Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 8 minutes ago, Will am I said: Of course you can ask me these questions. I'm happy to provide my perspectives. The episode was painful enough for my wife, let it at least be helpful to others. In my case, most contact went through e-mail. I deleted the e-mails and closed the account that I used for it. I do remember her e-mail address by heart, so I hope that she also closed her address. Guess I'll never know because I'm not e-mailing her anymore. Other methods of reaching my AP have also been discontinued. A full stop with the affair is a prerequisite to work on your marriage. You can't commit to fix the marriage if there is still another door open, even if it's only open by a crack. im so appreciative of you taking the time to answer.. there is no way youd keep it and never use is there, thats still leaving the door open.. the ONLY thing I can think of is that he cares about her or doesnt want to upset her by deleting her, but if it were REALLY over, hed delete her anyway right, hr feelings wouldnt matter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 10 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: the ONLY thing I can think of is that he cares about her or doesnt want to upset her by deleting her, but if it were REALLY over, hed delete her anyway right, hr feelings wouldnt matter Did he tell you this? That he'll delete it but re-added it so as not to upset her? He may delete it but as everyone else has suggested, that doesn't mean their affair is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Did he tell you this? That he'll delete it but re-added it so as not to upset her? He may delete it but as everyone else has suggested, that doesn't mean their affair is over. no he didnt its the only reason i can think of for it being there IF it was over Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 If you are concerned, one possible strategy would be to ask him if he's 100% sure that he's deleted her number and see what he says and gauge his reaction. Be aware that the legality of "snooping" in someone else's phone without their permission varies quite a bit by jurisdiction and can and does get people, even spouses in some cases, in trouble. So, you should probably be cautious with letting him know you know, unless there was (in factual reality) good reason for you to be in his phone with his permission when you "happened to see it" or similar. If you're in the US, many family attorneys will give 1/2 hour initial consults for free, so you might consider signing up for one of these and seeing if they will tell you what the laws WRT cellphone "snooping" with a married spouse in your jurisdiction actually are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 3 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: no he didnt its the only reason i can think of for it being there IF it was over How long have you been married? Did he admit to the affair yet or claim it's over? Why would he be worried about 'upsetting her'? Do they work together? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 44 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: im so appreciative of you taking the time to answer.. there is no way youd keep it and never use is there, thats still leaving the door open.. the ONLY thing I can think of is that he cares about her or doesnt want to upset her by deleting her, but if it were REALLY over, hed delete her anyway right, hr feelings wouldnt matter Copy that number into YOUR phone. And tell your husband that he can get rid of the number and if you ever find it again, that you will hear OW’s side of the story. Radical idea maybe, but it may help for the short term. obviously, your husbands will be embarrassed about the whole situation… that might keep them on the right track. Again I advise you to take a little bit of rest, and then when the initial panic fades, look at your boundaries and your reasons to either stay or go. Only when you have that clear, it makes sense to discuss your approach for rhe longer term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, Will am I said: Copy that number into YOUR phone. And tell your husband that he can get rid of the number and if you ever find it again, that you will hear OW’s side of the story. Radical idea maybe, but it may help for the short term. obviously, your husbands will be embarrassed about the whole situation… that might keep them on the right track. Again I advise you to take a little bit of rest, and then when the initial panic fades, look at your boundaries and your reasons to either stay or go. Only when you have that clear, it makes sense to discuss your approach for rhe longer term. thats a good idea. if you had decided to keep your ap email etc..was that because you erent really done? i kno you didnt do this i just mean if you did Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 Letting go is hard, especially when you’re in love. The desire to keep contact details probably comes forth out of these feelings. it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is contact right now. I think it is safe to say that it means there is the desire for contact. At least on the side of your husband. From your perspective that can only mean one thing: if you want a shot at fixing your marriage the number has to go. because you cannot truly begin to fix your marriage if his heart is still straying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 17 minutes ago, Will am I said: Letting go is hard, especially when you’re in love. The desire to keep contact details probably comes forth out of these feelings. it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is contact right now. I think it is safe to say that it means there is the desire for contact. At least on the side of your husband. From your perspective that can only mean one thing: if you want a shot at fixing your marriage the number has to go. because you cannot truly begin to fix your marriage if his heart is still straying. its really weird, i dont know if its because i havent slept and this is pribably going to sound like a reach but here it is. my husband has never been very active on instagram he has 8 followers (few of his pals from work and me) but recently he has been more active in following accounts. sports, home/diy mainly..but it makes me wonder if he is trying to fill some sort of void if he is infact not currently speaking to her..but plans to or hopes to hence the keeping of the number. by the way ive checked if she is on instagram and shes not but also ive looked at the accounts hes following they are all famous celebs/diy etc. his provile is also private Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, Will am I said: Copy that number into YOUR phone. And tell your husband that he can get rid of the number and if you ever find it again, that you will hear OW’s side of the story. Unorthodox but clever. I like it. Or just call from your number and tell her who you are. You seem to do a lot of scanning through his accounts and devices, so you've clearly been hurt and become vigilant. The sad part is even if he keeps/deletes her number, it des not repair your marriage or trust or peace. Because you'll still never know if he is still cheating with her someone else, etc. Did he ever admit to the cheating? For example he may use another number and list his lovers under "Joe" or "Autoparts". Edited May 2, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, Will am I said: His age? 36 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 8 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: its really weird, i dont know if its because i havent slept and this is pribably going to sound like a reach but here it is. my husband has never been very active on instagram he has 8 followers (few of his pals from work and me) but recently he has been more active in following accounts. sports, home/diy mainly..but it makes me wonder if he is trying to fill some sort of void if he is infact not currently speaking to her..but plans to or hopes to hence the keeping of the number. by the way ive checked if she is on instagram and shes not but also ive looked at the accounts hes following they are all famous celebs/diy etc. his provile is also private During this time, you'll start rehashing everything he has said and done (and does in the future) and try to determine whether it was out of character, did/does it have something to do with the OW, etc. Do you have a therapist? It might help you during this time. Something else that might help you is to keep a journal. For me, at least, writing down my thoughts was very therapeutic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 1 hour ago, smallclouds88 said: the ONLY thing I can think of is that he cares about her or doesnt want to upset her by deleting her, That's still pretty bad, though. That indicates he's more worried about upsetting his mistress than his own wife. That says it all. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, vla1120 said: During this time, you'll start rehashing everything he has said and done (and does in the future) and try to determine whether it was out of character, did/does it have something to do with the OW, etc. Do you have a therapist? It might help you during this time. Something else that might help you is to keep a journal. For me, at least, writing down my thoughts was very therapeutic. i know, i feel like im looking into every detail. we recently moved house and thats why hes become more interested in diy accounts...but part of me just feels like hes filling a void in regards to that woman Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's still pretty bad, though. That indicates he's more worried about upsetting his mistress than his own wife. That says it all. 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: That's still pretty bad, though. That indicates he's more worried about upsetting his mistress than his own wife. That says it all. yup if thats the case it shows hes more interested in her feelings than his own wife. what would you do if you were in his situation. if you wanted to keep it going with her would you keep all her details? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 Just now, smallclouds88 said: what would you do if you were in his situation. if you wanted to keep it going with her would you keep all her details? I'm a woman, but yes, if I'd had an affair and wanted to keep it going, I would keep my OM's contact details. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'm a woman, but yes, if I'd had an affair and wanted to keep it going, I would keep my OM's contact details. apologies! andi im assuming if it was over youd delete? sorry i know im focusing i just need to know other people think the same as me, my anxiety is through the roof Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 1 minute ago, smallclouds88 said: im assuming if it was over youd delete? sorry i know im focusing i just need to know other people think the same as me, my anxiety is through the roof Has he admitted the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 10 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: apologies! andi im assuming if it was over youd delete? Yes, exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 1 minute ago, smallclouds88 said: apologies! andi im assuming if it was over youd delete? sorry i know im focusing i just need to know other people think the same as me, my anxiety is through the roof Part of the reason your anxiety is through the roof is because (aside from the fact that he had the affair in the first place) he hasn't deleted her contact info though he has no reason to keep her contact info if the affair is truly over. This fact is hurting you and causing you this anxiety. Every thought you are having is perfectly normal in this situation. As your husband and as the one who betrayed you, it is HIS job to do everything possible to put you at ease and prove to you that he is 100% in the marriage. Have the two of you discussed marriage counseling? How are you feeling about his reactions to your concerns? I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a multi-faceted issue that will take time and patience if he wants to rebuilt your trust, and he has to start NOW, and the most simple way to start is by deleting her contact info from his phone for YOUR peace of mind (even if that means he still has other avenues to contact her). If he is not willing to do that, it's going to be a long, hard road. Like I said, he should be bending over backwards to rebuild your trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 Does your husband know that you are aware of this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 As Bailey ask, is he aware you know? If yes, is her contact info saved under her real name? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smallclouds88 Posted May 2, 2022 Author Share Posted May 2, 2022 44 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Does your husband know that you are aware of this relationship? he thinks i think it was deleted the first time i caught him Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said: he thinks i think it was deleted the first time i caught him Is he a serial cheater? Did he tell you he deleted it? Did he delete it then add it back after lying low for a while? You stated he did that when you posted this same verbatim story under the other username. Edited May 2, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
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