Author poppyfields Posted April 27, 2022 Author Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Nothing to be sorry about. You posted for advice. Just trying to get the full picture here about what could possibly be going on. The tone of the thread has turned into like he's begging for your attention in one breath and on his terms but in another something completely different. No I don't think I ever suggested or inferred he's begging. He's not the begging sort, lol. In fact he has a dominant personality and I'm discovering, a bit demanding as well. Needing (or wanting) me to be more available to him when he needs/wants me to be. Even when he sends a text. He doesn't want to read "later" so I won't be doing that anymore. He's definitely not "rude selfish arrogant or brusque" as another poster suggested. Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields
Author poppyfields Posted April 27, 2022 Author Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: I'm cooking dinner, translating technical material into French, doing sit-ups, changing the oil in my car, then hopping in the shower and going for a walk, but I'll get back to you when I have time to text. LOL, yeah I think that's precisely how he felt when reading my "later" replies! Slighted. Put off. I'm seeing it now. Even though again, wasn't how I felt or my intention. Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 45 minutes ago, poppyfields said: No I don't think I ever suggested or inferred he's begging. He's not the begging sort, lol. In fact he has a dominant personality and I'm discovering, a bit demanding as well. Needing (or wanting) me to be more available to him when he needs/wants me to be. Even when he sends a text. He doesn't want to read "later" so I won't be doing that anymore. He's definitely not "rude selfish arrogant or brusque" as another poster suggested. Cool. Well, glad to hear you two made up. Now comes the fun part. Making up. Edited April 27, 2022 by Alpacalia
vla1120 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 @poppyfields I think you're both doing just fine. After I thought about it a little, I also realized if I were him, my reaction might have been - If you had time to respond at all, why not take a minute more and respond to my question? He shouldn't have snapped at you, but you had dinner together, talked it out, and it's resolved. It's still early in the relationship and you're still getting to know about one another. I'm glad you sorted this one out.
Johnjohnson2017 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 Eventually I believe his personality needs will end up irritating you to the point of no return. He shouldn't be treating you as one of his employees. I see some of his actions as being controlling. 2
dramafreezone Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: No I don't think I ever suggested or inferred he's begging. He's not the begging sort, lol. In fact he has a dominant personality and I'm discovering, a bit demanding as well. Needing (or wanting) me to be more available to him when he needs/wants me to be. Even when he sends a text. He doesn't want to read "later" so I won't be doing that anymore. He's definitely not "rude selfish arrogant or brusque" as another poster suggested. Another belief that I have is that every positive quality in us can be manifested in a negative way as well. Being a take-charge, assured type of person can be negatively manifested as demanding, pushy or controlling. I think it's extremely challenging to be the type of person he is at work and then completely switch gears in personal relationships, to be softer, readily accomodating to others (and I'm guessing that's not even what you want from him). I think the best can turn the volume down so to speak of how their qualities negatively manifest, but it's going to tend to bubble to the surface at times because that's simply their nature. He's used to being in charge, in control at work and it's probably a bit disorienting to not be in control in other areas in his life, but we all have our issues that we try to balance between work and our personal lives so I'm definitely not throwing him a pity party or anything. He has to learn to do better and hopefully he will. Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone 2
Acacia98 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, many women love check-in texts, and I do too sometimes, but if I recall, I was in the middle of running some errands so replied back that I was busy and suggested we talk "later." Lol, that really does sound like I'm running the show, doesn't it? In any event, it really set him off. It genuinely doesn't sound like you're running the show. It sounds like you're an adult who has a career and responsibilities (just like him) and can't always just drop everything at a moment's notice to accommodate him unless it's an emergency. Most of us are that way. Him too, I'm sure. The reason it hasn't come up in your interactions with him is probably because you don't just randomly call him and expect him to be available immediately (am I right?). And if I'm wrong and you do that, I suspect his saying he'd call you back in an hour would be perfectly acceptable to you. I say this because you generally sound like an accommodative person. If I were the one dating someone like your boyfriend, he'd probably be angry with me because during certain times, I have a very tight schedule. I wish I could be available at a moment's notice. But I can't. I have work deadlines, for instance. When one is hanging over my head, I simply can't afford to talk. I would miss the deadline if I did. I also have a relative who has a disability. When I'm assisting my relative, I can't afford to multitask and talk to my boyfriend at the same time. He has to wait until I'm done. Truthfully, I wouldn't make the greatest conversation partner if I was preoccupied with thoughts of whatever I'd had to toss aside to be available to my boyfriend on demand. It's better to talk when I'm free and can focus 100% on him. One way to avoid this feeling of being neglected (if he's a reasonable person) is to agree to talk at a specific time everyday. So, for example, you could agree to talk daily between 9 pm and 10 pm if that worked for you both. But he has to be reasonable for this to work. And I do wonder if he is. He sounds like he may be entitled and like power play could be his thing. Edited April 27, 2022 by Acacia98 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) "Hurry up and wait" is a frequent power struggle. Which is part of the newness wearing off and either settling into a relationship or unless addressed in more positive ways (rather than this passive-aggressive stuff) will eventually become irritating to both of you and you'll part ways. Edited April 27, 2022 by Wiseman2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 (edited) Congrats on talking this out with bf. Doesn't matter what happens (we aren't in total control) but it sounds like you came away from the conversation with some clarity. Question: The only times I've reacted like your bf was when I sensed (didn't articulate it but I sensed) that I liked my partner more than my partner liked me. Or when I thought my partner was keeping me at a distance. Any chance you are keeping him at a distance? It's no crime if you are. There's usually reason for that. There is something good it seems to me about your partner's desire to quickly connect with you. And yet ... there is something that seems controlling. So I have no wisdom to impart to you. But I wonder if you sense he likes you more than you like him. BTW: I really appreciate your descriptions of the conversations and the dynamics. The precision and fairness that you bring to describing what's going on is so great. I read you and I feel I'm with someone who is being quite open to the other person's (bf's) perspective on things. Edited April 27, 2022 by Lotsgoingon 1
chillii Posted April 27, 2022 Posted April 27, 2022 As is so often it's a time thing. Things begin showing sometimes beautiful surprises sometimes not so. Atm to me he looks a bit silly expecting you on hand as your pretty busy but we can't always get what we want when we want it. That's life and it's knowing in a good will relationship. It might be nothing, he might adapt, or he might start showing more of it. l think you've been more than fair and accommodating though and as for any over explaining or whatever, you find your ways usually, takes time but as long as your both fair and there's no bs it all works out. l'll know when she's in the middle of stuff know all the signs and she will me, even what we're doing even when we had no clue bc all the signs start forming different patterns. Could be hrs or back that night, we'll always answer otherwise. lf she needs me urgent or me her though she'll call and l'll answer odd time calls bc she'll need me for something or vise verse so we'll grab those even if we are busy but otherwise it's just whenever. 1
basil67 Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 I sure got my guess wrong. Good on you for addressing the issue...and the insight in both yourself and into him. 1
NuevoYorko Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 13 hours ago, poppyfields said: He's needs me available when HE'S available, he doesn't want or like to be kept waiting. That's the bottom line. Maybe it's more like he doesn't appreciate that you always have time to let him know that you don't have time, and to explain why. Maybe best to just call him when you do have time to talk. If he actually expects you or anyone to drop everything to talk to him exactly when he "needs" it ... then he needs to grow up quite a bit before trying to have an adult relationship. 4
Author poppyfields Posted April 28, 2022 Author Posted April 28, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Maybe it's more like he doesn't appreciate that you always have time to let him know that you don't have time, and to explain why There's no "maybe" it's true, I already discussed that earlier. And I understand it. But that's only part of it. A "symptom" of the larger issue. What this comes down to is, he'd like (OK needs) me to be more available for "us" so I'm going to try and do that. It wasn't a demand but rather a gentle nudge. And I'm happy he had the confidence to discuss with me versus bottling it up like so many do (including myself when things bother me). You guys have been great, and I thank you but I've requested the thread be closed. I will create a new thread or ask that this one be re-opened if anything new develops. Edited April 28, 2022 by poppyfields 3
Author poppyfields Posted April 28, 2022 Author Posted April 28, 2022 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: What zodiac sign is he Poppy? He's a Taurus, I'm a Cancer. He is the very first Taurus man I've ever dated! Any significance to that? 1
Author poppyfields Posted April 28, 2022 Author Posted April 28, 2022 @stillafoolyou've got me curious now! My ascendant (rising) is in Taurus for whatever that's worth. I don't know where his rising is, we haven't compared charts yet.
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: but I've requested the thread be closed. Take your time. You're at a crossroads/traffic circle and either one of you will exit or you'll decide to go down the road together. Remember, the "even her farts smell amazing!" stage is not sustainable long term. 1
stillafool Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: @stillafoolyou've got me curious now! My ascendant (rising) is in Taurus for whatever that's worth. I don't know where his rising is, we haven't compared charts yet. Your Ascendant conjuncts his Sun which is epic. 1
Alpacalia Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: He's a Taurus, I'm a Cancer. He is the very first Taurus man I've ever dated! Any significance to that? My ex fiance' is a taurus. I'm cancer too... Edited April 28, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Trail Blazer Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 I'm very late to the party, poppy. I'm glad to hear you've resolved the matter. I don't have anything of value to add other than to wish you all the best and hope that this relationship continues to grow and thrive whilst dealing with run-of-the-mill issues in a healthy and productive manner. Take care and all the best! 1
chillii Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 On 4/29/2022 at 6:20 AM, Alpacalia said: My ex fiance' is a taurus. I'm cancer too... Ummm, ex , well that's not exactly encouraging. l will say at the risk of giving you two a big head though haha, my daughter is cancer to and such a very very special person. lf l'm ever single again and l meet a cancer, l'll be all over it haha. 2
Alpacalia Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, chillii said: Ummm, ex , well that's not exactly encouraging. l will say at the risk of giving you two a big head though haha, my daughter is cancer to and such a very very special person. lf l'm ever single again and l meet a cancer, l'll be all over it haha. Oh. I didn't mean it that way. I just thought it was a neat coincidence when I read it. I'm sure OP and him will fare much better. Thanks! Yes Cancer ladies are cool beans. : - ) Sounds like you've got yourself one lovely daughter and a great Dad! Edited May 2, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
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