How to ask if a man has kids?

[Trail Blazer]

Q. How to ask a man if he has kids?

A. Do you have kids?

There, that's how.  It's a question that doesn't require three or more pages of dissection.

[Marka]

2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Q. How to ask a man if he has kids?

A. Do you have kids?

There, that's how.  It's a question that doesn't require three or more pages of dissection.

haha thank you. The question was more about appropriate timing 🙂 

[introverted1]

15 hours ago, salparadise said:

It has been said many times on these forums that having kids changes people in subtle and not so subtle ways, the main one being that it teaches tolerance and to be other focused... to grow out of the me-me-me, want-want-want mentality. It's as though a whole new mature dimension is layered onto a personality.

Perfectly stated.

I am super wary of men who've never had kids. But...  I am older, so the men I meet with kids have adult children, not kids who need to be brought to soccer games/sleep-overs, or who have complicated custody arrangements, or whose schedules would impact our dates. So I get why OP may not want to take that on.

OP, have you thought about using apps that specifically ask whether someone has kids?  Seems to me that some not only ask if people already have kids but also whether they'd like more in the future. 

I also think it is fine to directly ask.  Pretty sure the only men who will be put off by this are those with kids and you don't want to date them anyway.

[Marka]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, have you thought about using apps that specifically ask whether someone has kids?  Seems to me that some not only ask if people already have kids but also whether they'd like more in the future. 

 

I am using bumble and hinge. Both of them have these fields, but they can be skipped/hidden in the profile. Match/Eharmony are literally dead in London, not popular at all. I dont know any other app, where it is mandatory. I think nowadays it is only your age, location and pic are mandatory.

[Marka]

Now I was chatting with a guy for two days on hinge. He was talking about his family that he grew up in big family and has lots of siblings. I asked him if he has his own kids and he unmatched me. I guess he did. 🙃

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Marka said:

I am using bumble and hinge. Both of them have these fields, but they can be skipped/hidden in the profile. Match/Eharmony are literally dead in London, not popular at all. I dont know any other app, where it is mandatory. I think nowadays it is only your age, location and pic are mandatory.

I think it's fine to ask, then.  Maybe not in the first message but certainly in the first few messages.

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Marka said:

Now I was chatting with a guy for two days on hinge. He was talking about his family that he grew up in big family and has lots of siblings. I asked him if he has his own kids and he unmatched me. I guess he did. 🙃

Or he thinks you have kids, and that's why you asked.  Even if you've written this in your profile, he may well not have read it.  My experience is that men do not read the profile at al.  I have something in mine that would be a complete deal-breaker for someone who had a certain hobby and I've lost track of how many men haven't read it and are then surprised/embarrassed/annoyed when I repeat it.

[Marka]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Or he thinks you have kids, and that's why you asked.  Even if you've written this in your profile, he may well not have read it.  My experience is that men do not read the profile at al.  I have something in mine that would be a complete deal-breaker for someone who had a certain hobby and I've lost track of how many men haven't read it and are then surprised/embarrassed/annoyed when I repeat it.

or guy has kid but targets childless women who don't mind. Once this questions get asked he understand that they do mind, and unmatches to be the first one who does rejection. 😄😄 Basically there are lots of variants why people unmatch. But doesn't really matter, at least it is only couple of days and messages.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Marka said:

Now I was chatting with a guy for two days on hinge. He was talking about his family that he grew up in big family and has lots of siblings. I asked him if he has his own kids and he unmatched me. I guess he did. 🙃

Ok, perfect. This is how you save time and prevent burnout. You ask pertinent questions and if the answer is a deal breaker, you delete and move forward. it's all about preventing burnout (screening/filtering) on OLD.

[Marka]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You ask pertinent questions and if the answer is a deal breaker, you delete and move forward.

Yes, i wish people just put didn't skip this info in their profile. Would much prefer less matches and less chatting. But it is what it is.

[Ami1uwant]

55 minutes ago, Marka said:

Now I was chatting with a guy for two days on hinge. He was talking about his family that he grew up in big family and has lots of siblings. I asked him if he has his own kids and he unmatched me. I guess he did. 🙃

Yesterday I watched a tv show and  an incident made me think if that was how you handle it.

 

the first question I would ask is about marriage or living relationships, then comes do you want to get married and have kids, then the question comes if it hasn’t come out yet is if they have kids.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Marka said:

Would much prefer less matches and less chatting.

Less chatting is 100% in your control. You also can choose which matches you communicate with.

[Ami1uwant]

1 minute ago, Marka said:

Yes, i wish people just put didn't skip this info in their profile. Would much prefer less matches and less chatting. But it is what it is.

It’s usually (1) harder to explain on a screen and (2) if they are unfamiliar with it they may jump to conclusions and run.

 

it’s the same with medical conditions someone has one that does affect them in some ways but not in a significant way…like mental health controlled with taking meds.

[Marka]

4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s usually (1) harder to explain on a screen and (2) if they are unfamiliar with it they may jump to conclusions and run.

 

it’s the same with medical conditions someone has one that does affect them in some ways but not in a significant way…like mental health controlled with taking meds.

what is hard about saying: I have a kid? This is pretty much self explanatory. 

Hmm, health condition is tricky. This one i think it is okay to disclose on first or second date, not really fair to disclose after couple of months, especially is hereditary and there is a wish to procreate. Normally it impacts person more than they realise it.

[Marka]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You also can choose which matches you communicate with.

That's correct, but I need to know basic info about them to make informed choice. Chatting seems to be the only way to know. Just need to accept that fact it looks. Probably taking breaks will help to avoid burnout.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Marka said:

what is hard about saying: I have a kid? This is pretty much self explanatory. 

I agree and I also don't know what's wrong with putting "no kids" to stop wasting men's time either.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Marka said:

That's correct, but I need to know basic info about them to make informed choice. Chatting seems to be the only way to know. Just need to accept that fact it looks. Probably taking breaks will help to avoid burnout.

Yes, take breaks. Try to avoid frustration to the point where you're upset with the dating process and getting to know someone. These kinds of questions are completely ok and part of the process. 

[Marka]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree and I also don't know what's wrong with putting "no kids" to stop wasting men's time either.

I have that in my profile. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Marka said:

I have that in my profile. 

Oh I thought you didn't because of this statement:

On 5/8/2022 at 4:14 PM, Marka said:

Yes, thats what I also fear, That I will get childless guys turned off with this question asked early on. It sounds like the best bet is to ask further down the line even if it means spending more time on chatting. Would be nice if people just filled their profiles fully. 

 

[Marka]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh I thought you didn't because of this statement:

 

It says I dont have kids and looking for the same. Many men dont read profiles properly, concentrating on pictures only, which would be ok, as long as their profiles are filled properly. So I am not wasting deliberately anyone's time.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Marka

[Ami1uwant]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree and I also don't know what's wrong with putting "no kids" to stop wasting men's time either.

what exactly does no kids mean?

 

1 absolutely no kids 

—1a no kids and don’t want

—2b no kids but do want

2 I have kids but they are grown so I don’t really have much responsibility over them as 16+ yr olds, at college, left home?

3. I have no kids who I am responsible for other than child support 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That I will get childless guys turned off with this question asked early on.

 

3 minutes ago, Marka said:

So I am not wasting deliberately anyone's time.

I interpret the 1st above statement as you saying you don't put "I don't have kids and looking for the same" on your profile because you don't want to turn off childless guys.  So men with kids would naturally think you are open to dating them too.  Time waster. 

 I imagine there are women who are only choosing by men's pictures as well.  Looks seem to trump all.

[Marka]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I interpret the 1st above statement as you saying you don't put

the statement is about asking the question in the correspondence. It has nothing to do with info in the profile. I wrote in this topic before what info I have on my profile. Not sure if you read the whole topic. 

I though it might be too direct to write, Hi thanks for your like, do you have kids? Hence this topic. It is the same as height issue. Many short men omit this info, but even tall ones will not be happy with question: Hi, good to match with you, how tall you are? I know some men who say that would stop chatting if this question comes up as first or in the very beginning and those are over 6ft guys

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Marka said:

the statement is about asking the question in the correspondence. It has nothing to do with info in the profile. I wrote in this topic before what info I have on my profile. Not sure if you read the whole topic. 

I though it might be too direct to write, Hi thanks for your like, do you have kids? Hence this topic. It is the same as height issue. Many short men omit this info, but even tall ones will not be happy with question: Hi, good to match with you, how tall you are? I know some men who say that would stop chatting if this question comes up as first or in the very beginning and those are over 6ft guys

Yes, it's absolutely too direct.  Having a few conversations, questions about what he does on the weekend may give clues.  Or more direct, you could ask if he's got family around.  If it's just parents and siblings he'll mention them....or if there are kids, they will likely come up.

But honestly, all the screening in the world isn't going to get an honest answer from someone who's hiding part of their life in order to get a date.

 

[Alvi]

Actually, a guy messaged me on Tinder today and asked me about having kids. This is how it went:

Him: How are you?

Me: Blah, blah, blah. And you?

Him: Blah, blah, blah. Do you have kids?

Me: No, and you?

Him: No

See, how it is done? Don't be afraid to ask anything that is important to you or things that you consider to be a dealbreaker.  If a guy has a problem with your  questions , that means that the two of you are not a good match. Wish him well (or not) and keep looking for the next one.

15 hours ago, Marka said:

Now I was chatting with a guy for two days on hinge. He was talking about his family that he grew up in big family and has lots of siblings. I asked him if he has his own kids and he unmatched me. I guess he did. 🙃

He unmatched you because you asked him whether or not he has kids after two days of chatting? Seriously? Oh, good riddance. He could've unmatched you for many reasons, it just sounds silly to unmatch someone over this. But oh, well, keep moving.