I ended but still felt I did something wrong.

[sparrowb]

Hi, 

It's been roughly a month that we mutually decided to finish. I've dated this guy around 10 months, even if I wanted to end just want to write here, figure out remaining thoughts and his personality, completely move on.

We were from same school but we matched on tinder, when we started to date - everything was great I think I had a crush on him from the first date which is very rare to me. He's 6 years older than me, very successful guy on what he's been working with which I really admire and thought there are lots of things I respect and felt proud of. In the beginning, he made lots of efforts - took me to nice restaurant, introduced me to his friends (pretty early) and even if he works 6 days/week I can see him really trying to show that he is interested in me, wants to hang out with me. And everything was fine until he suddenly told me goodbye after 4 months of dating saying he doesn't know what he wants in life.

I was very sad as this was my first time happened to me, someone telling me to break up all of a sudden. I tried to understand his situation so I followed his choice, but it was tough for me so for two weeks I had a very difficult time. After two weeks, he suddenly came back to me, explaining that life was a lot more fun, he has this bad habit that if something becomes serious, he starts to back away.

He wrote me this long message that he wants to see me again - as I am cool, the nicest and friendliest which he [messed] up and when we met again - I can see him really felt sorry and know that he [messed] up and as I liked him a lot, decided to give him second chance and I also tried not to think about our first break up and moved on from there as that doesn't help our relationship at all.

When I asked him why he came back, his answer was that it was a safe bet which was not that ideal answer.. but well, so we started to see each other again, of course he made more efforts in the beginning but then I went business trip for three weeks, and came back - there was a bit weird situation; one day there was a girl knocked on the door in the middle of the night (2AM) and he explained that she's the girl he used to see casually for years and she used to do that when she's drunk.

I was embarrassed, but still try to understand him - as it's his past and told his to cut off the relationship with her as i don't want to be involved in this awkward this. but when I think back now, he told me he wanted to help her with her job recruitment or so which was a bit weird. and after couple of weeks he again told me he doesn't know what he wants, maybe i am wasting my time, there is some much better guy than him - I tried to convince him to see just what happened and decided myself to just have casual mindset (which was stupid, I know).

As time goes by, our communication becomes a bit issue as my personality is If I really like a person, I become people pleaser, and my love language is giving gift or more of introverted way (write a card) If I feel safe, I can for sure be extrovert and expressive as well but was a bit weird that in this relationship - I can't be myself 100%. He is introvert (more than myself), if his personality is x,y,z he knows and he never willing to change - as I was surprised when we played games with his friends, he skipped his turn as he doesn't want to while it's just for fun and it obviously killed the vibe, he just doesn't care.

I was afraid as he judged others when we are just the two of us, he usually speaks others in bad way and he's negative usually - which is very opposite to me. So I think I was afraid or scared to be judged by him on what I'm doing or saying. Anyway - And he's not also expressive or show affection; think it was just in the beginning to win me.

I sometimes felt confused if he really likes me - one thing he was consistent was calling me (i was not prioritized but he at least try to call me when he's done with work - if i texted him, usually he didn't reply but rather called me which was fine) I still think he liked me, as he introduced me to his parents which he only done with his official girlfriend (one time) and he was always in casual relationship. and the weird this was even he says he doesn't know what he wants - he took me to his friend's wedding afterparty (all of a sudden), asked me to share more, i am hard to read or be more clingy.

As I know myself not good at expressing my feelings I wrote him a letter with my feelings and that i will try to work on it, or sometimes just cute little note and gave him a lot of good gifts haha. In the end, he started to ignore me while he was on family trip - called me telling me i am too nice so cannot build more personal relationships from fall-winter. so then I for sure realized i was wasting my time so ended with him. 

I actually think he's a bit different from other normal men; as he's usually very negative and pessimistic (he think it's so weird that other of his junior people at work think so proud of themselves and excited with their life - which he can simply think it's cute of them or encourage them), never value my positivity, he usually ask me anything fun, interesting happen? giving me pressure if i don't have any new, interesting things happen to my life i will not get attention from him (that's how i think, become a bit concerned). When he's in bad mood he calls me and complain for hours with work (it was okay), one time also told me there's reason that he keeps people around him as they give him inputs.

His life was so fun and good 6 years ago but then now his life is going down continuously, there's no passion or energy, positive with his life. Think he's burnout status as he worked so insanely, persona even is built on his work.

He never showed me any affection, in the beginning yes, but gradually he always told me he's tired. What I liked about him the most was although he was from well off family, he has a lot of money, he was pretty chill and humble with his spending - but as time goes by, I figured out he was also caring superficial stuff - he told me he continues working at current company as people cares about him, it gets attention. So that disappointed me in the end.

And think I was sometimes got hurt from his direct, very honest way of communication as I usually care how the other person will feel so try my best to be nice but of course if it should be very honest opinion i also share - but not good at it (ISFJ). He's very rational, think he doesn't think he has best friends, he just told me he doesn't have best friends but he has some group of friends from where he lived and school, work. 

Is he a narcissist? My friends told him like that but not sure. but i also felt bad as he told me he got bullied when he was young and think he got hurt pretty badly from his first girlfriend. his mom was so busy when he was young - he was taken care by nanny. so i think he doesn't know how to give love or even receive love. He is a bit selfish, stubborn and ye, his ex told him psychopath i think but he also has good traits. He is just not used to be in the environment getting affections like that. 

I know my biggest problem was I tried to understand him all, put him first so most of the time i become yes girl - but of course if I can't handle then I said no or try to sit down and tell my worry or issues to fix. But he has 0 empathy, when i try to share my anxiety around our relationship that we both think i am holding back myself - he said okay i understand the context, that was it - how can I feel free to share my concerns or share more as he wanted?

I think that sudden break up and happening with the girl made me think he's not my person - so i cannot be myself 100%. and think he doesn't know what he's been done, just see our relationship as project at work, there's no results no point to continue - can't understand that this should be slow move, build trust and like that. I am not usually blaming others but when I finish - I told him this was his fault, hope he meets someone similar to him and don't want to see him in any chance haha (which I felt bad) 

Anyway, sorry for such a long story; I these days feel still a bit empathy, sometime blame myself if I should have acted differently, there will be different results... but I know he's not for me so need to move on. Feel free to leave me comments, will be very helpful in my next journey!! Have a great day! 

Edited May 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, paragraphs, typos

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You need to delete and block him. Dragging this out is inhibiting you from moving forward. You're not his therapist so there's no reason for you to spend your time trying to figure him out and fix him.

Is this the same man?:

 

[sparrowb]

@Wiseman2 yes, he is the same guy....! 

[stillafool]

Yes, it's past time to let go, get over and move on from this guy.

[vla1120]

11 hours ago, sparrowb said:

I these days feel still a bit empathy, sometime blame myself if I should have acted differently, there will be different results... but I know he's not for me so need to move on. Feel free to leave me comments, will be very helpful in my next journey!!

I'll give you just a little advice I wish I had listen to when I was much younger. When you embark on your next journey with someone, listen to your intuition and pay attention to the red flags. He was judgmental and negative and that did not match your vibe. You tried to always see the positive, and so you overlooked some of those red flags because you were a people pleaser. You should place as much emphasis on pleasing yourself in a relationship as you do your significant other!! Don't accept anything less than you deserve in a partner.

[smackie9]

He says he's the type to back away.....that right there is a huge red flag. He may have sounded sincere, but I have a sneaking suspicion he backs away because he wants to smash with someone. Then when he's done he comes back with a song and dance. I know this from experience...when they do a 180 (end it all of a sudden) they either have cheated, or do it to make themselves available for someone. Anyways when they back off, you make sure you punt them to the curb for good.