Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 I am just wondering, why would someone omit the question regarding kids from their profile on apps like bumble or hinge? These apps are designed more for relationship search, and kids are rather an important point as they are significant part of parent's life.
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 4 hours ago, dramafreezone said: That said OP, there are always pros and cons to every approach. You will weed out a lot of guys with kids, but you may turn off some guys without kids that don't feel like a question like that is appropriate so early on. But that is a price you'd have to pay to avoid the guys with kids. There is no perfect filter question to get all of what you want and none of what you don't want. Yes, thats what I also fear, That I will get childless guys turned off with this question asked early on. It sounds like the best bet is to ask further down the line even if it means spending more time on chatting. Would be nice if people just filled their profiles fully.
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 7 minutes ago, Marka said: why would someone omit the question regarding kids from their profile on apps like bumble or hinge? What is your age group criteria? It doesn't matter what's in the profile. Within one/two messages simply ask "do you have kids"?
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Have some patience. Meet asap. Telling you about kids after 10 days of just cchatting is not that horrible. You didn't even have to leave the house for a cup of coffee. What you don't want is single dads so be crystal clear on that. What age group are you looking at? It's fine to ask about children sooner rather than later. So if you want more efficient dating, simply ask within a couple messages. It is not horrible of course. Just not really great, when a guy saw that line in my profile that I am childless and looking for the same, and still messaged me and kept messaging for over a week, before disclosing. Some other guys mentioned in first message, saying that smth like you have a great profile, I noticed that you are not interested in a man with kids, I have one son, who doesnt live with me, will it be okay? At least this category is open and clear from the beginning, which makes life easier for us both as we can move on quicker. I am looking at age group 30-40. I am in London in UK, so it is mixed bag in terms on kids. I think around half of guys on apps in this age category with kids. I just want to identify it earlier on as the dating pool is huge and it takes lots of time to wade through all matches.
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 5 minutes ago, Marka said: I am looking at age group 30-40. I am in London in UK, so it is mixed bag in terms on kids. I think around half of guys on apps in this age category with kids. Yes, in that age group many will have children. Have you tried quality paid apps? It sounds like you are on too many sites, specifically free sites so you are inundated. Paid apps may offer better screening and searching criteria. As well as more serious people. Tinder is a garbage hookup site, people look at pics not profiles. So you can ask within the first messages or try higher quality apps for higher quality results and people. 1
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Tinder is a garbage hookup site, people look at pics not profiles. So you can ask within the first messages or try higher quality apps for higher quality results and people. I use bumble and hinge. Match and eharmony are not really popular here in the UK. I used both though and zero dates because of very limited user base. Apart from eharmony and match, I guess hinge and bumble are considered more high quality?
salparadise Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Marka said: I am looking at age group 30-40. I am in London in UK, so it is mixed bag in terms on kids. I think around half of guys on apps in this age category with kids. I just want to identify it earlier on as the dating pool is huge and it takes lots of time to wade through all matches. 30-40 is prime child-raising time. Also think it's interesting how you're engaging in a process of elimination... i.e., wade through all matches. So you need to interview them all (the ones without kids, and presumably additional criteria as well) and then simply choose? If only life were that simple. I get that it's a preference, but you're also eliminating guys with a proclivity to attach and commit. And if a guy does have a kid who lives with his ex-wife, they're probably not going to be expecting much of you. The point is that making it a deal breaker may not be the best choice for you (you could pass over your soulmate), and we never know how thlngs may go. You need to google Optimal Stopping, and The Secretary Problem. Edited May 8, 2022 by salparadise
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 52 minutes ago, Marka said: I use bumble and hinge. Ok see if the paid versions have more bells and whistles with regard to screening and criteria.
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 17 minutes ago, salparadise said: then simply choose? chose who to meet, then to see if we click in person. Of course it is not easy. Being childless is just one of the criteria. People have differnt criteria and preference. Someone meets only highly educated guys, someone meets only blonde. People limit their pool of potential matches by having criteria but it is over ten million of people living in my city and I dont really believe in soulmates. So I would rather take a risk to limit my pool. 17 minutes ago, salparadise said: they're probably not going to be expecting much of you they may not, it is not about their expectation unfortunately. I dislike kids in general, so it is just not fair to guy's kids. Kid does not deserve to deal with a person who barely can tolerate their presence.
smackie9 Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) On 5/7/2022 at 2:29 PM, Marka said: I am currently on two dating apps, Bumble and Tinder. Some men that send me likes/ come as matches do not have info about kids on their profile. I am not sure when and how should I ask them about it. I don't have kids myself and it is dealbreaker for me if a guy has kid/s. But i d feel weird to ask in a first message: do you have kids? asking because you don't have this field filled in your profile. What would be better approach? Why not put it in your profile that kids are a deal breaker you know be blunt about it. Asking won't do anything if the guy is going to be deceptive. Edited May 8, 2022 by smackie9 1
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 13 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Why not put it in your profile that kids are a deal breaker you know be blunt about it. Asking won't do anything if the guy is going to be deceptive. It is on my profile on bumble. On hinge there is no option to put this on my profile. Hinge does not have bio section.
chillii Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) Yeah whatever people put in is going to turn some away or of, unavoidable. But the right person for you is gonna understand and feel the same, and the only worthwhile ones meeting anyway. Back when l was single apart from all the personal things, on the more cut and dry levels, one child or no child was a very big thing for me. l only have one daughter and so her having one child to would be a nice thing. But that was it,no way l was dealing with a woman with too many kids seen it all and wasn't going there. So l'd always check there page at the kids line and number, most would say if they had none or one or 15 kids- l looked for the one's or none's haha. But yeah talking to someone, it was nothing for either of us ask or talk about our kids. l remember one girl , l forgot, and we started talking and were getting a long really well l was exited about meeting her , but then l asked- she had 4 kids, no way, sorry. Edited May 8, 2022 by chillii
stillafool Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 Since you're going for 30-40 year olds the majority of those guys have kids so it would save you a lot of time to just put "no kids" on your profile. You're going to be hard pressed to find guys in that age range with kids somewhere. 1
Author Marka Posted May 8, 2022 Author Posted May 8, 2022 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Since you're going for 30-40 year olds the majority of those guys have kids so it would save you a lot of time to just put "no kids" on your profile. You're going to be hard pressed to find guys in that age range with kids somewhere. I am in London. Lots of people in this age range are without kids. Some do have kids but definitely not majority
chillii Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 (edited) Yeah l mean it's the same with women. You could imagine being 47 and trying to find a woman with everything else right , but also only one or no kids. But they were around. My partner only has one to and he's of on his own life now so it all works out. Edited May 9, 2022 by chillii
stillafool Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 7 minutes ago, Marka said: I am in London. Lots of people in this age range are without kids. Some do have kids but definitely not majority Well if that's the case you should go ahead and put it on your profile "no kids". If they like you they will message you regardless. On 5/7/2022 at 5:39 PM, Marka said: Nonetheless it took one guy a week and a half of chatting with me before admitting he has 5 year old daughter with joint custody. What a waste of a week and a half. 1
stillafool Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 9 hours ago, StewpidCoward said: I think what you are trying to say is that you would, for the right hunk, accept if he had kids. Or, if he had kids, they were no longer in his life... No she's said she doesn't want a man who has kids but she's open to having her own kids with a man who doesn't have kids either.
smackie9 Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 I think in any conversation, when getting to know someone it's natural to ask, "You have any kids?" "Been married?" Most of the time they whip out their phone and ready show you photos. So simply asking isn't a hard thing to do. If you don't ask they probably feel they don't need to share that they do, hence finding out a week and a half later. So who care what they think if you ask. If it bothers them then you dodged a bullet, and not waste your time. 1
Author Marka Posted May 9, 2022 Author Posted May 9, 2022 yes, I will be asking then during the conversation, perhaps in the first 5-10 messages exchange. I am from Easter Europe and we are far more direct in our communication, and can be seen as rude by Western people. Thats why I wanted to ask if asking in first or second message do you have kids will come as too direct/unpleasant and I will scare guys who are without kids.
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 16 minutes ago, Marka said: yes, I will be asking then during the conversation, perhaps in the first 5-10 messages exchange. I am from Easter Europe and we are far more direct in our communication, and can be seen as rude by Western people. Thats why I wanted to ask if asking in first or second message do you have kids will come as too direct/unpleasant and I will scare guys who are without kids. Ask right away. Otherwise you will get more and more burned out. It is not 'rude", it is common sense to ask simple everyday important questions. Asking several messages in is what you were doing, then getting mad that they do not spell it out on their profile or contact you even on the sites where you listed this. Overall it seems you are casting too wide a net (too many free sites) and not filtering enough.
glows Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Marka said: yes, I will be asking then during the conversation, perhaps in the first 5-10 messages exchange. I am from Easter Europe and we are far more direct in our communication, and can be seen as rude by Western people. Thats why I wanted to ask if asking in first or second message do you have kids will come as too direct/unpleasant and I will scare guys who are without kids. It's ok. Ask early on if you prefer to know early on. It will not scare men without kids. If it does, they're not worth your time. I've usually let it unfold in the conversation and it doesn't take long. Nearly every parent with parental brain juggling children and a dating life will want to make it known early on about their children regardless of how old or young. Parents are generally proud and aware that their children take up a huge amount of their time, especially if they're young children. I might have hinted earlier that someone who doesn't do that is a red flag. The man who tested your boundaries for a week or so and didn't mention his child, then later said he thought it wouldn't matter or something to that effect is the kind of person you would want to stay away from. Edited May 9, 2022 by glows
dramafreezone Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 18 hours ago, salparadise said: 30-40 is prime child-raising time. Also think it's interesting how you're engaging in a process of elimination... i.e., wade through all matches. So you need to interview them all (the ones without kids, and presumably additional criteria as well) and then simply choose? If only life were that simple. I get that it's a preference, but you're also eliminating guys with a proclivity to attach and commit. And if a guy does have a kid who lives with his ex-wife, they're probably not going to be expecting much of you. The point is that making it a deal breaker may not be the best choice for you (you could pass over your soulmate), and we never know how thlngs may go. Years ago I had a "rule" about not dating women with kids but as I've gotten older I've certainly relaxed on that. Dating is hard enough as it is without stacking the odds against yourself. Eliminating men and women with kids is also eliminating a lot of people with desirable qualities. Many of them just got into a situation too early in life and they may have sorted out their issues by now. You'll never know the story until you're actually out on a date with them, so you don't want to assume that a crazy ex is in the picture or this person is irresponsible. That said OP if it is just a 100% non-negotiable then I understand, we all have dealbreakers and it's certainly your prerogative to have this as one for you. 1
salparadise Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 3 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Dating is hard enough as it is without stacking the odds against yourself. It has been said many times on these forums that having kids changes people in subtle and not so subtle ways, the main one being that it teaches tolerance and to be other focused... to grow out of the me-me-me, want-want-want mentality. It's as though a whole new mature dimension is layered onto a personality. I have one daughter, launched successfully, and I have to say that I don't know who I'd be if it weren't for her and the love and whole experience of being a father. Romantic love comes and goes, but the love between a parent and child endures, and grows and is just wonderful. I also figured out in dating that there is a certain unspoken understanding created by this experience. I've dropped the list of hard deal breakers, mostly. When you find good chemistry, the criteria sort of goes out the window unless it's a big-big deal. Integrity and psychological health/makeup are a big-big deal. Once you've seen both sides of that equation you can't unsee it. I don't want kids either now (too old, done), but for the right woman, who knows. As in never say never.\ OP I'm not trying to talk you out of your preference, but giving you some perspective from someone who's been around the block a time or two. Life happens. You can make plans with good intention, but life has a way of throwing curves when you least expect it. Just sayin... 1
chillii Posted May 9, 2022 Posted May 9, 2022 On another angle though she's said she's not crazy about kids though and there's plenty of people around her ages that don't have kids there so really, she should be fine in that department . l was very firm about my choice and to this day very glad l was.lf l happened to end up being single again it'd still be exactly the same , even more so actually. The way she feels about kids and knows it , a single dad wouldn't even work for her anyway.
Author Marka Posted May 10, 2022 Author Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, chillii said: On another angle though she's said she's not crazy about kids though and there's plenty of people around her ages that don't have kids there so really, she should be fine in that department . l was very firm about my choice and to this day very glad l was.lf l happened to end up being single again it'd still be exactly the same , even more so actually. The way she feels about kids and knows it , a single dad wouldn't even work for her anyway. Thats correct, lots of men without kids in my dating pool. I m just having a problem to filter out those who have as they omit this info from their profile and dont voluntary disclose it while chatting or on a date. Some childless women are fine with dating a guy with kids, but having kids certainly limits the pool here, thats i guess the reason why people do not admit they have kids. For me it is 100% dealbreaker and I explained why in my previous messages. I understand that guys with kids will likely be more mature, more responsible, more family orientated etc, but what can I do. When I see kids/photo of kids I dont feel :wow such cutie (when I see puppy I do feel it, I love dogs), but with kids I just feel meeeh. I am definitely emotionally not there to deal with them. I get around 30-50 matches/contacts each week and prefer to chat with max 5 people at the same time. Also I would rather go out on first date with no more than 1-2 men per week. Thats why I d lke to save time as it is exhausting to chat with so many people only to find out later that they have non-negotiable. Edited May 10, 2022 by Marka
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