brooke7777 Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 So I had a rough beginning of the week and I broke NC on Tuesday night. I just couldn't take it anymore. He was not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend and I just couldn't bear not speaking to him anymore. Backgroud: 3 1/2 year relationship, broke up with me out of nowhere and still not sure why. He didn't answer right away, but called back the next morning. I told him I was meeting a friend for dinner near his house and wanted to see if he wanted to meet up afterwards. He said he would love to. We talked during my whole car ride...just small talk. So during dinner, I am a nervous wreck. Do I ask all of my unanswered questions? Do I keep it to just small talk? Do I ask what our future entails? My friend tells me to basically do what feels right. So I give him a call after dinner and we decide where to meet. He prefaces the conversation by saying I don't want to give you any false promises. I knind of just shake it off and get off the phone. Now I'm a mess. I fell like that is something that he knew would upset me and that it was unnecessary. I would have been more content with him saying he couldn't meet me or not responding to my call in the first place. So we meet up and we talk for three hours. I take the mostly small talk route. It was nice to hear what he was up to, but so hard to fake that I am doing just peachy keen. I wanted to ask him all of my questions, but just felt like that may push him away, so I left any relationship discussion up to him. So he tells me that he misses me terribly and that it has been such a hard adjustment for him and that he's still having a hard time. I tell him that I really miss him too. At the end of the night he hugs me for a long time and tells me how much he misses me and how nice it was to see me. He didn't seem himself...seemed unhappy. I get in the car and cry the whole way home. He just seems to be sending me such mixed signals. He doesn't want to give me false hopes but he misses me so much. I am basically very confused and upset for the rest of the week. I don't regret breaking NC, however, now I am just so confused. I don't understand what his ordeal is. Yesterday night, I stopped by a bar to celebrate a mutual (but his childhood friend) friend's birthday. I wan't sure if he would be there...he wasn't. The friend immediately told me how miserable my boy has been the past two months. Our friend tells me how he thinks my boy is questioning his career and future and felt like he needed to put me on hold...I agree. He also tells me that he thinks that in time my ex will come around...he just has to sort out his future first. Our friend says that my boy is devastated and not himself...he hasn't been happy since we broke up. So now I am even more confused. A good friend says that he is miserable. He's giving me mixed signals. What is going on? Just needed to vent. If anyone has any input, feel free to respond.
sundrop Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 IMO, I would keep going on with your life like you have been and not put your life on hold. He has to make up his mind wether to be with you or not. ALso don't let this be an oppertunity for him to string you along. After a three year relationship, he should know what he wants, (trust me I know) If he wants you, you have cracked the door open for him, he will come to you. Im the mean time, keep meeting people and living your life, right now that is the best you can do for the both of you. Take care of yourself.
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2005 Posted October 23, 2005 Remember that he wouldn't be giving you mixed signals if you were doing NC.. He knows how you feel about him.. Let him chase you.. If he doesn't then you have your answer.. You can't make him love you or take you back.. Go back to NC until he makes a move..
Fallen_Angel Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Maybe I've read too much of He's Just Not That Into You, but I do think guys can be rather simple minded...if he truly wants to get back with you, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. But since he sounds confused too, he's giving out mixed signals. You don't want him to think you'd be willing to wait around for him. Trust me, your time is MUCH too valuable. You deserve someone who doesn't have to question his committment to you!!!! I know it's painful, but you have to cut him out of your life for the time being. Otherwise you're going to torture yourself by analyzing his every move.
Tangerina Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 been there, done that... and it sucks... it is the worst.... I was basically in your exact situation... he "needed space" but sent mixed messeges, wouldn't be straight with me about whether we had actually broken up or not... the thing was that in the back of his mind he just kind of always thought he could have me back when he wanted so he wasn't sweating it and didn't really do anything to work with me in the situation.... I kept saying I need answers and I want you back and lets work it out... but he just kept pushing me away... after a while I couldn't take it and decided to move on... well, sure enough the ex wanted back with me after about a month and a half and was shocked that I was seeing someone else... because he always just thought it would go his way no matter what... I wasn't serious with the other person yet so I told him... look, this has all been on your terms, now I need to do what is right for me, so if you want you can pursue me and convince me, because I want to be convinced but you need to do the work in this situation.... sure enough he didn't put much effort into convincing me and I realized that he didn't know what he wanted and as hard as it was I didn't get back with him because he wasn't really ready to REALLY be with me.... sorry to ramble on about personal stuff, I just wanted to share my experience because what I really got out of it is what some of the other posts here have been saying.... that if he really wanted to be with me and deserved me he would have at the very least worked with me in the situation and given me answers and been sensitive to my feelings... and at the very most after 3 years he should have known for real if he wanted what we had.... so I agree with the others, go on living your life without him, or if you wre going to pursue him let him know that you aren't on hold for him to just come back to whenever he wants, it will force him to really think about what he wants... I know I should have done that in my situation... I guess it was deffinitely implied when I started dating again... well I am still with the guy I started seeing since he is basically wonderful and now my ex thinks I did him some great wrong because I "shut myself off emotionally" to him instead of sitting there with a bleeding heart waiting for him to come back.... don't let your guy put you in that position.....
johan Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I think you did the right thing. I know it's hard, but "No contact" can also be a form of avoidance. If you really love someone, you have to put your heart on the line a little bit, and that rule doesn't change during the breakup. Maybe going forward you'll have a better idea how much it's going to cost you to try to get in touch with him. Be smart about it, because you can't really expect there to be any benefits.
J dub Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I think you did the right thing. I know it's hard, but "No contact" can also be a form of avoidance. If you really love someone, you have to put your heart on the line a little bit, and that rule doesn't change during the breakup. Except when you factor the whole part in where THEY DUMPED YOU. That person felt you were dispensable...you want to be with someone who has no problem throwing you to the wolves?! I sure hope not. NC is not avoidance, its a method of maintenence on your heart. The very problem w/ breaking NC is what this poor girl is enduring...the incredibly torn feeling of "What next?" Sweetie, breaking NC probably wasnt the greatest idea but were all human and can make judgement errors. Right now you arent thinking quite clearly and by contacting him you are giving yourself false hope in itself. He told you he wasnt going to make any promises or give you hope because there is none. When a man wants something, he takes it. There isnt an issue of "maybe" - nor should you ever accept that from someone. You and everyone else deserves to be with someone who loves you 100%. Your ex is not sending mixed signals, it's simply that he's confused by what you want from contacting him. I'm sure it came out of left-field for him and he probably wasnt ready to talk to you yet (otherwise he would have been calling you, not the other way around). Do yourself a huge favor and pamper the hell out of yourself right now. You are fragile and confused (with reason, the a$$ didnt even give you a reason for breaking it off? Isn't that the LEAST you deserve considering how long you had been together?) and his friends telling you that he may be coming back is only holding you back from facing the inevitable: He is gone, and right now you need to move on. Regardless of whether or not he decides to, dont wait for him. He felt no reason to hang around for you, you owe him nothing because of that. The simple answer to your issue is to get back into the NC route. With some time, this will all be an issue of the past and you'll wonder why you bothered to begin with. Honestly? Your biggest hurdle right now is simply waiting it out - working thru your emotions and dealing with the usual rollercoaster-esque moods. Hang in there, we've all been there, done that at some point in our lives and are able to move forward. You, too, will get there as well Just dont hit the "Reset" button on your healing process again (by contacting him) and you'll be ok. we're here to talk you thru your healing time, always know that
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