Am I mis-reading the signs

[PotatoHead]

I will start by saying that, I recently got out of a relationship and plan to stay single for at least a year while I work on myself.  I am by no means looking to start up anything new at this point.  I also think I am terrible at reading signs if someone might be into me which is why I am in a bit of a pickle and don't want to let things get too far and cause it to be awkward.

I am starting to wonder if the woman that babysits my kids might be trying to make something happen.  I've never really suspected it before, we get along well and sometimes would get into lengthy text conversations but it always started out being focused on the kids.  But she is over 10 years younger than I and has always kept things professional and never crossed a line into being flirty or anything, so I thought it was innocent and we are just friends by acquaintance.

These past couple of months I have noticed that I would randomly get texts from her to talk about random things or life in general, sometimes lasting until very late at night.  She told me about her recent break up when she found out about mine.  She often goes off on tangents about how grateful she is for "all of us" and how much she loves "all of us" meaning the kids and I suppose myself.  I always thought she was just overly nice, offering to come help with the kids anytime without extra pay, and now she has started to be included in family events such as birthdays, sports games etc. 

What finally made me start questioning her motives last week, when she didn't make it to one of the kids games before it ended but asked to come by the house and see them afterwards.  She ended up staying until late that night and we all watched a movie together, which again is fine because the kids were there.  She started telling me some of her favorite movies which I haven't seen yet, and insisted that I watch them to which I agreed.  Then the next couple nights we texted and since I didn't get around to watching any of the movies, she said she will have to come over and make me watch them with her.  I am 99% sure she intends on coming over and spending time just me and her, no kids.

To me that seems like a pretty clear indicator, am I overreacting?  I really don't want to mess up what we have going because she is amazing with the kids and they love her.  If it's possible that she does just want to hang out as friends then I think that's great, I could really use a friend right now and I have enjoyed having her to talk to.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

To me that seems like a pretty clear indicator, am I overreacting?  I really don't want to mess up what we have going because she is amazing with the kids and they love her.  If it's possible that she does just want to hang out as friends then I think that's great, I could really use a friend right now and I have enjoyed having her to talk to.

Oh man. I think you need to draw a hard line in the sand on this and make sure she understands you are not interested in anything more than your professional relationship with her as the babysitter of your children. If you don't want to lose her as a reliable babysitter, I don't even think you should be hanging out as "friends" because that line can easily get muddled. Maybe you can try and find a male friend where there can be no misunderstandings about where the relationship is headed. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I really don't want to mess up what we have going because she is amazing with the kids and they love her.. I could really use a friend right now and I have enjoyed having her to talk to.

Focus on this part. First of all you're her employer, secondly the rapport with your children is very important. Thirdly, this would get back to your children's mother in a nanosecond and make a huge mess of things . While she's aware of the situation she can't be your therapist.

Join some groups and clubs, take some classes and courses, get involved in sports, fitness and nutrition, volunteer. Make friends. 

Are you still FWB with the exgf and seeing her? Try not to overcomplicate your life this much. 

[PotatoHead]

I was thinking about having to make that clear to her, but then not wanting to make a complete fool of myself if she only sees me the same way.  Might it not make things uncomfortable if going forward she thinks I was having those kinds of thoughts, or at the least she would be embarrassed if I thought she had.

 

No @Wiseman2 I have not seen the ex since the last scenario that I posted about.  We talk occasionally.

[vla1120]

12 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I was thinking about having to make that clear to her, but then not wanting to make a complete fool of myself if she only sees me the same way.  Might it not make things uncomfortable if going forward she thinks I was having those kinds of thoughts, or at the least she would be embarrassed if I thought she had.

 

No @Wiseman2 I have not seen the ex since the last scenario that I posted about.  We talk occasionally.

I understand what you are saying. In this case, the best way to make sure there is no misunderstanding is to keep things strictly on a professional level. @Wiseman2 brings up a good point. Not that it is any of her business, but would your ex get mad (and make trouble for you) if she hears from the kids how much time the babysitter is spending at your house outside of her work hours? If you want it to remain professional, just be careful about how much personal information the two of you share, though I do understand the need for a friend. Just find a way to keep healthy boundaries for yourself. 

[PotatoHead]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I understand what you are saying. In this case, the best way to make sure there is no misunderstanding is to keep things strictly on a professional level. @Wiseman2 brings up a good point. Not that it is any of her business, but would your ex get mad (and make trouble for you) if she hears from the kids how much time the babysitter is spending at your house outside of her work hours? If you want it to remain professional, just be careful about how much personal information the two of you share, though I do understand the need for a friend. Just find a way to keep healthy boundaries for yourself. 

It's possible that the kids mom would try to make trouble of it, not sure what she would do exactly but it is something that raised a flag for me.  Thinking that if we did decide to hang out, I wouldn't want the kids or their mom to find out because of what they might think.  We haven't made any actual plans yet, so if she pursues it any further I may just have to say something along the lines of, I worry if it might seem inappropriate.

[BrinnM]

My first q would be: Are you attracted to her? 

[Wiseman2]

If you feel ready to date again, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

Try not to grab the nearest warm body for company and comfort. Separate business and romance. A nanny/baby-sitter is an employee, so yes, it's inappropriate to go there.

Try to simplify your life a bit. You just broke up with this GF, and even that was messy with hanging out hooking up, etc. And then there's the ex-wife, that's finally calmed down so why stir up trouble?

[PotatoHead]

You're absolutely right.  And my suspicions were correct, she asked about coming to watch that movie last night and I brought up that it could be perceived as inappropriate.  Basically turns out she wanted something physical and even said we could make sure nobody found out and there would be no emotional attachment 🤦‍♂️

I really am trying to simplify things, but I guess I am shooting myself in the foot by not holding firm enough boundaries with women and then it gets out of control.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I really am trying to simplify things, but I guess I am shooting myself in the foot by not holding firm enough boundaries with women and then it gets out of control.

Poor boundaries (and lack of self-awareness) is what kept me in a bad marriage for 32 years, and then drove me to spend another 6-7 years in another horrible relationship. Unless you enjoy the constant drama and conflict that comes with having poor boundaries, I would recommend REALLY taking this time to yourself to work on establishing and maintaining good boundaries. Your first self-imposed boundary should be absolutely NO thought nor exploration of a relationship with a woman until you've sorted through what you really want your life to look like for you and your children.

I cannot tell you how much happier in life I am now that I have done the work to set and maintain some healthy boundaries.

Edited May 3, 2022 by vla1120

[PotatoHead]

I can see that, I am working on holding boundaries with my exes for sure.  By doing so, it seems that contact is becoming less and less.  I'm not sure if maintaining much of a friendship with her will be possible.

As far as my sitter is concerned, I think we can stay friends.  After talking it out, the kids are both of our first priorities and we wouldn't want to let anything happen that would affect them.  We're also in the same place not looking for a relationship or anything, there was just some physical attraction/tension.  Otherwise we do get along really well.

Edited May 4, 2022 by PotatoHead

[ExpatInItaly]

You were wise to draw a boundary there, OP. 

And I think you are going to need to extend that a bit. When she isn't actually needed as a babysitter (ie. when you're not home or you're unavailable to tend to the kids), I would avoid spending so much time together. Yes, it might be nice to have a helping hand around, but does she really need to be included in family events or movie nights? Or having long text conversations about your respective personal lives? 

The lines are getting too blurred here. 

[PotatoHead]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You were wise to draw a boundary there, OP. 

And I think you are going to need to extend that a bit. When she isn't actually needed as a babysitter (ie. when you're not home or you're unavailable to tend to the kids), I would avoid spending so much time together. Yes, it might be nice to have a helping hand around, but does she really need to be included in family events or movie nights? Or having long text conversations about your respective personal lives? 

The lines are getting too blurred here. 

 

I see what you're saying.  Is it necessary?  Of course not.  The kids do love having her there and ask for her all the time, and she enjoys spending time with them too.  But you are saying that her and I cannot have any kind of friendship.  Honestly I feel like just avoiding each other would make things more awkward.

[glows]

Just keep things civil. The issue is that you already know she wanted to sleep with you so whether there are "emotions" there behind that is unknown. Boundaries are already crossed.

Keep your distance and don't be too overly friendly or text late into the night or about topics having nothing to do with her work as a babysitter. If you around her in person just remain civil and professional and move on with the rest of your day, not in the same room all the time. There are subtle ways to convey that in your body language or the way you're not present for inappropriate conversations and so on.