CK1dad Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 Hello Everyone, I recently posted a topic about I a woman I was dating and we subsequently ended up breaking up. When do you just give up? ... was the tittle of the original thread. Not sure how to link that here but, I am going to start a new thread. I was working on letting go, recovering from my surgery, and by the time summer hit was going to post up on some OLD sites. So after unblocking her, not expecting to hear from her again, she called me after about 2.5 weeks. She told me she missed me and had been doing some journaling and work related to what was going on and wanted to get together and talk. She was Covid + at the time so we couldn't meet for about another 8 days. We met, she told me she had come to realize that she was looking for "problems" and that she basically came up / made up a bunch and that is what it had come down to. During the break she said she had done some work to make sure she wasn't just hanging out with me for the sake of "not being lonely". Also during the week or so leading up to the break up her divorce had been finalized, that lot of things just came up all at once at it was all too much. Hmmm. She seemed sincere and honest. I did take her to task on some things she said to me that where pretty crappy, to which she was remorseful for. I told her that I am interested in trying again. We hung out on the weekend to reconnect and had a nice evening chatting. Yesterday we had a nice hiking date, and ended up in bed, and had a nice dinner together. She is quite busy for the next 2 or so months with out of town work, a Europe trip, and I am pretty happy about that so I can just take a little step back and see where this goes, if anywhere. I feel like I need to set some markers for myself to be sure I am not jumping back on some merry-go-round of disfunction. I am not sure exactly what those markers are and what kind of timelines I should put around those. Any suggestions or am I just being foolish? Thanks for reading and any responses!
Mrin Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 My take: Ya. You're being foolish But we all do that sort of thing People don't change in two weeks. They just don't You are right to be wary 2 months of her being busy will be challenging You are absolutely right to put down some boundaries I would suggest not being exclusive with her for a while Just date and see how things progress Consider dating other women too. They will give you perspective Limit the dates with her to 1-2 a week If you go full monty with her right now expect to be back here in a couple of months when she breaks it off again. Sorry to say it but I'd bet real money on that outcome. Best of luck! Mrin 4
Wiseman2 Posted April 26, 2022 Posted April 26, 2022 47 minutes ago, CK1dad said: We hung out on the weekend to reconnect and had a nice evening chatting. Yesterday we had a nice hiking date, and ended up in bed, and had a nice dinner together. She is quite busy for the next 2 or so months with out of town work, a Europe tri This part sounds good, but if she's away 2 mos.... Decide if you want to reflect on going further with her or freeing yourself to date others. All depends on what you want at this point.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 I agree with @Mrin. I don't believe people just turn everything around in 14 days, so I would not hedge any bets on this. If you decide to continue seeing her, I would follow @Mrin's suggestions and not offer exclusivity. It's too risky when she's already proven herself to be an unwise investment. Tread very cautiously here.
Author CK1dad Posted April 27, 2022 Author Posted April 27, 2022 Hello Everyone, Thank you so much for all of your responses. I 100% agree that no one changes in 2 weeks, for sure! I definitely felt that what she said to me when we met again was honest and genuine. At this point her actions have met her words, but obviously we are only a few days into be back on. That is one thing about this person is that she does not mince words, but at the same time that doesn't mean a lot really at this point. Is it possible that simply enough that the space we had really did allow her to reflect and at the very least change her mind and be honestly compelled to try? Typing this out I see that one of my markers is simply needs to make sure words and actions meet. 8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: What compelled you to unblock her? Well since there is no point trying to throw down an B.S. here, I honestly hoped she might change her mind and get in touch! Foolish, well yes, but for this first time in quite a while, I am very engaged by this lady. Thanks again! 1 1
glows Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, CK1dad said: Is it possible that simply enough that the space we had really did allow her to reflect and at the very least change her mind and be honestly compelled to try? Hard to say. It's less about her and more about you or what you'll put up with. In the time that you're spending time/investing or thinking about a woman who once let you down, there are others who haven't let you down or disappointed you or flaked on you whom you haven't met yet. It doesn't sound like anything anyone says will matter as you continue to see one another. I think seeing other women while hanging onto your ex wouldn't be a viable option. It's one foot in one foot out, neither here nor there, a heart of confusion and ongoing as well. If you can't be certain about her close the chapter and move forwards with your whole self. Edited April 27, 2022 by glows
Mrin Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 3 hours ago, CK1dad said: Is it possible that simply enough that the space we had really did allow her to reflect and at the very least change her mind and be honestly compelled to try? Well let's examine the options or possible explanations and see if they're are good/bad for you: She was going to date another guy but that fell through - bad for you She is feeling really lonely now - bad for you She had a big emotional swing - plausible but I would say bad for you because what swings one way can swing back just as easily She went nuts two weeks ago - this is probably the most likely situation. Bad day, hormones, whatever. She made an instinctive rash decision and regrets it. Heck, I've done that. It is actually not all that bad for you but be cautious. Hence the don't get into an exclusive relationship with her right away. She had a serious change of heart - this is what she's saying. And - I would argue, good for you. But - and this is what we are getting at - these sorts of changes don't just happen in two weeks. They're sort of dark night of the soul type things. Things where she is dating others and can only think of you. Let's be honest this is the fairy tale. And if it really does happen then it's not a bad outcome for you. I'm just highly dubious that this occurred in such a short amount of time. Hope this helps!
Author CK1dad Posted April 28, 2022 Author Posted April 28, 2022 23 hours ago, glows said: Hard to say. It's less about her and more about you or what you'll put up with. In the time that you're spending time/investing or thinking about a woman who once let you down, there are others who haven't let you down or disappointed you or flaked on you whom you haven't met yet. It doesn't sound like anything anyone says will matter as you continue to see one another. I think seeing other women while hanging onto your ex wouldn't be a viable option. It's one foot in one foot out, neither here nor there, a heart of confusion and ongoing as well. If you can't be certain about her close the chapter and move forwards with your whole self. Oh yeah for sure Glows. We have been dating for 9 ish months! Push / pull has been a pretty common flavor here. We have never had any type of exclusivity conversation ... ever! I am honestly need to do some work / therapy here about why this one person has me so wrapped up. My past dating rule had been "no projects" and I have been pretty adamant on that but I am having issues letting this one go! I am growing annoyed and bored of this whole deal but at the same time, I am emotionally invested where as the other person is not or says they might be now or something .... Kinda messed up on my end for sure. I have nothing to offer any new person at the moment for dating because I am twisted up around all of this. 22 hours ago, Mrin said: Well let's examine the options or possible explanations and see if they're are good/bad for you: She had a big emotional swing - plausible but I would say bad for you because what swings one way can swing back just as easily Hope this helps! This is what I feel is mostly likely going to be the case but as you say it can easily swing back around to the later and here is CK back a square 1 wasting time and energy. So torn! Thank you to everyone who offered advice. Now it's up to me to make an actual decision! 1
chillii Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 Why would you need therapy you found somebody you liked more than others so you gave it a go, that's what you do. And just bc all the rage round here seems to be fling around with other people, how could you and why would that'd only mess you up more atm and you'd only mess them up to bc your in the middle of trying to work this out. With her, it's hard to say, yeah it was a pretty quick turn around, but she was going through huge stuff divorcing is a huge thing and all her other stuff on top of it but it's possible. A few wks away from somebody we love or are really really into, is more than enough time to miss the hell out of them and realize we messed up. Whether that's legit or not though, we can't say, shame she's off again now for a few wks but maybe it's a blessing gives you time to think about things. Does she seem legit to you ? Does she show all the right and good signs to you ? How do you feel about her deep down ? Don't have to tell us but just ask yourself. lf so give it a go and just see how things do.
glows Posted April 29, 2022 Posted April 29, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, CK1dad said: Oh yeah for sure Glows. We have been dating for 9 ish months! Push / pull has been a pretty common flavor here. We have never had any type of exclusivity conversation ... ever! I am honestly need to do some work / therapy here about why this one person has me so wrapped up. My past dating rule had been "no projects" and I have been pretty adamant on that but I am having issues letting this one go! It may just be the dynamic you're used to and habits are hard to break. Edited April 29, 2022 by glows
Allupinnit Posted April 29, 2022 Posted April 29, 2022 After 9 months of this drama/anxiety I think you want what you can't have.
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