 24 hours earlier???

I'm now sitting here not really knowing what to think.  Again, I KNOW that it's not her responsibility or obligation to loan us anything, but we are supposed to be best friends.  Best friends help each other during times of need.  We've been best friends for over 20 years and we have helped her countless times.  Am I justified in feeling hurt by her response?  First, she starts bragging about all of her money last night, right after I had finished telling her how much we are struggling at the moment, and then I ask if she could just spot me enough to pay this one bill until I get paid again on the 20th and would Zelle her the money and she turns me away.  It took A LOT for me to ask her.  Frankly, it's embarrassing and shameful and I put off asking for hours while I desperately tried to figure something else out so that I wouldn't have to ask her, but I came up with nothing.  It took every ounce of my being to send her that text asking for help.   Yes, I am a little bit pissed off, but I'm more hurt than anything else.  Is this how you treat your so-called best friend???

Should I tell her how I'm feeling?  Should I just let it slide?  I'm just so shocked that my best friend of 21 years turned her back on me the one time I need a just a tiny bit of help and I KNOW she is more than capable of helping.  Thoughts?  Advice?  

Oh, and I ended up having to ask my elderly parents for help, who were the LAST ones I wanted to ask because they are on a fixed income, but they insisted on paying it and I will pay them back on my next payday. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by runner1981

[glows]

I wouldn't say anything as it would be lost words and wasted breath. You may not know her full situation and she's not telling you everything about her side of things. If you're asking if you're justified in your feelings, I would think so but there are other more pressing issues to work on.

Things are tough right now with your husband in hospital and sick so take a breather and take some time to yourself also. You may not want to see that friend for awhile while you sort out your thoughts and get things back on track financially. Let yourself cool off for awhile and process this. 

Save your energy for work and keeping things in order for the time being. Try to come up with a budget in advance over the next few months and save as much as you can towards bills and emergencies. Look at ways to also reduce what you're paying such as your cellphone bill or your husband's cellphone bill. Are you with the same phone provider? Call and ask if you can get a family plan or if there's a better deal available. Stay focused on managing your bills and finances. Don't worry about this so-called friend. 

I'm sure your parents are understanding of the situation and know that you will pay them back soon.

Edited May 8, 2022 by glows

[runner1981]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

I wouldn't say anything as it would be lost words and wasted breath. You may not know her full situation and she's not telling you everything about her side of things. If you're asking if you're justified in your feelings, I would think so but there are other more pressing issues to work on.

Things are tough right now with your husband in hospital and sick so take a breather and take some time to yourself also. You may not want to see that friend for awhile while you sort out your thoughts and get things back on track financially. Let yourself cool off for awhile and process this. 

Save your energy for work and keeping things in order for the time being. Try to come up with a budget in advance over the next few months and save as much as you can towards bills and emergencies. Look at ways to also reduce what you're paying such as your cellphone bill or your husband's cellphone bill. Are you with the same phone provider? Call and ask if you can get a family plan or if there's a better deal available. Stay focused on managing your bills and finances. Don't worry about this so-called friend. 

I'm sure your parents are understanding of the situation and know that you will pay them back soon.

I definitely don't even want to speak with her right now.  I feel very slighted and insulted, especially after all we've done for her and after having to listen to her 25-30-minute brag fest about all of her new found wealth last night.  It almost felt like she was rubbing my face in it and I have NO idea why.  

We already have a family plan for our cell phones and pay a VERY low rate with T-Mobile.  We have my parents on our plan and only pay $110 per month for 4 lines with unlimited everything, so it won't get any cheaper than that.   My husband is expected to be home this coming week with home health to change his foot bandages and for wound care 3 times a week.  Then, he will need to see the surgeon again for the next stage in his treatment.  He has a 50% chance of being able to keep his foot.  The surgeon is going to try his best to reconstruct it once the infection has fully cleared.   He also works from home, so he will be able to return to work when he gets home since he has a sedentary desk job, so that will be a big relief.

Yes, my parents were very understanding, but I HATE having to ask them for anything, especially money, but I really had no other choice this time.  I have to keep the internet on so I can keep working and earning a living and so my husband can work when he gets home next week!  I asked my "friend" first because I knew that she was more than in a position to be able to help me with something so small, but she completely turned her back on me for some unknown reason, and I don't know why.  Perhaps there is more to the story than she has shared with me.  It makes no sense.  She practically shoved her bank account in my face last night when she pulled it up on her phone for me to see.  Who even does that?!  I found it VERY tacky and in poor taste.   Who even knows what's going on with her?  I DO know that she is having  very difficult time with her oldest son, who has just started using drugs again with his girlfriend after being clean and sober for many years, and then her grandson (her oldest son's son) is withdrawing from drugs since he also got hooked.  She also lives with her stepfather and he is having a significant number of physical issues and is falling quite a bit lately, so I know that she is going through a lot as well at the moment.  I just thought that she would be more than ready and happy to help me in this situation since what I needed was peanuts compared to the amount of money that she now has.  Oh well.  I'm too upset and hurt to even speak to her right now.  

Edited May 8, 2022 by runner1981

[glows]

5 minutes ago, runner1981 said:

she completely turned her back on me for some unknown reason, and I don't know why.  Perhaps there is more to the story than she has shared with me.  It makes no sense.  She practically shoved her bank account in my face last night when she pulled it up on her phone for me to see.  Who even does that?!  I found it VERY tacky and in poor taste. 

I'm skeptical about the money. She doesn't owe you and the plus side from now on is that you don't owe her anything. It's too draining thinking about why she didn't help you out. Try not to dwell too much on this. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by glows

[runner1981]

I'm definitely a bit skeptical as well now that this has happened.   I'm honestly wondering if she was showing me her stepfather and late mother's bank account.  She claims that her stepfather signed everything over to her after her mother passed away last year, including his bank account, and that all of their money is now hers.  I know that he is 85 years old and is having a great deal of issues, including some problems with his memory and problems with alcohol as of late, but why in the world would he just "sign everything over?"  I didn't see the name of the bank account, so I have no way to know if it was actually her account or not, and I guess it doesn't matter.  I'd hate to think that she would lie to me about her financial situation for absolutely no reason, because I really don't care!  I just wish she could be honest with me.  If she really doesn't have the money, then that's totally fine with me and I would understand why she couldn't help me out!  It was just the excessive bragging that I had to listen to last night about the whole thing that really set me off when she said she couldn't help me.  Oh well.  C'est le vie.

[glows]

21 minutes ago, runner1981 said:

 I just wish she could be honest with me.  If she really doesn't have the money, then that's totally fine with me and I would understand why she couldn't help me out!  It was just the excessive bragging that I had to listen to last night about the whole thing that really set me off when she said she couldn't help me.  

As you say there are other issues going on with her. Maybe in brief excitement she embellished and fantasized quite a bit to escape her reality.

I'm wishing your husband a speedy healing, that he gets to keep his foot and that things get back on track soon. The idea of possibly losing a limb, I cannot imagine what you both are going through and the intense stress. It's good that regardless of what happens he can work from home without moving too much.

[runner1981]

Thank you!!  Yes, it is extremely stressful.  He is a diabetic and is dealing with a VERY nasty foot wound that has gotten extremely bad.  His mother lost her leg the exact same way when she was right around his age and was in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, so we are very scared that the same thing will happen to him.  If he does lose his foot, we may potentially have to sell our home, which is a tri-level, and try to find a single story ranch home that will be easier for him to get around in.  The thought of that is another huge stressor.  I am extremely grateful that he also works from home so that her can get right back to work and start earning a living again as soon as he gets home.  We just don't know how he will be able to get around since our home has so many stairs and he has very strict orders not to put any weight on that foot.  I guess we just have to take one day at a time and take it step by step and potentially move his office down to the first level of our house since there is a bathroom right there!

[glows]

Do you think moving his office down to the first level either way would help? Maybe selling and moving to a rancher is something to work towards regardless of what happens if it helps with overall mobility. He's lucky to have you.

[runner1981]

We were talking about it earlier and we decided that we will probably need to move his office down to the first level since there are no steps to get in and out of the house and there is a bathroom with a shower on the main level that he can use.   It's technically considered a mud room, since it's where you first walk in when you enter the house on the main level and it has access to the garage and basement, but it's a very large room that can accommodate his desk and we would put his recliner down there that he can sleep in.  There's definitely a lot that needs to be figured out!   The real estate market is so insane here and there are almost no homes for sale and prices are sky high, so buying something new may be tough right now!  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Focus on getting whatever benefits you can including social security disability, unemployment and social services help with Medicaid, food stamps and help with bills and living costs.

Enlist the help of an accountant and financial planner to trim down some unnecessary expenses. 

For example retrofitting your home for handicap accessibility may be tax deductible or even covered by Medicare/Medicaid.

Stop hanging out with this friend. Focus on finding resources that accommodates your situation, prepares for future expenses and improves your and your husband's quality of life. This isn't the time for catfights with friends.

Edited May 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[vla1120]

It sounds like she now has access to her step-father's accounts, and maybe that is what she was showing you. Either way, it was in poor taste to flaunt that in front of you, talking about how much money she has, and then refuse to help you.  I'm sorry you are hurt. Just know it's not a reflection on you. Give yourself some time. Your silence will be heard loud and clear. Maybe down the road, you'll be able to salvage the relationship. Since you have been friends for over 2 decades, when you are ready and willing to have the conversation, I would have no problem pointing out to her that she flaunted her (supposed) newfound wealth and, knowing how many times you've helped her in the past, you thought perhaps she would be able to help you this one time with the promise of being paid back, and her response hurt you to the core. 

It was nice of your parents to help, so just try to concentrate on the positive and preparing for your husband to come home. Also, I hope you never find yourself in that situation again, but if so, maybe you can call to your internet provider and explain that your service is critical to your livelihood, and they will be willing to make a payment arrangement with you. The same goes for electricity, gas, etc. In some cases, they cannot interrupt service if you are caring for an ill family member at home (for electric and heat, etc.)

Take care.

[runner1981]

4 hours ago, vla1120 said:

It sounds like she now has access to her step-father's accounts, and maybe that is what she was showing you. Either way, it was in poor taste to flaunt that in front of you, talking about how much money she has, and then refuse to help you.  I'm sorry you are hurt. Just know it's not a reflection on you. Give yourself some time. Your silence will be heard loud and clear. Maybe down the road, you'll be able to salvage the relationship. Since you have been friends for over 2 decades, when you are ready and willing to have the conversation, I would have no problem pointing out to her that she flaunted her (supposed) newfound wealth and, knowing how many times you've helped her in the past, you thought perhaps she would be able to help you this one time with the promise of being paid back, and her response hurt you to the core. 

It was nice of your parents to help, so just try to concentrate on the positive and preparing for your husband to come home. Also, I hope you never find yourself in that situation again, but if so, maybe you can call to your internet provider and explain that your service is critical to your livelihood, and they will be willing to make a payment arrangement with you. The same goes for electricity, gas, etc. In some cases, they cannot interrupt service if you are caring for an ill family member at home (for electric and heat, etc.)

Take care.

Unfortunately, just based on even my income alone, we won't qualify for any sort of assistance, and my husband will be returning to work by the middle of this coming week, so this is just a temporary bump in the road for us.   We really don't need assistance.  

Our internet/cable company doesn't allow for payment arrangements, sadly.  Believe me when I say that was the very first thing I tried, but they just wouldn't do it.  They claimed that they don't give extensions.  I even asked for a supervisor and was told the same thing, despite me explaining the situation and informing them that I really only needed an extra 7-10 days to be able to pay it, but that was a no go.

I fully agree that our "friend" now has access to her stepfather's bank account.  I even know what bank he uses because she has told me several times.  She lives with him and is in charge of paying the bills since he hasn't been doing too well lately.  She started taking over the bill paying when her mother first started having health issues and could no longer do it herself, so, yes, I DO know for a fact that she has had access to their bank account for the past 2-3 years, and the bank that they use was the bank she pulled up on her phone.  That's not even the bank she uses.   I have no idea why she would feel compelled to lie to my husband and I about this being HER money and that her stepfather "gave it ALL to her" after her mother died.   My husband said she told him the same story.   I guess some people have such low self-esteem or are so unhappy in their lives that they need to fabricate lies to make them feel better about themselves.   Frankly, I think it's sick.  My husband and I couldn't care less how much money she has.   The fact that she so quickly turned her back on me when I asked for the tiniest bit of help is a clear indicator to me that this isn't actually her money to spend and that she ONLY has access to it for the sake of paying the mortgage and other household bills.   She has lived with her mother and stepfather for the past 6-7 years because she couldn't afford to live on her own.

Edited May 8, 2022 by runner1981

[deepthinking]

When ages differ. the older presumes to be the controller.  True story. There is no other reward for that odd friend, living on the edge of a happy couple's life,. I would even question how her other relationships are. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by deepthinking

[runner1981]

1 minute ago, deepthinking said:

When ages differ. the older presumes to be the controller.True story. There is no other reward for that odd friend. Watch out!  I would even question how her other relationships are. 

I have definitely noticed that with her, especially lately!  She actually has sons who are around the same age as me.  I think her younger son is actually the exact same age as me and we're only about a month apart in age.  Ever since I turned 40 last year, she has been CONSTANTLY reminding me that I'm "getting older" and that I am going to start "needing help" with a lot of things.  My husband and I have 4 Golden Retrievers and she told me that I should seriously consider hiring a dog walker because it's going to be "too much" for me.  What?!?!?  Okay, I may be 40 now, but I am FAR from old and I am a VERY active person.  I'm an avid runner and have been an athlete since I was a kid and walking my dogs is one of the things that I look forward to almost every day, so I have no idea where she is getting this from!  She also has told me several times that when we buy a new home, it should have fewer stairs because, again, "I'm getting older" and that my husband and I should be thinking of "aging in place."  Sometimes, I would just LOVE to remind her that she is 25 years older than me and 15 years older than my husband!   She is CONSTANTLY making remarks about my age since I turned 40 and I just don't get it.

[SingFish]

16 hours ago, runner1981 said:

Should I tell her how I'm feeling?  Should I just let it slide?  I'm just so shocked that my best friend of 21 years turned her back on me the one time I need a just a tiny bit of help and I KNOW she is more than capable of helping.  Thoughts?  Advice?  

She's clearly not your friend or not available to be a friend for whatever reason. Take a deep breath and create some distance, you have enough to contend with right now. Hope your husband makes a good recovery. 

[runner1981]

3 hours ago, SingFish said:

She's clearly not your friend or not available to be a friend for whatever reason. Take a deep breath and create some distance, you have enough to contend with right now. Hope your husband makes a good recovery. 

Yes, she definitely proved to me that she is not a real friend.  Real friends are there for each other during times of need and they also don't flaunt money in your face and then immediately after refuse to help you when you're in a bind.  I'm quite pissed. 

My husband and I have probably spent THOUSANDS on her over the past 21 years.  Whenever we go out for dinner and/or drinks, we almost ALWAYS pay for her and she never pays us back.  In fact, it actually got to a point where she seemed to just expect us to pay for her and doesn't even flinch when the tab comes and it gets handed right to my husband.  Very, very rarely does she ever contribute to the bill at restaurants, and we have never once asked her to pay us back. 

She is single and my husband and I make more money than her, so we really never thought much about it.  I also personally found her find a nice rental home that a friend of mine had available when her home was foreclosed on back in 2014 after her sister died of lung cancer in 2012 and she could no longer afford the upkeep or the payments since she had been laid off from her job at [ ] and was having great difficulty finding a new job. 

We helped her pay the security deposit when she was short on cash and paid her water bill and car payment because she was in such a rut.  We also bought her some groceries.  Has she suddenly forgotten all of these things???   My goodness, I only needed $116 to pay this internet/cable bill and I would have immediately sent it right back to her with Zelle or Venmo on my next payday. 

If she lied to me about all of this money being hers, I am very hurt and pissed.  If the money really is hers and she turned her back on me when I needed this very small bit of help, I'm also very pissed and hurt.  I'm hoping my silence will speak volumes to her.  I didn't respond after she told me she was "spread thin this week" and couldn't help and haven't said a word to her since, nor has she said anything to me since.

Edited May 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs/personal information about third party

[WhereToStart]

36 minutes ago, runner1981 said:

Yes, she definitely proved to me that she is not a real friend.  

It sucks to find out this way, doesn't it? Because a friend would have at least explained a little more, at least tried, at least said something.if she lied about her finances, maybe she is too ashamed to tell the truth now, that's the only explanation that makes sense, however if that is the case, and she bragged to you about having money while you are struggling with no money, then that's pathological! 

 

[runner1981]

15 minutes ago, WhereToStart said:

It sucks to find out this way, doesn't it? Because a friend would have at least explained a little more, at least tried, at least said something.if she lied about her finances, maybe she is too ashamed to tell the truth now, that's the only explanation that makes sense, however if that is the case, and she bragged to you about having money while you are struggling with no money, then that's pathological! 

 

Exactly.  She literally started her brag fest not even 30 seconds after I had finished telling her about our situation.  Her exact words were, "Well, I have a lot of money now!  It's really more money than I'll ever need and because I have all of this money, I keep getting increases in all of my credit card limits!"  That's when she pulled out her phone and said, "I don't normally show people this, but look" and showed me the bank account.  

I found that to be VERY trashy and classless of her.  She has had money issues the ENTIRE 20+ years we have known her.  She NEVER had money.  Her kids are all world class drug addicts who have never been able hold down steady jobs and they are always siphoning money from her.  Her ex-husband was also a jobless alcoholic who had multiple DUIs, so he never had a steady income either.  Her 2 brothers (who both passed away in 2020) were both heroin addicts and also mooched off her.   She had to have her mother co-sign for her last car loan because her credit was so poor.   We always helped her whenever she needed it, so she is in NO position to be flaunting anything! 

What she did speaks volumes about her true character.  However, I still firmly believe that it's not actually her money and she was just logging into her stepfather's bank account to show me.  Why?  I have NO idea.  I believe the total balance was around the ballpark of $150k.  She claimed that $41k of it was from her mother's life insurance policy, her selling her stocks, and the rest she had just "saved," which I have a very hard time believing.  She works a call center job makes less money than my husband and I do!  Even we can't save that much!   

I think I may have inadvertently backed her into a corner when I asked her for help last night.  She didn't know what to say and she definitely didn't want to admit that she had lied about all that money being hers, so she just said, "Sorry, I'm stretched thin this week.  I've already had to loan money to my family."  I so badly wanted to say, "Dude, you just showed me your bank account last night and that is FAR from stretched thin!"  But, I kept my mouth shut and didn't even respond.  

This is definitely not the type of person I want to be associated with.  I'm so turned off and disgusted by her behavior.

Edited May 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[SingFish]

How is your husband @runner1981?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, runner1981 said:

 I only needed $116 to pay this internet/cable bill and I would have immediately sent it right back to her.

Don't ask friends for loans or financial help.  Instead manage finances better cut back on luxuries and unnessary costs. Take out a loan or use a credit card. People are wise not to lend friends money. It sets up a bad precedent.

[stillafool]

I can understand your disappointment in this friend after bragging about her new wealth but giving this small loan.  The only thing that's good about it is you can now close the door on any more favors asked from her.

[SingFish]

Wow your friend does have a lot of grief in her life @runner1981

How is your husband doing? What does he think about your friend?

[Alpacalia]

Your closest friend has been by your side for 21 years. 

There are some situations in life when showing grace as a result of people not following through in the way we want can be difficult.

What prevents you from telling the woman how hurt you have been by the actions she has taken?

[Acacia98]

On 5/9/2022 at 1:15 AM, runner1981 said:

She has had money issues the ENTIRE 20+ years we have known her.  She NEVER had money.  Her kids are all world class drug addicts who have never been able hold down steady jobs and they are always siphoning money from her.  Her ex-husband was also a jobless alcoholic who had multiple DUIs, so he never had a steady income either.  Her 2 brothers (who both passed away in 2020) were both heroin addicts and also mooched off her.   She had to have her mother co-sign for her last car loan because her credit was so poor.   We always helped her whenever she needed it, so she is in NO position to be flaunting anything! 

When you guys were helping her, is it possible that you were enabling her to enable her relatives?

On 5/9/2022 at 12:21 AM, runner1981 said:

My husband and I have probably spent THOUSANDS on her over the past 21 years.  Whenever we go out for dinner and/or drinks, we almost ALWAYS pay for her and she never pays us back.  In fact, it actually got to a point where she seemed to just expect us to pay for her and doesn't even flinch when the tab comes and it gets handed right to my husband.  Very, very rarely does she ever contribute to the bill at restaurants, and we have never once asked her to pay us back. 

(...)

We helped her pay the security deposit when she was short on cash and paid her water bill and car payment because she was in such a rut.  We also bought her some groceries.  Has she suddenly forgotten all of these things???

Based on what you're writing here, I can't help wondering if she has always been a not-so-great friend but you just didn't recognize the signs for what they were. In friendships and relationships, you really don't know how much someone cares about you until you're helpless and looking to them for assistance. As long as you're in a good place and you're giving them money and paying their bills, you can't be sure you know the real them. Perhaps they appreciate your money and are keeping you around to help them. Maybe deep down inside, they actually resent you for your relative success. The truth only becomes apparent when you experience setbacks and tragedy.

[runner1981]

20 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

When you guys were helping her, is it possible that you were enabling her to enable her relatives?

Based on what you're writing here, I can't help wondering if she has always been a not-so-great friend but you just didn't recognize the signs for what they were. In friendships and relationships, you really don't know how much someone cares about you until you're helpless and looking to them for assistance. As long as you're in a good place and you're giving them money and paying their bills, you can't be sure you know the real them. Perhaps they appreciate your money and are keeping you around to help them. Maybe deep down inside, they actually resent you for your relative success. The truth only becomes apparent when you experience setbacks and tragedy.

My husband and I have actually talked about this before.  She does have a history of embellishing, but never to the extent that she did this past weekend about the money.  Shoving that bank account in my face was taking it to a whole new level. 

I still have a very difficult time believing that her stepfather just "signed everything over" to her and "gave her all of his money" as she claims.  She's not even his blood.  We've been able to tell when she's exaggerating in the past, but we've always just shrugged it off.  She has struggled with money the entire 21 years we've known her.  Until her sister passed away from lung cancer in 2012, she always lived with her because her sister made excellent money, so she paid all of the household bills. 

She has never been fully independent and has always had to rely on her family.  When her husband was still in the picture, he didn't even live with her full-time and would come and go as he pleased (it was a VERY strange situation - he was a backwoods drunk with no job and had a tiny cabin in the woods that he liked to stay in). 

Like I said, she had to move in with her parents back in 2015 because she simply couldn't afford to live on her own.  After her house was foreclosed on in 2014 (her sister actually owned it), I found her a very nice and VERY affordable rental house that belonged to an old friend of mine and they were looking for a new tenant, but she couldn't even afford that.  It was only $1000/month with several things included.  I wish our house payment was only $1000/month!!!!  I can't imagine being middle-aged and having to move in with your parents solely because you're incapable of managing your expenses.   It's not like she was moving in to be of help to them in their older age.  It was the other way around.   

Maybe she does kind of low-key resent my husband and I for always being financially independent and being able afford to live on our own without the help of family.  We're not wealthy by any means, obviously, but we've always had good jobs and do pretty well for ourselves.  I've been successfully self-employed with my own company since 2005 and my husband was a nurse for many years, but he's now an admin for a local medical practice.  Maybe the fact that we are so much younger than her (especially me by 25 years) bothers her and makes her feel less about herself, so she tries to compensate with these lies and exaggerations about her situation.

Edited May 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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