Difficulty envisioning our future together (updated)

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@Wiseman2 I was just answering people's questions, but he doesn't say that he had no contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. I wasn't there so this is just my opinion from what he's told me, but from what I understand they were just really not compatible. They had very different values and different life goals, and this was a constant source of conflict in their relationship. They were constantly fighting. A few years prior to their divorce two years ago, he left her for about 6 months. At the time he rented a temporary furnished apartment and they were co-parenting 50-50. She was really unhappy about only seeing the kids half the time, especially since the youngest was only about a year old then. She also found out through a mutual friend that he had created a dating app account and had gone on a few dates. Realizing that this situation might be permanent: both the co-parenting and him moving on with his life with possibly another woman, she panicked and begged him to come back and give their relationship another try. He was conflicted about it because he felt that things would just go back to what they were, but because they had kids together and thinking of the kids' best interest, he decided to go back. This lasted for two long conflict-driven years until the car accident. So, the second time around it seems that she realized that if she wanted full custody of the kids she would need a reason.

@stillafool I really really really doubt that they will get back together, and I really really don't think that he has any desire to do so.

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I really really really doubt that they will get back together, and I really really don't think that he has any desire to do so.

For your sake I hope you're right, but I doubt it.

[glows]

The only way I would see this working is if you relaxed your grip a little on the idea of stagnation. In reality every passing week that goes by is an opportunity to grow closer as a couple, depending on how you look at it.

Instead of asking him to move closer or move in with you, you may be enjoying a nice walk or great sex or working closer on building that trust to start meeting more of his family once there is more input from the Court in June on the custody issue. While the results are not instantaneous that may be what it takes to build a life or a future together. Think of the tortoise and the hare. 

I don't think it's wrong of you to want more depending on where you are in life. Maybe you want more children or have other plans for yourself. There is again that pervasive idea of stagnation and feeling that this isn't enough. I'd dig a little deeper and see whether you can tweak that perception. On one hand you feel you may need more and on the other you're saying he's unlike other men you've met before and appreciate his presence. I think you'll have to decide what your priorities are. 

I agree with you about balancing or juggling priorities but when faced with this pressure (which may be repetitive at this point depending on how often you both talk about this) he may also have second thoughts and doubts about you as a life partner. I'd be very wary if someone wanted that much more out of dating after only one year, especially with custody issues.

 

Edited May 4, 2022 by glows

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows Thank you for sharing this perspective that is quite different from everyone else's. In answer to what you wrote, I don't think that I have been nagging him or pressuring him in any way about this. He is going through a lot with his high conflict separation, and the last thing he needs is a girlfriend that is pressuring him into things. And as I think I mentioned before, I am not at all in a rush to move things along. In fact, I am not at all in favour of moving in together before we both have a solid relationship with the other one's children, and that the children have a relationship as well, have been consulted on this move and agree with it. In that sense, if I were to be properly introduced to his kids this summer, at the very earliest I would see us moving in together in a year, probably more.

The issue for me is this:

1) he has been living in temporary homes awaiting news on his situation for the last two years and is tired of it. He's eager to make a permanent housing decision as soon as possible. This is kind of upsetting for me because once he's settled somewhere it will likely be for many years. In this sense, the timing is not on my side.

2) In my head I want to be flexible, see where things go, relax my grip like you say. And I think I'm overall a pretty relaxed and easy-going person. But I worry that I will get frustrated with the living situation if he's an hour away, and I'm in a relationship with someone that I don't see very often.

In other words, my main issue is that he feels the need to stabilize his situation soon, and that decision might very likely be for the next 10+years. And I do get the sense that he wants to be with me for a long time (for every conversation we had about our relationship, all I've gotten is that he wants this to be long-term), but he's conflicted in his priorities which are clashing. I had a long in-depth conversation with him on that topic after I posted this here, and I feel confident that I clearly expressed both my commitment to the relationship than my concerns about its future if he goes ahead and plans his future without consideration for the future of our relationship. I don't see any point in repeating myself, I'm pretty sure he heard what I said.

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I feel confident that I clearly expressed both my commitment to the relationship than my concerns about its future if he goes ahead and plans his future without consideration for the future of our relationship.

Well, what was his response?  Was it what you wanted to hear?

[LookingForLongTermLove]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well, what was his response?  Was it what you wanted to hear?

I wrote about his response somewhere earlier in this post. Here is what I wrote earlier.

He said that in an ideal world, he would love to move in together with all the kids. However, he needs to make his kids his number one priority (and he pointed out that I do the same with mine as I would not be willing to move away from my kids' friends and school for him, which is true), and me his second priority as long as the kids are still young and dependent on him. After our conversation, he brought up the topic with his two older kids (10 and 14) that said they would like to live in the city, but not during the week as a one-hour commute each way to school would be too much. His ex is a rural doctor where they used to live, so she would not be willing to move into the city and further away from her work. The conclusion of our conversation was that he feels that he has little control over this situation, and he's afraid he will loose me because of it.

 

[poppyfields]

On 4/29/2022 at 12:43 PM, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I can't help but feel that he's planning the rest of his life and I'm not in it! I'm trying to envision what our lives will be like once that move is made, and the way I see it right now is that we will both have our completely separate lives except for two weekends per month that we will spend together. I'll be like his secret lover that receives the table scraps of his time, and to envision this makes me feel incredibly insecure and sad. On the one hand, he gives me the impression that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he talks about how cool our lives will be once we're retired together, but on the other hand, there has been no mention so far of where and how I will fit into his life in the next two years. 

Am I being irrational and unreasonable in my concerns?

No not at all, but understand what you want and what he's capable (and perhaps even desirous) of giving you right now, within the next two years or EVER do not match.  

HE would be better suited for a much more independent woman with her own life, interests, career who would be more than happy with the every other weekend arrangement.  She would not expect to be his priority, his children and getting his life sorted are his priorities right now.   

It shouldn't feel like "table scraps" to you and the fact it does is a REAL issue.  Not a judgment, it is what it is as they say.  But a different woman with a different more independent nature and attitude would not be feeling like he was giving scraps.  She would appreciate and cherish what he DOES give her and would allow everything to unfold naturally and organically, the way the Universe intended.

I am not judging you at all, you want what you want, you need what you need, but the reality is he's not capable of providing that, therefore you are NOT compatible.

On 5/3/2022 at 1:32 PM, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I proposed to him that perhaps a solution could be for him to move in with me (my house is currently a duplex but used to be a single family house that could be converted back which would then have more than enough bedrooms for everyone. He could also first move into the other unit and we could convert back once everyone is used to living together) and temporarily stay at his mother's (she lives out there as well) on weekdays with the kids. Long term, he could buy a duplex in the rural area, rent one unit and use the other on weekdays with the kids. The rental should cover the cost or most of the cost of his unit. He seemed open to that idea but said he can currently not commit to any living situation until the results from Court in June. 

Wow it appears you have everything all figured out, don't you.  You stated in response to Wiseman that you were not trying to fix, but what's written above reflects the opposite, you are very much trying to fix this for him, find solutions versus allowing HIM to be a man and find his own solutions and to determine for himself (as a man) what's best for him and his children.

You also stated in response to @glows that you're not pushing or pressuring.  Well, that would be for him to decide wouldn't it?  Since he's the recipient of your words and actions?  It's not really your place to speak for him, is it?   Or whether or not he's feeling pushed or pressured, again that is for HIM to decide.

I am sure your intention is not to push and pressure but just reading your posts on this thread, I am very much feeling that pushing and pressuring from you and have no doubt that HE is also feeling this pressure, in fact could almost guarantee it!  

Apologies if that sounded a bit harsh, I am just calling it as I see it from reading all your posts.

If you're open to more advice, and assuming you want this to work out long term, my advice is a change in attitude is in order.  Stop discussing your relationship, your future, his ex, his children, his psyche and simply become a safe haven for him every other weekend, someone he can turn to as an escape from this toxic mess. 

Someone to relax with, have fun with, a no-stress easy breezy type relationship, again allowing everything to unfold and develop organically and naturally the way the Universe intended.

Again a safe haven for him.  NOT a therapist, not a shrink, not someone to unload all his problems on, but a strong feminine woman whom he can value, cherish and fall in love with.

If you don't have it in you to be that woman, then wish him well and walk away, look for a man who wants what you want and who is capable and desirous of giving that to you.

JMO, good luck.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows, my main issue is that he feels the need to stabilize his situation soon, and that decision might very likely be for the next 10+years. 

You seem level headed and sincere. Perhaps a man who is already stable would be a better match for you than one you have to try to stabilize by offering housing to and trying to fix him and all his self-created problems..

Even though you've invested a year in this it seems to be getting worse, not better. 

His victim mentality, chronic couch surfing and chaos are all red flags. Not to mention he's making your relationship about his problems.

Try not to make him a project or mission. You can do much better than someone who clearly has poor judgement.

The more you write the clearer it becomes why his physician wife got rid of him. He seems like sort of a grifter. Full of self pity.

Edited May 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I wrote about his response somewhere earlier in this post. Here is what I wrote earlier.

He said that in an ideal world, he would love to move in together with all the kids. However, he needs to make his kids his number one priority (and he pointed out that I do the same with mine as I would not be willing to move away from my kids' friends and school for him, which is true), and me his second priority as long as the kids are still young and dependent on him. After our conversation, he brought up the topic with his two older kids (10 and 14) that said they would like to live in the city, but not during the week as a one-hour commute each way to school would be too much. His ex is a rural doctor where they used to live, so she would not be willing to move into the city and further away from her work. The conclusion of our conversation was that he feels that he has little control over this situation, and he's afraid he will loose me because of it.

 

Yes I read this, I thought there was an earlier update from him.

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

1) he has been living in temporary homes awaiting news on his situation for the last two years and is tired of it.

Is he still seeing his children if he's couch surfing everywhere?  Why hasn't he at least rented an apartment for what - 2 years?

[glows]

18 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows Thank you for sharing this perspective that is quite different from everyone else's. In answer to what you wrote, I don't think that I have been nagging him or pressuring him in any way about this. He is going through a lot with his high conflict separation, and the last thing he needs is a girlfriend that is pressuring him into things. And as I think I mentioned before, I am not at all in a rush to move things along. In fact, I am not at all in favour of moving in together before we both have a solid relationship with the other one's children, and that the children have a relationship as well, have been consulted on this move and agree with it. In that sense, if I were to be properly introduced to his kids this summer, at the very earliest I would see us moving in together in a year, probably more.

The issue for me is this:

1) he has been living in temporary homes awaiting news on his situation for the last two years and is tired of it. He's eager to make a permanent housing decision as soon as possible. This is kind of upsetting for me because once he's settled somewhere it will likely be for many years. In this sense, the timing is not on my side.

2) In my head I want to be flexible, see where things go, relax my grip like you say. And I think I'm overall a pretty relaxed and easy-going person. But I worry that I will get frustrated with the living situation if he's an hour away, and I'm in a relationship with someone that I don't see very often.

In other words, my main issue is that he feels the need to stabilize his situation soon, and that decision might very likely be for the next 10+years. And I do get the sense that he wants to be with me for a long time (for every conversation we had about our relationship, all I've gotten is that he wants this to be long-term), but he's conflicted in his priorities which are clashing. I had a long in-depth conversation with him on that topic after I posted this here, and I feel confident that I clearly expressed both my commitment to the relationship than my concerns about its future if he goes ahead and plans his future without consideration for the future of our relationship. I don't see any point in repeating myself, I'm pretty sure he heard what I said.

Thanks for clarifying. What I'm reading are a lot of anxieties about what he may or may not do, actions that have not happened, situations that have not occurred yet. You've built up a lot of what ifs and suppositions that are just not true or haven't happened. I'm referring to the permanent housing situation. Why invest so much in a person who doesn't even have a permanent home yet after his divorce? This has gotten so quick and heavy at this point that it's bound to fall apart. There is far too much pressure and investing into the outcome.

It goes back to the reality that you met when things were unsettled. You chose to date a man who doesn't have custody issues settled. This was a clear and conscious choice you made but it doesn't change that reality or that there are ongoing issues. You're also worrying over a situation that hasn't happened yet.

The truth is that you're ready to start your life with a man who is ready-made and ready to spring into action as a co-pilot in this lovely and wild ride called life. He is not there and has never been there since you've met him so why suddenly want more or worry about a situation that has never been a reality in your relationship? He has never been up to your speed or that man who has as much to offer as you at this time. 

My suggestion is to slow down and don't box yourself in with these assumptions about permanent housing and how long he will stay there. You're trying to control the situation so much to your benefit and advantage that it will push him away. The issue is that if he truly wanted to spend his life with you, he would make that effort and make decisions or even travel that one hour commute to date and see you. If he moves one hour away or buys a home further from you, that is your answer in itself. He's not interested in living together or being with you in the way you see yourself being with him as a life partner or cohabitating. His actions will show to you (of his own volition and choice) that you may or may not be the woman for him. 

If I were in your shoes I'd enjoy the company, be less involved with his court case details, I would not look at living with someone with young children for a few years at least, reconsider dating and commuting and keeping things balanced and level. I'd want to be more in tune also with my life and what I'd like to get done, not spend all my time in a relationship that has always been unsettled with prior issues or ongoing court cases, not overinvest in a man who has always shown himself to be more limited than I am.

I know your emotions are warring with you and it's hard to step back. For my sake and peace of mind, that's what I would do to keep things balanced and sane. I would resist any urge to live together or worry about his housing situation because that is a choice that is ultimately his not yours. And it will determine just how compatible you are as a couple or whether he wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with him. 

Edited May 5, 2022 by glows

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@poppyfields I think you're being a bit harsh, especially without having all the info.

21 hours ago, poppyfields said:

HE would be better suited for a much more independent woman with her own life, interests, career who would be more than happy with the every other weekend arrangement.  She would not expect to be his priority, his children and getting his life sorted are his priorities right now.   

I really don't think that the issue here is that I'm not independent enough. I have my own life, my own career and interests. I had a very busy life before I met him, and when he entered my life he seemed to like what I had to offer and wanted to be integrated with my family, friends and hobbies.

 But a different woman with a different more independent nature and attitude would not be feeling like he was giving scraps.  She would appreciate and cherish what he DOES give her and would allow everything to unfold naturally and organically, the way the Universe intended.

I don't think that it's a character flaw to want to be in a relationship with someone and expect that relationship to be a committed one. What you are describing is a casual relationship which I agree some people prefer, but is absolutely not what I want. And in fact when we started dating, I asked him what he was looking for and he told me that he was looking for a long term relationship and a life partner. I told him I was looking for the same and he said he was pleased about that.

Furthermore, after dating for about 3 months of us not being on the same schedule with the kids, he asked me if we could align our schedules so that we can spend more time together. Then, once that was settled, he started wanting to spend every spare minute with me until, sometime in October he mentioned that if he was introduced to my kids, perhaps he could hang out with me and my kids when he doesn't have his kids which is what started happening shortly after. So, to be fair, I don't think that I am being unreasonable and needy in this situation. I have early stated what I was looking for, and everything that he has said and done after that has aligned with what I was looking for, until a few months ago.

Wow it appears you have everything all figured out, don't you.  You stated in response to Wiseman that you were not trying to fix, but what's written above reflects the opposite, you are very much trying to fix this for him, find solutions versus allowing HIM to be a man and find his own solutions and to determine for himself (as a man) what's best for him and his children.

Regarding the housing situation, again that is something that he brought up early on. He was brainstorming future living options and asked me about my rental apartment. He even asked me to take a look at it which he did. Then he brought up the topic of living together on numerous occasions, asking how that would work out. Then, after his last Court date in February where he got considerably more access to the kids, something changed. I think that for him he suddenly saw the hope in the situation he had been struggling with for 2 years, and he could see that he would get the 50-50 access perhaps not very soon, but soonish. It seemed suddenly within reach, and that's when he started shopping for houses in the area where the kids go to school.

You also stated in response to @glows that you're not pushing or pressuring.  Well, that would be for him to decide wouldn't it?  Since he's the recipient of your words and actions?  It's not really your place to speak for him, is it?   Or whether or not he's feeling pushed or pressured, again that is for HIM to decide. I am sure your intention is not to push and pressure but just reading your posts on this thread, I am very much feeling that pushing and pressuring from you and have no doubt that HE is also feeling this pressure, in fact could almost guarantee it!  

I really don't feel that I have been pressuring him. I have only brought up my frustration about his plans ONCE, last week after I posted this here. As I mentioned, I said what I had to say and I don't see any advantage in repeating myself. In fact, when he started dating he said at some point that it was such a pleasure dating me because I was so easy going and didn't pressure him about things. Other women he dated quickly started asking to see each other a fixed number of times per week which was difficult for him since he didn't feel that he could meet their needs. With me, it felt easy since I was so independent and accomodating of his needs and schedule. So the first few months in fact, we were only seeing each other once a week and we only started seeing each other more frequently when he asked to see each other more often. So we started spending every second weekend together, and then he still didn't feel that was enough and he asked me to change my schedule with my kids so we could see each other 3-4 times per week, and when that still wasn't enough he asked to be introduced to my kids. I feel that I have given him everything that he wants, gave him to every single one of his request because I thought that we were on our way of BUILDING A LIFE TOGETHER. I did not see him buying a house an hour away, and us barely spending any time together anymore coming at all.

If you're open to more advice, and assuming you want this to work out long term, my advice is a change in attitude is in order.  Stop discussing your relationship, your future, his ex, his children, his psyche and simply become a safe haven for him every other weekend, someone he can turn to as an escape from this toxic mess. 

I actually almost never discuss the state of our relationship unless he brings it up. I've turned to this forum because of my personal frustrations about this situation but with the desire to be considerate of his current stress in relationship to this custody battle and with the intention of not needlessly bringing things up with him without having a clear plan about what message I want to bring across and some solutions to propose.

 

[poppyfields]

@LookingForLongTermLove I have not read your entire response because I'm short on time at the moment, but please understand, again I was NOT judging you nor did I say anything about what you're wanting and needing being a "character flaw."  It's not, and I am sorry you interpreted it that way.

Simply, put, it's you being in one place and him being in another.  Mentally and emotionally.   You not being the right fit for him (for reasons I mentioned) and clearly him not being the right fit for you, for reasons YOU mentioned. 

Neither of you are wrong or have "character flaws," and neither of you are are right.   

Just different, that's all, in different places emotionally, so there was no need to get defensive or further explain.

I wish you the best.

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@stillafool and @Wiseman2 I should have clarified, but he is NOT couch surfing. He has an apartment in the city where he has lived since his separation. The place where his kids go to school does not have any rentals. Furthermore, he prefers to live in the city. When he has his kids during the week, he stays at his mom's who lives close to where he lived before. And on weekends with the kids, he alternates between his mom's place and his place in the city. Since he only has his kids currently one night on school nights and every other weekend, he hasn't felt a rush for finding a more permanent solution. But with his Court date in June, he will most likely go up to at least 40%, so he will need to find a more temporary situation (right now, his place is a 2-bedroom so it's tight when kids sleep over, and his mom also only has two bedrooms for them, so they've been a bit squeezed on his days). The village where his kids go to school has no rentals, so he would need to buy something if he wanted to live there.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

4 hours ago, glows said:

The truth is that you're ready to start your life with a man who is ready-made and ready to spring into action as a co-pilot in this lovely and wild ride called life. He is not there and has never been there since you've met him so why suddenly want more or worry about a situation that has never been a reality in your relationship? He has never been up to your speed or that man who has as much to offer as you at this time. 

I hear what you're saying. And perhaps I was a fool. But as I mentioned previously, when we met and the first 8-9 months of our relationship, despite him situation being a bit of a mess, he seemed extremely committed to making this work long term. He did seem like he wanted to co-pilot with me, and it did seem like a reality then.

[glows]

1 minute ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I hear what you're saying. And perhaps I was a fool. But as I mentioned previously, when we met and the first 8-9 months of our relationship, despite him situation being a bit of a mess, he seemed extremely committed to making this work long term. He did seem like he wanted to co-pilot with me, and it did seem like a reality then.

I suppose so and love may blind us in the early stages when it burns the brightest. What's not to say he's still committed however? His actions will show you whether you share the same desires or wants in a very short while. I suspect this year will go by quickly. 

Just because he doesn't want to live with you or chooses not to live with you in the way you want doesn't mean that he isn't committed. I think that's where you both might have to agree to disagree if living with a boyfriend (him in particular) is very important. I'd also want to understand where that comes from. I think it's very natural for some people, unnatural for others. We have to respect that in another person.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows My alarm went off when he started hunting for houses out in the country. He told me about it, but never asked me what my opinion was on the topic, or how I felt about him moving there. To be honest, I was hurt to see that he was making future plans for his life without considering me or consulting me. It suddenly made me look at our relationship with new eyes. Suspicious eyes!

As for the need to live together, I don't need to live together-together, but ideally in close proximity. Living together with each our kids can potentially be complicated. I do still think that him moving into my other unit could have been ideal. For me, the proximity is practical. Just the last year, the constant moving from one place to another has been exhausting. And then I'm at his place and he has to work late, and I feel trapped in his house while at home there's a million things I could do and him having a work rush would not only not be an issue, but a welcome time to take care of some things like cleaning, laundry, or something more fun like going to a live drawing session. When I'm at his place I just wait for him to be done pretty much. And the same thing for him. For example, when he stays at my place and I have my kids, he can't really get anything done while I'm doing homework with them or bathing them etc. Also, a lot of work lunchtimes are spent moving from one place to another instead of enjoying a nice break. And then there's the constant living out of suitcases, almost forgetting something at the other place and having to go get it. And I also have a cat that refuses to drive in a car, so I'm often leaving her alone for many days in a row. It's all fine for a year or two knowing that there is an end in sight. But doing this for 10+years, I don't know.

[glows]

20 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows My alarm went off when he started hunting for houses out in the country. He told me about it, but never asked me what my opinion was on the topic, or how I felt about him moving there. To be honest, I was hurt to see that he was making future plans for his life without considering me or consulting me. It suddenly made me look at our relationship with new eyes. Suspicious eyes!

As for the need to live together, I don't need to live together-together, but ideally in close proximity. Living together with each our kids can potentially be complicated. I do still think that him moving into my other unit could have been ideal. For me, the proximity is practical. Just the last year, the constant moving from one place to another has been exhausting. And then I'm at his place and he has to work late, and I feel trapped in his house while at home there's a million things I could do and him having a work rush would not only not be an issue, but a welcome time to take care of some things like cleaning, laundry, or something more fun like going to a live drawing session. When I'm at his place I just wait for him to be done pretty much. And the same thing for him. For example, when he stays at my place and I have my kids, he can't really get anything done while I'm doing homework with them or bathing them etc. Also, a lot of work lunchtimes are spent moving from one place to another instead of enjoying a nice break. And then there's the constant living out of suitcases, almost forgetting something at the other place and having to go get it. And I also have a cat that refuses to drive in a car, so I'm often leaving her alone for many days in a row. It's all fine for a year or two knowing that there is an end in sight. But doing this for 10+years, I don't know.

I'm not sure how set you are on the idea of living together but it does sound like you're both burning yourselves out at the rate you're going. The solution may be in keeping the overnight stays to a schedule that works better for both of you. If he's working late don't go over as you know it's disappointing feeling trapped in his house. 

I'm getting the feeling that you miss one another and are trying to see each other as often as time allows when you don't have the kids or or when the kids schedule permits also. I wouldn't want to speed things up to make things a little easier. I'd look into slowing things down considerably until there's more clarity about the situation. 

It may be ideal if he moves closer to you or in closer proximity but that may not be what's best or in his or his children's best interests. Choosing to put his children first or other priorities is not necessarily not being committed to your relationship. You are hurt and feeling slighted that he doesn't choose you as in choose your specific offer or solution but that's an insecurity on your part. There's a bit of ego talking as he didn't agree with you explicitly or follow what you wanted.  It could be that this relationship has just too much going on to be sustainable or peaceful in the long run. When deciding what kind of life you want for yourself or your kids, surely a life without peace or feeling maxed out and stressed would also be seen as a turn off. 

[Wiseman2]

Sooner or later the strain of the incompatibility will bear heavily. Focus more on your children, work, family and your own life.

Step back. The tighter you cling the harder it will be when the inevitable happens.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows I think that you nailed it: I just want a peaceful, easier life. I understand that his life is a bit of a mess right now, but I'm ok with that if there's a plan for moving forward into a more quiet and peaceful relationship. But right now I don't see when or if that will happen, and to be honest I feel a bit drained by the whirlwind that our relationship has been this past year. Lots of it has been great, but it has been very complicated, and I'm ready to switch to an easier gear.

Also, I guess you're right about the insecurity. Feeling like I'm an after thought in a relationship makes me feel insecure. I think that's probably not abnormal.

Edited May 5, 2022 by LookingForLongTermLove

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Feeling like I'm an after thought in a relationship makes me feel insecure

Please consider this -- you are insecure, therefore you feel like an afterthought.   Same words, but flipped giving that statement different meaning.

As I alluded to in my previous post, another more naturally secure woman would not be feeling like an afterthought.  She would understand his time constraints, what his priorities are and would be happy with him AS IS, and what he has to offer her at the moment.   It doesn't mean she seeks casual, NOTHING about this situation appears casual and if you only get to see each other every other weekend, it STILL doesn't mean it's casual.    Casual is a state of mind, it has nothing to do with the amount of time spent together imho.

Further, another women would possess the ability to detach from the outcome and simply enjoy the journey.   Her mindset would be, it's the journey NOT the destination.  This is the mindset I've embraced and trust me there was NOTHING casual about any of my long term relationships, including my current.

Again, NOT a judgment nor a character flaw, it's just who YOU are, your nature.  No wrong or right.  What's important is that you find a partner who matches what you want and has the desire and ability to give that to you.

I am not sure why you fight against this notion.   It's become very clear through all your postings. 

And that's OKAY.

Be true to yourself and what you want.  Own it and reject those who are unable to give that to you.

 

 

Edited May 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

12 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@glows I think that you nailed it: I just want a peaceful, easier life. I understand that his life is a bit of a mess right now, but I'm ok with that if there's a plan for moving forward into a more quiet and peaceful relationship. But right now I don't see when or if that will happen, and to be honest I feel a bit drained by the whirlwind that our relationship has been this past year. Lots of it has been great, but it has been very complicated, and I'm ready to switch to an easier gear.

Also, I guess you're right about the insecurity. Feeling like I'm an after thought in a relationship makes me feel insecure. I think that's probably not abnormal.

A crossroads, then. It may be in all this that you're fighting hard for a simpler life and his continues at a pace and with its complications for longer than you're able to sustain. I don't blame you at all for wanting an easier gear. The first flush of romance may be fading a little and the reality of your different lives is becoming clearer. It's very hard once you've formed that bond and enjoy your time with someone.

The feeling of being an afterthought probably comes most from feeling like there's always another priority or too many priorities that come before you. That's a very painful place to be and to know or feel like you are always working hard to be with someone and it may not be reciprocated in the same way. That adds to feeling insecure and anxious. I've tried hard since then to listen to feelings of anxiety and unease. I think it may be your gut telling you that you're too stressed out to continue in the long run. He may not understand that and hears only what you'd prefer which is living in close proximity. 

I wonder what he would say if you told him the way you felt and let the overnight stays cool down for awhile, spend more time with your respective families and more time at home getting things done, less living out of a suitcase. Have more 1-2 hour dates and pace things a bit more. He may feel the same way as you for all you know and like there's a little too much going on. He may also want to bring things to a pace that is more manageable.

[chillii]

2 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I just want a peaceful, easier life. I understand that his life is a bit of a mess right now, but I'm ok with that if there's a plan for moving forward into a more quiet and peaceful relationship. But right now I don't see when or if that will happen, and to be honest I feel a bit drained by the whirlwind that our relationship has been this past year. Lots of it has been great, but it has been very complicated, and I'm ready to switch to an easier gear.

No actually you summed it all up and nailed it right there yourself.

You two could separate for now and you could get on with life and leave him to get his organized and who knows. You might even touch base again in a few yrs when things have smoothed out or there's a way, or you might've started new lives separately and that will be that. Not easy l know , but it's pretty clear this isn't what you want right now, go with that and what will be will be.

 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@poppyfields I get what you're saying but I disagree. I agree that some people are just insecure no matter what, but that is a minority of adults my age. When you're younger and have less life or relationship experience, it's a different story. The way I see it: people feel insecure in relationships because they have insecure attachments. They have insecure attachments because of something about their relationship, for example the love and affection that they are receiving in their relationship is inconsistent In my case, the discrepancy between his words and actions, him changing tunes through our relationship etc makes it difficult for me to feel securely attached. It's difficult to be feel safe in a relationship when you are worried that you have no future together. I'm happy for you that you have found your stride and that it works for you. My brother has a similar outlook: he seeks out relationships where there is a certain physical distance (an hour or two) because he wants to keep his independence while being in a committed relationship. He feels like he's suffocating when he lives with a partner. Mind you, he doesn't have kids, and is a free-lancer (not a very busy one either). So, for him it's not an extra stress in his life to find time to travel 2-3 hours every weekend or so to see his partner: it's a pleasure in fact. It's like every weekend is a vacation, an adventure. For me, that kind of lifestyle is just not an option: I have a busy career in marketing, plus I'm a photographer on the side and have photo shoots almost every weekend I don't have kids. I also try to keep up my art skills by going to life drawing sessions whenever I find time. Plus my two kids that I have 50%, plus my elderly parents that are lonely and need lots of phone calls and visits. Then I also have lots of friends, many of which that are long-time friends that live in different cities, and visiting them requires taking whole weekends (I try to take the kids with me to see friends who also have kids). In other words, I have a very busy and full life. My father came to visit a few weeks ago, and he was like "your life is so busy and hectic!". My house is where the kids of the whole neighbourhood hang out on weekends. On a typical Saturday that I have my kids, there are at least 10 kids in my house that I need to feed, and parents coming in and out of the house to chat and to grab a drink. When I met my boyfriend, one thing I really appreciated about him was how willing he was to fit into my life (my previous boyfriend hated how social my life is), how he so willingly wanted to hang out with everyone and found his place in my crowd of people. Despite all his drama, being with him seemed easy. The difficult part was the moving between houses, but I thought (and not just thought, but he expressed this as well) that it was temporary and that one day we would be "steady" enough that this would end because in my mind it was clearly not sustainable. So in that sense, it's not that I'm not willing to just enjoy the journey, take things as they come etc., it's that it's logistically difficult to sustain a long distance relationship and the life that I have. I would have to make major sacrifices to accommodate it. And some parts of me think that he's worth it and I should just do it, but then other parts of me feel that I might make me frustrated and unhappy.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@glows You are wise! I think you really understand the situation that am in. Yes: too many priorities before me. And yes, feeling stressed out. I know he feels stressed out too. We are both trying very hard to make this work, but the "making it work" with all of our other engagements and responsibilities often involve hanging out in not great circumstances. For example, my ex often travels for work, and even though I tried to align my schedule with the kids with his, often I have kids on weekends that he doesn't, so he hangs out with all of us because he wants to be with me. He's great with my kids, but his presence with us in my house when I have the kids, and he's not in his own space, can be challenging. I'm happy to have him there and it brings me great pleasure to see him develop such a great relationship with my kids. But when he's around with them, it's stressful because I'm worried about the kids and him. He's not in his house, so it feels like having a visitor that you need to entertain: I put kids to sleep and I need to find something for him to do.