Was it only sex then? I want more.

[Weezy1973]

On 4/28/2022 at 4:00 AM, Amanda141 said:

i just wonder what is that makes guy switch from “I only wanna have fun” to “I actually want to know this girl better and see if we could be a couple”

All guys are different, but very generally guys will have casual sex with a wide range of women, whereas if they’re going to commit, it will be to a woman he sees as a great catch (for him).
 

[ ] 

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
start of off topic discussion

[Will am I]

[ ]

I have great hopes that you can move yourself from "this hot girl I know" into "this girl that I'm madly in love with". But you will have to make that happen and it's not going to happen by repeating the second date time and again. You needs to add a much more romantic factor. I wondered a little bit if she should take away sex for a bit but I'm not sure. It can still be the cherry on the cake if her date gives her a beautiful and romantic evening, but I would advice against doing it just for fun.

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
directed post to the OP

[introverted1]

I don't think her having sex on date #2 matters in terms of his desire to see her.  If he wanted a date #3, he'd set it up, regardless whether they'd had sex. Unless the sex was awful. 

It's easy to blame early sex when the guy's interest fades right afterwards, but it's just as possible his interest would have faded anyway.  It's impossible to know because once sex is in the mix, everything becomes about the sex.

Quote

He just texted me if I have plans this weekend. I said “not yet and you?” - waiting for his reply. I really hope he proposes something more than sex night… I’ll keep you posted

This was a perfect opportunity to reply with something like: "What do you have in mind?" with a smile. It moves the conversation along.  Of course, if he was just asking for curiosity's sake and not to try to set something up (does anyone really do this?), then this won't work.  But again, if he wants Date 3, he'll go for it.  No man is going to back off from asking for a date because the woman replied this way.

 

[Weezy1973]

[ ] A guy who has a lot of options will commit with someone his equivalent ir better. Same with women. Essentially if the guy has better options, you’re in the casual zone.
 

Every guy is different though, so “better” is just better for him. And the OP can’t control what this particular guy deems important, attractive etc. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

UPDATE

He just texted me if I have plans this weekend. I said “not yet and you?” - waiting for his reply. I really hope he proposes something more than sex night… I’ll keep you posted

Is there any scoop to share?

[Allupinnit]

If you don't want a casual FWB, then don't have casual sex, it's that simple.  I don't understand why women will put sex on the table right away, but then worry about how he feels after the fact.  You're two adults who enjoyed a consensual encounter.

If he's a hot, tall athlete on a dating app then hooking up with women is like shooting fish in a barrel.  He was gunning for it the first night, like he does with all of his dates.  He's in his 20's.

Now, here we are coming up on the weekend and you've gotten nothing more than "Got any plans?" with zero indication from him that you've been on his mind and he's looking forward to seeing you again.  No cute texts the next day, etc. 

I wouldn't hold my breath. 

If you're NOT ok with feeling used then don't casually hook up with men from dating apps. 

Edited to add: the second night you hung out wasn't a "date."  He was already going to be out and about and invited you to come along, and when you're out clubbing with a hot guy and alcohol is involved then the inevitable often happens.  Easy peezy.

Edited April 28, 2022 by Allupinnit

[princessaurora]

I think this dude wanted sex from the beginning. He asked to go back to your apt the first night and even though you shut him down you continued to make out with him, so he knew the chances were good you'd hook up with him the next time. Now he's throwing you a bone, by asking what you're doing this weekend, and you tell him you have no plans yet, so he knows if he wants to see you again, you'll be available and he can get sex again. I know some people don't think early sex makes a difference, but watching my friend who's been dating for over 20 years and several of my coworkers go through guy after guy with no success has shown me how often women really do get used. It would be different if you were just looking for something casual, but clearly you're looking for a relationship and sexual tension is part of what you build on.

Now are there exceptions to the rule? Of course. I had two instances of early sex that resulted in relationships, but more often then not, it becomes a ONS or a short fling and then the woman is left heartbroken because she believed this time it would be different, that he was different. In both of my instances the guy reached out right away and made plans with me again. He didn't seem unsure or need to sleep on it like your dude. This guy's behavior mimics the exact same thing I've seen played out again and again with a guy whose just hooking up and then moving on. 

I know you didn't want to hear this and I'm not trying to be negative, But my gut tells me he's not looking for anything more than casual, so I would seriously guard my heart. If a dude is asking if he can see your apartment on the first date, he has already shown you what his intentions are with you and it's highly unlikely you'll move past the fling category. 

 

 

[poppyfields]

[ ] 

As men get older, their serum testosterone levels drop and as such, their "pair bonding" hormones increase. 

This allows them to become emotionally "ready" to commit and bond with a woman they find special and meets their criteria.

[ ] 

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic

[Amanda141]

Hello guys, thank you from the deep of my heart for all the insight and advice!! 
honestly I know I deserve more and he is probably just looking for something casual. I probably will give him another chance but making clear I am not a sex object.

I know my value. I have a master degree, full time job, I fluently speak 3 languages and I reguarly do sport, apart from having amazing friends and family. A guy should be a “plus” in my life, making it even better, not making me wonder like this all the time if he actually wants me.

he just replied (22 hours after)

saying this:

”So on Saturday I will play some Tennis until lunch. In the afternoon I will prob go to **** park for a bit bc a bigger student group will play beer pong there. If you have never been to this park be cool to check out. Otherwise we could meet up in the evening at *** bar at central station. It might be closed but we could also check out the *** rooftop bar, at least online it says it would open at 7 PM.”

Needless to say, I’m not going to play beer pong for a date. I appreciate he suggested something else, but the two bars he proposed are literally 10 minute walking distance from my place

What should I reply?

[Amanda141]

PS I didnt mention he is a Master student right now

[Calmandfocused]

Amanda am I reading this thread correctly? 
 

Did this guy tell you before the 1st date that he is not looking for anything serious? 
 

If this is correct I have 2 questions for you; 

1) why did you agree to meet him in the first place knowing that you’re looking for different things? 
 

2) What makes you think you can change his mind? 
 

In any event; if a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship with you (or any variation of this) believe him right away. Don’t hang onto a hope that he will change his mind. He won’t. 

[glows]

What do you want to reply? Going to a bar and getting tipsy is one step from getting into bed with him. It lands you back at square one potentially anxious about what his intentions are.

If you are genuinely enjoying the sex and intimacy then why second guess this? It may fade out naturally as the chemistry you both share doesn't translate towards a relationship, isn't fulfilling enough.

I would trust myself a bit more in this case and know what you want versus hoping for someone to turn into someone you'd like. You can walk away if the sex becomes dull over some time because there isn't enough involvement or commitment over time.

Edited April 28, 2022 by glows

[Amanda141]

4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Amanda am I reading this thread correctly? 
 

Did this guy tell you before the 1st date that he is not looking for anything serious? 
 

If this is correct I have 2 questions for you; 

1) why did you agree to meet him in the first place knowing that you’re looking for different things? 
 

2) What makes you think you can change his mind? 
 

In any event; if a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship with you (or any variation of this) believe him right away. Don’t hang onto a hope that he will change his mind. He won’t. 

Nono we haven’t discussed this. He never told me what he is looking for, I am just assuming based on his behaviour

[Allupinnit]

Honestly it sounds like a 25-year-old guy who drinks way too much and enjoys casual sex when he's drunk.  Beer pong for a date??  LOL

I'm not sure how you can build something with someone whose only interest is getting wasted at bars close to your apartment.

[Amanda141]

Usually I barely drink so I don’t think getting tipsy/drunk would be a problem. 

Did I enjoy the sex with him? Do I want to do it again? Yes

but

do i want something more meaningful? Again, yes

Maybe I can propose dinner

[Allupinnit]

1 minute ago, Amanda141 said:

Usually I barely drink so I don’t think getting tipsy/drunk would be a problem. 

Did I enjoy the sex with him? Do I want to do it again? Yes

but

do i want something more meaningful? Again, yes

Maybe I can propose dinner

Why can't HE propose a real date other than getting drunk at bars/clubs?  I'll tell you why...

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Honestly it sounds like a 25-year-old guy who drinks way too much and enjoys casual sex when he's drunk.  Beer pong for a date??  LOL

I'm not sure how you can build something with someone whose only interest is getting wasted at bars close to your apartment.

2nd date he brought me to a club (we drank but none of us was drunk) 

3rd date beerpong? No thanks

i can give him another chance cause I am really attracted to him, maybe I can ask him what he’s looking for… but then if I see our intentions are different, then ciao ciao…

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

Usually I barely drink so I don’t think getting tipsy/drunk would be a problem. 

Did I enjoy the sex with him? Do I want to do it again? Yes

but

do i want something more meaningful? Again, yes

Maybe I can propose dinner

That's a great idea. And then say goodnight. See whether he's up for a 10 km walk on the weekend. 

[Amanda141]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

Why can't HE propose a real date other than getting drunk at bars/clubs?  I'll tell you why...

He wants easy sex. Maybe I can say I’m on my period? Idk I really wanna know this guy! He genuinely seem so interesting. Apart from the looks he seems a smart and disciplined dude. However, probably not in the right mindset yet to commit to a girl only

[Allupinnit]

3 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

2nd date he brought me to a club (we drank but none of us was drunk) 

3rd date beerpong? No thanks

i can give him another chance cause I am really attracted to him, maybe I can ask him what he’s looking for… but then if I see our intentions are different, then ciao ciao…

I mean go ahead but this is how the "hot" guys get away with treating women like casual sex partners.  They don't have to work for it.  

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
languge

[Amanda141]

Just now, Allupinnit said:

I mean go ahead but this is how the "hot" guys get away with treating women like f*ck buddies.  They don't have to work for it.  

I get your point. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Why can't HE propose a real date other than getting drunk at bars/clubs?  I'll tell you why...

My Grandfather told me to beware of men who want to buy you drinks that don't include a meal.  Alcohol works in his favor.

[Calmandfocused]

You’ve got this guy on a pedestal Amanda. Please get your head out the clouds…
 

He likes to drink (a lot) He likes easy sex. He likes to party.
 

If that’s the type you want to date casually or otherwise then that’s your prerogative. But I wouldn’t bank on him being on the same page. 
 

Btw, personally I wouldn’t advise that you hold back on the sex. You’ve done it now. You can’t give a dog a bone then decide to take it back. 
 

Im a woman and if a guy took sex off the table (after we’d done it) because he wanted to get to know me for a serious relationship, I would immediately be turned off. It’s manipulative IMO. 

[Allupinnit]

3 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I get your point. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Run away lol.  Enjoy it for what it was - a hot one night stand.  You'll just keep waiting for him to "step it up" for you when he just wants to get you drunk and have sex.  Then, you'll finally ask him if he sees you as more than casual and he'll have some stupid reasons regarding how he's not ready yet, school takes too much work, he lives with his parents, etc - I see this play out all the time (and in my own experiences as well).  You're already WAY more invested than he is which means you'll be the one to get hurt.  He's invited you along to plans he already has that all involve getting drunk.  That's how childish people operate (although I don't really consider a 25-year-old boy grown yet).

[glows]

Depending on the couple the sex may be mutually beneficial and not a power struggle. On the other hand, there are couples who don't decide to have sex until they know each other for some time and agree to be in a relationship. 

Since you are enjoying the intimacy, enjoy it until it doesn't become enjoyable anymore. I think this is more about you and your limits, less about him being a predator or user of some sort. Don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with.