Said she wanted space after I said I didn't want to meet up one night, I now feel anxious and don't know what to do

May 5, 2022

Have known this girl (we're both girls) via social media since around Feb this year, so not long. We've not met in person - mostly because the chat between us hadn't been very regular or consistent up until recently, so it never came up. More recently, it did become very frequent. We were talking throughout the day every day, and having long phone calls, etc. There was never any mention of anything explicitly romantic, but it was clear there was a flirty/romantic element to it. We spoke a lot about many different things, from personal stuff to just general stuff.

Recently, we were in a call and she was getting ready, while making jokes about "going to the gym". I presumed she actually was going to the gym, or meeting someone else. After about twenty minutes of this, she said "shall I come over, then?" - as it was 9pm, and I just wasn't expecting it, I said oh, um, maybe not tonight - I was not saying this rudely, or in a horrible way. I didn't say never, nor have I cancelled on her any other time, this is the first time this has come up. I even suggested another day in the same week, but she ignored the question. She then started crying and snapping at me over the call, and then she went.

The next day I didn't really hear from her, and when I did message her, she just replied with "if it's cool i'd like some space" - I then asked why, and she said:

- I don't want to waste my time talking to someone who won't meet up with me

- I found it strange that you didn't want to meet up and I'm not over that

- I don't want a relationship, but I am attracted you and want to be close to you and spend time with you

- I don't want a relationship (repeated), I want to travel the world, etc etc (I have never bought up the topic of relationships)

- I don't have a problem with you, I just need time

- I'm mentally struggling and need to catch up with a few things (didn't say what)

I get it, no one wants to feel like their time is being wasted, but I feel like this reaction is a bit extreme? I also feel as if I'm not allowed to have a choice in meeting up, or that I'm pressured to do so. I didn't say I wasn't ever going to meet her, and she repeatedly ignored my comments about meeting up another day. I also feel like yes, people can have choices when it comes to dating, but this isn't a repeated behaviour I've been doing, and it just feels very abrupt. Also, why say she wants space but say in the same sentence that she wants to be "close" to me? I find the general point of her message confusing.

There was something else like this that happened - once we'd been texting late at night and I fell asleep. I didn't respond until the next day, to which she replied "please leave me alone". She then revealed that she was annoyed because I hadn't responded, and was saying things like "leave me alone" and "bye" - until I became firm and told her not to talk to me like that, and she immediately apologise, explaining that she thought I was rejecting her and abandoning her. She regularly does things like this.

I dated someone a while back who had problems with intimacy and avoidance, and this feels very similar. For that reason, it's very triggering and has caused me a lot of anxiety. I also wanna say that I don't have any feelings for this person, but I am in some way feeling 'triggered' by them and their behaviour. I knew someone who acted the same way as this, and everything this person is doing is the same as the girl I used to date.

As well as this, she was 'liking' and replying to old comments of mine on her social media, last night - why do that if she doesn't wish to talk to me? I now haven't heard from her in two days, and am unsure if I'm supposed to eventually make contact, or what. I get that it is probably 'over', but this has triggered me into a lot of rumination - hence this post - and I'm unsure what to think or to do.

I personally don't think I did anything wrong, and feel that I'm allowed to say to someone "not tonight" without them cutting me off and ending things because of it. Or perhaps I am in the wrong and should have just met up with her, who knows...

May 5, 2022

By the reading the title of this thread I was going to jump to your defence. But I quickly changed my mind …

This is a classics case of Incompatibility meets Incompatibility. Neither of you have a clue what you want/ don’t want and in the process you’re messing each other around.

I agree with her! You have put a lot of investment into this and the chances are it will amount to nothing. What is the point of your excessive communication when it hasn’t gone anywhere after 3 months?

Figure out what you want. Then make a decision if you want to take this further- by meeting up. You either do or you don’t! It’s that simple.

And if you don’t both of you should let this go and get on with your lives.

May 5, 2022

4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

By the reading the title of this thread I was going to jump to your defence. But I quickly changed my mind …

This is a classics case of Incompatibility meets Incompatibility. Neither of you have a clue what you want/ don’t want and in the process you’re messing each other around.

I agree with her! You have put a lot of investment into this and the chances are it will amount to nothing. What is the point of your excessive communication when it hasn’t gone anywhere after 3 months?

Figure out what you want. Then make a decision if you want to take this further- by meeting up. You either do or you don’t! It’s that simple.

And if you don’t both of you should let this go and get on with your lives.

We haven't been talking consistently for three months, we have only picked up regular communication in the last two weeks. We barely spoke until recently. Feb was when we followed each other, and as I said, rarely spoke. It's not as if we have been speaking day and night for three months, communication was very sparse and she was even talking to other people during this time, and we often wouldn't talk for a week or two.

I also offered an alternative day in the same week, during the same conversation, and she didn't respond.

Edited May 5, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 5, 2022

Thanks for clarifying the time period however it changes nothing in terms of what I’ve said above.

2 weeks is a long time to invest as much time/ energy as you 2 have. With someone you haven’t even met!

She’s probably questioning whether it’s worth the Investment when she’s getting no return. I agree. Personally I couldn’t be bothered either. It’s not worth it.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you’re serious about meeting up with her offer a specific date time and activity. See what she says.

May 5, 2022

7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks for clarifying the time period however it changes nothing in terms of what I’ve said above.

2 weeks is a long time to invest as much time/ energy as you 2 have. With someone you haven’t even met!

She’s probably questioning whether it’s worth the Investment when she’s getting no return. I agree. Personally I couldn’t be bothered either. It’s not worth it.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you’re serious about meeting up with her offer a specific date time and activity. See what she says.

I don't agree, sorry. I don't have to jump up and do something every time she asks (which is a common theme with her). Crying on the phone because I said "how about Sunday?" doesn't seem usual, either. As for "getting no return" - she hasn't told me she wanted a relationship or wanted to date me, we've literally been talking about plants and cats. How am I meant to know what she wants if she hasn't even communicated it - having a meltdown after the fact doesn't seem fair or right, to me. She didn't mention once what she was looking for, and I don't think two weeks is very long, either.

I also did offer an alternative day - I've mentioned this a few times here, now. I offered one AT THE TIME, and I was ignored, while she continued to cry. It doesn't seem normal or reasonable to carry on crying on the phone to someone you don't know, while they're actually saying "how about Sunday?" - to me, she seems quite manipulative and controlling. I am allowed to cancel or say no - just as she is allowed to make her choices, I agree. But I had no idea she was even as invested as she appeared to be after the fact - she is often very distant and emotionally unavailable, so at times I wasn't even sure if she was interested in me like that. To suddenly have a meltdown about not meeting up when she'd never been open about anything before seems strange, and not really related to me or our situation, but ok

I don't agree with you at all, but thanks for the input

Edited May 5, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 5, 2022

She sounds really emotionally unstable and immature, to be honest. Yes she was completely overreacting and throwing a tantrum. The smart thing to do here would be to steer clear of her, not get more involved in her and let her impose all her tantrums and drama onto your life.

May 5, 2022

3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She sounds really emotionally unstable and immature, to be honest. Yes she was completely overreacting and throwing a tantrum. The smart thing to do here would be to steer clear of her, not get more involved in her and let her impose all her tantrums and drama onto your life.

I agree. I can't see many - if any - positives to remaining in touch, but I do feel somewhat hurt/offended by this pushing away and "needing space" thing - it doesn't feel very final, and is causing me an amount of anxiety as to whether she's going to reach out or not. As well as her liking these old comments of mine - which I felt was not necessary while she said she didn't want to communicate...it's confusing. I'm not saying it ISN'T final, but yeah. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I agree on the whole really, it seems that she doesn't really have control of her emotions and I'm already experiencing a lot of rumination and confusion over this whole thing. I don't think it will get better

May 5, 2022

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

I also wanna say that I don't have any feelings for this person, but I am in some way feeling 'triggered' by them and their behaviour.

You may be wasting your time and also wasting her time in the process. She explicitly told you she is attracted to you and wants to spend time with you. You have no feelings for her so you continuing to engage with her or chat with her is in a way toying with her emotions.

This is one of those situations where you may want to consider stepping back and be the bigger person as you are less emotionally attached.

The only attachment you seem to have is linking her to an ex who had hurt you. That is some unfinished business to unpack with a therapist or on your own private time. Don't include her in this. You have no obligation to reach out to her anymore and it doesn't make you a bad person for not doing so either and walking away from the situation.

If she reacted to you poorly and is immature, it's because she's at a disadvantage. She likes you quite a lot and you don't feel the same way. Be kind and go your separate ways.

May 5, 2022

6 minutes ago, glows said:

You may be wasting your time and also wasting her time in the process. She explicitly told you she is attracted to you and wants to spend time with you. You have no feelings for her so you continuing to engage with her or chat with her is in a way toying with her emotions.

This is one of those situations where you may want to consider stepping back and be the bigger person as you are less emotionally attached.

The only attachment you seem to have is linking her to an ex who had hurt you. That is some unfinished business to unpack with a therapist or on your own private time. Don't include her in this. You have no obligation to reach out to her anymore and it doesn't make you a bad person for not doing so either and walking away from the situation.

If she reacted to you poorly and is immature, it's because she's at a disadvantage. She likes you quite a lot and you don't feel the same way. Be kind and go your separate ways.

Bolded: She only told me this as she was telling me she needed space. Up until this point, she had been acting very closed off, and I did not know she felt like this until she was distancing herself from me. I am not toying with her emotions and have not been doing that. But I hear what you're saying, and thank you for the input.

Edited May 5, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 5, 2022

1 minute ago, pianofordummies said:

Bolded: She only told me this as she was gelling me she needed space. Up until this point, she had been acting very closed off, and I did not know she felt like this until she was distancing herself from me.

Try to read between the lines. She likes you. If you don't feel the same way, don't keep her around.

There must be other company you can spend time with aside from her. She can find someone else who wants to be with her in more of a romantic sense or is attracted to her.

Unpack those issues about your ex in private but avoid revisiting individuals that repeat similar behaviours. I know it's hard. I have broken some patterns in my past also. It's very hard but the more you apply yourself and the less you react or feel drawn to individuals with similar behaviours that you might have felt pulled towards, the less and less of an effect it will have on you. It takes time and a lot of application.

May 5, 2022

1 minute ago, glows said:

Try to read between the lines. She likes you. If you don't feel the same way, don't keep her around.

There must be other company you can spend time with aside from her. She can find someone else who wants to be with her in more of a romantic sense or is attracted to her.

Unpack those issues about your ex in private but avoid revisiting individuals that repeat similar behaviours. I know it's hard. I have broken some patterns in my past also. It's very hard but the more you apply yourself and the less you react or feel drawn to individuals with similar behaviours that you might have felt pulled towards, the less and less of an effect it will have on you. It takes time and a lot of application.

I tried to tell her that I wasn't wasting her time and that I'd like to meet on Friday, but she just said she "needs time" and didn't really respond. I simply wasn't aware that she felt that way up until her getting upset, because it at times wasn't clear.

I will definitely try and work towards more detachment with this person, though. It feels like I am quite drawn to her because of the instability, and it's the first time this has happened since the ex I mentioned, so I realise there's still some work to do.

May 5, 2022

27 minutes ago, pianofordummies said:

I agree. I can't see many - if any - positives to remaining in touch, but I do feel somewhat hurt/offended by this pushing away and "needing space" thing - it doesn't feel very final, and is causing me an amount of anxiety as to whether she's going to reach out or not.

This is someone you have never met in person and you don't owe her anything. You could put an end to all this anxiety and drama right now by making the decision to end the "virtual" relationship and cut off contact. There's no reason for you to put so much of your mental energy into this, when she's exhibiting lots of red flags that make it pretty obvious that meeting in person and getting involved with her would be a bad idea. All her erratic, overdramatic behavior would surely be even worse if you started an in-person relationship with her.

May 5, 2022

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This is someone you have never met in person and you don't owe her anything. You could put an end to all this anxiety and drama right now by making the decision to end the "virtual" relationship and cut off contact. There's no reason for you to put so much of your mental energy into this, when she's exhibiting lots of red flags that make it pretty obvious that meeting in person and getting involved with her would be a bad idea. All her erratic, overdramatic behavior would surely be even worse if you started an in-person relationship with her.

I agree, actually. I do have the power to just end it here, as opposed to getting further entangled with her and her behaviour, and it getting harder to break out of. I suppose it just does hurt slightly that she did this, and for all I know could be out there talking to someone else or whatever. Like I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and pushed away for something reasonable - saying I didn't want to meet on one specific day. I don't know. But I agree.

May 5, 2022

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

Have known this girl (we're both girls) via social media since around Feb this year, so not long. We've not met in person

1 hour ago, pianofordummies said:

Recently, we were in a call and she was getting ready, while making jokes about "going to the gym". I presumed she actually was going to the gym, or meeting someone else. After about twenty minutes of this, she said "shall I come over, then?" - as it was 9pm, and I just wasn't expecting it, I said oh, um, maybe not tonight - I was not saying this rudely, or in a horrible way. I didn't say never, nor have I cancelled on her any other time, this is the first time this has come up. I even suggested another day in the same week, but she ignored the question. She then started crying and snapping at me over the call, and then she went.

I quoted and bolded the parts that stood out to me. I'm with you 100%. If this had been a male/female relationship and a man had asked a woman he'd been chatting with if he should "come over" at 9:00 pm to meet her for the first time, the posters here would be all over that! And telling the woman she did the right thing by declining.

And as if that's not bad enough, when you politely declined and suggested another day, she started crying and snapping at you? Good lordy.

I also agree that her request that she needs "space" was her way of punishing you for not being at HER beck and call last minute at 9:00 pm to meet you for the first time at your home.

My advice given you've never even met, is wish her well and say goodbye.

I'm sorry this didn't work out but she's got "issues" as they say and best you not involve yourself with something/someone like that.

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

May 5, 2022

16 minutes ago, pianofordummies said:

I agree, actually. I do have the power to just end it here, as opposed to getting further entangled with her and her behaviour, and it getting harder to break out of. I suppose it just does hurt slightly that she did this, and for all I know could be out there talking to someone else or whatever. Like I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and pushed away for something reasonable - saying I didn't want to meet on one specific day. I don't know. But I agree.

This goes back to being drawn to individuals like this. You're repeating those patterns. While you haven't done anything wrong towards her, you do owe it to yourself to break those patterns and recognize or avoid people like this. Remember that like attracts like and birds of a feather generally flock together or find themselves together. Resist the urge to associate yourself with her or others like her.

May 5, 2022

2 hours ago, pianofordummies said:

Have known this girl (we're both girls) via social media since around Feb this year, so not long. We've not met in person - I then asked why, and she said:

- I don't want to waste my time talking to someone who won't meet up with me

- I found it strange that you didn't want to meet up

She has a point in that you've been chatting for months on end without meeting. What is the real reason for that?

May 5, 2022

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has a point in that you've been chatting for months on end without meeting. What is the real reason for that?

All due respect, I've explained above. I said we've known each other. Didn't say we'd been chatting for months on end. She's talked to other people, communication was often sparse and I barely know her. We haven't been chatting for months on end. We MET ONLINE in Feb. I have barely spoken to her up until the last two weeks - she hasn't said "we've been chatting for months, what's the point?" - she suddenly wanted to meet up, got upset when I said no and suggested another day in the very same week, cried over the phone, and only revealed she liked me AS she was telling me she wanted space, having previously been extremely emotionally closed off and never mentioning anything about dating me or liking me.

I also didn't really think she was interested as she showed me screenshots of conversations with other people, and they were pretty much the same as ours, to the point that I asked her a couple of times if these were people she was dating or just friends with, because the communication was constant and that doesn't seem usual when you're chatting to new people, and typical when you're talking to someone romantically.. She isn't a straightforward person. If someone is telling me and making it clear they like me, I'm not a cruel or evasive person who plays games, I'll act accordingly. If I'm unsure of what someone's doing or wants, and they're inconsistent, I will not just jump at their every request, and I don't expect to be met with emotional meltdowns when I say "can we meet on Sunday or Friday instead?" - doesn't seem normal.

It doesn't matter what the reason is. If I'm not ready to let a stranger into my home at 9pm at night the first time I meet them, I don't have to. I didn't even feel comfortable saying no to her in the first place, come to think of it. She is very volatile and reactive, often in arguments with other people and has fallen out with about three people since I've known her. She even started an argument with someone she was buying a plant from, online. So for this reason I didn't even feel 100% comfortable saying no, and had to kind of mumble it. I knew she would react in some way like this, I half expected it.

The last person I dated, when they'd asked to meet up and I was busy that day, said "that's fine, I'm happy to wait until we're both free", and we just carried on chatting. Big difference, here.

Edited May 5, 2022 by pianofordummies

May 5, 2022

I would not continue communicating with this person.

She sounds incredibly immature and not very emotionally stable. All of this is completely bizarre coming from someone you have never met and haven't even been talking to on a consistent basis. For me, that would be more than enough to extract myself from this situation.

May 5, 2022

@pianofordummiesyou've done nothing wrong, this isn't on you, at least not solely. SHE's been very much part of this equation and if she were serious about meeting you and developing something other than some ambiguous "I'm attracted to you, but be clear I do NOT want a relationship," she might have proposed a time to meet other than some lame last minute suggestion to "come over" to your home at 9:00 pm.

Goodness gracious women are not advised to allow a man to "come over" on a first date, or second date, in this case, this was a FIRST meet!

You did the right thing, and again for her to be crying and snapping at you and now punishing you telling you she needs "space," because you declined her LAST MINUTE invite to come to your home and instead suggested another more appropriate time (and place), is totally unacceptable - get rid!

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

May 5, 2022

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I quoted and bolded the parts that stood out to me. I'm with you 100%. If this had been a male/female relationship and a man had asked a woman he'd been chatting with if he should "come over" at 9:00 pm to meet her for the first time, the posters here would be all over that! And telling the woman she did the right thing by declining.

And as if that's not bad enough, when you politely declined and suggested another day, she started crying and snapping at you? Good lordy.

I also agree that her request that she needs "space" was her way of punishing you for not being at HER beck and call last minute at 9:00 pm to meet you for the first time at your home.

My advice given you've never even met, is wish her well and say goodbye.

I'm sorry this didn't work out but she's got "issues" as they say and best you not involve yourself with something/someone like that.

I agree, it does feel like a protest behaviour/punishment of some sort.

I also agree about this being the first time we'd met and her coming into my home at 9pm isn't something I felt comfortable with - I hadn't even thought of that, but I didn't. I don't know her, and just because we're both women it doesn't mean it's safe or fine - I didn't feel comfortable giving out my home address immediately, nor having someone just all up in my personal space. I have always met people first in coffee shops or parks, chilling at each other's houses comes later. I think it's also an indication of her boundary system that she didn't see anything wrong with trying to come over to my house at 9pm at night. I don't think I'd suggest that to someone I was talking to, tbh.

But yeah, I can't be bothered. It's already stressful, I can't be bothered with whatever she's got going on. I offered another day and she just carried on crying - the crying itself and doing it on the phone made me feel uncomfortable, I wasn't even sure what to say. Not very mature

May 5, 2022

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would not continue communicating with this person.

She sounds incredibly immature and not very emotionally stable. All of this is completely bizarre coming from someone you have never met and haven't even been talking to on a consistent basis. For me, that would be more than enough to extract myself from this situation.

Thanks. This is kind of what I think and it's hard hearing people sort of defending her, because I really can't see how I'd continue engaging with a person like this. I'm not going to make contact with her, and just work to switch the focus to my own life.

May 5, 2022

14 minutes ago, pianofordummies said:

It doesn't matter what the reason is. If I'm not ready to let a stranger into my home at 9pm at night the first time I meet them, I don't have to.

Absolutely!!!! No need to defend yourself, again you did nothing wrong and everything right in my book.

No need to feel guilty about it either, simply move on, and in this case if you want to block and delete her, I think that would be fine too.

She sounds extremely unstable, controlling and emotionally abusive.

This is one of the biggest NEXTS I've ever read on this forum.

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

May 5, 2022

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@pianofordummiesyou've done nothing wrong, this isn't on you, at least not solely. SHE's been very much part of this equation and if she were serious about meeting you and developing something other than some ambiguous "I'm attracted to you, but be clear I do NOT want a relationship," she might have proposed a time to meet other than some lame last minute suggestion to "come over" to your home at 9:00 pm.

Goodness gracious women are not advised to allow a man to "come over" on a first date, or second date, in this case, this was a FIRST meet!

You did the right thing, and again for her to be crying and snapping at you and now punishing you telling you she needs "space," because you declined her LAST MINUTE invite to come to your home and instead suggested another more appropriate time (and place), is totally unacceptable - get rid!

She has been completely ambiguous this entire time, yes. It's not like she was sitting there telling me how much she liked me and I kept avoiding her, or something. I even invited her to a flower market, something I know she likes - and she ignored me totally, carrying on crying. I just can't be bothered. Too much stress and anxiety!

May 6, 2022

5 hours ago, pianofordummies said:

She has been completely ambiguous this entire time, yes. It's not like she was sitting there telling me how much she liked me and I kept avoiding her, or something. I even invited her to a flower market, something I know she likes - and she ignored me totally, carrying on crying. I just can't be bothered. Too much stress and anxiety!

When you first started communicating was it from an avenue fir dating?

if so, and you live in the same metro area, you set up a meeting ASAP. You don’t dangle out there fir months.

May 6, 2022

40 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

When you first started communicating was it from an avenue fir dating?

if so, and you live in the same metro area, you set up a meeting ASAP. You don’t dangle out there fir months.

No, we met on social media. We barely spoke for months, and have only been talking consistently for around two weeks.

I get that there are dating dealbreakers and such, but her reactions were over the top. Crying over the phone? Ignoring me, in the same conversation, when I suggest meeting up on another day in the same week?

All due respect, I've covered all these questions above. She was ambiguous and inconsistent, most of the time I had no idea she was even interested in me romantically. I know how to date, and how long to take when meeting up with someone. I'm also not letting a stranger into my house at 9pm at night - don't cry on the phone to me because I said I didn't want to do that, and ignore my alternative suggestions, lol. Who cries on the phone to someone you haven't even met? Sorry, but that's odd.

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Said she wanted space after I said I didn't want to meet up one night, I now feel anxious and don't know what to do

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