Difficulty envisioning our future together (updated)

[LookingForLongTermLove]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this forum and wasn't sure where to post. Hope this is the right spot!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We are both divorced (him two years me three) with children (me 2 kids, him 3). Overall, our relationship is the best I've had. I find us to be incredibly compatible both in personalities and values. We have disagreements that we manage to talk through with respect for one another, but  we don't fight. There's a lot of mutual respect and I feel that overall he is attentive to my needs. I get the sense that he is happy in our relationship and would like it to last a long time, and I feel the same.

That being said though, he is going through a nasty custody battle right now that will most likely go to trial next year. His lawyer is confident that he will get the 50% access that he wishes for perhaps even before trial (they have a Court hearing in June which looks somewhat promising). Because of the difficulty of this situation, he has entirely kept me out of his life. I met his mother and kids one time in the context of a party with lots of people present, but that's it. It's not that he doesn't want to introduce me or make me part of his life, but he's afraid that his ex will get upset and make their negotiations even more difficult. Meanwhile, he is fully part of my life: my parents, my kids, my friends etc. In that sense, although I understand his motivation and I don't blame him at all for making those choices, our relationship feels unbalanced.

Furthermore, as him and his ex lived about an hour outside town (I live downtown and so does he at the moment), once he has 50% custody, he plans on buying a house near the kids' school and move out to the country. Again, I understand his motivation and the plan makes sense, but I can't help feel kind of sad, insecure and anxious about the whole situation. I can't help but feel that he's planning the rest of his life and I'm not in it! I'm trying to envision what our lives will be like once that move is made, and the way I see it right now is that we will both have our completely separate lives except for two weekends per month that we will spend together. I'll be like his secret lover that receives the table scraps of his time, and to envision this makes me feel incredibly insecure and sad. On the one hand, he gives me the impression that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he talks about how cool our lives will be once we're retired together, but on the other hand, there has been no mention so far of where and how I will fit into his life in the next two years. 

Am I being irrational and unreasonable in my concerns? Am I overreacting? Dramatizing the situation? 

I would love your feedback and advice! Thank you in advance!

Edited July 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

he is going through a nasty custody battle right now that will most likely go to trial next year.  he's afraid that his ex will get upset and make their negotiations even more difficult. he plans on buying a house near the kids' school and move out to the country.I can't help but feel that he's planning the rest of his life and I'm not in it!

Sorry this is happening. It's only been a year so step way back and don't make him this much of your life. Sadly he is still way too involved with drama and trying to be near his ex/kids. He never had both feet in the relationship as a result. Protect yourself, your kids and your heart from a drama and conflict filled man. If you end it, you'll dodge a bullet.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's in any place to have a relationship at this point in his life. 

Everything is completely lopsided and he's got too much on his plate to have a healthy, thriving and mutually-satisfying relationship. He talks big about the future but the present doesn't lend itself to those future fantasies. 

Personally, I would bow out here. Maybe you could reconnect somewhere down the line once his dust settles, but I would not put myself on hold for that. 

[chillii]

Firstly , so called sensing he is happy in you guys you both should know you are and pretty obvious, we knew within wks. He talks about retiring do you talk about you two now and near future to? l'm so sorry for him and his trial man the things fathers go through and so his kids to, so wrong and sad. But that sounds like it'll all be over next yr sometime , if you love ea other you should be able to get through with your support.

As far as being around his kids and family think of him, think of his kids. You have yours, you can't imagine what it's like most women can't bc they some how automatically get their custody. He's obviously got one of those ex's bc any sensible caring for her kids ex has no need for that bs, bc it's about them having their father and him to , just as much as it is about her. So in not being around them , it's only been a yr and so another yr it might all be done, it's about your bf and his kids future.

His moving so that'd be for what maybe 5 or 10 yrs depending on their ages. That's your real thing. How far apart driving wise would you be? Surely you could manage more than two wkends a mth. l did that for 9yrs there was much more free time you get organized, lots of wknights and odd days, wizzing over to ea others place. But you won't be a typical together any old time couple for a long long time depending on their ages though unless you all move in together later sometime.To me, having somebody loving somebody though, it's whatever we can manage, until further notice. Bc that doesn't grow on trees, you leave that and settle for what, no love, or not the same connection , if you even find that, after a few yrs in between alone again first to, why. Pretty simple maths in my book but l suppose that's your main issue and question to yourself. Many here would be outa there if posts are any judge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

Am I being irrational and unreasonable in my concerns? Am I overreacting? Dramatizing the situation? 

No, I think your concerns are valid. And I also think you need to bring them up to him. How does he envision your relationship looking after he moves to the country? If he confirms the every second weekend thing, then you have your answer and have to make a decision. 

[smackie9]

Oh well...wait and see the outcome of the courts. Then make your decision.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

he is going through a nasty custody battle right now that will most likely go to trial next year. His lawyer is confident that he will get the 50% access that he wishes for perhaps even before trial (they have a Court hearing in June which looks somewhat promising). Because of the difficulty of this situation, he has entirely kept me out of his life.

This is all you need to know. Unless he's paying you $250.00/hr., don't listen to his custody problems. Let him talk to his attorney/therapist. He is not ready, willing or able to have a relationship with you at this time.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

You are trying to have a relationship with a man who has a ton of baggage and three children.  He is not able to give you the type of commitment or relationship that you want, and he's making that perfectly clear to you.  You are not a priority in his life, because with all the problems and other commitments that he has going on, there's no way that he is able to make you a priority.  He straight out told you that he's planning to buy a house further away from you and not see you very often.  Him saying that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you doesn't mean much.  It's his actions you need to look at, not his words.  All he's able to do is throw you scraps.  

You have two choices here.... either settle for a very limited relationship with this man in which you will feel unsatisfied, or walk away and find someone who is actually available in the way that you want.  This man isn't.  

[LookingForLongTermLove]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've given all your comments some thought, and also addressed the issue directly with him. He said that in an ideal world, he would love to move in together with all the kids. However, he needs to make his kids his number one priority (and he pointed out that I do the same with mine as I would not be willing to move away from my kids' friends and school for him, which is true), and me his second priority as long as the kids are still young and dependent on him. After our conversation, he brought up the topic with his two older kids (10 and 14) that said they would like to live in the city, but not during the week as a one-hour commute each way to school would be too much. His ex is a rural doctor where they used to live, so she would not be willing to move into the city and further away from her work.

The conclusion of our conversation was that he feels that he has little control over this situation, and he's afraid he will loose me because of it. Furthermore, until he knows what the Court will rule, and what his custody arrangement will look like going forward, he's not in a position to make any kind of housing decision. One additional factor for him is money: he's spent a fortune on this custody battle, and isn't sure what he can afford where given real estate prices soaring by the minute. I proposed to him that perhaps a solution could be for him to move in with me (my house is currently a duplex but used to be a single family house that could be converted back which would then have more than enough bedrooms for everyone. He could also first move into the other unit and we could convert back once everyone is used to living together) and temporarily stay at his mother's (she lives out there as well) on weekdays with the kids. Long term, he could buy a duplex in the rural area, rent one unit and use the other on weekdays with the kids. The rental should cover the cost or most of the cost of his unit. He seemed open to that idea but said he can currently not commit to any living situation until the results from Court in June. He seemed sincere.

I do think that he's a really great person, and that he means it when he says he wishes for us to stay together a long time. He's just very preoccupied with his situation, which also puts external restrictions on our relationship.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@chillii I hear what you're saying. He seems to have a similar outlook to yours: he says "we're right for each other and this won't be forever. We just need to find a way to make this relationship work despite constraints until kids are older, and then we'll be free to live wherever we want". I guess my issue is that I would like a typical relationship that doesn't involve living out of suitcases in two separate houses (which has been our last year together). On the other hand, as @ShyVioletsuggested, I have looked high and low for men, and I know what's out there! I've been on SO MANY DATES since my separation. I dated a few men for short periods of time (a few months), but no one really seemed right. I'm lucky in the sense that I'm pretty attractive, have a good career, and can have an in-dept conversation on pretty much any topic, and in that sense, have been getting a lot of interest when I was dating. However, no one really seemed like a long term option until I met this guy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that it's easier said than done to find someone compatible as a long term partner.

[Els]

It's not his fault that things are the way they are, but it's not at all wrong either for you to want more than he can give you. This is not going to be temporary,  it's going to be a decade or so, and that's a long time to be settling for a relationship that's not what you want.

I hope you're aware that some of the posters telling you to stick this out have themselves suggested leaving for all sorts of (IMO) much smaller and much more temporary issues, like a partner working long hours for a few years or a sex life that's not entirely what they envisioned. At the end of the day, we all get to choose our own priorities. And if being fully part of each others lives is a priority for you, then it doesn't really make sense for you to drag this out until his kids are adults. You only have one life,  don't waste 10 years of it giving someone else what they want while you don't get what you need.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

I proposed to him that perhaps a solution could be for him to move in with me

Do not let him move in for this reason alone. What's the rush to live together/blend families? Take your time. Especially consider the wisdom of someone who is now "broke" because he uses his kids as pawns in his divorce. That is never in children's best interest. 

Take your time getting to now him better and stop trying to rush him into your life and fix his problems. 

On 4/29/2022 at 3:43 PM, LookingForLongTermLove said:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year.

 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@Wiseman2 I am not at all trying to rush into anything. I totally agree with you that it's in everyone's interest to take our time and slowly get used to each other before all moving in together. My concern is that he feels in some ways that he's been homeless for 2 years since his separation, and would like to find some stability in his living situation. He has been looking at buying a house in the area where his kids go to school which, to be honest, sent me in a bit of a panic. I don't feel that everyone moving in together is a good move right now, but him buying a house is a pretty permanent situation. In other words, he is looking at making a decision that will affect the next 10 years of his life sometime this summer if the Court's recommendation is satisfactory. I therefore have no other choice than to prematurely consider this situation.

@Elswyth thank you for your comment. You've pretty much nailed it! This is exactly the situation. I feel very conflicted as on the one hand I really feel that he is perfect for me, but on the other hand, the situation is definitely less than perfect. I have so many things to deal with in my life as it is between work, my kids, taking care of my parents, friends, that this constant forth and back between houses has already taken a toll on me after just one year. And currently he lives within a 15 minute drive and it's very easy to navigate between two houses. But once he's an hour away, it will be a different story. Furthermore, the distance to my work would be too far to be staying with him on work days. I feel very conflicted!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

 he feels in some ways that he's been homeless for 2 years since his separation, and would like to find some stability in his living situation.

Do not fix this. You're not a homeless shelter or the welfare department. He's manipulating you. If he wants to squander his money on a hateful divorce, why should you fix this?

Particularly since he keeps you at arms length and is so obsessed with this court battle that there is zero attention to building anything with you. You need to focus on yourself and your children and step away from his chronic complaining.

[Els]

7 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

 

@Elswyth thank you for your comment. You've pretty much nailed it! This is exactly the situation. I feel very conflicted as on the one hand I really feel that he is perfect for me, but on the other hand, the situation is definitely less than perfect. I have so many things to deal with in my life as it is between work, my kids, taking care of my parents, friends, that this constant forth and back between houses has already taken a toll on me after just one year. And currently he lives within a 15 minute drive and it's very easy to navigate between two houses. But once he's an hour away, it will be a different story. Furthermore, the distance to my work would be too far to be staying with him on work days. I feel very conflicted!

Frankly, I would not stay. And I'm saying this as someone who did ultra-long distance for 2 years with the person who eventually became my husband.

10 years is a very, very, very, very long time. If his kids were 16 and 17 my answer would be different.

[stillafool]

I wasn't aware that a divorce could keep a good father from gaining 50% custody of his kids.  Who asked for the divorce and why?  Normally after divorce people don't want to be stuck in another relationship right away but want to see what their options are and try them.  I think I'd let this guy go for now and deal with his situation.

[chillii]

1 hour ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

On the other hand, as @ShyVioletsuggested, I have looked high and low for men, and I know what's out there! I've been on SO MANY DATES since my separation. I dated a few men for short periods of time (a few months), but no one really seemed right.

Yeah see that was my point. Apart from the shear feelings alone, most end up chasing their tail for yrs if they walk away from the one great thing they do find, it's all over LS to. Buttt , to me there's also another angle as you've talked more here. BC if you walked away from this then it seems that'd genuinely be for all the right reasons bc from what you've said you'd be hard pressed even managing it all anyway.

Well, genuinely being true to ourselves is another matter and life has a way of understanding that to. That's not just throwing it away, maybe it just isn't the right thing for you. Maybe the true right thing just hasn't come along yet. That can also be just a timing thing, he is in the thick of it , and life understands that to.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@Wiseman2   once he's an hour away, it will be a different story. Furthermore, the distance to my work would be too far to be staying with him on work days. I feel very conflicted!

Try not to fret. Let him do what he needs to do and move where he needs to.

If the inconvenience becomes an issue then let go. You have a lot on your plate already and although a convenient 15 min distance right now seems to make it work, there's still a lot of red flags to notice. 

Don't be anxious about his potential move. All his words and actions so far indicate short term thinking, so try not to hang on so tightly. 

Have faith and confidence that someone more suitable will come along and not just add more stress to your life.

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@stillafoolIt's kind of a long story how all this came to be. The short of it is that from what I understand they met really young but were never really compatible. I know how this goes as me and my ex husband lived the same situation. When you're in your late teens/early 20s when you meet, you don't have enough life experience nor relationship experience to know if someone is truly a good match. It's only later, as the pressures of life start weighing down on you that conflict arises because of a lack of compatibility. But by the time you realize, you're married with kids and it's hard to end it. So essentially that's what happened to them. Except that she decided that she wanted full custody and not share custody with their father, and in order to gain that has accused him of domestic violence and drug abuse which he now needs to dispute in Court. They've been in and out of Court over this for the last two years, but as she has again and again failed to provide proof for her accusations, it looks like this might be settled in Court within the next year. There's also been an investigation by the Children's Lawyer's with a report saying that they conclude that the accusations have been fabricated. The whole thing is a lie as he clearly has zero tendencies towards domestic violence (he's the nicest, most considerate and mild mannered man I've been with) and no drug consumption whatsoever. But as I said, it seems this is coming to an end within the next year, and his lawyer thinks there's a good chance that at the Trial the judge will order that she retroactively covers his legal fees. @Wiseman2I am not trying to fix him nor his situation. When we started dating and he told me about his situation, I made it clear that while I am willing to be supportive of him through his legal struggles, I don't want to be his therapist or lawyer, nor do I want this to monopolize most of our conversations. He's been mostly dealing with his separately from our relationship although he will ask for my opinion when in doubt, or read me a message before sending it to make sure that the tone is appropriate. It's a difficult situation for sure, and it's affecting him of course. But he has been very aware of how this situation could affect me and has been respectful of my boundaries.

On another note, I hear everyone's comment and I have been giving this quite a bit of thought over the past weeks. @Elswyth10 years is a really really long time. I totally agree! And I don't see myself making the compromises I made this past year for another 10 years. Some people are ok with that, in fact prefer it. My brother is one of those people. But this is not my preference. I am not in any rush, but I need to know that the point that I'm in in a relationship is a step in a progression towards something more. I need to know that there's evolution and not stagnation. I'm almost certain that at the Court hearing in June he'll get enough additional access that he'll need to quickly make a housing decision. If that decision is to move out to the country, then I'll probably need to walk away as the situation will only make me unhappy over time. I don't want to nag him into choosing to move downtown though. I feel that I've clearly said how I feel about the situation, and I clearly expressed my concerns about being unhappy/frustrated if we were to put that much distance between us and have separate lives for the next decade. If he doesn't bother to try to find a compromise between my needs and his kids needs, then this is probably not worth pursuing. Having children of my own, I totally understand making your kids a priority. But I don't believe that priorities really need a hierarchy. You can simultaneously prioritize two sets of people, and try to find a compromise between these two. In my case for example, I would be willing to move halfway from the two places once my oldest is in high school (in two years) as he will then be going to school outside my current neighbourhood anyway. This is what finding compromises between separate priorities looks like. I'll wait and see if he's willing to do the same. If he's not, I'll have my answer.

 

 

[stillafool]

Who asked for the divorce, was it him or her?

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@stillafool She did. In the worst possible way actually. He had a car accident. It was pretty bad and he landed in the hospital. They had a fight that evening over moving closer to the city since he had a very long commute to work downtown every day (he was spending 2+ hours daily commuting). He was arguing that it would be fair to move halfway and for both of them to be commuting a little bit. Furthermore, the town that he was suggesting moving to had much better schools for the kids and a high school for his older son (who hadn't started high school yet but was looking at a 45 minute bus ride each way from their town). He strongly believed that a move would be in everyone's best interest. She refused to start commuting to work for the benefit of the rest of the family, so they had a fight about it. He was upset and left the house to go for a drive and reflect on the conversation, and being probably upset and distracted wasn't paying proper attention to the road and crashed the car. A few days later,  she sent lawyer's documents to his hospital room informing him that she wanted a divorce and will keep full custody of the kids. The documents then went to explain her reasoning around domestic violence and drug abuse. He basically got out of the hospital a few weeks later with severe injuries having lost his house, wife and kids. I think he's been handling the situation pretty well considering circumstances.

 

 

[stillafool]

 So he never wanted the divorce and she filed because of logistics.  This is the #1 reason not to get your hopes up on this guy.  If he were the one to ask for the divorce and file my answer would be different.  For all you know and most likely, he is still in love with her they just can't get along.  

[LookingForLongTermLove]

@stillafool I have asked him about this before. He said that if he had the choice, he would have liked to stay with the mother of his children because he didn't have 3 kids with her with the intention of not raising them together. However, after all she did to him, all the love that he had for her in the past has died, and that even if she suddenly suggested a reconciliation he is now far beyond even considering such a thing.

 

 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, LookingForLongTermLove said:

@stillafool I have asked him about this before. He said that if he had the choice, he would have liked to stay with the mother of his children because he didn't have 3 kids with her with the intention of not raising them together. However, after all she did to him, all the love that he had for her in the past has died, and that even if she suddenly suggested a reconciliation he is now far beyond even considering such a thing.

 

 

Yes and I've heard this before and the couple still reconciled.  You need to let him work this out alone.

[Wiseman2]

What exactly was his role in the breakdown of their marriage? He seems to present himself as the victim of cruel treatment, false allegations etc. yet seems to have no insight into the real reasons she wanted a divorce. You seem to know more about all his court cases than how your relationship stand.