Said she wanted space after I said I didn't want to meet up one night, I now feel anxious and don't know what to do

May 6, 2022

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

No, we met on social media. We barely spoke for months, and have only been talking consistently for around two weeks.

I get that there are dating dealbreakers and such, but her reactions were over the top. Crying over the phone? Ignoring me, in the same conversation, when I suggest meeting up on another day in the same week?

All due respect, I've covered all these questions above. She was ambiguous and inconsistent, most of the time I had no idea she was even interested in me romantically. I know how to date, and how long to take when meeting up with someone. I'm also not letting a stranger into my house at 9pm at night - don't cry on the phone to me because I said I didn't want to do that, and ignore my alternative suggestions, lol. Who cries on the phone to someone you haven't even met? Sorry, but that's odd.

youare contradicting yourself on here

you said you e talked to her fir months, now you say only two weeks. Big difference.

as I said how you meet is important. I’m straight. I’m not assuming because I talk to someone on a social media site thst they are interested in me romantically without one thing said explicitly or you happen to have common friends and someone told you she is not straight.

May 6, 2022

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

youare contradicting yourself on here

you said you e talked to her fir months, now you say only two weeks. Big difference.

as I said how you meet is important. I’m straight. I’m not assuming because I talk to someone on a social media site thst they are interested in me romantically without one thing said explicitly or you happen to have common friends and someone told you she is not straight.

No I'm not. I said we met online in February, and spoke here and there, and have only been speaking consistently for two weeks. I've repeated that throughout this thread, I haven't contradicted myself anywhere.

Firstly, I didn't assume she was into me, but I knew she was gay. Her page is full of references to liking girls, and I am clearly visibly gay. Gay and queer people have many visual and other signifiers, we often don't need to explicitly ask if each other is gay, nor do I need any of her friends to inform me of her sexual orientation. I'm not sure what your second point is, really - this doesn't have much to do with the situation.

But with all due respect, the things you're asking have been addressed already throughout this thread, and how I knew she was gay or not isn't really relevant.

Edited May 6, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 6, 2022

6 hours ago, pianofordummies said:

. Who cries on the phone to someone you haven't even met? Sorry, but that's odd.

Why were you even there talking to someone you never met on/off or more often recently for months? That's odd as well.

Don't worry about how unstable she is, that's easy to fix with a simple delete and block. Worry about your choices and involvement in people like this.

Why not invest your time and effort more wisely in friends or romantic interests?

May 6, 2022

I can certainly understand why you would not want someone to come over for a first meeting at your home.

Despite the fact that her reaction sounded a bit exasperated, it seems like she was frustrated.

Initially, you behaved in a nonchalant manner, but all of a sudden you find yourself nervous and flustered, because she stopped communicating with you.

It's strange how things work out like that sometimes.

May 6, 2022

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why were you even there talking to someone you never met on/off or more often recently for months? That's odd as well.

How's that odd? People talk to people like this all the time. We became 'mutuals' - online friends who would talk here and there. Nothing odd about it, I have many online friends who I chat to, some I've never met and have been chatting to for years. I don't really have to explain my personal life, this post is about this girl's actions, not my roster of friends and how often I talk to them. Nothing I have done is to blame for her over the top behaviour.

I also want to say that it's wise to be careful with your replies. I have been the victim of many years of emotional abuse from family and partners, and it's often hard to tell when someone is being abusive to me, as it can feel like the norm. There are other things she does, ways of speaking to me, phrases, etc, that are manipulative and controlling, that have shown her to be a difficult person. It is often difficult for someone like me, who's used to this kind of person, to detach and immediately walk away at the first red flag.

To be interrogated by you is making me doubt myself and my actions, when I know I am allowed to tell someone "no" without experiencing a full on emotional meltdown. Any adult would not cry on the phone to someone who said "how about Sunday instead?"

If this was a man forcing his way over to my house, what would you say? Should I let him come over for the first time ever at 9pm? Why's it different because she's a woman? It's not. Please stop asking me questions about this, now. I've answered what I feel I need to, in regard to what you're asking me. Thanks for your input.

May 6, 2022

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I can certainly understand why you would not want someone to come over for a first meeting at your home.

Despite the fact that her reaction sounded a bit exasperated, it seems like she was frustrated.

Initially, you behaved in a nonchalant manner, but all of a sudden you find yourself nervous and flustered, because she stopped communicating with you.

It's strange how things work out like that sometimes.

She was nonchalant too. Ambiguous, also. I wasn't some nonchalant person who was ignoring all her advances. Neither of us were mentioning anything romantic, and I'm not nervous and flustered that she's not communicating with me. This, and her reactions to other things, show me she isn't someone who is 'safe' to be around, in terms of my mood and mental health. She's fallen out with three people since I've known her, and is very volatile and up and down in general. Withdrawing communication and having emotional meltdowns isn't, to me, an appropriate reaction to someone saying they didn't want to meet you on one day and immediately suggesting another day. Why didn't she take up the offer of meeting another day, then? If she was so frustrated?

The same way she told me to leave her alone and "bye" when I finally messaged her back the next day after falling asleep, saying "I'm so sorry, I fell asleep x" - is that normal, too? Should I not have fallen asleep?

She also told me she used to stab herself with knives, casually dropping this into conversation. She also impulsively took a trip to the end of the country to meet up with someone she doesn't know after talking to them for a week - perhaps other people find these behaviours normal, but I don't. Her crying on the phone and ignoring my suggestions of another day in the same week seems in line with who she seems to be.

Admittedly I could have stopped talking to her after learning all these things, but I was keeping a distance anyway. When we began speaking more regularly I was also being careful, keeping boundaries in place and watching out for any behaviour that would make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not nervous and flustered that she's not talking to me. I'm hurt, but I will get over it. Someone who lacks emotional regulation and cries over the phone if I say "no" isn't really something I can deal with, long term. This is an adult woman, crying over the phone, because someone said they didn't want to meet up on one specific day.

As it is, I am glad I didn't invest any more into her and meet up with her or have her come to my house, because she seems extremely unstable. She once randomly accused me of blocking and unblocking her on an app, saying "you thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you?" - not even knowing that I actually uninstalled the app from my phone and hadn't blocked anyone.

I'm so confused by some of the responses here. If this was a man causing a scene because I didn't allow him to my house, what would the response be? Am I obligated to meet her because she's a woman? What about me? I'm a woman too. Seems an undercurrent of sympathy for her in some of these posts, and I felt bad for her too, but she is simply being rude and disrespectful to me, and seems to be using this event to be even more so.

If a man was dating a woman who cried over the phone because he said he didn't want to meet up that day but would do it in the week, would that be seen as OK? I feel like she'd be written off as 'crazy'. Same if it was a man who started getting upset if he couldn't go to a woman's house that night. Same sex relationships have the same boundaries and expectations to safety and agency that any other relationship does. Just because we're both women doesn't mean that a) domestic abuse doesn't happen or exist, or b) that there are no boundaries or rules and we both just sit there holding hands.

Edited May 6, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 6, 2022

Try to lead from a space of confidence, OP.

You were right to have serious hesitations about this woman. You don't know her and she's displaying some bizarre and erratic behaviour. You were more than capable of identifying the red flags here.

It isn't necessary to justify or over-explain yourself to posters you disagree with. Simply move forward knowing your judgment of this situation was based on good common sense. And more importantly, don't keep this person in your life.

May 6, 2022

Deleted

Edited May 6, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 6, 2022

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Try to lead from a space of confidence, OP.

You were right to have serious hesitations about this woman. You don't know her and she's displaying some bizarre and erratic behaviour. You were more than capable of identifying the red flags here.

It isn't necessary to justify or over-explain yourself to posters you disagree with. Simply move forward knowing your judgment of this situation was based on good common sense. And more importantly, don't keep this person in your life.

Thank you. I agree, sometimes it's just a little frustrating because I can feel within me that this wasn't right and I guess I just have a tendency to want to explain/defend myself.

You're right though, I won't be keeping this person around.

May 6, 2022

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

If this was a man forcing his way over to my house, what would you say? Should I let him come over for the first time ever at 9pm? Why's it different because she's a woman?

No one suggested allowing any type of stranger into your home was a good idea. It's important not to displace anger and frustrations on people trying to help you. Just delete and block her. It's that simple.

Edited May 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

May 6, 2022

Piano

Nobody is abusing you, suggesting that you should have invited a stranger in your home, nor are they suggesting it’s in anyway “different” because you are 2 women.

This is an advice forum. This means that many posters are going to advise on what you’ve written, and this means encouraging the Op to reflect on their part within the problem. This is so the Op can own their part of the problem and ensure they don’t make the same mistakes again.

We’re trying to help you. And sometimes that help isn’t in the form of ; “yep they’re a psycho, abort mission etc ….” Sometimes It’s about looking within too. I know that’s hard. Posters have done it to me too but the intentions are good.

I think deep down you know you were giving this lady mixed messages and that she probably felt rejected by you. I’m not saying you intended for that to happen but it did as far as I can see. You also know there were warning signs there from the get go (in relation to emotional instability) but you continued along the path despite knowing that you were not interested.

Learn from this. Be clear with your intentions upfront, and don’t continue to engage with strangers who you find emotionally manipulative or who are triggering for you.

I know you don’t agree but hopefully you’re reassured that we’re not trying to upset you. Only help.

May 6, 2022

31 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Piano

Nobody is abusing you, suggesting that you should have invited a stranger in your home, nor are they suggesting it’s in anyway “different” because you are 2 women.

This is an advice forum. This means that many posters are going to advise on what you’ve written, and this means encouraging the Op to reflect on their part within the problem. This is so the Op can own their part of the problem and ensure they don’t make the same mistakes again.

We’re trying to help you. And sometimes that help isn’t in the form of ; “yep they’re a psycho, abort mission etc ….” Sometimes It’s about looking within too. I know that’s hard. Posters have done it to me too but the intentions are good.

I think deep down you know you were giving this lady mixed messages and that she probably felt rejected by you. I’m not saying you intended for that to happen but it did as far as I can see. You also know there were warning signs there from the get go (in relation to emotional instability) but you continued along the path despite knowing that you were not interested.

Learn from this. Be clear with your intentions upfront, and don’t continue to engage with strangers who you find emotionally manipulative or who are triggering for you.

I know you don’t agree but hopefully you’re reassured that we’re not trying to upset you. Only help.

1. I didn't say anyone here was abusing me.

2. I completely agree on looking within.

3. I wasn't giving her mixed signals. I was talking to her in the very same way she was talking to me - I never kept her waiting, acted nonchalant, or any other thing that emotionally unavailable people do. She did not make her interest in me clear, and if she feels rejected by me, I believe that is partly her own fault for not making her OWN interest clear. As I mentioned, she was often nonchalant, ambiguous, and distant, herself. In fact, it was ME that called her things like "babe" and told her she was pretty - she never said any of those things to me. I was, if anything, the person who was veering more on the romantic side when it came to interactions.

4. Yes, there were warning signs. As a recovering codependent and child of abuse, it is often hard to resist familiar dynamics. I have had years of therapy and years of healing, and this is the first time I was confronted with a familiar-feeling dynamic in a while, so had perhaps also thought I could deal with it, or get through it, or manage it. I didn't walk away immediately, because as I said, we often didn't really talk, and she was nothing more than a follower on my social media account. It hasn't been a particularly deep connection.

5. When I said I didn't have feelings for her, it didn't mean that I don't like her or am playing around with her feelings. It means that I simply hadn't developed feelings for her at that point. I liked her in general, and found her interesting. I didn't have any solid emotions towards her, as we had only spoken consistently for two weeks, which is not enough time for me to develop romantic feelings for anyone.

6. The dynamic was very casual, and there was no "this is what I'm looking for" conversation. Again, previous communication had been sporadic - on HER part - so I didn't expect it to change. With the last person I dated, (who wasn't my abusive ex), we DID have a conversation like that, and I understand how to do things like that in regards to dating. This dynamic simply didn't offer the opportunity for such a conversation, as it felt and was very casual.

7. Her triggering behaviour has only recently become extreme and consistent, and it is at this point that I have now blocked and deleted her from everything, as it is affecting my own mental health. I didn't walk away before because it simply wasn't that consistent.

8. Perhaps she did feel rejected, and I can see that, but I don't feel that it is my responsibility to deal with emotional tantrums. She is an adult, not a toddler. I offered alternatives, and she ignored all of them. She didn't acknowledge them. Then, I have done all I could have, and I am not able to do more.

I appreciate all the input and thank you to everyone else that's taken the time out to respond. It's been helpful.

Edited May 6, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 6, 2022

And really, just as a final thought - maybe she did feel rejected and hurt. I get it. I've been rejected too. Most of us have.

However, her behaviour and the way she was speaking to me afterwards wasn't OK, and wasn't in proportion to what happened. It's not OK to be verbally abusive to someone, to threaten them with the silent treatment, to gaslight, manipulate, withdraw, and whatever else, because someone didn't want to meet you on one specific day.

I'm not perfect, but I don't at all deserve the way she was being with me - to the point that I have felt anxious for hours and at times have been unable to stop physically shaking. If someone is having that kind of effect on me and my nervous system, the person is wrong for me. It becomes less and less about who felt rejected and more about the serious effects the dynamic is having on my mental health, and the behaviour that's being displayed. I see now that I should have walked away earlier, and that's that. I hope she finds peace and whatever else, and learns to deal with feelings of rejection that aren't acting out and being verbally abusive.

I am not a clinician of any sort, but she told me she had BPD. I have a book here that lists ten 'traits' and she has displayed all of them in the time that I've known her - so perhaps that will go some way to explaining her behaviour and hypersensitivity to rejection. I understand. But it's not my fault. People will always tell other people "no" - you can't just fly off the handle at everyone that tells you no, lol.

Again, thanks to everyone for replying. I'm going to try and have a relaxed day because the last few days have been extremely stressful. I really appreciate all the input I've received.

May 6, 2022

4 hours ago, pianofordummies said:

She also told me she used to stab herself with knives, casually dropping this into conversation.

You can't change her, however you can delete and block people who claim they stab themselves with knives.

May 6, 2022

What a surprise.

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't change her, however you can delete and block people who claim they stab themselves with knives.

Absolutely. I didn't even respond to her when she told me that, such was my shock. I hear you.

May 6, 2022

4 hours ago, pianofordummies said:

She was nonchalant too. Ambiguous, also. I wasn't some nonchalant person who was ignoring all her advances. Neither of us were mentioning anything romantic, and I'm not nervous and flustered that she's not communicating with me. This, and her reactions to other things, show me she isn't someone who is 'safe' to be around, in terms of my mood and mental health. She's fallen out with three people since I've known her, and is very volatile and up and down in general. Withdrawing communication and having emotional meltdowns isn't, to me, an appropriate reaction to someone saying they didn't want to meet you on one day and immediately suggesting another day. Why didn't she take up the offer of meeting another day, then? If she was so frustrated?

The same way she told me to leave her alone and "bye" when I finally messaged her back the next day after falling asleep, saying "I'm so sorry, I fell asleep x" - is that normal, too? Should I not have fallen asleep?

She also told me she used to stab herself with knives, casually dropping this into conversation. She also impulsively took a trip to the end of the country to meet up with someone she doesn't know after talking to them for a week - perhaps other people find these behaviours normal, but I don't. Her crying on the phone and ignoring my suggestions of another day in the same week seems in line with who she seems to be.

Admittedly I could have stopped talking to her after learning all these things, but I was keeping a distance anyway. When we began speaking more regularly I was also being careful, keeping boundaries in place and watching out for any behaviour that would make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not nervous and flustered that she's not talking to me. I'm hurt, but I will get over it. Someone who lacks emotional regulation and cries over the phone if I say "no" isn't really something I can deal with, long term. This is an adult woman, crying over the phone, because someone said they didn't want to meet up on one specific day.

As it is, I am glad I didn't invest any more into her and meet up with her or have her come to my house, because she seems extremely unstable. She once randomly accused me of blocking and unblocking her on an app, saying "you thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you?" - not even knowing that I actually uninstalled the app from my phone and hadn't blocked anyone.

I'm so confused by some of the responses here. If this was a man causing a scene because I didn't allow him to my house, what would the response be? Am I obligated to meet her because she's a woman? What about me? I'm a woman too. Seems an undercurrent of sympathy for her in some of these posts, and I felt bad for her too, but she is simply being rude and disrespectful to me, and seems to be using this event to be even more so.

If a man was dating a woman who cried over the phone because he said he didn't want to meet up that day but would do it in the week, would that be seen as OK? I feel like she'd be written off as 'crazy'. Same if it was a man who started getting upset if he couldn't go to a woman's house that night. Same sex relationships have the same boundaries and expectations to safety and agency that any other relationship does. Just because we're both women doesn't mean that a) domestic abuse doesn't happen or exist, or b) that there are no boundaries or rules and we both just sit there holding hands.

Okay, I see, then.

I'm sure that nobody in this setting is abusing you.

They're trying to look at all the facts and bring light to the dynamics that the two of you share.

There is no obligation on your part to meet anyone with whom you are uncomfortable. Your post just expressed your anxiety and how unsure you are about what to do or what direction to take since she has chosen not to communicate further with you.

This was a pretty tough situation, but you handled it well and recognized red flags pretty quickly. It was the right thing to reject her invitation to come by your residence and ask for advise, and so you've established some good boundaries. Because of all the information you've gathered about her, and I'd imagine that's what you've found out through your conversations with her, it would be best not to continue speaking to her since you're not comfortable with what she's saying or asking of you.

Not offer to meet her on another date.

Since you've described her so thoroughly, it's probably best not to pursue it further, as you've stated so clearly.

May 6, 2022

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay, I see, then.

I'm sure that nobody in this setting is abusing you.

They're trying to look at all the facts and bring light to the dynamics that the two of you share.

There is no obligation on your part to meet anyone with whom you are uncomfortable. Your post just expressed your anxiety and how unsure you are about what to do or what direction to take since she has chosen not to communicate further with you.

This was a pretty tough situation, but you handled it well and recognized red flags pretty quickly. It was the right thing to reject her invitation to come by your residence and ask for advise, and so you've established some good boundaries. Because of all the information you've gathered about her, and I'd imagine that's what you've found out through your conversations with her, it would be best not to continue speaking to her since you're not comfortable with what she's saying or asking of you.

Not offer to meet her on another date.

Since you've described her so thoroughly, it's probably best not to pursue it further, as you've stated so clearly.

Thank you. I think I mis-wrote, I wasn't suggesting anyone HERE is abusing me, I wrote quite a lot and probably meant abuse within the dynamic between her and I.

I won't be continuing to talk to her, no. She has since been rude to me and insulted my appearance, so that's a no, and has only proved me right in my feelings about her attitude issues.

I do thank you for your input and appreciate the time you took to read and reply.

May 6, 2022

I ended up reaching out to her - I did this because I am a person who often doesn't like to leave things hanging or on a bad note. I hadn't intended to do this, but hey.

I told her that I had enjoyed chatting to her and that I liked her, but that I felt hurt at some of the things she's said (in general, not specific to the meeting up issue), that we don't seem to be compatible, and that I think it's best we don't continue talking. That I wish her well with her career, her pets and other stuff, and to take care.

Her response was "OK creature, take your bad vibes somewhere else x"

For me, this says it all. She often assigns "bad vibes" to a person whenever she falls out with them, I'm not the first.

I guess I will just continue forward and move on, and put this down to experience.

May 6, 2022

It's good that you said goodbye. She sounds like a teenager, honestly (Is she?)

In the future, the moment an online stranger starts behaving erratically or showing you they are mentally unstable - cut contact.

This is really not worth all the distress for you.

May 6, 2022

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's good that you said goodbye. She sounds like a teenager, honestly (Is she?)

In the future, the moment an online stranger starts behaving erratically or showing you they are mentally unstable - cut contact.

This is really not worth all the distress for you.

She's 25.

I agree, also. Wasn't worth it at all!

May 6, 2022

11 minutes ago, pianofordummies said:

Her response was "OK creature, take your bad vibes somewhere else x"

This^ combined with her crying jag and snapping at you after you declined her last minute invite, among other things you've mentioned IS considered mental and emotional abuse, very much so.

Thank GOD you got out, I shudder to think what things would have looked like had you actually met her and, gasp, gotten physically involved with her.

You're doing good! You've been a victim of abuse in the past, so you may continue being drawn to these types BUT the good news is, you're able to read the signs quickly, maintain boundaries and get out!!

May 6, 2022

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

This^ combined with her crying jag and snapping at you after you declined her last minute invite, among other things you've mentioned IS considered mental and emotional abuse, very much so.

Thank GOD you got out, I shudder to think what things would have looked like had you actually met her and, gasp, gotten physically involved with her.

You're doing good! You've been a victim of abuse in the past, so you may continue being drawn to these types BUT the good news is, you're able to read the signs quickly, maintain boundaries and get out!!

Yeah, it was no longer really about the meeting up - her behaviour was just not OK, really. I dread to think, too! All this drama and I've never even met her. I am so glad I got out, I really am. I can tell it would have been very bad news, getting involved any more with her.

Also, thank you so much for your comments today and yesterday - I was really struggling with this whole thing and you're one of the commenters who really helped, so yeah - thank you.

May 6, 2022

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

I ended up reaching out to her - I did this because I am a person who often doesn't like to leave things hanging or on a bad note. I hadn't intended to do this, but hey.

I told her that I had enjoyed chatting to her and that I liked her, but that I felt hurt at some of the things she's said (in general, not specific to the meeting up issue), that we don't seem to be compatible, and that I think it's best we don't continue talking. That I wish her well with her career, her pets and other stuff, and to take care.

Her response was "OK creature, take your bad vibes somewhere else x"

For me, this says it all. She often assigns "bad vibes" to a person whenever she falls out with them, I'm not the first.

I guess I will just continue forward and move on, and put this down to experience.

It's better to keep it shorter in future. "I don't think we are a match but hope you find what you're looking for." If it's any longer than that you're going overboard especially for someone you've not met before, also in the process inciting or provoking someone's annoyance as in the case here.

May 6, 2022

7 minutes ago, glows said:

It's better to keep it shorter in future. "I don't think we are a match but hope you find what you're looking for." If it's any longer than that you're going overboard especially for someone you've not met before, also in the process inciting or provoking someone's annoyance as in the case here.

That's fair enough. I am just someone who used to never speak up about being hurt/offended, so sometimes I believe that letting someone know that something they've done has hurt me is often helpful for me to move forwards and deal with it. Also, this dynamic was at times a bit - well, overshare-y, so I didn't feel it was inappropiate to be honest. If this was someone I'd met and the dynamic was more boundary-informed and less full of trauma dumping (from the other person here, not me), I wouldn't have done so and would have written it in the way you've described. I still don't think calling me creature was OK though or throwing out the "bad vibes" comment, and is pretty reflective of her overall immaturity. Anyway, all over now.

Edited May 6, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 6, 2022

26 minutes ago, pianofordummies said:

That's fair enough. I am just someone who used to never speak up about being hurt/offended, so sometimes I believe that letting someone know that something they've done has hurt me is often helpful for me to move forwards and deal with it. Also, this dynamic was at times a bit - well, overshare-y, so I didn't feel it was inappropiate to be honest. If this was someone I'd met and the dynamic was more boundary-informed and less full of trauma dumping (from the other person here, not me), I wouldn't have done so and would have written it in the way you've described. I still don't think calling me creature was OK though or throwing out the "bad vibes" comment, and is pretty reflective of her overall immaturity. Anyway, all over now.

It's a little like expecting a frog not to hop though. It will still hop because that's what its used to doing. She will respond that way because that's the way she is. It's unfortunate that she called you those rude things. Glad that it's over.

Edited May 6, 2022 by glows

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Said she wanted space after I said I didn't want to meet up one night, I now feel anxious and don't know what to do

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