Your take on my situation

[Tiger444]

Hello people, I want to ask you guys on an opinion, its a very complicated situation with my girlfriend.

I meet her 1 year and a half ago and we clicked alot, it was alot of chemistry and we were getting to know each other.. and then sexual tension and everything was very high, and suddenly she distanced herself and said she wants to stop this, and I was like what the heck, I mean the sexual tension and everything was over the top, and she told me that usually when she likes someone alot she leaves, because she has some trauma from her childhood (which she later explained as I will explain) and bad experiences with guys, and has lots of fears.. and I basically calmed her down told her im not one of those guys and that everything will be good, even offered to introduce her to my family so she knows im serious...

So she said ok and we kept it going, introduced each other to our families, we started being official and it was going up and up the connection the chemistry was great, then she had to go back to her city (2 hours drive, she was here for 1 month and a half), so we could see each other for like 1 week every 2 weeks or so, and it was great when we were together but when we were apart it was odd she got distant and also had lots of some fears about me seeing other girls here or things like that, just made it up in her head, then once when we saw each other she had some sort of mental breakdown about one girl that i havent even talked to for a while but have in my social media and she got extremely upset and crying and very panic mode and i couldn't calm her down and then she went to take a shower for 30 mins and came back and was all apologetic and sorry sorry sorry... and i told her we need to trust each other etc...

We then spent 1 month together again and it was amazing, but then got in that habit of being a bit at a distance and not seeing each other so often and she pulled away again and got extremely distant and was saying that she is extremely sad that she feels a void inside and its been like this apparently since a few years, since all of those experiences she had with her past ex, and also from her childhood and shes extremely unhappy in life even wanted to commit suicide at times... and that apparently I make it better when we are together but she is just empty, and when im not with her its even worse because she feels alone, she says im the best boyfriend ever and her family is amazing but she feels completely alone in this world and empty and unhappy.

And I told her that I can't help her that maybe it would be a good idea to look for some help, but she didn't want too, because she takes those things too serious like she is insane if she seeks that help.

Anyway we were together again for 1 month and a half and it was great, then we went apart again for a bit and after that she started saying that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, that shes just not happy with her life and she needs to be alone and try to find herself and her happyness, that she suffered abuse in her childhood, and that her ex beat her and cheated on her and she was with him for years and that currently she just is not happy with life and has not healed and does not feel capable of giving me love like she knows she can and I deserve it, and that shes just dragging me down and I don't deserve this or nobody else for that matter around her and that she wants to be alone and try to heal and find happyness on her own so she can be able to love someone like he deserves it, beause currently she isn't even capable of loving herself and hates herself and her life and everything.

So as you guys can assume, I obviously respected her wishes... she said when she feels like she is healed and better she will look for me, but she doesn't want me to wait for her, if im single great if not its going to hurt but she will be happy for me

I just want to see what you guys think about this situation and about her? Do you guys think this would have never been possible to work even if I was 100% supporting her with this? Do you guys think these issues are really so easy to overcome, without help of a professional? Whats your honest take on all this?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Tiger444 said:

shes extremely unhappy in life even wanted to commit suicide at times...

And I told her that I can't help her that maybe it would be a good idea to look for some help, but she didn't want too, because she takes those things too serious like she is insane if she seeks that help.

she doesn't want me to wait for her

Sorry this happened. You're right, you can't help her and she won't get the help she needs. You dodged a bullet. She is simply too mentally unstable to date.

Do not "wait for her". Medical intervention may improve her situation, however she is consistently resistant to that.

[glows]

24 minutes ago, Tiger444 said:

I just want to see what you guys think about this situation and about her? 

I'm more concerned about you, the need or desire to be close to individuals like this. She may also be disturbed that you'd be willing to be around her or date her when she knows she's not well. 

Are you usually drawn to women or partners who need a great deal of help? She does need help (professional help) but you may want to explore why you feel compelled towards scenarios like this or feel so taken in with the initial high of a new relationship. Wait next time and be a little more patient or conservative before you overinvest in someone.

[chillii]

We like/love who we do op , we don't really get a say.

But she needs her own time and world atm and probably will for a long time yet to work through everything going on for her. l don't think there's anything you can do with it sorry.

[Foxhall]

A certain amount of vulnerability can be attractive in a woman,

A person needs a good deal of life experience themselves though to deal with this type of situation, which is on the extreme side 

from a selfish point of view- if you are young and carefree-maybe best not to get bogged down with this.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

How old are you guys?

 

Assuming what she said is true…she needs to get professional help.

 

you to her might have a thing of nice to have the company but she might now have felt in love with you for whatever reason.

Dont wait for her….

[salparadise]

The things you described, and what she said herself, are consistent with Cluster B personality disorders, unfortunately. Particularly the void, emptiness, self-loathing, and inability to tolerate vulnerability. Also, the intensity of the attraction and chemistry is a clue. She actually seems to be fairly self-aware and even uses some of the vocabulary that is used in the profession. These disorders tend to have childhood abuse a commonality, and presumed etiology. If this is what it is (which I am not saying, only suspecting) then it's going to be a lifelong struggle and she definitely needs to be in long-term therapy. It is not curable, but it is treatable, usually with dialectical behavioral therapy. This helps them to manage it, teaches coping skills, and healthy pattern... but it's a sad and very difficult disorder. You should probably start reading (BPD, borderline PD).

Also, those who attach to people with these disorders are termed codependents. Basically you end up relating by helping them to cope and manage, and you sacrifice the possibility of a healthy relationship for the security of being needed. 

She is correct in her assertion that she isn't capable of a relationship right now, but her thinking that this is going to go away all by itself, or within a limited time, is mistaken. It's best to let her go and express appreciation (it will mean a lot), and if there is anything you can do to encourage her to get professional help, that's the best you can do.

And for you, read up on codependency (Melanie Beatty, Codependent No More), and if it rings true you might want to find a therapist too. Basically, normal, healthy people are looking for other normal, healthy people to date. In fact, they insist on it. So I'd suggest that you figure this out so that you can make healthy choices in the future. I know it's hard but be thankful that she recognized that it needed to end and saved you a lot of anguish and time. All the best-

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Tiger444 said:

Do you guys think this would have never been possible to work even if I was 100% supporting her with this?

It was doomed from the start, yes. 

She is not very stable and has a boatload of issues to sort out before she'll be capable of having a relationship. She needs professional support, not a boyfriend. It would be wise to leave her behind you. 

[IrinaM]

have you posted before under a different name?

[smackie9]

Hot/cold people are to be avoided. They have very high highs, then they get insecure and crash. This is who they are, this is how their brain works. Psychologists say to avoid them as much as possible. In other words don't get involved.