Boy with ambiguous behavior

[Acacia98]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

This is a fair point.

In your OP you stated that three weeks is a long time for someone who is really interested in you and that he hasn't made plans to meet you for three weekends, but also that you weren't available for those times due to other commitments.

What's going on there?

Sounds like she was available on the relevant weekdays and that they generally went on dates on weekdays.

[Wind_Rose]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Indeed.

I am not sure if I should just put my head in the sand and have a sign that says do not resuscitate with my name on it. 

On a positive note - there's less support for it these days (attachment theory) and it's more likely that people just become attached to different people in different ways.

Do you mind if I ask what his profession is? There is no need to answer, just curious.

I'd say give it some time.

Some of the things you mention above could have certainly been misconstrued negatively and given him pause.

There's no harm in continuing to be there if he has ever given you a reason to think that he genuinely wants to get to know you.

In time, it will become clear to you whether he wants to invest in you and whether he wants to see you again or not if you are the right woman for him.

Then again, it is important to also be okay with giving up at some point if/when the time comes.

He works as a gravure printer worker. This is why he has shifts.

I'm in confusion right now. Sometimes I think I need to be patient, that he cares to get to know me better, he's just tired and stressed, sometimes I'm thinking he's not giving enough effort.

 

7 hours ago, glows said:

The generous take is I don't think you made a good first impression on his family/mother and he's not available enough to ask you out on a date. The less than generous outlook is that he wanted to have sex with you and is then keeping you around but isn't interested in actually dating you.

The US vacation plans sound distant and quite loose with no plans in place at all. At this point he's only a chat/text friend if he's not asking you out. I'd mention that you're interested in dates and meeting in person rather than chatting/texting on the phone. He might finally get the hint. 

 

I think your second opinion is more realistic. I hope he's not just into having sex with me, but I really don't think that having made a bad impression on his mother could make him pull off.

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He has difficult working hours and not a regular work schedule.  This makes it difficult to plan things.

Since you can work any time you should arrange your schedule around his if you want to see him.

Did you plan these weekends away after you met him or before.  He has to work crazy hours during the week so of course he's tired, plus if you work all the time you have things to do like errands, laundry, etc., on at least one of your days off.

So he did try to see you but you weren't free yet you're complaining that he hasn't made time for you.  You're just as bad.

I am a freelance but I cannot work anytime. Sometimes things are difficoult also for me. In this period I'm working 10/12 hours a day. Anyways... I can find time for someone I care even if this means I'll not be able to sleep.

I planned those weekends before meeting him and told him as soon as I remembered. I told him to ask if we could find a solution to see each other anyways. I didn't remember to tell him those were plans I've made before meeting him and from his first answer I thought I saw some resentment, but I'm not sure since it was a text and he didn't tell me anything about it.

We had planned to see last week on tuesday night. At 23pm he sent me a vocal saying he just arrived home and was too tired to come to my home. He told me if I wanted to go to him, but that he was really tired and didn't guarantee to stay awake a lot. I answered there was no problem and that I could go but maybe it was better if he just took some rest intead of seeing me. I asked him for saturday since the plans I had for the weekend just blew up (I had to go away with my sister who wasn't feeling good) but he had to go to a match with his friends.

On thursday morning the firend with whom I had a dinner planned for that night call me to tell me she was sick. I immediately told him and he answeres without saying yes or no, just that the morning after he had to wake up early to go to work. I wrote him that we could see early that night in order for him to rest, but that if he was again too tired, there was no problem and we could see each other another night. This was at 1pm. He didn't asnwer. At 5 pm I wrote him again. No answer. From about 8 pm I stopped watching the phone because I was feeling really bad since he didn't answer.

At about 9.30 pm he sent me a vocal (he could also have called....) to tell me that he had a busy day. He described the whole day and told me that he didn't asnwer because he didn't know if at the end of the day he would have been too tired or not.. And then he told me we could see each other.

Well, I wasn't looking at the phone and a friend came by to have dinner with me and talk since I was really feeling anxious about that day. Could you blame me? He could have immediately told me that he didn't know and that he would tell me that night. It's just some basig respect not leaving someone hanging for an answer for the whole day.

Maybe I'm too insecure, but I'm not bad.

Anyways, I looked at the phone at 11pm and it was too late. Then next day he apologized for not texting me the whole day and we had a clarification.

After that, I hoped he would ask me out on sunday or monday (here in Italy ir was holiday), but nothing. And we texted so I know he didn't have other plans.

So... I guess he was tired again... But he had two days... 

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

I think this is your answer, OP.  This was at best a very childish thing to do and, at worst, rude.  I'm guessing he thought about it more and came to the conclusion that you are not a good fit.

It could be. We talked about it after and I told him I almost had a panick attack and that I didn't mean to be rude.

 

55 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

This is a fair point.

In your OP you stated that three weeks is a long time for someone who is really interested in you and that he hasn't made plans to meet you for three weekends, but also that you weren't available for those times due to other commitments.

What's going on there?

I'm not good with quoting, but I answered now to some similar answers 

24 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he expected too much too soon. Joking about marriage so early, wanting to introduce you to his parents so soon... 

I get it. People can be enthusiastic or can be close to their families. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing to meet family early. But he should have understood your hesitation and respected it. The fact that he didn't is a red flag. So regardless of how things develop between you two, that's something that suggests you should take a step back and consider whether he's the right person for you.

Also, in my personal experience and based on many posts I've read on this forum, folks who come on too strong at the beginning of dating tend to lose interest very quickly. One day, they're burning with passion for you and want to conquer the world with you. The next day, they're lukewarm. In my opinion, this guy would have done the same thing regardless of how you reacted. So by all means, take a huge step back. 

I think this too. I think he didn't have to insist on me for meeting his parents when I wasn't ready. But from other answers here, I guess it's not that obvious. Someone may think it differently... to the point I've been rude.

But I'd like someone on my side who can understand I'm shy and not rude and that respects my timing so, if the reason he's acting cold is because his mother told him I am rude, maybe he isn't right for me. I guess you're right. I should take a step back and see what happens.

 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

He works as a gravure printer worker. This is why he has shifts.

I'm in confusion right now. Sometimes I think I need to be patient, that he cares to get to know me better, he's just tired and stressed, sometimes I'm thinking he's not giving enough effort.

I was going to say.

With night shifts and what you described/how you described him and your interactions I was wondering if he was in law enforcement. 

27 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

So regardless of how things develop between you two, that's something that suggests you should take a step back and consider whether he's the right person for you, especially given your personality type. I think you need to be with someone sympathetic who will understand your anxiety.

Yes, OP something to consider.

Remember that it's only been, what, 1.5 months?

The thing is he did rush in the discussion of marriage very quickly, and wanted you to meet his parents right away.

In no way am I trying to guess what his motives are, but often rushing in with that kind of haste is more anxiety-driven than anything else.

Maybe just dial back the tempo a bit. Particularly if you have avoidant tendencies, it is important to consider whether your personalities mesh. It might be that someone who is more practical and attentive and responsive a better fit, then you might simply need someone who has a more secure personality that brings nonreactive, stable energy. 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

We talked about it after and I told him I almost had a panick attack and that I didn't mean to be rude. I'd like someone on my side who can understand I'm shy and not rude and that respects my timing so

Dating is not therapy, so it would be a good idea to get the anxiety/panic attacks under control.

It sounds like he is simply losing interest, perhaps he's seeing others, perhaps he thinks you acted  strange, who knows?.

What you do know is he is not making time for you.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Under the circumstances, I wouldn't cancel my plans at the last minute.

I certainly can understand too her not cancelling her plans; but don't complain that he hasn't tried to see you especially when he's stated his work schedule keeps changing.  That was probably his only free time off and why he's frustrated with his job.

[glows]

Regardless the communication seems spotty and halfhearted. If you're deciding to date someone who isn't happy in any aspect, job or whatever, you're going to run into issues like this. It depends how long you want to keep associating with someone who just doesn't have the same ability to be as engaged or in a relationship with you.

I agree with you, OP, that he could have responded to your text instead of waiting till the end of that day to respond. It's just common courtesy and if he's so unhappy or frustrated with his life, chances are he's going to do what he's going to do without thinking much about you.

[Wind_Rose]

Hi everyone! There has been some development..

On 4/28/2022 at 5:24 PM, stillafool said:

I certainly can understand too her not cancelling her plans; but don't complain that he hasn't tried to see you especially when he's stated his work schedule keeps changing.  That was probably his only free time off and why he's frustrated with his job.

That time, I asked him to see each other, telling also that if he was tired, it wasn't a problem to me and that we could arrange for another day. This at about 1pm. He didn't answer for hours and at about 5 or 6 pm I wrote him again.. No answer again until 9.30 pm.... And I wasn't looking at my phone because I was already having dinner with a friend since he didn't have the courtesy to write back.

 

On 4/28/2022 at 7:43 PM, glows said:

Regardless the communication seems spotty and halfhearted. If you're deciding to date someone who isn't happy in any aspect, job or whatever, you're going to run into issues like this. It depends how long you want to keep associating with someone who just doesn't have the same ability to be as engaged or in a relationship with you.

I agree with you, OP, that he could have responded to your text instead of waiting till the end of that day to respond. It's just common courtesy and if he's so unhappy or frustrated with his life, chances are he's going to do what he's going to do without thinking much about you.

I guess you're right and the turn of events confirm it.

The conversation has been difficoult. In some moments he was just as before, but then cold again. One day I wrote him something about the holiday toghether, that I managed to take two weeks and he told me he was so happy to read my message, and to read me like that. After that, for some days he wrote me a lot, but then, cold again..

We saw each other again and it was really difficoult because one day he told me he couldn't wait to see me and the next day he wrote just to say that if I was too tired, we could cancel.... So, confusion again! We went out to train toghether. He was running and I rode a bike. He seemed happy to be toghether and in the end he insisted that I went to his parents' house because I needed to go to the bathroom (his house is 5 minutes from his parents house but he didn't want to go because he had to watch a footbal match with his dad that night....).

So, since he insisted, I accepted going to his parents' home and meeting them. Again, he seemed really happy and wanted me to stay for dinner with him but I felt it was rude to just stop by at his parents' like that, so he told me, ok.. another time.

Then, the next week he asked me to train toghether again, this was the past week. Again, he seemed happy. He also made a joke about thinking to buy a home toghether in a place I liked. But he also told me about some insecurities he has. That he didn't go on with his studies and didn't make sports because he was too insecure and he didn't manage emotionally to get out of situations he found difficoult. So, he just quit. He also told me that with relationship it wasn't like this before, that when he was younger he was more confident, but right now it's not like this anymore. I tried to talk a bit about this, but it's a difficoult task also to me, so the conversation didn't go anywhere.

Anyways, both of the time we trained toghether, when we said goodbye, we didn't even kiss... I felt so frustrated...

Now, some days have passed and he acted cold again, so I felt I needed to talk about it. I cannot handle anymore this situation.

 

SO I wrote him a message, basically saying I'm sensing some distance. That I really like him and I'm trying not to run away, but to me, it's a difficoult situation because I feel like I'm chasing him.

I told him that if he's just scared, we can talk about it. That I'm scared too. But if he has no interest in going on getting to know me, that he should just tell me. Cause I have no interest in staying in the life of someone's who's not happy about it. In the end I told him I'd take some distance..

And..... No answer! Radio silence from two days... I'm really sad about it. I feel that disappearing without an answer is one of the most cruel things someone can do.

In the past, I've felt blocked and run away as soon as I started feeling something for a guy, so I can understand fear, if this is what we're taliking about. What I don't understand is avoiding to answer. I'm in confusion because this never happened to me before so I don't know whether to write him again or not.

Apart from stop thinking about him, which is something I know I should do, also because I don't like his attitude to quit everytime he finds an obstacle, do you have any suggestions?

Or just only clarification. I think I just need to understand what happened because now I'm fearing it could happen again.

Thanks again to everyone who will try to help!

[smackie9]

Hot/cold people really need to be avoided. Their behaviour never changes. Run for the hills.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Wind_Rose said:

But he also told me about some insecurities he has. That he didn't go on with his studies and didn't make sports because he was too insecure and he didn't manage emotionally to get out of situations he found difficoult. So, he just quit. He also told me that with relationship it wasn't like this before, that when he was younger he was more confident, but right now it's not like this anymore. I tried to talk a bit about this, but it's a difficoult task also to me, so the conversation didn't go anywhere.

It sounds like he's trying to find himself and isn't quite there yet. This person isn't ok to date. There is nothing you can say or do that will change that. Try to recognize when someone isn't at that stage and don't overinvest. You wanted this to be something more than what he could be/give you. 

Why was he talking about marriage or houses? Did you express interest in that? He might have been trying to be pleasant or agreeable. Note that a whole lot of people date to try to work through and distract themselves from personal problems going on with themselves or at home. Open your eyes and continue to be observant. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Wind_Rose said:

And..... No answer! Radio silence from two days... I'm really sad about it. I feel that disappearing without an answer is one of the most cruel things someone can do.

Protect your heart and step away from him. He seems too distant and cold to have the type of relationship you wish to have.

Edited May 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

No don't send him anymore messages or try again to talk to him about his distant behavior.  He's just not that into you and that's okay and best you know sooner than later so you don't waste your time.  There are plenty of men out there.  You'll be okay.

[Stret]

One possibility: After you had sex, he lost interest - the chase was over. I had this happen to me once. He was chasing me for months, saying big things, and did everything for me till I fell in love with him. Then we had sex. And he suggested we just stay friends the next day. He had his issues - only slept with one woman in his life and he was in his 40s. 
Not sure if this is your situation but you should be happy to get rid of him now that you know he is just giving you anxiety and in the end not even having decency to say good bye properly. He's really not a relationship material - he's not even a material for dating and clearly has to work on himself. But these issues are usually coming from something deeper so you've dodged the bullet.