Amanda141 Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 Met on a guy on a dating app (me, 24 years old, he's 25). I am infatuated with this guy and hence I am becoming nervous. He has like 99% of the characteristics I look for in a man and he's extremely attractive. First date (last wednesday) we went to a very nice bar, and after 3 hours went for a walk alongside the river, sat on a bench and kissed. After some time he asks me "do you wanna show me your apartment" since I lived nearby but I said "Not tonight" as I didn't feel it, I was tired and I had to work the following day. He kept being affectionate, holding my hands and kissing me again. The following day he texted me and then asked me if I wanted to join him and some of his mates in a bar/club on Saturday. Before that we went the two of us in a bar and then to this sort of club. He was again very affectionate, holding hands, hugging, involving me in convos with his friends... and even taking a selfie me and him together. We didn't drink that much, but the mood was generally happy let's say. Around 1am we went home together to my place (he lives in the suburbs with his parents while I live in the center) and had sex all night, literally all night. Again, he was very cute and hugged me a lot. Also when I asked him what he liked he told me "whatever you're comfortable doing". I appreciated it. I really wanted to do it and I have no regrets honestly. I am sooo attracted to him both phisically (it looks like I draw him with a pencil, he's a dream) and inside, as he's very ambitious, sporty and cute. HOWEVER... Given what he told me on our first date (if he could come to my place) and what happened on the second (the sex), I am afraid he was only after one thing. In fact, when tonight I asked him if he wanted to meet me again some time this week his answer was: "Yeah can do that. Let me sleep through this night. I need to get quite some stuff sorted, starting with my head " What does it mean?! I know he has a very busy schedule, finalising his master degree and playing sport in a club, but I just replied "No worries, get some rest :)" Do you think it would have been better if I waited a bit before sleeping with him? What makes a guy switch his mindset to only having fun to going after something more concrete?
Ami1uwant Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 You were a notch on his belt but he doesn’t want a serious relationship. 1
Author Amanda141 Posted April 26, 2022 Author Posted April 26, 2022 @Ami1uwant Why o you think so? how can I make him know I want more and how can I change his mind?
Ami1uwant Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 8 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: @Ami1uwant Why o you think so? how can I make him know I want more and how can I change his mind? it’s hard now. You have to se how it flows. Maybe he changes. At his age I doubt it. im a guy. I know how they are. if they know they are attractive as you say and theyare good talkers and know they can sleep with any girl they date writhing a 2-2 dates they are going to go for the fun and not the relationship. dud you talk to him about past relationships he had and how long the lasted? 1
Calmandfocused Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 (edited) You’re way over investing here. Sex aside you need to remember that it’s been 2 dates. Yep, just 2. Look you chose to have sex with him and that is fine. But you need to see it for what it is. You know he wanted sex with you on the 1st date. He got what he wanted on the second. This is what it boils down to. Yep If you want a man to see you as something more than a sex object, having sex all night on the second date with a man you know clearly wants to bang you is not sending him a different message. It might not be the end but if I was you I’d be seeing it for what it is, and I certainly wouldn’t be counting my chickens. Edited April 26, 2022 by Calmandfocused 2
Author Amanda141 Posted April 26, 2022 Author Posted April 26, 2022 Just now, Ami1uwant said: it’s hard now. You have to se how it flows. Maybe he changes. At his age I doubt it. im a guy. I know how they are. if they know they are attractive as you say and theyare good talkers and know they can sleep with any girl they date writhing a 2-2 dates they are going to go for the fun and not the relationship. dud you talk to him about past relationships he had and how long the lasted? Thanks for your insight. we didn’t talk at all about exes. Honestly, I have a feeling he didn’t have long relationships as he was a student athlete in his bachelor, training 6x a week and traveling USA a lot, then he moved back to Germany (where we both live now) when the pandemic hit 2 years ago. It’s just a gut feeling I have but I may be wrong. Unfortunately he doesn’t use social media that much the thing is I dont understand the need of being so affectionate. Was it only to get me to sleep with him? also, even if I found him extremely attractive (he’s tall, amazing body, dark hair…), some of my friends say he’s good looking but nothing special. I also think he’s a bit shy as sometimes, especially at the beginning of the date, he doesn’t look to me in the eyes when we speak and when we arrived to my place to have sex, he wanted to make sure I closed my room door with the key so that nobody could enter (my flatmates never do so as we are adults and respect each other’s privacy anyway)
Author Amanda141 Posted April 26, 2022 Author Posted April 26, 2022 I know sex on the 2nd date is early… is just that the night out was going so well, I was sooo attracted to him that I really wanted to do it too. Now, I don’t want to rush things but I definitely want to see him again as we talked a lot about other stuff such as current events, our jobs, our studies ecc… and I felt we are really similar. I want to know him more. What do you think of his message? 2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: You’re way over investing here. Sex aside you need to remember that it’s been 2 dates. Yep, just 2. Look you chose to have sex with him and that is fine. But you need to see it for what it is. You know he wanted sex with you on the 1st date. He got what he wanted on the second. This is what it boils down to. Yep If you want a man to see you as something more than a sex object, having sex all night on the second date with a man you know clearly wants to bang you is not sending him a different message. It might not be the end but if I was you I’d be seeing it for what it is, and I certainly wouldn’t be counting my chickens.
Alpacalia Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 There is no doubt that you are over-investing. The only thing I can say is that you are currently running on the after-sex fumes and not thinking clearly. How much do you know about this man, really? 2
basil67 Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 I agree that you're over investing. You say that he's 99% what you want.....but after only two dates, the truth is that you barely know him. 4
poppyfields Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: The thing is I dont understand the need of being so affectionate. Was it only to get me to sleep with him In a word, YES. Before sex, his hormones were in high gear, all he was thinking about was getting you into bed ASAP. After sex, that goal has been accomplished, now he's left wondering what to do with you. Or rather, what he wants with you. If you start 'hassling' him about getting together again, or asking questions, you can kiss that baby goodbye. 1 hour ago, Amanda141 said: In fact, when tonight I asked him if he wanted to meet me again some time this week his answer was: "Yeah can do that. Let me sleep through this night. I need to get quite some stuff sorted, starting with my head. This isn't looking good, sorry. My advice is leave him be. Let him wonder about you a little bit. It's just like with every other guy you date Amanda, you push too hard. Stop pushing, relax, let things unfold naturally. If he's interested, you'll know. Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields 2
Ami1uwant Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 54 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: Thanks for your insight. we didn’t talk at all about exes. Honestly, I have a feeling he didn’t have long relationships as he was a student athlete in his bachelor, training 6x a week and traveling USA a lot, then he moved back to Germany (where we both live now) when the pandemic hit 2 years ago. It’s just a gut feeling I have but I may be wrong. Unfortunately he doesn’t use social media that much the thing is I dont understand the need of being so affectionate. Was it only to get me to sleep with him? also, even if I found him extremely attractive (he’s tall, amazing body, dark hair…), some of my friends say he’s good looking but nothing special. I also think he’s a bit shy as sometimes, especially at the beginning of the date, he doesn’t look to me in the eyes when we speak and when we arrived to my place to have sex, he wanted to make sure I closed my room door with the key so that nobody could enter (my flatmates never do so as we are adults and respect each other’s privacy anyway) You say he’s hot. He knows it…ether many like him or a certain subset will. Being an teletext thing he’s probably have had many girls chase him. With this he has developed ways to talk. a good friend I’ve known for most of my life has been one who could if he wanted to, sleep with any woman that night if he tried. So I am familiar with such “ skill” likei said…your a conquest…he knows what he needs to do to unlock the prize. 3
stillafool Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 3 hours ago, Amanda141 said: Do you think it would have been better if I waited a bit before sleeping with him? Why are you asking this now when you know the answer. You knew it was too soon the night you had sex with him but like you said you wanted it so at this point it doesn't matter if it was too soon or not. Truth be told the "do you wanna show me your apartment?" comment was him trying to get sex the first night and all he had to do was wait until the next day. Don't get hung up on this stuff below because it's just an indication that he knows how to date and is experienced, nothing more. 3 hours ago, Amanda141 said: and after 3 hours went for a walk alongside the river, sat on a bench and kissed. After some time he asks me "do you wanna show me your apartment" since I lived nearby but I said "Not tonight" as I didn't feel it, I was tired and I had to work the following day. He kept being affectionate, holding my hands and kissing me again. 4
introverted1 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 3 hours ago, Amanda141 said: @Ami1uwant Why o you think so? how can I make him know I want more and how can I change his mind? See below. He already knows you want more. 4 hours ago, Amanda141 said: In fact, when tonight I asked him if he wanted to meet me again some time this week his answer was: "Yeah can do that. Let me sleep through this night. I need to get quite some stuff sorted, starting with my head " Whatever he means by getting "some stuff sorted," all you can do is give him the space to do that. Perhaps it is just a way to blowing you off or perhaps he'll be back. Time will tell. In the meantime, you've already made your interest clear, so there is nothing more you need to (or should) do. 3
basil67 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 I wonder if "getting stuff sorted" refers to a girlfriend.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 6 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I dont understand the need of being so affectionate. Was it only to get me to sleep with him? Essentially, yes. He didn't "need" to be affectionate. He was in the mood for sex and was hoping you were too. So, he was touchy and hoping you would follow his lead. You're attaching emotional meaning to physical affection, while for him it was likely purely physical as he doesn't know you. 6 hours ago, Amanda141 said: I also think he’s a bit shy No, he is not shy. He tried to get sex on the first date, Amanda. That is not what a shy man does. Him wanting you to lock the door, well, most people would. I can't imagine anyone would risk having a roommate barge in and interrupt. 7 hours ago, Amanda141 said: how can I make him know I want more and how can I change his mind? He already knows you want more. You asked to see him again, so he's understoood now. And you can't make him change his mind, nor should you try. Let him show you what he wants, and no, it might not be what you want. But you can't make him do anything. Let the cards fall where they may. 7 hours ago, Amanda141 said: What makes a guy switch his mindset to only having fun to going after something more concrete? I don't think he changed his mindset. I think he was only having fun from the beginning. 7 hours ago, Amanda141 said: "Yeah can do that. Let me sleep through this night. I need to get quite some stuff sorted, starting with my head This isn't great. He didn't suggest another time, and "sorting his head" sounds like he's warning you he might not come around. All you can do is wait a bit and see if he reaches out. There is nothing wrong with having sex early on. It doesn't necessarily mean the guy won't take you seriously. But, if you know you're the type to get attached after sex, then I would hold off longer in the future. 1 1
Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) This casual concept of just meeting up and having some fun, casual sex, and so on is what attracts a lot of women: nothing complicated, nothing serious, everything will just work out. You now have a casual hook up with him after feeling right at that moment, because in that moment everything felt familiar and it just felt right. Don't just look for someone to get into a relationship with because they look good on paper or because the feelings afterwards make you feel tingly. Choosing men that you can share a sense of purpose and meaning with is important, otherwise you won't be able to establish a deep emotional connection with him. Do not confuse a great orgasm for men which can bring meaning and purpose into your life with a mere sexual activity. If you are looking for a man with whom you share a deep understanding of and that you can support in life's most significant areas, then take the time to date him. However, can you really tell after only two dates? The chances are, you cannot. In other words, you don't try to get into a relationship with someone just because they seem appealing in theory. Edited April 27, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Author Amanda141 Posted April 27, 2022 Author Posted April 27, 2022 Thank you all I know I am definitely idealising him, getting carried away as he looks very good on paper, but actually I don’t know him. my question is when is the right time to sleep with someone then? I guess an answer would be “when you feel like it” but it happened to me in the past to deny sex even if I liked the guy a lot, and then he disappeared. Now that I had it on the second date, because I really was in the mood, seems like I did the wrong thing again or maybe there’s no right or wrong and it only depends on the other person? Like if they want to know us they’ll stick around anyway?
basil67 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 Yeah, there is no right or wrong. If a guy is really into you, sleeping with him on the first date won't scare him off. But holding out isn't going to guarantee that he'll stay. I had sex with my husband on the night of the day we met, so it absolutely can come out OK. I think the secret is that if you're going to have sex with a guy, you need to be prepared that it there are no guarantees and be confident in your own ability to move past it. 1
Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) Therein lies the million-dollar question. For a lot of people (sometimes), getting sexually involved fast is like getting drunk very quickly, but then finding that things aren't working out-which is completely fine if you are just having a good time. If you like someone, try not to be "thirsty." Give it a minute. A moment of reflection before you dash home with this person costs you nothing. Rushing back to his house might reduce your meaning of this "thing" you want it to mean. Physically, we can connect with them. Even develop chemistry with them in minutes. Its even better when you have good sex because then you feel bonded. There is a physical connection, but that does not mean there is an intellectual, emotional, or values-based connection - it just means you have a physical connection. You haven't ruined it by having sex with him. This just means that you're still standing at the same point you started from. I guess in a nutshell - try not to assume that just because you have sex with someone - it means you have something else. Things are not always as straightforward as that. Edited April 27, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 46 minutes ago, Amanda141 said: or maybe there’s no right or wrong and it only depends on the other person? Like if they want to know us they’ll stick around anyway? Exactly, to both questions. If someone wants to see you again, they will. And if a man walks away because you had sex "too soon", you're dodging a bullet because he had sex "too soon" as well. 5
Will am I Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 The response could mean that he has romantic feelings for another girl and is conflicted. (“sort things out”, … “my head”). It could also mean that he has fallen in love and has been unable to concentrate on his studies because you’re on his mind all the time. That he’s conflicted about not making any progress. You and the guy like each other. You enjoyed your dates. Hook up again on the weekend. Maybe start the date on day time, take a little bit more time to get to know one another before inevitably you end up in bed again. I don’t see a reason to get all pessimistic just yet.
salparadise Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: And if a man walks away because you had sex "too soon", you're dodging a bullet I think that sex too soon is a misnomer. Women seem to think that holding out has some kind of mystical powers. Buzzt. Not. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 18 minutes ago, salparadise said: I think that sex too soon is a misnomer. Women seem to think that holding out has some kind of mystical powers. Buzzt. Not. Exactly. That’s why I surrounded “too soon” in quotation marks. 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 12 hours ago, Amanda141 said: @Ami1uwant Why o you think so? how can I make him know I want more and how can I change his mind? You can't do that, but you can stop chasing this hard and let him miss you a bit. 1
Author Amanda141 Posted April 27, 2022 Author Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) I did what I felt like doing, probably he was all so sweet and affectionate because he was in the mood for sex, I dont know. anyway, to avoid any temptation, I deleted his number. Hence, if he wants to see me again, he has to text me. I made my interest clear last night, so the ball is in his court now, and in the meantime I’ll keep my options open… I really hope to see him again but I def want something more than just casual sex. Edited April 27, 2022 by Amanda141 typo 5
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