Is he just playing?

[malachite0]

Hello, I have a dilemma for quite a while.  I`m working with this guy for over 1 year and his behaviour confuses me more and more. He`s a very lively guy, with an electrifying energy and a charismatic personality. Quite childish though, looking for fun and rather scared of commitment, has `carpe diem` written all over him. Soon after we met, he started to show off a lot (and still does), casually checking if I`m paying attention. Seems to flaunt his body (catching him shirtless many times…) and skills when I`m around... we do not spend much time together outside work though. He asked me to join him and his friends a couple of times but I had to refuse which did not help.

Our communication became more efficient this year as we managed to spend more time working together. We have all sorts of conversations, nothing too deep though, but we`re always joking and laughing. He is happy to see me, usually greeting me with a wicked smile. Pretty intense eye contact and genuine smiles, and even though I feel quite relaxed in his company, there`s still a constant tension in the air.

Recently and very suddenly, he started to tease me a lot, about everything he can basically. In a playful way, of course but seems to enjoy mocking me. Not sure what was the trigger for that but it`s one of those moments when I realise how childish he is. Threw some sexual stuff in our chats too, recently. Also, he always looks surprised when I compliment him (maybe he thinks I do not admire/notice everything he does?). He says he forgets many things, but still remembers all sorts of little details about me/things that we did. Just to summarize it, is pretty much a hot and cold game, that became tiring…

A while ago, he told me (in a vague way) that he feels close to me. I felt that from the very beginning and I can still feel there are things to be said and done. He`s open and honest around me but never told me about other girls (although I`m pretty sure he had some for fun).

 

Unfortunately for myself, I fell hard for him from the start… To make it worse, just seeing him makes me happy (which never happened to me). And it`s becoming more and more difficult, from an emotional point of view, because I am very confused and frustrated about the whole thing.  

We seem to have a good dynamic overall, our career paths are similar and complementary, share the same core values and have common interests.  Yet, I am so far away from tackling this thing…

I admit it may be my fault to an extent, since guys in general do not know how to approach me, I am a sturdy tomboy who does not display many feelings. With him is tricky though, as I find myself smiling all the time and can`t help it. But he seems to do the same…

Now, I honestly do not know what to do. If he wanted me, I think he wouldn`t have been fooling around like this.  At the same time, he knows I am different and I am not a fan of being `friends with benefits` and the main thing he wants is fun. Also, saying you like a co-worker and being rejected is risky enough as you`ll see each other daily (that`s why I`m afraid to make a move). He might just be as confuse as I am, don`t know… And I feel like I should change the approach. He`s probably not ready for something serious but neither am I, so the only thing I want is to understand what`s happening and maybe work it out. I`d like to just go with the flow and see what happens. Just continue the teasing game. But my patience is limited and I start to doubt myself.

Any ideas/opinions about the whole thing?      P.S. we`re both in our twenties.

[Gaeta]

He's just looking in getting you into bed. I would stay away from him. Your piece of mind at work is more important than a roll in the hay. This will end badly, you'll have fun, he's gonna move on seducing the next girl, your feelings will be hurt, you'll see him every day flirting with other women, it will make your days a living hell. Think ahead. Not worth it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, malachite0 said:

catching him shirtless many times…... we do not spend much time together outside work though. we`re both in our twenties.

It seems like he's just the workplace flirt. What type of workplace is this that he struts around shirtless?

Ignore him and act friendly and professional with everyone at work. Date outside of work.

[ShyViolet]

This guy is interested in endlessly flirting, acting childish and teasing you, but it doesn't sound like he's interested in growing up and asking you on a proper date or expressing serious interest.  If there was potential here, he would have asked you out or made a move by now.  It definitely sounds like he's just playing games and not mature enough for an actual relationship.  I wouldn't waste my energy on this guy.

[stillafool]

A guy who is interested in dating you would ask you out on a date where it's just the two of you so he can be alone with you.  This guy seems to be like to flirt and joke around at work to make it more fun and pass time.  If what he's doing is feeding your crush distance yourself from him.  How do you know he's scared of commitment?

[malachite0]

Thanks for the replies, guys. Looks like you`re all on the same line.

I`m quite inexperienced when it comes to dating in general, and this stupid game doesn`t help. Makes me wonder many times if there`s something wrong with me... 

@Wiseman2, we`re into silviculture/forestry, so plenty of time spend outside, quite isolated, so staying shirtless is not a big deal. Of course, if there`s no audience, he doesn`t do it. 

@Gaeta, @stillafool it`s already difficult since I see him everyday and I like my work too much to ditch it just because of that. And the whole thing messes up my mind so badly, it become obsessive really. Mainly because of this grey area that confuses me, all the little moments that give me hope and then the inevitable disappointment. And I hate it, since I`m very  contained and know that I shouldn`t have any expectances. And I hardly fall for people. Yet, I find myself stuck and drained of energy. Isolation plays a big role here I believe, since he`s one of the very few people I interact with.  @stillafool, I can feel it, there`s something about his actions that give it away. He`s told me at some point too, that he doesn`t want to commit in general. 

@ShyViolet, that`s what I thought as well... He manages to go from being serious and looking mature to acting childish in seconds, so I never really know what to expect. Each time when we get `emotionally closer` (by having a certain conversation for example), something seems to slip, he`s fidgeting a lot and looks nervous.

Again, I just wonder if is simply a game and nothing else. or there`s some sort of potential but he`s too immature and awkward to do something about it. And maybe takes me for granted, knows that I`m a safe backup option, but prefers to have fun at the moment... 

Anyway, I`ll have a hard time to brush it off. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, malachite0 said:

we`re into silviculture/forestry, so plenty of time spend outside, quite isolated, so staying shirtless is not a big deal. Of course, if there`s no audience, he doesn`t do it. 

Do you mean you both work in this field? You don't know what he does when there's "no audience" because you're not there.

Overall you seem to describe him as conceited and immature. However he does not seem interested in dating.

Edited May 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, malachite0 said:

I can feel it, there`s something about his actions that give it away. He`s told me at some point too, that he doesn`t want to commit in general. 

So you really don't know for sure and neither does he.  Just because he isn't in a commited relationship or doesn't want to commit does not mean he does not date or get sex.  Like I said if he's interested he will ask you out unless it's forbidden where you work.

[Weezy1973]

Unlike most folks, I don’t really have a problem dating someone you work with. You see the same people everyday and attraction and romance are bound to happen. At my previous job multiple relationships and marriages sprung out of work place romances. 
 

That being said, this guy is a flirt and likes attention. He likes having women get crushes on him. And if you’re the elusive tomboy, gaining your attraction might be a conquest of his. There are some folks that place a lot of value on their ability to attract the opposite sex. Usually they have major issues, but that aside I think the major problem here are your growing obsessive thoughts about him. 
 

In my mind there are a couple things you can do. One is quit the job. There are likely tons of opportunities for you in your field.  Another is to confront him. There is an element of risk of course, but just willing yourself to stop thinking about the thing your obsessed with rarely works. If only it were so easy. I’ve long held that crushes are giant time wasters. If you’re interested in him, ask him out on a date. You’ll get your answer either way.

[malachite0]

@Wiseman2, many times I just come without notice and all of a sudden he does that. It`s just like I remind him about it. Other times, he`s not aware I`m working around, so he does not bother. Might be just coincidence, but I doubt it since it happens often. 

@Weezy1973, I think you can discover  someone way better in a workplace, interacting with them daily and seeing how they deal with their tasks, rather than meeting someone one time at a party for example. I know they say you shouldn`t date co-workers but I`m sure there are cases where everything works fine. After all, we spend so much time of our lives working. 

I was thinking about being straightforward and just ask what`s going on, but at the same time, if it goes wrong and things get weird, I`ll probably regret it everyday. I`m very pleased with the place/job itself, so I`d rather struggle a while and learn to overcome it (although it`s already one year...).  It`s really a matter of what I would regret most, to say something and clarify the situation and deal with the possible consequences or just keep quiet and pretend it does not affect me. And maybe end up ignoring the whole thing after a while. 

How about getting into the game and trying to `play the player`? Maybe I could reveal his intentions that way at least. And try to sort out my mind somehow. 

[smackie9]

Guys don't get confused, they get horny. He's trying to get into your pants. I have been there. When I worked at a night club, this one bouncer in particular tried to make moves on me all the time but I kept rejecting him. He had np having women chase him, so to him I was a mystery/challenge to him. He just couldn't handle it. The more I ignored him the more he tried. I think this guy is just being the same way. He's trying everything to get your trust. Don't go their hun. 

[introverted1]

On 5/1/2022 at 1:17 PM, malachite0 said:

Recently and very suddenly, he started to tease me a lot, about everything he can basically. In a playful way, of course but seems to enjoy mocking me.

My read on this is that he is aware of your attraction for him and he's having some fun with it. 

You work in the out-of-doors with (apparently) not that many other people.  This flirtation is a way to make the time pass more quickly for him.  If you're up for it, he's likely willing to have sex with you.  But it does not sound as though he has any interest in properly dating you and/or forming a relationship with you. 

[NuevoYorko]

Is anything even happening?  I'm not getting that from your post.  People flirting around at work ... happens all day, every day.  If he's interested in trying to date / sex you, he'll make a move.  Obviously he's forward enough for that.  Otherwise it's just fun and games.