Boy with ambiguous behavior

[Wind_Rose]

Hi everyone!

I'd love some advice on a situation that is making me feel insecure. I've met a guy about a month and a half ago. We met on a dating site and after some messages he asked me out on a date.

We met and talked a lot and before saying goodbye that night he told me he wanted to be clear about the fact that he liked me and wanted to see me again. In the next days he texted a lot and started organizing the next date. It was almost too much for me, but he was so enthusiastic I didn't complain.

We went on another date and again it was a wonderful night. We talked until 3 am and I didn't know he had to wake up at 5am that morning to go to work. Then after some days he suddendly started being colder and writing less. After some days ha told me he had some issues and we talked about it. It's a weird period for him with work and he often experiences anxiety and feels blocked. He would like to change job because every week he has different shifts, also at night, and this drives him crazy, plus the feeling of confusion and of not being organized and able to do anything about it.

Just for joke, I told him I would go to him to take him out of his cave since he was really feeling bad, and he was happy about it, so the next night I went to him just to talk and again: we spent the night talking.

After that we had two more dates when we started getting more intimate and he started talking me about holidays together and sending me a lot of different websites to see some road trips we could do.

On our last date he seemed really happy. He joked about marriage and having kids (I felt a bit anxious for this jokes because I need a lot of time for a relationtship to develope, but I tried not to ruin those happy moments). He wanted me to meet his parents since we were near their house, but I felt really anxious and run back into my car because his mother arrived in that moment and I felt embarrassed to know her. He told me he talked for a whole night about me to his parents and that his mother saw me and said I had been rude running away, but we talked about it calmly and he said next time... So I didn't feel this was a problem. We spent a beautiful night together, or at least I felt it that way. We had sex for the first time and after that he cuddled me for hours and we talked and we joked a lot. I have trust issues and I am often avoidant, but this time I was really happy about how things were developing and felt secure. But from the next day I felt something changed.

He didn't text me. I did and he told me he was dead tired. We haven't seen each other since and it's been almost three weeks now. He textes me everyday and talked a lot about our holiday together, but he seems distant sometimes and he didn't ask me out again. I was already planned three weekends away and told him, hoping we could see each other during the week, but he always says he's too tired and even tough he had some free night from work, we just texted and he didn't ask me to see him. I asked him but ther was always a problem. A night he told me late he wasn't too tired and we could see each other, but I wasn't free anymore that night.

I'm getting really insecute about this situation and don't know what to do. I know he's in a difficoult period of his life, but I also know that when someone wants to get to know you and likea you, find time. Also a lunch or a breakfast together. I am a freelance so I can arrange my working time. We live at half an hour distance, not too much. I don't think he's seeing someone else because when he doesn't work he textes me or send me vocals and he's always alone with his dog at the park or at home. Maybe he's depressed, I don't know.

I'm questioning the interest he has in me. Maybe he's not dating someone, but met another girl he likes or he's just not convinced anymore about me. What I don't understand is why texting me and speaking about our holiday together. I feel three weeks is a lot.

Since I don't understand what's going on, I don't know what to do. Should I ask him directly if he has no more interest in getting to know me? Or does this sound lame? Should I just give him space?

I really hope someone could help me clarify a bit this situation. Thanks in advance!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. He seems a bit neurotic. Step back from all this.

Instead work on your self confidence and slow down on the texting and insomniac all night marathon dates.

Next time, pace yourself and get to know each other in a more relaxed fashion.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wind_Rose said:

Should I ask him directly if he has no more interest in getting to know me?

No don't ask him that question because afterall you said he's still texting you every night so it doesn't apply.  I think he was a bit put off by his mother being right there and you being too afraid to meet her thus making her think you are rude.  I don't know what his nationality is but if his mother has a bad opinion of you that could be a deal breaker for you to be his gf.

[Wind_Rose]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

No don't ask him that question because afterall you said he's still texting you every night so it doesn't apply.  I think he was a bit put off by his mother being right there and you being too afraid to meet her thus making her think you are rude.  I don't know what his nationality is but if his mother has a bad opinion of you that could be a deal breaker for you to be his gf.

We're Italian so our parents' opinion counts but not to the point to decide not to be with someone. I'm not even sure he wasnt joking about his mother. Maybe she didn't even see me.

Yes, he writes me everyday and most of the time he writes me first, but the fact he's not trying to see me really confuses me. Also taday he sent me videos of ideas for our trip together and asked me if I looked at something. But I became really insecure.

What if he met someone he likes more that he isn't sure about and just texts me not to lose his second option? 

I'm thinking about writing him I know it's a difficoult preiod for him and I know I had three weekends with other plans, but if we want to go on with our frequentation, I would like to find a solution together so that we could see each other more. And I'd also add that to me it's important the time spent together and I don't want a "relationship" with someone I can't see for weeks (except exceptions of course). What do you think? I'd try to write him in a non accusatory way trying also not to be lame about it, but setting my own boundaries.

 

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He seems a bit neurotic. Step back from all this.

Instead work on your self confidence and slow down on the texting and insomniac all night marathon dates.

Next time, pace yourself and get to know each other in a more relaxed fashion.

I know I have to work on my self confidence. I realized ambiguous behaviours like his are really a trigger to me because of some things I've lived in the past with my family. It's really hard, but I'm trying, but at the same time I like him and I would like to geto to know him more. So, of course, I'll take a step back, but how can I manage to have more real contact with him?

Thank to you both for your answers. I really appreciate it.

 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

I know it's a difficoult preiod for him and I know I had three weekends with other plans, but if we want to go on with our frequentation, I would like to find a solution together so that we could see each other more.

This is what you need to do because you are at fault as much as him.  3 weekends you're tied up so what is he supposed to do?  Did you give him a time you'd be available to date?  Also iff he's sending you pics of places to go on vacay just ask in a flirty way when does he want this to happen?

Edited April 27, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

I know I have to work on my self confidence. I realized ambiguous behaviours like his are really a trigger to me because of some things I've lived in the past with my family. It's really hard, but I'm trying, but at the same time I like him and I would like to geto to know him more

Excellent insight. Yes, take a step back so that you can pace yourself and avoid the anxiety of dating someone new.

Communicate in a tennis match fashion, that way you know you're never texting too much or chasing.

[glows]

He may be relying on the idea of a vacation to get through the fatigue and frustration with his work, OP. You're just there to keep him company but he's not really functional or able to be in a relationship at this point. I don't really take anyone seriously unless they have tickets or bookings to show for ideas. Less is more when it comes to making plans and you're finding out early that he likes to talk, likely unable to do enough. I wouldn't respond to the vacation texts and ask him instead when you're  meeting each other next. You can talk about the vacation details in person also. 

[Wind_Rose]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is what you need to do because you are at fault as much as him.  3 weekends you're tied up so what is he supposed to do?  Did you give him a time you'd be available to date?  Also iff he's sending you pics of places to go on vacay just ask in a flirty way when does he want this to happen?

I told him in advice I had plans for these weekends in order to decide together when we could see each other. I was worried he could react badly, but from how he answered I didn't think so... Howewer, I'm not sure about it. I didn't think to tell him that I've made those plans before starting seeing him also because we saw each other on a weekend just once because I've always been busy on weekends.

But even if he wasn't happy with my busy weekends, now three weeks have gone.. I've asked him out more than once... Isn't it too much if he really liked me?

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent insight. Yes, take a step back so that you can pace yourself and avoid the anxiety of dating someone new.

Communicate in a tennis match fashion, that way you know you're never texting too much or chasing.

Thanks, I will try to do so... 

1 hour ago, glows said:

He may be relying on the idea of a vacation to get through the fatigue and frustration with his work, OP. You're just there to keep him company but he's not really functional or able to be in a relationship at this point. I don't really take anyone seriously unless they have tickets or bookings to show for ideas. Less is more when it comes to making plans and you're finding out early that he likes to talk, likely unable to do enough. I wouldn't respond to the vacation texts and ask him instead when you're  meeting each other next. You can talk about the vacation details in person also. 

It could be. I believed him because we spent a night together looking for places we wanted to visit and because he told me that we could go everywhere I want and I can with my job. He also told me he could switch one of his holiday weeks with a collegue if that could help me organizing with my job. I though he was telling it for real. But I guess you're right, I shouldn't have taken him so seriously.

I also told my parents about him because I felt a bit guilty when he told me he spoke about me with his parents and asked me if I did the same.....

I don't know... I'm feeling a bit stupid right now. This is the first time in my life I trust someone (or at least I try) soo quickly and start making future plans, and I might have chosen the wrong guy...

[glows]

In my opinion, mentioning his parents at one and a half months of dating does sound too soon. He may be heavily enmeshed or needs his mother's input in his dating life. I usually steer clear of grandiose ideas with no backing or tangible proof bringing thought to action. Keep in mind that people can think and want things but not have any way of achieving them or they aren't realistic for even the short term.

It's unknown why he's so desperate to talk about marriage. If he's given the benefit of the doubt, maybe he wants to show you that he's a family type of man and he's not there to jerk you around. He may want to know if you feel the same way about it yet you can't quite know if you'd be interested in a future with him if you hardly know him either at one and a half months.

You won't know either if he's consistent or flaky unless you see how he actually follows through on his plans or ideas so date to observe and enjoy your time together. I'm assuming you are enjoying yourself. If you're not and feel uncomfortable with his behaviour or things he says, tell him you're not a match and don't see him anymore. Don't feel pressured to stick around just because he's giving you a lot of compliments or bombarding you with future plans and commitment talk. The true test of a person's character is shown through time. So take your time.

Edited April 27, 2022 by glows

[Wind_Rose]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

In my opinion, mentioning his parents at one and a half months of dating does sound too soon. He may be heavily enmeshed or needs his mother's input in his dating life. I usually steer clear of grandiose ideas with no backing or tangible proof bringing thought to action. Keep in mind that people can think and want things but not have any way of achieving them or they aren't realistic for even the short term.

It's unknown why he's so desperate to talk about marriage. If he's given the benefit of the doubt, maybe he wants to show you that he's a family type of man and he's not there to jerk you around. He may want to know if you feel the same way about it yet you can't quite know if you'd be interested in a future with him if you hardly know him either at one and a half months.

You won't know either if he's consistent or flaky unless you see how he actually follows through on his plans or ideas so date to observe and enjoy your time together. I'm assuming you are enjoying yourself. If you're not and feel uncomfortable with his behaviour or things he says, tell him you're not a match and don't see him anymore. Don't feel pressured to stick around just because he's giving you a lot of compliments or bombarding you with future plans and commitment talk. The true test of a person's character is shown through time. So take your time.

You're right... Those things were really too soon. Normally I would've run away, but this time I don't know. He was so enthusiastic that he was contagious in some way and I thought that after all, love at first sight could happen (not to me.. I mean to him), so I believed him. I thought he told me those things because deep down he wants a family and wanted to find out if I was of the same opinion too.

I've really enjoyed the time spent together, what I don't understand know is why he doesn't make an effort to see me. Three weeks is starting to be too much time since we don't live far away. The only plausible reason I can think of is that he lost interest, but I can't figure out how it happened since the last time he seemed so happy to stay with me.

Anyways, you're right, I should take my time. Just one thing: do you think I should tell him that I would like to find a way so that we could see each other more, or I should just wait?

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

You're right... Those things were really too soon. Normally I would've run away, but this time I don't know. He was so enthusiastic that he was contagious in some way and I thought that after all, love at first sight could happen (not to me.. I mean to him), so I believed him. I thought he told me those things because deep down he wants a family and wanted to find out if I was of the same opinion too.

I've really enjoyed the time spent together, what I don't understand know is why he doesn't make an effort to see me. Three weeks is starting to be too much time since we don't live far away. The only plausible reason I can think of is that he lost interest, but I can't figure out how it happened since the last time he seemed so happy to stay with me.

Anyways, you're right, I should take my time. Just one thing: do you think I should tell him that I would like to find a way so that we could see each other more, or I should just wait?

I'm curious what is this holiday he keeps talking about and what are the dates. Is it soon? He may not have lost interest in you.. his mother did. Didn't he say to she thought you were rude for running away? If I had to guess what's happening behind the scenes is he likes talking with you but his mother disapproves of him dating you. Maybe she believes her son can do better. 

You can try to tell him that you'd like to see him more often and see what he says. You know that more excuses is a waste of time. I'm truly sorry you're feeling so anxious. I really don't think dating ought to be like this.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, Wind_Rose said:

We had sex for the first time and after that he cuddled me for hours and we talked and we joked a lot.

So he  didn't start pulling back until after the last time you saw him which was the first time you guys had sex?  I don't understand if his mother was coming and you ran back to your car how did you end up having sex with him that night?  Where?  At his parents home or his?

[Wind_Rose]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So he  didn't start pulling back until after the last time you saw him which was the first time you guys had sex?  I don't understand if his mother was coming and you ran back to your car how did you end up having sex with him that night?  Where?  At his parents home or his?

We were taking his dog back to his parents house before going to his house. He told me to come insider with him so that he could introduce me to his father and I got nervous. Even though it wasn't an "official" introduction, I felt it was too soon. Plus, I'm really shy and I need to be prepared before for this kind of things.

When I was telling him I didn't want and he was trying to convince me, a woman with a bike arrived in front of his parents' home. He told me "oh that's my mother. Come with me so I can introduce you to her too".

I got so nervous that I just said no and got back into my car hoping it happened too fast for his mother to even notice me.

So, he brought his dog to his parents' home alone and after that we got to his house.

[Wind_Rose]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I'm curious what is this holiday he keeps talking about and what are the dates. Is it soon? He may not have lost interest in you.. his mother did. Didn't he say to she thought you were rude for running away? If I had to guess what's happening behind the scenes is he likes talking with you but his mother disapproves of him dating you. Maybe she believes her son can do better. 

You can try to tell him that you'd like to see him more often and see what he says. You know that more excuses is a waste of time. I'm truly sorry you're feeling so anxious. I really don't think dating ought to be like this.

Thank you

Undortunately I always feel very anxious whenever I start feeling something for someone. I have issues I'm trying to solve with therapy but I guess it's a long process. Let's just say I usually have an avoidant type of attachement. This time though, I felt I did really try to make a connection with him avoiding to pull him away as I usually do.

He would like to go on a road trip to the USA for three weeks on june. I told him I cannot take three weeks away from work in june..Maybe two, but I'm not sure. Anyways, he told me that if I can't go to the US, he's open to everything I can do, from Europe to staying here in Italy.

I don't know. Sometimes he really seems to be happy to get to know me and can be very nice and enthusiastic, but some other things are huge red flags.

Above all.. why isn't he trying to see me? He probably doesn't miss me enough....

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Wind_Rose said:

Let's just say I usually have an avoidant type of attachement.

I welcome you to my world.

It sucks. 

In a sense, it's hard because it's a constant struggle between two kinds of fear at once: the fear of becoming too close to someone and the fear of being too distant. 

Three weeks might seem like a long time, but you aren't long distance, so I'm not sure what the deal is.

What is it about meeting his family that made you anxious?

 

[Wind_Rose]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I welcome you to my world.

It sucks. 

In a sense, it's hard because it's a constant struggle between two kinds of fear at once: the fear of becoming too close to someone and the fear of being too distant. 

Exactly as you said And yes.. It sucks.. And it's also energy draining!

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

What is it about meeting his family that made you anxious?

 

I don't know.. It was just something I wasn't excpecting and wasn't prepared for.. I was in a tracksuit.. But also that wasn't really the point. Maybe what scared me was that getting to know his parents could imply we were a couple. At this early stage of a "relationship" I normally fear also hugs, taking hands and all that kind of things related to affection. Not sex. Sex is different. For example as he was speaking he told something like "we've made love.." and I replied "we aren't at that point.. [it was just sex]..". Of corse I told him this in a nice way and joking so we both laughed, but the part of me that needs to keep distance sometimes just pops up even though I'm trying really hard to change from my usual pattern.

Anyways..Three weeks is a long time for someone who has a real interest.. Or at least it seems so to me..

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Wind_Rose said:

Exactly as you said And yes.. It sucks.. And it's also energy draining!

I don't know.. It was just something I wasn't excpecting and wasn't prepared for.. I was in a tracksuit.. But also that wasn't really the point. Maybe what scared me was that getting to know his parents could imply we were a couple. At this early stage of a "relationship" I normally fear also hugs, taking hands and all that kind of things related to affection. Not sex. Sex is different. For example as he was speaking he told something like "we've made love.." and I replied "we aren't at that point.. We just f***ed..". Of corse I told him this in a nice way and joking so we both laughed, but the part of me that needs to keep distance sometimes just pops up even though I'm trying really hard to change from my usual pattern.

Anyways..Three weeks is a long time for someone who has a real interest.. Or at least it seems so to me..

Indeed.

I am not sure if I should just put my head in the sand and have a sign that says do not resuscitate with my name on it. 

On a positive note - there's less support for it these days (attachment theory) and it's more likely that people just become attached to different people in different ways.

Do you mind if I ask what his profession is? There is no need to answer, just curious.

I'd say give it some time.

Some of the things you mention above could have certainly been misconstrued negatively and given him pause.

There's no harm in continuing to be there if he has ever given you a reason to think that he genuinely wants to get to know you.

In time, it will become clear to you whether he wants to invest in you and whether he wants to see you again or not if you are the right woman for him.

Then again, it is important to also be okay with giving up at some point if/when the time comes.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Wind_Rose said:

Above all.. why isn't he trying to see me? He probably doesn't miss me enough....

The generous take is I don't think you made a good first impression on his family/mother and he's not available enough to ask you out on a date. The less than generous outlook is that he wanted to have sex with you and is then keeping you around but isn't interested in actually dating you.

The US vacation plans sound distant and quite loose with no plans in place at all. At this point he's only a chat/text friend if he's not asking you out. I'd mention that you're interested in dates and meeting in person rather than chatting/texting on the phone. He might finally get the hint. 

 

[stillafool]

On 4/27/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wind_Rose said:

He would like to change job because every week he has different shifts, also at night, and this drives him crazy, plus the feeling of confusion and of not being organized and able to do anything about it.

He has difficult working hours and not a regular work schedule.  This makes it difficult to plan things.

On 4/27/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wind_Rose said:

I am a freelance so I can arrange my working time. We live at half an hour distance,

Since you can work any time you should arrange your schedule around his if you want to see him.

On 4/27/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wind_Rose said:

I was already planned three weekends away and told him, hoping we could see each other during the week, but he always says he's too tired and even tough he had some free night from work,

Did you plan these weekends away after you met him or before.  He has to work crazy hours during the week so of course he's tired, plus if you work all the time you have things to do like errands, laundry, etc., on at least one of your days off.

On 4/27/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wind_Rose said:

A night he told me late he wasn't too tired and we could see each other, but I wasn't free anymore that night.

So he did try to see you but you weren't free yet you're complaining that he hasn't made time for you.  You're just as bad.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Wind_Rose said:

He would like to go on a road trip to the USA for three weeks on june.

Above all.. why isn't he trying to see me? He probably doesn't miss me enough....

Yes, that's an important question. If you are just textbuddies at this point,  decide if you want someone to date in person, because he seems too checked out at this point.

[introverted1]

On 4/27/2022 at 4:48 AM, Wind_Rose said:

He wanted me to meet his parents since we were near their house, but I felt really anxious and run back into my car because his mother arrived in that moment and I felt embarrassed to know her.

I think this is your answer, OP.  This was at best a very childish thing to do and, at worst, rude.  I'm guessing he thought about it more and came to the conclusion that you are not a good fit.

[Alpacalia]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So he did try to see you but you weren't free yet you're complaining that he hasn't made time for you.  You're just as bad.

This is a fair point.

In your OP you stated that three weeks is a long time for someone who is really interested in you and that he hasn't made plans to meet you for three weekends, but also that you weren't available for those times due to other commitments.

What's going on there?

[Acacia98]

I think he expected too much too soon. Joking about marriage so early, wanting to introduce you to his parents so soon... 

I get it. People can be enthusiastic or can be close to their families. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing to meet family early. But he should have understood your hesitation and respected it. The fact that he didn't is a red flag. So regardless of how things develop between you two, that's something that suggests you should take a step back and consider whether he's the right person for you, especially given your personality type. I think you need to be with someone sympathetic who will understand your anxiety.

Also, in my personal experience and based on many posts I've read on this forum, folks who come on too strong at the beginning of dating tend to lose interest very quickly. One day, they're burning with passion for you and want to conquer the world with you. The next day, they're lukewarm. In my opinion, this guy would have done the same thing regardless of how you reacted. So by all means, take a huge step back. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think this is your answer, OP.  This was at best a very childish thing to do and, at worst, rude.  I'm guessing he thought about it more and came to the conclusion that you are not a good fit.

I agree.  It wasn't as if it was a planned meeting which I could understand you not wanting to meet his parents so soon.  But, when you're in the parents driveway dropping off the pet and the mom arrives home on her bike in the driveway it is a bit rude to run and hide in the car so you don't have to meet her.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

So he did try to see you but you weren't free yet you're complaining that he hasn't made time for you.  You're just as bad.

Based on the way she describes it, it sounds like he had indicated being unavailable on that particular day. She had gone on to make other plans. And then at the last minute he had changed his mind and said he was available. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't cancel my plans at the last minute. So I don't think it's wrong that she didn't.

But that's my interpretation of events. Maybe I'm wrong.