Unlikeable/Excluded

[BUBS]

I don't know what is wrong with me but for most of my life I've always felt kind of second string/loner in my relationships (Friends, Coworkers, Superiors). 

I have always been the first one laid off when work slows down regardless of the length of time I have been there or how good my work is. At my current position, I get forgotten frequently in company emails  (I've worked at my job for 3 years and there are less than 15 employees)  I manage one of the biggest clients in my office.  While I work from home as do the other employees aside from the owner, office manager and one other, I do go to client meetings/lunches with the owner several times a year when they are in town. I also have made myself present for every company outing I've been informed of. When I'm out with them I make an effort to socialize, be energetic and upbeat and do my best to discuss their personal lives and interests over my own. Every single time a company email goes out I am either the last person in copy or the person who referred me to the position through my secondary employer forwards the events to me where the office manager and others do not remember to include me. I speak to the Office manager at least once a week usually but she is very cliquey with other office staff in comparison. Many chats/ emails to her go unanswered when they come from me for whatever reason. During holidays we usually have a partial day before the weekend of the holiday and there have been dozens of times where she forgets to include me in notifications. I've looked to see if maybe she works off a contact list type thing that I was just never added to but it doesnt seem to be the case. Internally Im very neurotic I guess (clearly looking to see where I land on their thought process the way I am)  likely from the many rejections I've experienced, but again I can't recall a time where I outwardly made myself appear desperate or insecure about my like-ability in this scenario.  

And oh boy do I wish it was just with work. I feel this way with every "friend" I've ever had too, like I have to put forth a lot of effort to be remembered or included in activities in general. Some examples of this - 

A semi mutual friends girlfriend hosts a local gig in our hometown.  I asked a close friend I've had for 20+ years to go and she was happy to oblige and said she planned on attending anyway. When we went out she discussed with great detail many many different activities shes been to and done with mutual friends recently and I had not been invited to any of them.

She also randomly mentioned that another "best" friend was hosting a memorial day party. She asked if I had heard about it as it had been in the works for over a month. This other friend I've known for 25 years. I had not heard anything about it. To add insult to injury he lives in duplex house with my other friend/secondary employer and I have been over there working three times in the last month, seen them both and neither mentioned it to me. 

She proceeded to also tell me that my other friend, who I used to consider to be my closest friend and have known the same length of time,  would be in town from out of state for 10 days at the end of May. I had spoken to this other friend two days ago (I reached out of course) and she did not mention she was coming to town at all. 

Another friend who I basically lived with for two years reached out I assume drunk last week in the middle of the night and said he wanted to stop by and see my new place the following day (My spouse and bought our first home a year ago and I've had one person take the time to come and visit since for an hour). I was excited and we confirmed the following morning when he was more sober. I cleaned the entire house and then he never answered my text. He was on social media quite a bit afterthefact.

Another friend (I feel redundant putting lengths of time here but lets just say everyone I'm talking about I've known for at least a decade but more like two since grade school) is getting married in May. Someone I considered myself to be close with throughout the duration of knowing one another. And I was the only person in our friend group not invited to his wedding. I have tried to justify this and give him credit because I dated his bride to be's brother a decade ago and it was not the best relationship, but its hard to justify because I have been to numerous events with all of them (my ex included ) over the last 10 years and there has never been a problem. I also get along with his sister. Additionally my ex is in a five year relationship, getting married this year and owns a home with his spouse and I too am engaged in a nearly five year relationship and own a home with mine. I thought maybe it was going to be a smaller more intimate wedding which I could get not being invited to but it isn't and people he barely seems to have a relationship are invited. 

 

I know all of these things are very very small and petty but they have been ongoing my entire life.  I know each and every one of them could be explained that we are all adults, have our own lives and shouldn't expect anything from anyone. Or that maybe I just have crappy friends and a crappy manager/job. But obviously if it keeps happening to only me and everyone else seems to be effortlessly maintaining their relationships, then I'm clearly the problem.  I feel like I apply so much emotional energy and especially time into trying to cultivate long lasting relationships and appreciation at work and that the real reason is just that I am totally unlikeable. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. try to make more friends, especially outside of work .Place these people in the acquaintance folder and step back.

Take some classes and courses. Join some clubs and groups. Volunteer. Get a side job. Get involved in sports, health, better nutrition and fitness.

People outgrow each other that's why it's good to get out there and meet more like-minded people.

[SingFish]

6 hours ago, BUBS said:

I feel like I apply so much emotional energy and especially time into trying to cultivate long lasting relationships and appreciation at work and that the real reason is just that I am totally unlikeable. 

More likely you are very giving and people don't feel the need to suck up or impress you in some of those situations! 

Step back a bit. Also don't take things personally, cultivate a strong sense of self and resilience, people can be unthinking and selfish sometimes, we all get on the receiving end of that.

[Happy Lemming]

Co-workers are not friends, they don't even need to be friendly (in my opinion) and usually are not.  Until the payroll department forgets to direct deposit my pay or mail my paycheck, I could care less if I'm excluded from company functions, etc.  Given the chance, a co-worker will stab you in the back to get ahead.  For me, I learned very early on to compartmentalize work from personal life and never the two shall meet.

We've all had crappy jobs and crappy bosses, that is just part of life.  This is why you save for retirement, so there will be a day when you don't have to go to work and put up with other people and other personalities.  I learned over the years NOT to go that extra mile, do your job, complete the task, but don't be Dudley Do-Right and go overboard trying to impress your boss/owner of the company.  They really could care less.  When it is time for lay-offs due to a down turn in business, ownership just looks at the numbers... It's not personal, it's a business decision based on your pay scale and what they can save. 

As for friends, if I don't feel I'm being treated fairly in a friendship, I dissolve it.  Just like a dating relationship, when it stops being fun, it is time for it to end.

If a so-called "friend" fails to invite you to a function that you might have liked & should have been included in, then they are really not a friend.  A think the term you are looking for is acquaintance. 

[vla1120]

On 4/29/2022 at 4:39 PM, BUBS said:

I feel like I apply so much emotional energy and especially time into trying to cultivate long lasting relationships and appreciation at work and that the real reason is just that I am totally unlikeable.

I doubt that you are "totally unlikeable." My daughter used to feel this way from the time she was in high school, college and up until she got to be about 28 years old. My opinion is that she was always a people pleaser and perhaps slightly socially awkward and very self-conscious. When she finally stopped caring what everyone thought and started carrying herself with confidence and self-assurance, those problems were resolved on their own. Now, she has a group of great friends who include her in everything and she has moved into a managerial position at work. She does not care so much anymore what people think of her, and she won't waste her time with people who do not give her the same respect and consideration she gives them.

Could this be part of what you are experiencing? Perhaps talking to a therapist to work through any self-confidence issues you may have might work for you.