Is she not ready for the relationship?

[MaxxNY]

Hello everyone,

A little background story: I have known this girl for about 2-3 years. We have been a part of the same camping/hiking group, strictly friends. Last October, she was going on a camping trip, and invited me to join her. We got to know each other much better, and the friendship turned into something sexual.  

We are both 42. She spent the last 15 years raising her daughter, going to school etc so she did not date much until her daughter was out the house about 4 years ago. When she got back on the dating scene she was pleasantly surprised that you can reap the sexual benefits without being involved in a relationship(her own words). She was very active and in 4 years had over 50 casual partners. When we first got involved I did not set any expectations, but we spent a lot of time together in and outside the bedroom and the friendship turned into a relationship. I specifically asked if that is what she wanted. She claimed that her past was a phase catching up on the lost years, she likes what we have and wants to be exclusive. 

First instance:

Shortly after, we have a conversation about other partners, and tying up the loose ends. She was seeing some guy casually who was also seeing other women. She told him that she was seeing me, but did not tell him we were together. She told me she did not seen him since the first time we were together and would cut him off.  I accepted that, and never brought up the guy again. She is spending time at my place, and her phone rings, come to find out its the guy she was supposed to cut ties with. I look at her a bit surprised, and ask if she had "the conversation" with him. She said she did not. I asked if he has been reaching out to her asking to meet. She admitted that he has, but she has been ignoring those messages. I asked why after missing those hint for a while she did not ask him to stop.  She said she was "concerned" about the guy's emotions and how he would take that. Hearing that I am of course surprised. This is someone that you are supposedly seeing casually, he is seeing other women. You are supposed to be involved with me, but have this guy soliciting you for sex. I told her that it was disrespectful to me and our relationship. I was also surprised that she prioritized his feelings over having a clean start with me. She supposedly had the follow up conversation, I took her word for it, the subject never came back. 

Second instance: At the beginning of our relationship she was scrolling through some camping pictures we took together. She scrolled too far and some x-rated pictures and videos showed up. Those were all taken  before we met, but were very kinky, some showing her past interactions. I asked why she did not delete them, she stated she simply did no have the time to go through all her pictures and they did not mean much. Since its her past, and I had no reason to believe she was still involved with them, I looked at them as an old relic. I joked around about it and asked her to show me some of her provocative shots. She was a bit guarded about that, which was a bit of a red flag since we have a very kinky sexual relationship. I left it alone. 

About a week ago, we are talking on the phone and she states that she is running out of space on her phone, and needs to make some space by deleting old pictures. I smirk, and say, its time to remove some of those dusty d**k pics. She danced around the subject and said she might pay for extra storage. Since those are the pictures that did not mean much to her (supposedly) I pressed the issue. She told me that those pictures and videos represent her past and the sexual experiences that made her who she is today. She enjoys looking at them occasionally as they make her "laugh" I acknowledged that, but also said that its called the  past for a reason, and by holding onto those pictures and videos she is holding onto the past. 

She responds by saying its not about the people, but about the sexual experiences. I refused to accept that as those are not random porn videos, but specific experiences she had with other men. The conversation escalated where she actually got defensive and upset. Initially I viewed those as something she left behind and since I believe she has not been with anyone else, it was not an issue. However, the fact that now I see two instances of her holding onto or prioritizing people from her past over setting boundaries makes me think that she is either not ready to be in a committed relationship, or she simply does not value the relationship we have. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and I appreciate all the insight and advice. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by MaxxNY

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, MaxxNY said:

I smirk, and say, its time to remove some of those dusty d**k pics. I pressed the issue.

It sounds like you are in the friendzone. Is that what you're fearing?

Whatever you are at this point, it's inappropriate to tell her what she needs to do with her personal content.

[MaxxNY]

Thank you Wiseman. perhaps you are right about her treating this as a "friends" situation. Yes, I have no right to ask her to do anything with those pics. Its the fact that she made a point of holding onto them to a point of contention that makes me question where she stands in this. 

[dramafreezone]

57 minutes ago, MaxxNY said:

Hello everyone,

A little background story: I have known this girl for about 2-3 years. We have been a part of the same camping/hiking group, strictly friends. Last October, she was going on a camping trip, and invited me to join her. We got to know each other much better, and the friendship turned into something sexual.  

We are both 42. She spent the last 15 years raising her daughter, going to school etc so she did not date much until her daughter was out the house about 4 years ago. When she got back on the dating scene she was pleasantly surprised that you can reap the sexual benefits without being involved in a relationship(her own words). She was very active and in 4 years had over 50 casual partners. When we first got involved I did not set any expectations, but we spent a lot of time together in and outside the bedroom and the friendship turned into a relationship. I specifically asked if that is what she wanted. She claimed that her past was a phase catching up on the lost years, she likes what we have and wants to be exclusive. 

First instance:

Shortly after, we have a conversation about other partners, and tying up the loose ends. She was seeing some guy casually who was also seeing other women. She told him that she was seeing me, but did not tell him we were together. She told me she did not seen him since the first time we were together and would cut him off.  I accepted that, and never brought up the guy again. She is spending time at my place, and her phone rings, come to find out its the guy she was supposed to cut ties with. I look at her a bit surprised, and ask if she had "the conversation" with him. She said she did not. I asked if he has been reaching out to her asking to meet. She admitted that he has, but she has been ignoring those messages. I asked why after missing those hint for a while she did not ask him to stop.  She said she was "concerned" about the guy's emotions and how he would take that. Hearing that I am of course surprised. This is someone that you are supposedly seeing casually, he is seeing other women. You are supposed to be involved with me, but have this guy soliciting you for sex. I told her that it was disrespectful to me and our relationship. I was also surprised that she prioritized his feelings over having a clean start with me. She supposedly had the follow up conversation, I took her word for it, the subject never came back. 

Second instance: At the beginning of our relationship she was scrolling through some camping pictures we took together. She scrolled too far and some x-rated pictures and videos showed up. Those were all taken  before we met, but were very kinky, some showing her past interactions. I asked why she did not delete them, she stated she simply did no have the time to go through all her pictures and they did not mean much. Since its her past, and I had no reason to believe she was still involved with them, I looked at them as an old relic. I joked around about it and asked her to show me some of her provocative shots. She was a bit guarded about that, which was a bit of a red flag since we have a very kinky sexual relationship. I left it alone. 

About a week ago, we are talking on the phone and she states that she is running out of space on her phone, and needs to make some space by deleting old pictures. I smirk, and say, its time to remove some of those dusty d**k pics. She danced around the subject and said she might pay for extra storage. Since those are the pictures that did not mean much to her (supposedly) I pressed the issue. She told me that those pictures and videos represent her past and the sexual experiences that made her who she is today. She enjoys looking at them occasionally as they make her "laugh" I acknowledged that, but also said that its called the  past for a reason, and by holding onto those pictures and videos she is holding onto the past. 

She responds by saying its not about the people, but about the sexual experiences. I refused to accept that as those are not random porn videos, but specific experiences she had with other men. The conversation escalated where she actually got defensive and upset. Initially I viewed those as something she left behind and since I believe she has not been with anyone else, it was not an issue. However, the fact that now I see two instances of her holding onto or prioritizing people from her past over setting boundaries makes me think that she is either not ready to be in a committed relationship, or she simply does not value the relationship we have. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and I appreciate all the insight and advice. 

Well, she has shown her priorities.  Only thing you can do is give her less of your time since she does not value it as much as she does other things, like her computer photos. 

I think people can be highly proactive with these types of things if they don't want to mess up a good thing.  If she really valued you she would not even take that chance that you'd see that, she'd wipe them clean off of her computer, because she wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression of her.  But she has the photos still because she does not care what you think of her.  If she does not care what you think of her, she cannot see you as a viable long-term romantic partner.

The ultimate negotiating position is having the ability to walk away.  If nothing changes by pulling your time back then you see where you fall as far as a priority in her life.

Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[glows]

When it comes to something personal like that about whether a person keeps old "relics" or lives more of a minimalist lifestyle, that's for you to observe while dating that person. I think you're seeing her as she is and this is part of deciding whether you're compatible with someone over time. I lean more towards the minimalist. I don't need or want photos or "relics" to remind me of memories. I can think back and recall those memories anytime I want and I don't like clutter. I don't generally get along very well with individuals who place a lot of importance on material items, photos or things. I understand also that people can develop very strong attachment to photos and items. That's up to each individual or what they need to feel safe and secure. That she is now defensive with you suggests that she feels you're pushing too hard and a bit too aggressive. 

I'd leave off on this for now and instead of trying to fit her into the girlfriend role, decide whether she belongs there in the first place. You don't have to force this. 

 

[MaxxNY]

5 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Well, she has shown her priorities.  Only thing you can do is give her less of your time since she does not value it as much as she does other things, like her computer photos. 

I think people can be highly proactive with these types of things if they don't want to mess up a good thing.  If she really valued you she would not even take that chance that you'd see that, she'd wipe them clean off of her computer, because she wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression of her.  But she has the photos still because she does not care what you think of her.  If she does not care what you think of her, she cannot see you as a viable long-term romantic partner.

The ultimate negotiating position is having the ability to walk away.  If nothing changes by pulling your time back then you see where you fall as far as a priority in her life.

Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, MaxxNY said:

the fact that now I see two instances of her holding onto or prioritizing people from her past over setting boundaries makes me think that she is either not ready to be in a committed relationship, or she simply does not value the relationship we have.

 I think you two have very different boundaries, yes. To the point where you're not actually very compatible as a couple. 

You might have a good time together generally, but when it comes to the important issues, you're just not on the same page. You can't tell her what to do, but you can step back and ask yourself if this relationship is worth the headaches. 

[chillii]

Her past and attitudes make for very poor relationship material you sure you even wanna bother. As for her memories so called , try having yours on your phone and seeing how any gf or partner likes that, l'll give you one guess. l doubt even she would it's always amazing how things conveniently turn when the shoes on the other foot. And nope, l wouldn't take her seriously at all l'm sorry.

Edited April 28, 2022 by chillii