Difficulty envisioning our future together (updated)

[IrinaM]

Girl cut this loser out of your life!!!

What's in this for YOU?? What do you get out of it? He sounds like a complete creep. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he really is a DV perp with a substance abuse past just like his wife says. Sis you don't want to wind up feeling stupid a few years from now.

You are the new girlfriend who keeps listing very strange things about him and then saying "but he's so amazing!" and "he really loves me!"

She is the psycho ex who has children with him, is willing to go to court to try to keep those kids away from him, left him "for no reason," goes on rampages, and all of his friends and family don't like.

Think about it. Which of you two has the accurate view of him, and which has the distorted view?

**sorry for harshness, please know it was done with love!**

[LookingForLongTermLove]

Good morning everyone. First of all, I greatly appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply here. I know everyone's lives are busy, and you don't need to help a complete stranger with their relationship issues, so thank you!

For those who commented on the ex wife: I, of course, am not in her shoes and for sure only have one side of the story. He had children with her and lived with her for 20 years, so clearly she wasn't all bad! And she seems to be a very caring mother and the kids worship her, so she must be doing something right. It does appear that she is badmouthing him to the kids a lot. I understand that instinct - I have been caught a few times doing this with my kids too, and then immediately caught myself - but it's not right to do that no matter what you believe about the other person. It makes it difficult for the other parent to have a healthy relationship with their children. That's my opinion in any case. I have also seen some of the interactions between the two of them and she is not acting in good faith in this divorce. For example, he recently asked her for furniture for his new apartment, and she sent him a series of nasty texts on the issue, basically saying that she's keeping everything. This is why he's going to Trial. It's very unfortunate, as well as exhausting.

My take on the ex is as follow: she has a history of trauma which clouds a lot of her reasoning and interactions, and creates emotional insecurities that cause her to often act irrationally. Out of fear. She is also from what I understand quite introverted, and for this reason she doesn't have many friends, and her family is far away. So she probably feels quite lonely and miserable. She doesn't want to meet in person to discuss things. She only wants to discuss things through lawyers or a parenting app. This makes me think that she might still be in love with him, and perhaps has some regrets.

But beyond how his relationship with her affects my relationship with him, I am really trying to take a step back here from that issue. His mother talks of her often - stories of her poor behaviour etc (my mom does the same thing about my ex to him... so not cool!), and set some boundaries on that topic with her. I simply told her that I would prefer to start a new chapter than dwell on the old one. She got the hint immediately.

As for my relationship with him overall, to be honest, I have done a fair share of dating before my ex husband and after him. I know what's out there! My guy, he's not perfect at all, and the drama has been exhausting. But besides all this crap, our relationship is very good. I feel that I can be myself with him, and that if something bothers me, we can discuss it and he'll listen and take my point of view into consideration. He then takes a long time to think about things which I find difficult sometimes as I'm not the most patient person, but he'll usually come back with a well thought through response, and I really appreciate that. He has a stormy past with his ex, and he's made mistakes, but he's a good man and a good partner.

That being said, the timing of our meeting was not ideal. I would have much preferred to meet once his court ordeal is over. His ongoing legal issues are weighing on our relationship, even if he tries to not get me involved in all the details and I try to keep a distance from it. Especially the last few months getting ready for a June court date have been taxing, and the thing will start again in December as he is preparing for Trial. Furthermore, his ongoing conflict with the ex has made certain aspects of our lives difficult, such as the kids not knowing that I'm his partner (although we further discussed this since I posted here, and we agreed that we will tell them by Christmas thus giving them a chance to get to know me better and make up their own minds without any drama from the ex). And these things often feel to me as him not being committed to the relationship, although in my rational mind I know that this is not about me, but about the Trial. It still sucks though.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

My take on the ex is as follow: she has a history of trauma which clouds a lot of her reasoning and interactions, and creates emotional insecurities that cause her to often act irrationally. Out of fear. She is also from what I understand quite introverted, and for this reason she doesn't have many friends, and her family is far away. So she probably feels quite lonely and miserable. She doesn't want to meet in person to discuss things. She only wants to discuss things through lawyers or a parenting app. This makes me think that she might still be in love with him, and perhaps has some regrets.

His wife is not your concern and what you know about her is just hearsay.

13 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I would have much preferred to meet once his court ordeal is over. His ongoing legal issues are weighing on our relationship, even if he tries to not get me involved in all the details and I try to keep a distance from it.

Why don't you wait until his court ordeal is over, he's actually divorced and custody is in place and everyone is aware of your relationship before you guys uproot those kids lives.

 

17 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

For example, he recently asked her for furniture for his new apartment, and she sent him a series of nasty texts on the issue, basically saying that she's keeping everything. This is why he's going to Trial.

Really?  The furniture is probably what the kids sleep and sit on and have for a while. When she has them through custoday agreement that is still where they'll sleep and sit when with her.   He's going to court over this instead of buying new furniture for his place?  Can this guy do anything for himself?  He sounds like a complete LOSER!

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Good morning everyone. First of all, I greatly appreciate everyone that has taken the time to reply here. I know everyone's lives are busy, and you don't need to help a complete stranger with their relationship issues, so thank you!

For those who commented on the ex wife: I, of course, am not in her shoes and for sure only have one side of the story. He had children with her and lived with her for 20 years, so clearly she wasn't all bad! And she seems to be a very caring mother and the kids worship her, so she must be doing something right. It does appear that she is badmouthing him to the kids a lot. I understand that instinct - I have been caught a few times doing this with my kids too, and then immediately caught myself - but it's not right to do that no matter what you believe about the other person. It makes it difficult for the other parent to have a healthy relationship with their children. That's my opinion in any case. I have also seen some of the interactions between the two of them and she is not acting in good faith in this divorce. For example, he recently asked her for furniture for his new apartment, and she sent him a series of nasty texts on the issue, basically saying that she's keeping everything. This is why he's going to Trial. It's very unfortunate, as well as exhausting.

My take on the ex is as follow: she has a history of trauma which clouds a lot of her reasoning and interactions, and creates emotional insecurities that cause her to often act irrationally. Out of fear. She is also from what I understand quite introverted, and for this reason she doesn't have many friends, and her family is far away. So she probably feels quite lonely and miserable. She doesn't want to meet in person to discuss things. She only wants to discuss things through lawyers or a parenting app. This makes me think that she might still be in love with him, and perhaps has some regrets.

But beyond how his relationship with her affects my relationship with him, I am really trying to take a step back here from that issue. His mother talks of her often - stories of her poor behaviour etc (my mom does the same thing about my ex to him... so not cool!), and set some boundaries on that topic with her. I simply told her that I would prefer to start a new chapter than dwell on the old one. She got the hint immediately.

As for my relationship with him overall, to be honest, I have done a fair share of dating before my ex husband and after him. I know what's out there! My guy, he's not perfect at all, and the drama has been exhausting. But besides all this crap, our relationship is very good. I feel that I can be myself with him, and that if something bothers me, we can discuss it and he'll listen and take my point of view into consideration. He then takes a long time to think about things which I find difficult sometimes as I'm not the most patient person, but he'll usually come back with a well thought through response, and I really appreciate that. He has a stormy past with his ex, and he's made mistakes, but he's a good man and a good partner.

That being said, the timing of our meeting was not ideal. I would have much preferred to meet once his court ordeal is over. His ongoing legal issues are weighing on our relationship, even if he tries to not get me involved in all the details and I try to keep a distance from it. Especially the last few months getting ready for a June court date have been taxing, and the thing will start again in December as he is preparing for Trial. Furthermore, his ongoing conflict with the ex has made certain aspects of our lives difficult, such as the kids not knowing that I'm his partner (although we further discussed this since I posted here, and we agreed that we will tell them by Christmas thus giving them a chance to get to know me better and make up their own minds without any drama from the ex). And these things often feel to me as him not being committed to the relationship, although in my rational mind I know that this is not about me, but about the Trial. It still sucks though.

Continue remaining detached from his custody issues and court outcome. If you want to keep seeing him, that is up to you. Becoming too close or intimate with someone like this is impossible as he's too preoccupied with other worries and conflicts. 

It's good that you told his mother to stop harping about the past or gossiping about his ex-wife. That is extremely inappropriate. I understand some people have the need to let off steam about others but she should never have opened her mouth to gossip about his ex-wife or the mother of her grandchildren. If your boyfriend does the same about his ex-wife, enforce better boundaries as well and mention you'd like to focus on the present. 

I'm sure he's distinctly aware about how this is affecting  you and your relationship together. He may choose not to continue dating you regardless and you'll have to be comfortable with that outcome. He doesn't seem ready for a long term or committed relationship. You are good support for him but what you receive in return may not always be what you're hoping for, leaving you feeling dissatisfied and frustrated.

 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Really?  The furniture is probably what the kids sleep and sit on and have for a while. When she has them through custoday agreement that is still where they'll sleep and sit when with her.   He's going to court over this instead of buying new furniture for his place?  Can this guy do anything for himself?  He sounds like a complete LOSER!

I disagree on this. Sharing assets in divorce is pretty basic as no one can afford to replace EVERYTHING. Sharing assets means that each person gets to keep some and has to buy some. Yes, things kids sleep and sit on either at her place or his. What's the difference? Why is it better at her place. Not sure I follow this logic or why someone is a looser because they want half the furniture in divorce.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm sure he's distinctly aware about how this is affecting  you and your relationship together. He may choose not to continue dating you regardless and you'll have to be comfortable with that outcome. He doesn't seem ready for a long term or committed relationship. You are good support for him but what you receive in return may not always be what you're hoping for, leaving you feeling dissatisfied and frustrated.

Yes and yes. He is aware of how his situation affects me and it affects him that it affects me, and we had many conversations on how he can make this easier on me. He's genuinely a good person stuck in a bad situation. I disagree that he's not ready for a long term relationship, I think he is. But his situation makes it hard to plan things or commit to things in the future since he doesn't know what his custody situation will be like, and how this will affect - positively or negatively - his financial situation. So planning is pretty much out, which makes it difficult for a relationship to progress in a natural way.

So, yes, what I receive in return at the moment is not as much as I put in. And that is definitely part of the source of my discontent. I see this as a future investment (not to say that they are no benefits in the present). If you take away this legal battle, he is without a doubt the perfect partner. But the legal battle is weighing down on me also, even when he tries to keep me out of it. He gets preoccupied and periodically looses sleep over issues. So, it affects me whether me or him want it or not.

[glows]

Just now, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Yes and yes. He is aware of how his situation affects me and it affects him that it affects me, and we had many conversations on how he can make this easier on me. He's genuinely a good person stuck in a bad situation. I disagree that he's not ready for a long term relationship, I think he is. But his situation makes it hard to plan things or commit to things in the future since he doesn't know what his custody situation will be like, and how this will affect - positively or negatively - his financial situation. So planning is pretty much out, which makes it difficult for a relationship to progress in a natural way.

So, yes, what I receive in return at the moment is not as much as I put in. And that is definitely part of the source of my discontent. I see this as a future investment (not to say that they are no benefits in the present). If you take away this legal battle, he is without a doubt the perfect partner. But the legal battle is weighing down on me also, even when he tries to keep me out of it. He gets preoccupied and periodically looses sleep over issues. So, it affects me whether me or him want it or not.

I was involved with a married person before he was divorced, by the way. Some of the issues you describe are similar as the divorce wasn't finalized. I thought similarly to you. "Yes, of course he's ready for a relationship but...". Notice there are conditions to your statements and "buts".

If he brings up furniture again, suggest he purchase new furniture for his place. Tell him to try not to pick fights or look for issues. The point is to maintain a healthy co-parenting agreement and dynamic with his ex-wife, not to keep throwing fuel onto the fire. Put fires out, don't keep creating them. 

You maybe upset with his situation and the way your relationship with him isn't progressing so adjust the way you attach yourself to the matter and put some distance between the two of you. Your families can't comingle as much right now due to issues so be at peace with that and respect his space or what he requests (your kids and their knowledge about your relationship). Living together is premature and him living next door is him also putting all his eggs in one basket. If he breaks up with you, he also has to communicate with you as the owner of the property. He's risking quite a bit in an already risky or unstable and heightened emotional situation. Further, his children will be further from their school. Being a mother yourself, I'm sure you understand that being close to school makes things a lot easier. 

Even if he agrees to move to your property next door, I'd be concerned about the resulting issues afterwards and reservations he has or any inconveniences to him and his ex-wife. It's possible you may be jumping from the kettle to the frying pan on that one and only increasing your stress and frustration in the long run.

 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

She's probably not an a**h*** either, but just bitter about the situation and dealing with her own demons.

I don't see why she would be the one to be bitter.  She's the one who wanted the divorce not him.  Are you sure it's not the other way around?

What was the out come of the June court hearing?

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I disagree on this. Sharing assets in divorce is pretty basic as no one can afford to replace EVERYTHING. Sharing assets means that each person gets to keep some and has to buy some. Yes, things kids sleep and sit on either at her place or his. What's the difference? Why is it better at her place. Not sure I follow this logic or why someone is a looser because they want half the furniture in divorce.

When I've divorced I left everything, and I'm a woman.  I just wanted to go.  If I were a married father I would sleep on the floor before I took furniture out of my marital home where my kids lived.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

For those who commented to end the relationship, although this relationship is perhaps not perfect (but then again, is there such a thing?), I don't really have any intention to end the relationship, rather to find a way to make this more bearable for me, until his issues get resolved.

@glows I really like your comment about not throwing oil on the fire. I totally agree!! His ex is doing that a lot, but then he gets frustrated and does it too. It's hard not to be frustrated, for example with the furniture stuff. I see his reasoning of not wanting to spend thousands of dollars on new furniture when technically he should be getting half of the furniture they purchased together. But is this worth aggravating an already difficult situation? Is it not better to just buy new furniture and show the receipts at the Trial and take this into account when the sharing of the assets gets finalized? Choose your battles, right?

I actually brought this up with him yesterday. His next Court date is in December to get the first step to Trial going. I told him that I needed a 6-month break from this, and so does he. WE need a 6-month break! And perhaps instead of fighting with her on every single issue until then, simply take notes and use it as proof in Court and let the judge decide. He actually agreed that this was a good plan, so hopefully that will work out!

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I told him that I needed a 6-month break from this, and so does he. WE need a 6-month break!  He actually agreed that this was a good plan

Good call . He is going to burn you out with his righteousness, selfishness, drama and hostility. Keep in mind, his ex may be "crazy", but he contributes greatly to the drama by fighting her tooth and nail. It's sad he uses his kids as pawns. That is another major red flag. This will give you a chance to reflect how toxic he is so you can end it and move forward.

Edited July 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[LookingForLongTermLove]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call . He is going to burn you out with his righteousness, selfishness, drama and hostility. Keep in mind, his ex may be "crazy", but he contributes greatly to the drama by fighting her tooth and nail. It's sad he uses his kids as pawns. That is another major red flag.

I disagree that he uses his kids as pawns. Why do you say that? In fact, it's mostly his ex that does this. For example, he asked about furniture and she was upset that he was asking, so she canceled two of his visits this week without giving a reason, clearly to "punish" him. I do agree that the kids are in the middle of this, and it's very unfortunate for them. I also agree that he also contributes to the drama. Not to defend him, but I know what this can feel like. I've had dramas with my ex as well, and sometimes when you are continuously provoked, it's hard to not let it get to you, and feeling a bit vengeful too!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/6/2022 at 4:28 PM, LookingForLongTermLove said:

She doesn't want to meet in person to discuss things. She only wants to discuss things through lawyers

She's a smart woman. She is covering her bases. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:28 PM, LookingForLongTermLove said:

she has a history of trauma which clouds a lot of her reasoning and interactions, and creates emotional insecurities that cause her to often act irrationally. Out of fear. She is also from what I understand quite introverted

I wonder what her analysis of her ex-husband would be. This isn't your take - this is his take. You are getting this information from him, and he doesn't seem the most reliable. 

23 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I told him that I needed a 6-month break from this

Very good idea. He is not in any position to date right now. 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She's a smart woman. She is covering her bases. 

I disagree. Having every discussion and negotiation going through lawyers in my mind creates more animosity. I've seen this with my ex when we had to use lawyers to negotiate separation of assets. It became very toxic and when we finally met in person outside the lawyers we were quickly able to agree and come up with better solutions. Lawyers want to make more money above all else so it's not in their interest that things get settled quickly and amicably. From my experience, when people meet in person and look each other in the eye, they don't behave the same way as when shielded by lawyers.

I wonder what her analysis of her ex-husband would be. This isn't your take - this is his take. You are getting this information from him, and he doesn't seem the most reliable. 

That's my conclusion actually based on the information I gathered from him, his friends and family. I might be wrong. He's read me some of the messages she's sent and I read her affidavit for Court, and that's the impression I got.

Very good idea. He is not in any position to date right now. 

A 6-month break from ongoing negotiation and conflict, not of each other. He's moving into my upper unit!

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Having every discussion and negotiation going through lawyers in my mind creates more animosity

Or it ensures that nobody can be sneaky about things. 

6 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

That's my conclusion actually based on the information I gathered from him, his friends and family.

Exactly. Who do you supposed they are biased toward? 

7 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

A 6-month break from ongoing negotiation and conflict, not of each other. He's moving into my upper unit!

Moving in together is going to just about ensure that a break from this confict is nothing but a pipe dream. It's going to make it worse. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

For those who commented to end the relationship, although this relationship is perhaps not perfect (but then again, is there such a thing?), I don't really have any intention to end the relationship, rather to find a way to make this more bearable for me, until his issues get resolved.

@glows I really like your comment about not throwing oil on the fire. I totally agree!! His ex is doing that a lot, but then he gets frustrated and does it too. It's hard not to be frustrated, for example with the furniture stuff. I see his reasoning of not wanting to spend thousands of dollars on new furniture when technically he should be getting half of the furniture they purchased together. But is this worth aggravating an already difficult situation? Is it not better to just buy new furniture and show the receipts at the Trial and take this into account when the sharing of the assets gets finalized? Choose your battles, right?

I actually brought this up with him yesterday. His next Court date is in December to get the first step to Trial going. I told him that I needed a 6-month break from this, and so does he. WE need a 6-month break! And perhaps instead of fighting with her on every single issue until then, simply take notes and use it as proof in Court and let the judge decide. He actually agreed that this was a good plan, so hopefully that will work out!

Yes, keep doing this each time issues crop up and suggest stepping back. Do not add to the issues. Keep doing what you’re doing enforcing your boundaries and not discussing his ex-wife. If you choose to be with this man, his ex wife will always be in the picture for as long as he is a father. It is best to treat one another with respect or some neutrality. Don’t make life harder for yourself.

You may not like this because I know you’re in love with him but he is limited mentally and emotionally, financially. His court battle and custody issues are hampering the way he processes everything else that’s going on around him and he may be overly sensitive. You are not dealing with a calm or collected person who’s at a stage where he has room and full ability to be in the kind of relationship you seek. 

How do you mean a six month break? I notice you tend to have an all or nothing approach. It’s either full on go or a break or dead halt. Am I misunderstanding what you mean by a break? Slow it down to a more manageable stage and date one another without mingling your lives. Meet and inconvenience one another less also and have more structure to your dates and meetings. Don’t stay over so often that you feel restricted or vice versa. The original thread, I recall, had some misgivings about living out of a suitcase and issues or conflicts with work schedules or not being able to get enough of your own work/housework done.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

A 6-month break from ongoing negotiation and conflict, not of each other. He's moving into my upper unit!

If he's moving in as your tenant, his hostility toward his wife (are they actually divorced?) won't stop. In fact you'll just have his conflicts in your face more.

If he is legally divorced why is he harassing her about furniture? Be very careful with your lease. He is quite litigious and angry and if you have to evict, be ready for the same hell he is putting the his children and their mother through.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows i meant a 6-month break from negotiations with his ex. They just had a court date in June in which a 6-month temporary settlement decided upon by the judge. Of course, this decision excluded a number of things that are still up in the air and remain to be negotiated. It was decided that the rest will have to wait for Trial, unless they somehow manage to agree upon things before. The judge encouraged them to try to avoid Trial and come to an agreement outside of Court, so he has been trying to address some of the other issues with her, but she doesn't seem open to having a discussion on any issues outside of the legal system, which is unfortunate. He's been trying to convince her to be reasonable, suggesting they meet either with a mediator or a parenting counselor to help facilitate a resolve on some issues, but she said no to everything. So, by a 6-month break I meant to say that he should just let it go for now, take a break (everyone's exhausted!), simply take note of issues and revisit them at their next Court date in December. If she behaves poorly, don't argue, simply take note and keep the messages for future proof. He actually seemed relieved that I proposed this. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own head, you need someone else to stay STOP.

@Wiseman2 No, they are not divorced yet since they cannot agree on anything: shared parenting, division of assets etc. Until recently, she was trying to move abroad with the kids until it was decided in Court that this would not be in the kids' best interest.

[glows]

20 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows i meant a 6-month break from negotiations with his ex. They just had a court date in June in which a 6-month temporary settlement decided upon by the judge. Of course, this decision excluded a number of things that are still up in the air and remain to be negotiated. It was decided that the rest will have to wait for Trial, unless they somehow manage to agree upon things before. The judge encouraged them to try to avoid Trial and come to an agreement outside of Court, so he has been trying to address some of the other issues with her, but she doesn't seem open to having a discussion on any issues outside of the legal system, which is unfortunate. He's been trying to convince her to be reasonable, suggesting they meet either with a mediator or a parenting counselor to help facilitate a resolve on some issues, but she said no to everything. So, by a 6-month break I meant to say that he should just let it go for now, take a break (everyone's exhausted!), simply take note of issues and revisit them at their next Court date in December. If she behaves poorly, don't argue, simply take note and keep the messages for future proof. He actually seemed relieved that I proposed this. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own head, you need someone else to stay STOP.

@Wiseman2 No, they are not divorced yet since they cannot agree on anything: shared parenting, division of assets etc. Until recently, she was trying to move abroad with the kids until it was decided in Court that this would not be in the kids' best interest.

There’s a long road ahead of both of you should you stay together. It seems you know what you’re up against. Do what’s best for your health and the primary concern are your kids as well.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

they are not divorced yet since they cannot agree on anything: shared parenting, division of assets etc.

Sorry to say you are in for a rough ride. Be extremely careful having someone like him as a tenant. Make it month to month so you can get him out as needed.

That bitter battling you see, he'll turn it on you too.

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

So, by a 6-month break I meant to say that he should just let it go for now, take a break (everyone's exhausted!), simply take note of issues and revisit them at their next Court date in December. If she behaves poorly, don't argue, simply take note and keep the messages for future proof. He actually seemed relieved that I proposed this. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own head, you need someone else to stay STOP.

You are entirely too involved in their divorce and their business in general.  I'm not seeing where you're stepping back from this at all and you still can't stop talking about his wife.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

I agree it's gonna be a rough road! If I had know on that first date what I was getting myself into, I wonder if I had asked for a second date. It's hard to tell from my perspective now. There are definitely a lot of benefits to our relationship. I recently revisited a list of attributes of an ideal partner that my therapist made me write shortly after my separation, and he in fact fits about 90% of that list. Of course, a-man-who-is-not-involved-in-a-nastly-divorce wasn't on that list as I didn't predict that! But his legal issues aside, he's a very good partner. My ex husband would never do anything around the house or cook, etc. This guy does about 80% of the cooking, helps with chores, etc. He's patient and involved with my kids, he gets along with my parents (who are difficult, and actually never liked any of my partners. He's the first), likes my friends, etc. I also like the way we "fight". We'll both get emotional and frazzled as people do in disagreements, but then we manage to successfully communicate through our issues. My ex husband, in moments of conflict, would always disregard my feelings which would make the situation worse.  If it weren't for this court thing, this relationship would be easy!

But of course the situation is there, and it's not easy. I feel the weight of having been involved in this for the past year. I have tried to keep as much distance as I could, and he has tried to respect that boundary, but it's obviously not always easy or feasible when it's such a central part of his life, and sometimes affects us directly. It will be a rough ride for sure! And I won't lie, I am not 100% convinced I have the strength to endure this for another two years if it takes that long (his lawyer seems confident that they'll resolve this by max another year, but it could take longer, and another year is still a really long time!).

After my separation with my ex now 3 and a half years ago, I was involved with another guy for just over a year. I had to break it off because he couldn't handle my kids nor my family. It was great in the beginning when it was just us, but as he was getting more into my world, it was clear that it wasn't gonna work out. I know that I have a lot to offer as an individual: I'm fun and sociable, I am well-read and well-educated, have traveled the World, had an unconventional upbringing and life, have done a million things, so I can talk about anything with anyone. I also have a great career, a nice house, lots of friends and hobbies. I do very well on dates. Guys like me. That being said, I have two young children, one of which has behavioral issues, and I really do have a difficult family, but I'm close to them despite that. Those last two things are a lot to put up with, especially my kids, and in that sense, although it's easy to meet people and have casual relationships with people, a long term relationship is a challenge. It requires the right kind of person. In another 10 years, once my kids are adults, it'll be easier. But I don't think that I want to be single for that long!

All that to say, that although this situation is difficult, and I'll admit that I sometimes have the thought "I could just walk away from all this", I am also trying to be realistic of my own situation and remind myself of the things that a partner has to put up with in my life. I feel that if we can make it through his storm, we will be an amazing couple. Whether we can make it through it I don't know with certainty though.

@Wiseman2 I know he wouldn't leave me out in the cold. He's not that person. The bitter battling is asking for fairness and equality. He doesn't try to get more than his share. I realize that he might suddenly move out. It is a possibility and I addressed this with him. I told him that if he feels that this living situation is no longer working for him, or something else comes up (at Court in December perhaps), he needs to give me a minimum of two months notice, and he's liable to pay till at least March 31 of next year as I can easily find tenants for April 1 but not in the winter. He agrees with those terms which we will also put in writing and sign.

 

Edited July 8, 2022 by LookingForLongTermLove