When two shy people like eachother

[Jim98]

Hi, I’m a 24 (m) who is crazy about my 23 (f) coworker, unfortunately we’re both quite shy and our relationship hasn’t taken the next step as I had hoped. I say this because we’ve already kissed on a night out(somewhat drunkenly) over a month ago, but since then it’s been extremely awkward. 
I always try to acknowledge her yet all I get is raised eyebrows and the odd “hey”, sometimes she is non responsive and gives me a look.
We both acknowledged our feelings on the night out and friends of mine had told me she really liked me, but now I get the feeling that she dislikes me? Doesn’t look at me from a short distance, short answers and I feel like she avoids me like the plague. That said she still looks at me from a distance, and looks down when I make eye contact.
I know I made an absolute [mess} of the situation and should have asked her out post kiss, but I suppose I was afraid of scaring her off by being too forthcoming. 
Any suggestions on how I approach the situation? I get that we need to have a conversation but as I said she comes across as unapproachable when she probably wants me to talk to her.

Edited May 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Jim98 said:

we’ve already kissed on a night out(somewhat drunkenly) over a month ago, but since then it’s been extremely awkward. I get that we need to have a conversation 

It sounds like she is trying to distance herself from the drunken night out. Be polite, friendly and professional at work. You do not "need to have a conversation" in fact step way back.

The workplace is not a singles club or dating app.. She's there to get a paycheck and may not want messy office romances and all the office gossip.

It's odd you never bothered to just ask her to go for coffee. You're not even dating.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Jim98 said:

Hi, I’m a 24 (m) who is crazy about my 23 (f) coworker, unfortunately we’re both quite shy and our relationship hasn’t taken the next step as I had hoped. I say this because we’ve already kissed on a night out(somewhat drunkenly) over a month ago, but since then it’s been extremely awkward. 
I always try to acknowledge her yet all I get is raised eyebrows and the odd “hey”, sometimes she is non responsive and gives me a look.
We both acknowledged our feelings on the night out and friends of mine had told me she really liked me, but now I get the feeling that she dislikes me? Doesn’t look at me from a short distance, short answers and I feel like she avoids me like the plague. That said she still looks at me from a distance, and looks down when I make eye contact.
I know I made an absolute c*** of the situation and should have asked her out post kiss, but I suppose I was afraid of scaring her off by being too forthcoming. 
Any suggestions on how I approach the situation? I get that we need to have a conversation but as I said she comes across as unapproachable when she probably wants me to talk to her.

Ask her out to coffee as coworkers. Use it to clear the air. It's not a date. 

You both need to work professionally and keep things as smooth/civil as possible. Try not to have work become a chore or an awkward place to be. You can also ask if she has lunch plans and go to lunch together for ie.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Jim98 said:

We both acknowledged our feelings on the night out and friends of mine had told me she really liked me, but now I get the feeling that she dislikes me? Doesn't look at me from a short distance, short answers and I feel like she avoids me like the plague. That said she still looks at me from a distance, and looks down when I make eye contact.

Bolded, I can relate!  You need to ask her out, she may think you've been playing her since there was no follow through after the 'kiss.'

She does NOT dislike you, if she disliked you, she'd be indifferent not mad. 

She's mad because you haven't escalated by asking her out and she's hurt.

Anger can sometimes mask for hurtness. 

Psychology of Women 101.  Lol

Escalate!  You can do it, step out of comfort zone, you won't get anywhere with women if you do nothing but fantasize. 

Edited May 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

There are a lot of unknowns here

1 workplace rules on dating coworkers…especially ones subordinate in rank or you regularly work together

2. is the jobs career path job fir one of you ir is it just a job to pay the bills now?

 

3.  Thus occurred one one may have been not sober

4. she’s unsure if you are serious or just playing around.

5. when things turn awkward after a first moment of sone intimacy thus usually was unexpected and one might not want to pursue it or they aren’t sure on the seriousness of this but don’t want to risk a career.

 

shyness usually matters in the initial stages of courtship and is thus a relationship.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

1 workplace rules on dating coworkers…especially ones subordinate in rank or you regularly work together

Yes. Pay careful attention to this. She is not angry. She's embarrassed she got drunk and sloppy with you and would just like to forget about it and get back to work. And no, women do not want sexual harassment at work so don't "escalate". Date outside of work.

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Jim98 said:

We both acknowledged our feelings on the night out and friends of mine had told me she really liked me

but as I said she comes across as unapproachable when she probably wants me to talk to her.

^^Follow your own intuition on this.  No one here knows either her or you OR what she's feeling including myself so you can disregard my earlier advice as well. 

She's shared her feelings with you, but there's been no follow through from you, just awkwardness so yes no doubt she feels awkward as well. 

My guess is she's as confused about YOUR feelings as you are about hers.

Why not ask her to lunch outside of work?  Start there, casually.

Don't try to mind read or speculate, simply talk. Communicate.  Whether it goes somewhere or not, you gotta clear the air, the tension. 

Workplace romance often gets a bad rap around here but the reality is many many couples met at work and went on to have LTRs and marriages. 

It depends on workplace policy and always be discreet. 

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Jim98 said:

 I get that we need to have a conversation but as I said she comes across as unapproachable when she probably wants me to talk to her.

You work together. If she wanted to talk to you, go for coffee break, lunch or a drink after work she would let you know. Leave her alone.

[glows]

I would try to keep the peace and keep things neutral in the workplace. If that means taking the initiative being friendly or cordial, that's fine. 

Going for coffee or lunch with a coworker during work hours generally isn't considered a date, more like extending an olive branch. 

Unfortunately if she's unapproachable or becomes rude towards you, you'll want to keep your distance and be respectful of that.

[introverted1]

20 hours ago, Jim98 said:

we’ve already kissed on a night out(somewhat drunkenly) over a month ago, but since then it’s been extremely awkward. 

Did the awkwardness start immediately after the kiss or was there a period of normalcy before things became awkward?

I am thinking that, since the kiss was over a month ago and you've not followed up with a date, she feels confused/awkward about what the kiss meant and has taken your lack of pursuit as an indicator that the kiss was a drunken mistake on your part. 

Do you have a way to contact her other than in person at work?  If so, invite her for a drink or coffee and see if you can clear the air and express what you'd like to have happen next.  That's assuming you do want to date her.  If you don't, then just leave it alone.

Edited May 6, 2022 by introverted1

[Jim98]

Okay this is a long one so bear with me. I’m a 24 (m) who has a crush on my 23 (f) coworker, unfortunately we’re both quite shy(I’d be more out there) and our relationship hasn’t taken the next step as I had hoped. I say this because we’ve already kissed on a night out over a month ago. We acknowledged our feelings that night but after our kiss she said out of nowhere that she was seeing someone else, which was awkward and I didn’t know whether to take it as a compliment or to bat me away. If she was seeing someone, then why did she come onto and kiss me? Why all the subtle flirting? Is the seeing someone excuse a defence mechanism? Should I just run for the hills?

Anyway, for a person that once really fancied me and showed all the signals which a shy girl shows, I now get the feeling that she dislikes me. Doesn’t look at me from a short distance, and I feel like she avoids me like the plague. For example we had a work party the other night and we had some small talk but I feel like she tenses up when talking to me directly, as if coming off quite cold. I notice she engages with my male colleagues different to myself, being somewhat more talkative. Even when walking to the nightclub, when we got near each other she avoided walking alongside me and moved to the other side of the group before I could say boo.
I know I made an absolute mess of the situation and should have asked her out post kiss, but I had a tons of s*** going on outside of work, while also the fact she was supposedly seeing someone else which put me off. Maybe I over-taught the situation, but is it true to say that some women are hard to understand and give off conflicting signals?  Any suggestions on how to approach the situation?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jim98 said:

our relationship hasn’t taken the next step as I had hoped. I say this because we’ve already kissed on a night out over a month ago. We acknowledged our feelings that night but after our kiss she said out of nowhere that she was seeing someone else,

You're not in a relationship. Just step back.

[ ] 

 

Edited May 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link after thread merge

[glows]

I don't think she sounds conflicted. She doesn't want to talk to you or be around you. Give her lots of space and don't assume that she is interested. If what you say is true and things are still as tense since your last post, the start of May, this woman doesn't want to interact with you. 

A tip: if someone is a maybe or appears conflicted, regardless of any situation, it's always a no. You walk away from that mess. Don't stay to undo the puzzle. Date women who show positive signs of interest and give no room for question that they are interested in you. 

[smackie9]

The best thing to do is be nonchalant/aloof. If she comes to you or tries to get your attention, then ask her out.

[mortensorchid]

I have said this before, I will say this again : coworkers are NOT friends.  It is easy to think that coworkers are friends because you will spend more time with them than you will with anyone else.  You are to be nice but not too nice, polite indifference.  You may be eager to make friends and have friends, but seek them elsewhere than the workplace.  You will be far happier and people will stay out of your business.

You have committed the cardinal sin already- not only did you meet someone outside of the workplace, but you drank alcohol before then and kissed her.  Now what to do?  Just be polite and friendly towards her and never mention it again.  She wants to forget about it and you should. 

[flitzanu]

On 5/5/2022 at 7:06 PM, poppyfields said:

she'd be indifferent not mad. 

She's mad because you haven't escalated by asking her out and she's hurt.

Anger can sometimes mask for hurtness. 

Psychology of Women 101.  Lol

 

*takes notes