Difficulty envisioning our future together (updated)

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows My alarm went off when he started hunting for houses out in the country. He told me about it, but never asked me what my opinion was on the topic, or how I felt about him moving there. To be honest, I was hurt to see that he was making future plans for his life without considering me or consulting me. It suddenly made me look at our relationship with new eyes. Suspicious eyes!

As for the need to live together, I don't need to live together-together, but ideally in close proximity. Living together with each our kids can potentially be complicated. I do still think that him moving into my other unit could have been ideal. For me, the proximity is practical. Just the last year, the constant moving from one place to another has been exhausting. And then I'm at his place and he has to work late, and I feel trapped in his house while at home there's a million things I could do and him having a work rush would not only not be an issue, but a welcome time to take care of some things like cleaning, laundry, or something more fun like going to a live drawing session. When I'm at his place I just wait for him to be done pretty much. And the same thing for him. For example, when he stays at my place and I have my kids, he can't really get anything done while I'm doing homework with them or bathing them etc. Also, a lot of work lunchtimes are spent moving from one place to another instead of enjoying a nice break. And then there's the constant living out of suitcases, almost forgetting something at the other place and having to go get it. And I also have a cat that refuses to drive in a car, so I'm often leaving her alone for many days in a row. It's all fine for a year or two knowing that there is an end in sight. But doing this for 10+years, I don't know.

Does 1+1=2 ?

given what you knew…he valued his kids, his ex wants to stsy in the boonies, if he wants to be involved in his kids life he needs to be closer to them physically…especially if he wants 50/50.  He shouldn’t have had to say he’s looking fir a house out there…itwas inevitable.

 

knowing thus early on you shoukd have asked yourself if you want to invest in such a relationship?

 

in my dating prospects over the years I turned away from peop,e if I didn’t see a basic long term prognosis like she just bought a house there so she’d be there the next 5+ yrs.  I don’t see myself ever wanting to live and have to commute from there so I said screw it. Nit going to even bother seeing where the relationship goes because I’m not sacrificing certain things I value.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@poppyfields  it's logistically difficult to sustain a long distance relationship and the life that I have. I would have to make major sacrifices to accommodate it.

Exactly. You're incompatible as far as goals, location, lifestyle, etc. When and if he moves, you can just put this chapter behind you and find someone who fits into your goals.

How is your co-parenting relationship with your children's father?  How is your visitation and custody schedule? 

Despite your chaotic hectic life, you seem to have that organized.

As far as this guy, he may be fun for now but when the time comes for him to move back home to his ex-wife and children, you'll have a natural end to the relationship.

[Alpacalia]

I am fairly certain that anyone facing such a situation would have the same feeling (unless they have no feelings for their partner). Your relationship with your boyfriend has suddenly been thrusted into the spotlight and a decision must be made about whether you want to continue being together.

One hour doesn't seem to be the end of your mutual life, as far as I can tell. In the same breath, I do not want to marginalize your problem or reduce it to a superficial aspect. If you trust him, there is no reason why you can’t take him at his word that this is only an indefinite situation, unless you believe he is using this as an excuse. At the end of the day, a move has to be about the two of you together, working together as a team, both willing to explore how you can accomplish that.

So what are your options?

-Would it be possible for you to have a temporary one-hour distance relationship with a view to moving closer to him in the future?
-Is it worth continuing the relationship until (or if) he returns, since traveling an hour away is temporary?
-Make a one-hour distance relationship with no end date and wait until it slowly dies?

It may seem obvious, but you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about the future of your future relationship. I am sure that like any girl in love, you would like to spend more time with your boyfriend, but before you get out the proverbial box of tissues, what does "more" for you look like? How important is it to you whether you only want dates or do you want a deeper connection? Are you two just enjoying yourselves at the moment, or do you have any intentions of going further into moving into together, planning an engagement and/or a marriage in the future? 

There may be challenges in talking about wants and it may be frightening to consider that there may not be a serious intention (yet) or even heartbreaking to discover that your future goals are not compatible. Seeing the bigger picture before overhauling your life will give you the confidence that you need to help him find a U-Haul, or not.

But at the end of the day, what really matters when those discussions come to the core is not really your car mileage; it is really your ability to deal with conflict and each other's ability to serve each other in the long run. Is it fair to assume that even though such a key component is missing now, that problem will be resolved once he has moved? It is possible that you hold some doubts about whether you can trust your beloved an hour away. If you are closer at hand, will you become more secure? Probably not.

Either you have reason to be suspicious of the success of your relationship, or you have mistrust in yourself that needs more effort than being closer geographically can provide. 

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I'm happy for you that you have found your stride and that it works for you. My brother has a similar outlook: he seeks out relationships where there is a certain physical distance (an hour or two) because he wants to keep his independence while being in a committed relationship.

He feels like he's suffocating when he lives with a partner. 

Thank you but to clarify, the way you describe your brother in the above quote is nothing like my relationships or the way I conduct them (feeling suffocated, preferring physical distance etc).

I actually seek what you seek, but my mindset and how I choose to arrive at that committed place is different that's all, and that's all I will say about it since it's clear you have a different mindset which again is OK, you do you. 

Bottom line, you're not happy, you're not compatible.  My confusion lies in why you are clinging so tightly to this, attempting to control the outcome. 

The best advice I ever got was to LET GO.  

Simply let go, free yourself. Become open to more and better opportunities with men who are a better fit, want what you want and able to give that to you.

It's only been 12 months, not long in the grand scheme.

Something/someone better is out there waiting, go find him. 

Be happy. Find peace. 💛

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I do still think that him moving into my other unit could have been ideal.

I think this would be a bad idea for him to move into your unit.  Suppose you guys break up and he's in that unit with another woman?  That wouldn't feel good being his landlord and seeing them.  It's best to let him find his own place.

[glows]

12 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows You are wise! I think you really understand the situation that am in. Yes: too many priorities before me. And yes, feeling stressed out. I know he feels stressed out too. We are both trying very hard to make this work, but the "making it work" with all of our other engagements and responsibilities often involve hanging out in not great circumstances. For example, my ex often travels for work, and even though I tried to align my schedule with the kids with his, often I have kids on weekends that he doesn't, so he hangs out with all of us because he wants to be with me. He's great with my kids, but his presence with us in my house when I have the kids, and he's not in his own space, can be challenging. I'm happy to have him there and it brings me great pleasure to see him develop such a great relationship with my kids. But when he's around with them, it's stressful because I'm worried about the kids and him. He's not in his house, so it feels like having a visitor that you need to entertain: I put kids to sleep and I need to find something for him to do.

That may be something you can change, your view or the way you approach him, perhaps less as a visitor and more of a partner. You both intend to be life partners so treat it that way. Does he ever make negative comments around your house or seem a bit out of place? He should know by now where things are and help himself if he needs food, extra toiletries, linen etc.

If he wants to step out for an hour to the store while he's over and you have your kids, that wouldn't be an issue, would it? He may like more flexibility when he spends time there with you and you with him. The same goes for when you're over at his place and communicating with one another about what makes both of you more comfortable. When he works late and you're over at his place, there are other things you could do or find a way to make yourself more comfortable. Light some candles, break out the wine and edit your photos for ie.

I'm not looking to change your mind about moving in together or him moving closer to you. That would be ideal and I agree with you. I'm offering suggestions on how to approach the current situation and mitigate feelings of stress and not feeling like a visitor on both your parts when you visit one another. If he does move out to the country to be closer to his kids, cross that bridge when it comes. I wouldn't struggle so hard with that outcome. You are two people afterall and it was a blessing that he came into your life rather than not at all. You got to experience a love and romance like this so whether it ends later or not due to logistics and travel, then so be it. 

On the other hand if you find yourself worrying and anxious to the point of not being able to enjoy the relationship anymore and feel yourself checking out or no longer having the energy or enough interest to sustain this, it's ok to let go. 

 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think this would be a bad idea for him to move into your unit.  Suppose you guys break up and he's in that unit with another woman?  That wouldn't feel good being his landlord and seeing them.  It's best to let him find his own place.

Funny that you bring that up because that was my concern when he discussed moving upstairs. His take was that he would never break up with me, but that if i broke up with him, he would move out.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Funny that you bring that up because that was my concern when he discussed moving upstairs. His take was that he would never break up with me, but that if i broke up with him, he would move out.

I'm sure both of you meant what you said when you said it; but it's best to be cautious because you never know and you don't want where you live to be affected.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

We were actually just discussing things over lunchtime today. He brought it up saying that he knows that I'm trying not to bring up the situation because I don't want to add more things to his already full plate, but that he knows I'm worried about our future situation, and that he doesn't want me or us to ignore this. He says he wants everything that I want, but that he feels he has little control over his situation and his future right now, so he can't promise to make that happen soon. He feels that even if he gets 50% custody in the next year, his ex will be upset about it and continue trying to make things difficult for him until she gets over it and is able to accept the situation. He also had a conversation with his lawyer today who he says was wondering if perhaps her strategy to make his life without her as difficult as possible is because she's hoping he'll realize that he's better off with her, and that he'll come to his senses and crawls back (which he immediately said he would never ever ever consider). I asked him what he thought about his lawyer's view of things and he said "who knows! one thing is sure, she sounds like she's mentally struggling since the separation. If she didn't behave so horribly towards me I'd feel bad for her". He then added that perhaps once the custody arrangement is final and she has to accept it, she will find the strength to move on and perhaps consider dating someone else, and once she's in a better place he's hoping she'll be open to co-parent in a more harmonious and collaborative way, which would take the pressure off. He finally asked if I would be open to consider a transition phase. He proposed that once we have more info in June after Court, to develop a 2-year temporary plan that is temporary because it's not ideal but the best solution we can come up with given circumstances. Then, sometime during those two years, as the situation will likely change and evolve, we think of a long-term solution or solutions. He was even suggested that perhaps in a few years, once his ex calmed down, she might be open to relocating closer to the city possibly reducing commute to school to 20-minutes each way which would change things considerably.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is your co-parenting relationship with your children's father?  How is your visitation and custody schedule?

I mean, we are divorced for a reason! So, we do have disagreements, mostly around scheduling (he takes a lot of work trips and personal trips too, which can be very distruptive to our schedule and routine. So we often have arguments about that). But all in all, we get along well. We had a very easy and peaceful separation. In fact, when we separated he moved into the upstairs apartment and we lived in close proximity for almost 2 years after separating. We were both dating people, and we would meet new partners in the entrance, and everyone managed to cope somehow. He's not a bad person, and he's a great father, we were just not compatible. Took me 18 years to realize that unfortunately.

[glows]

21 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

He finally asked if I would be open to consider a transition phase. He proposed that once we have more info in June after Court, to develop a 2-year temporary plan that is temporary because it's not ideal but the best solution we can come up with given circumstances. Then, sometime during those two years, as the situation will likely change and evolve, we think of a long-term solution or solutions. He was even suggested that perhaps in a few years, once his ex calmed down, she might be open to relocating closer to the city possibly reducing commute to school to 20-minutes each way which would change things considerably.

And how do you feel or what do you think about this suggestion?

[LookingForLongTermLove]

34 minutes ago, glows said:

And how do you feel or what do you think about this suggestion?

I am happy to see that he is taking this seriously and trying to find solutions. I think for now I feel better about the situation. But 2 years is still a long time, and I guess I feel that I'll have to see if we can find a temporary solution that won't make me miserable for two years until we can find a better solution. But it's a good start!

[glows]

4 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I am happy to see that he is taking this seriously and trying to find solutions. I think for now I feel better about the situation. But 2 years is still a long time, and I guess I feel that I'll have to see if we can find a temporary solution that won't make me miserable for two years until we can find a better solution. But it's a good start!

I'm glad to hear this. Maybe you both may also take some of the considerations about pacing yourselves and work on finding ways to feel more comfortable at one another's places also.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

4 hours ago, glows said:

I'm glad to hear this. Maybe you both may also take some of the considerations about pacing yourselves and work on finding ways to feel more comfortable at one another's places also.

Yes, I agree. For now it's ok, but if our 2-year plan involves living in two houses with a certain distance for that period of time, we'll definitely need to find ways that each feels at home in the other person's place, and that we don't need to live out of suitcases all the time anymore. Not that this is the main issue or a deal breaker, but any additional comfort helps, that's for sure.

[Lauriebell82]

I can relate a lot to this situation. My boyfriend and are I both divorced, both have two kids. Mine are young, he has a teenage son and an adult daughter. We both share 50/50 custody with our exes. What I can relate to is that we both own our own houses and have been together for 4.5 years. Any talk of the "future" has also involved retirement but it will be about 2 years before his son goes to college and us being together in one house is even a possibility. This is pretty hard but given my alimony agreement (5 years) and the custody arrangements we have made due and managed. Our relationship is wonderful for the most part, except that we really have no hard and fast long term arrangements other then he sees us living together/getting married when his son goes to college. Will it actually happen? I don't know. I have to kind of invest in the relationship without really knowing and just have faith that his talk about retirement and all the things he wants for our future with happen. It can be difficult when you have been through a divorce and are facing remarriage. 

Take what he says about his ex wife at face value also. You are just getting HIS side of the story...she probably has her side too. Remember you are an ex wife and I'm sure that your version and your ex husband's version's of what happened are different. That's often the case. MOST of the divorced men I have dated had a little sob story to tell me regarding their ex wife (whether THEY were the one who filed or not!) Just remember it takes two to tango. You don't just wake up and want a divorce randomly to mess someone's life up. But divorced men love to insinuate that they are the victim, when in fact that have equal accountability for the relationship going sour. 

I think you should continue to date this guy...but maybe pull back a bit. Not have him SOOOO consumed in your life so it isn't quite as one sided. At least until his custody battle is over with. Also I recommend keeping an eye on his behavior and make sure his actions match his words. He's divorced for a reason..remember that! 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, that fact that he plans to move back to his ex-wife and children means there is a time limit on the relationship. When he moves, it will most likely fade out.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@Lauriebell82 thank you for sharing your story. I do think that we have similar stories except that my wait is more like 14 years as his youngest kid is only 4!

I've actually this past week decided to take a step back. I don't want to wait 14 years to be happy, I want to know if I can be happy now with what I have now. In that sense, I want to know now if I can feel fulfilled with what the schedule would be like once his custody battle is settled, so I'm trying it out now. To be honest, he's not super happy about it, he feels that we should cross that bridge when we get there. I feel that it's good to sample things before making long-term decisions. In that sense, us trying the two weekends per month schedule that would be our reality once he moves out to the country in advance of the move might make him think differently about the move. And if not, at least we'll both know how we feel about it and after giving it a try for a few months we'll each have a better idea if this can work for us long term or not (and one might decide it can work for them and the other one feels differently, but at least we'll know how we feel). On my end, I'm gonna start focusing more on myself: going back to life drawing, signing up for a tennis class, visiting some friends. I feel that it's unfair to say that it can't work out without giving it a try, so I'm giving it a try. I just don't want to be in this situation anymore where I see the storm coming and I know I can't avoid it and I worry about surviving it. The waiting part is the most painful in my opinion: I just want to be in the storm already and see if I can survive it.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@Lauriebell82 thank you for sharing your story. I do think that we have similar stories except that my wait is more like 14 years as his youngest kid is only 4!

I've actually this past week decided to take a step back. I don't want to wait 14 years to be happy, I want to know if I can be happy now with what I have now. In that sense, I want to know now if I can feel fulfilled with what the schedule would be like once his custody battle is settled, so I'm trying it out now. To be honest, he's not super happy about it, he feels that we should cross that bridge when we get there. I feel that it's good to sample things before making long-term decisions. In that sense, us trying the two weekends per month schedule that would be our reality once he moves out to the country in advance of the move might make him think differently about the move. And if not, at least we'll both know how we feel about it and after giving it a try for a few months we'll each have a better idea if this can work for us long term or not (and one might decide it can work for them and the other one feels differently, but at least we'll know how we feel). On my end, I'm gonna start focusing more on myself: going back to life drawing, signing up for a tennis class, visiting some friends. I feel that it's unfair to say that it can't work out without giving it a try, so I'm giving it a try. I just don't want to be in this situation anymore where I see the storm coming and I know I can't avoid it and I worry about surviving it. The waiting part is the most painful in my opinion: I just want to be in the storm already and see if I can survive it.

It's a good idea to be focusing on yourself more either way. This became too much about him and his court issues too fast. I'm glad you're moving away from that focus and reducing the amount of time spent together if that time spent together wasn't meaningful to start. Ie. either him coming home late from work or both of you stressed that you aren't getting other things done in your respective homes.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

It's a good idea to be focusing on yourself more either way. This became too much about him and his court issues too fast. I'm glad you're moving away from that focus and reducing the amount of time spent together if that time spent together wasn't meaningful to start. Ie. either him coming home late from work or both of you stressed that you aren't getting other things done in your respective homes.

Yes I agree. To be honest, taking a step back and trying to look at the situation objectively, I realized the amount of negative feelings that this situation was creating for me.

1) I felt sad about not being a priority for him
2) I felt guilty when he was with me at my place because I know he doesn't work well from my place (we both work from home), and then as he often works late, my kids would come home from school and I would feel guilty about them being loud and disturbing him. And then often kids would be tired and not on their best behaviour and I would feel bad about that.
3) As he would be around at my place, I would invite him to participate in activities I planned, and when he would say no, or maybe but need to finish some work but then not show up, I would feel rejected and sad. You wouldn't normally expect a partner you live with to participate in everything, but when your boyfriend is kind of your guest, the dynamic is different.

In other words, we would spend a lot of time together but not as in a new couple quality time but more as an old couple we live together kind of way. But when you feel that the floor under your feet is about to drop, his casual familiarity approach of a well-established relationship where it's ok to take each other a little bit for granted was an infinite source of frustration for me. Perhaps in his head we were there but not in reality. And his pretending otherwise was a bit maddening: it's like we were playing parts in a play and having lost the ability to tell if this was actually real or not.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Yes I agree. To be honest, taking a step back and trying to look at the situation objectively, I realized the amount of negative feelings that this situation was creating for me.

1) I felt sad about not being a priority for him
2) I felt guilty when he was with me at my place because I know he doesn't work well from my place (we both work from home), and then as he often works late, my kids would come home from school and I would feel guilty about them being loud and disturbing him. And then often kids would be tired and not on their best behaviour and I would feel bad about that.
3) As he would be around at my place, I would invite him to participate in activities I planned, and when he would say no, or maybe but need to finish some work but then not show up, I would feel rejected and sad. You wouldn't normally expect a partner you live with to participate in everything, but when your boyfriend is kind of your guest, the dynamic is different.

In other words, we would spend a lot of time together but not as in a new couple quality time but more as an old couple we live together kind of way. But when you feel that the floor under your feet is about to drop, his casual familiarity approach of a well-established relationship where it's ok to take each other a little bit for granted was an infinite source of frustration for me. Perhaps in his head we were there but not in reality. And his pretending otherwise was a bit maddening: it's like we were playing parts in a play and having lost the ability to tell if this was actually real or not.

You seem very grounded. Taking a step back or readjusting was inevitable in the long run as the pace wasn't sustainable earlier. He may have been obliging you by coming over but realizing he was falling behind with work. If he declined coming over he'd be in trouble, if he declined doing things together while at your place, he'd also be in trouble as he's not getting enough done. I think you have a bit more time to give to a relationship and that's frustrating.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows To be honest, I feel quite sad about the whole thing but trying to distract myself with other things and waiting to see if the knot if my stomach will loosen up and I can adjust to this. I'm not sure I can but am willing to try.

He's definitely struggling with the new schedule and seems to think that I'm punishing him somehow. I keep reminding him that if he's frustrated after one week how is he anticipating 14 years of this? I actually think it's a great reality check for him as well. One thing I came to realize throughout my life and relationships is that women (generally speaking but I'm sure there are lots of exceptions) are better at imagining the future and "feeling" the future. Men are less good at that, and often set themselves up for disappointment with unrealistic expectations about situations and circumstances. It's hard for them to imagine how the situation would "feel" like. They can only imagine the logistics of it.

[glows]

17 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows To be honest, I feel quite sad about the whole thing but trying to distract myself with other things and waiting to see if the knot if my stomach will loosen up and I can adjust to this. I'm not sure I can but am willing to try.

He's definitely struggling with the new schedule and seems to think that I'm punishing him somehow. I keep reminding him that if he's frustrated after one week how is he anticipating 14 years of this? I actually think it's a great reality check for him as well. One thing I came to realize throughout my life and relationships is that women (generally speaking but I'm sure there are lots of exceptions) are better at imagining the future and "feeling" the future. Men are less good at that, and often set themselves up for disappointment with unrealistic expectations about situations and circumstances. It's hard for them to imagine how the situation would "feel" like. They can only imagine the logistics of it.

I'm not sure if women are better at it. In your case you seem to be as you have more to offer. I think sometimes we want something so badly that we are blinded by the reality and I'm guilty of that also or have been in my past (also failing horribly due to shortsightedness). He wants to be with you and he's the one with less time/resources to spend on a new relationship. 

It's odd that he would think you're punishing him and would be wary of that especially if one or both become more resentful in the long term..

[Kamille]

I agree that you should prioritize yourself and bring the focus back - and that this involves stepping back from trying to figure out how to work as a couple in spite of his custody issues.  But am I understanding correctly that you have preemptively decided the two of you would only see each other two weekends a month, to prepare for his upcoming move?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I keep reminding him that if he's frustrated after one week how is he anticipating 14 years of this? 

Unfortunately the overinvolved, overinvested person is the one who gets hurt. In this case it's you.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

Hello everyone. I posted here some time ago about my partner who is going through a nasty custody battle and was considering moving out to the country (to be close to kids' school).

He's managed to improve his co-parenting situation and now has the kids 39%. His lawyer seems to say that he'll have to go to trial to get 50%. He decided to give it a 6-month rest and consider things. There are important financial differences if he makes it to 40% or more. Otherwise, he seems to be pretty happy with the new schedule.

All that to say, that now that this storm has calmed down, and after numerous discussions with his lawyer, he decided to move into my other unit in my duplex. I kicked out my tenants, and he's planned to move in on September 1rst with his kids. He's figured out an arrangement for school days and it seems it'll all work out. I was happy.

But then yesterday he texted me a rental in the area of the kids' school, and I got a bit in a panic thinking he's still considering moving out there, and feeling not only very vulnerable from a landlord perspective as in my-tenant-could-move -out- at-the -drop-of-a-hat, but also from a romantic perspective feeling that he has one foot in and one foot out. We had quite a big fight about it which concluded with him agreeing to stop looking for other options. But somehow this left a bitter sweet feeling in my mouth. I don't want him to feel forced into this situation. I thought that's what he wanted as well - it looked like it! But now I feel that he's only moving in because he's afraid he'll loose me if he doesn't.

Then later he brought up being worried about his ex finding out that he's moved into his girlfriends' house because she has been extremely jealous when they were together, and since she primarily had the kids over the last few years, she has a closer connection with them (his needs to be rebuilt unfortunately), and he's concerned that she'll poison the kids into hating living here, into hating me etc. I've now spent a decent amount of time with his kids, and his youngest has talked of me as his "City Mommy" so we won't be starting from scratch when he moves in. I told him that I'd be ok asking my kids to not mention to his kids that we are a couple, unless they ask something in which case to tell them to talk to one of us about it. I would never ask my kids to lie, and he agrees that wouldn't be good. That being said, they will find out at some point. How long can this be kept as a secret from his kids? His eldest is 14. Kids aren't dumb! They'll figure it out and so will the ex.

Anyway, I guess I just feel sad and conflicted about the whole thing. It feels that all solutions suck and there will never be an end to this! Solving one problem creates a new one like a horrible downward spiral. And I'm concerned that our relationship, although very strong, might not survive this.

Has anyone else been in a situation like that?