Beginning of the End?

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You and bf can develop a shorthand for when he really wants to talk to you now, as in get off the other line now unless you are in an emergency. And of course on the other side, you can do the same when you really want to talk to him NOW. 

Appreciate the suggestion Lots, but nothing is an emergency; the sense I got from our talk is he'd like me to be available on his schedule.

He's a busy entrepreneur and doesn't have a lot of time himself, so when he does, he'd prefer that I be available at that moment. 

He said if I'm so busy and can't talk, to not respond with "later," but simply respond when I can, but knowing him as I do, I have a sneaking suspicion that wouldn't work well either. 

He's needs me available when HE'S available, he doesn't want or like to be kept waiting. 

That's the bottom line. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Venus080411]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Appreciate the suggestion Lots, but nothing is an emergency; the sense I got from our talk is he'd like me to available on his schedule.

He's a busy entrepreneur and doesn't have a lot of time himself, so when he does, he'd prefer that I be available at that moment. 

He said if I'm so busy and can't talk, to not respond with "later," but simply respond when I can, but knowing him as I do, I have a sneaking suspicion that wouldn't work well either. 

He's needs me available when HE'S available.

This would be a problem for me.  You need to respect each others time, it shouldn't matter who is more busy.  If you drop everything to take his calls around HIS schedule all the time, you will eventually break.  I know I would.

[poppyfields]

I'm sorry for the confusion guys, clearly I'm not articulating myself well.

Want or need - again the sense I got from our talk and knowing him as I do, nothing is an emergency or an immediate "need," he simply prefers (wants) me to be available, to talk or see him, whatever it is, when HE wants me, on his schedule.

Now that I'm thinking this through more, I'm not sure it's going to work after all. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

the sense I got from our talk is he'd like me to be available on his schedule.

he doesn't want or like to be kept waiting.

This sounds like the rantings of an immature "man-child"... I want what I want and I want it NOW!!

This is definitely a problem for HIM to work on.

 

[dramafreezone]

There's a difference in personalities I think as well.

@poppyfields sounds like she's more introverted, as am I.  We introverted types tend to be attracted to extroverted types.  But I think often times we don't understand how the other processes energy, social interactions.  For myself, alone time is essential, and not just once in a while, on a regular basis.  With extroverted people, time with others is the same thing, essential.  They tend to draw energy from being in contact with others.    I think moreso extroverted people tend to think that everyone is like them and they don't understand why someone needs time by themselves, when they are energized by others.

OP I could be wrong about the personality types but it may be worthwhile for him to understand why you need alone time, if I have you properly pegged.

Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Want or need - again the sense I got from our talk and knowing him as I do, nothing is an emergency or an immediate "need," he simply prefers,(wants) me to be available, to talk or see him, whatever it is, when HE wants me, on his schedule.

Thank you for the clarification...

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Now that I'm thinking this through more, I'm not sure it's going to work after all. 

I don't like his attitude about this whole matter and if that is truly how he is, I would tend to agree that this may not work out -- long term.

Do you think he would be willing to make some adjustments to his behavior regarding this development??

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

This sounds like the rantings of an immature "man-child"... I want what I want and I want it NOW!!

This is definitely a problem for HIM to work on.

Lol, yeah pretty much. Not sure it's immaturity so much as a sense of entitlement.

He wants what (and who) he wants when HE wants it, he feels he deserves it, he's entitled to it.

I read somewhere that very driven, successful, entrepreneurial types tend to be this way, I dated an attorney (sole practitioner) years back and he was the same. 

That relationship lasted just under two months, it became too demanding and overwhelming for me.

@dramafreezoneyes I'm very much an introvert in many ways and I do tend to attract and get involved with extroverted men.

Opposites attract but can also repel, I think the latter may be what's happening now.

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I read somewhere that very driven, successful, entrepreneurial types tend to be this way...

I was very driven and somewhat successful in the fixing up and flipping of houses/real estate and I never acted this way.

If I called (or texted) a woman I considered a return phone call or text a timely response if it was within 24 hours.

Can you share what the original text was about (that started his malfunction)??

 

 

[dramafreezone]

On the other hand, I believe in communicating effectively and giving the other person a chance to modify their behavior at least a bit.   It can be difficult to self police behavior because we are all different, and different things can urk different people.

Also, as a default we're all self-interested, but being in a relationship requires us to have an interest in that other person as well.  That's not an interest regarding how they can satisfy or make you happy, but a genuine interest in their well being.  But you have to give that interest to that other person to receive it.  I'm a big believer in counter-balancing feelings.  Counter-balance his frustration with understanding, empathy and a solution. 

I don't believe the saying that you shouldn't have to change for anyone.  On a grand scale yes, but in a relationship some minor compromise should be expected from both sides and we should be ok with that if we think this person is important enough to keep in our lives.  If he doesn't return it, then I think you have a problem.

Everyone has a core need to be heard and understood.

Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you share what the original text was about (that started his malfunction)??

It wasn't anything significant, just your basic check-in how's your day going type text. 

Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, many women love check-in texts, and I do too sometimes, but if I recall, I was in the middle of running some errands so replied back that I was busy and suggested we talk "later."

Lol, that really does sound like I'm running the show, doesn't it?   In any event, it really set him off. 

I don't know anymore, but again appreciate all your responses.

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, many women love check-in texts, and I do too sometimes, but if I recall, I was in the middle of running some errands so replied back that I was busy and suggested we talk "later."

Lol, that really does sound like I'm running the show, doesn't it?   In any event, it really set him off. 

In that context, I actually understand his position more.  I don't think you have to answer a check-in text at all until you are free.

If I were to get that after a "how are you" I would feel like you're seeing me as a nuisance.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I find it fascinating how people interpret various posts and threads. 

Anyway, long story short, he needs a bit more from me. 

When he texts, it's because he needs me at that moment (he didn't use those words), either to firm up plans or for whatever reason, even just to talk.

And when I'm not available, even though I respond telling him I'm busy and I'll get back to him later, he feels put off and slighted. 

He feels since I have time to text saying let's talk later, why can't I just take a minute and talk to him then?

Why is it always "later"?

When I thought about it, he has a point! I was taking him for granted assuming he would be cool with MY agenda. 

There was more, personal things that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but the talk was good, we ironed some out kinks re our expectations and other things. 

We're not breaking up!  In fact, this brought us closer. 

We made dinner together and the night turned out to be really lovely. 

Thanks again guys.

 

Wow Poppy, this guy sounds like one of the girls who come here complaining how they aren't getting enough communication from the guy they like and he isn't texting enough.  So glad to finally see the shoe on the other foot for a change and it's the guy who's doing the begging.  Good work.  LOL

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If I were to get that after a "how are you" I would feel like you're seeing me as a nuisance.

Thanks DFZ, I'm trying hard to see his side of things, so appreciate you saying this.

You used the word "nuisance," he used the words "not a priority," same thing? 

In truth, I thought my reply was attentive and polite.  That was my intention for sending it. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

You used the word "nuisance," he used the words "not a priority," same thing? 

 

Yeah I think similar enough.

Like I said I don't think either of you are "wrong."  It's just a miscommunication, he's not receiving the communication in the manner that you intended.

I do see how the act of responding is polite, but it could be interpreted in this context as "don't text me anymore until I'm ready to talk."

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

 the sense I got from our talk is he'd like me to be available on his schedule.

Is this new, that he's busy a lot? Or are you both beginning the faultfinding phase now that the infatuation is wearing off?

He went from "oooh making me dinner tonight!" to a rude selfish arrogant brusque mean guy in 24 hours? What's really going on here?

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It wasn't anything significant, just your basic check-in how's your day going type text.

 

So he got his "panties in a wad" over this...  Now I really don't like his attitude or response to you.

I was thinking it was something like "Do you want broccoli tonight, as I'm in the store picking up items for dinner"

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this new, that he's busy a lot? 

He went from "oooh making me dinner tonight!" to a rude selfish arrogant brusque mean guy in 24 hours...

Lol, as I said in previous, I find it utterly fascinating how people interpret things. 

Anyway, yes Wiseman he's always been busy from day 1, as have I.

I believe I created a thread about it. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

I think he might have misread the tone of your text. He read it like "Don't call me I'll call you, you are bothering me" whereas you meant it as "I'm sorry I'm really busy right now honey I'll get back to you as soon as I can"

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this new, that he's busy a lot? Or are you both beginning the faultfinding phase now that the infatuation is wearing off?

He went from "oooh making me dinner tonight!" to a rude selfish arrogant brusque mean guy in 24 hours? What's really going on here?

@poppyfields I believe this has more to do with the ending of the infatuation phase as well. I’m another thread you were recently talking about how he was the perfect balance of stable and passionate talking to a woman who didn’t find stable men attractive. 
 

There’s a term called “splitting” which refers to the tendency for some people to see things in black and white. One minute this man is your perfect match and the next the relationship is on the brink of ending. Too much work etc. I will say nobody exists that is perfect for you. Everybody is the star of their own movie; nobody was put on earth to be a supporting character in your movie. That’s why communication and compromise is so important. 
 

Finally, his super busy life might in the long run make him a great partner for you. He will naturally give you the space you need. But you’ll also have to set an appropriate boundary and let him know you’re not at his beckon call. He doesn’t own you. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

So he got his "panties in a wad" over this...  Now I really don't like his attitude or response to you.

I was thinking it was something like "Do you want broccoli tonight, as I'm in the store picking up items for dinner"

Honestly, if he texted that, my reply would have been "Sure, sounds great!  See ya later!" 

[dramafreezone]

29 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

I think he might have misread the tone of your text. He read it like "Don't call me I'll call you, you are bothering me" whereas you meant it as "I'm sorry I'm really busy right now honey I'll get back to you as soon as I can"

This.

In full disclosure I work in telemedicine, so my entire job every day is interpreting "tone" from patients' text.  Even in my industry I'm more sensitive to tone in written messages than most. 

It's not a surprise to me that there's a wide range of responses to this situation because I see it every day.  It's not just about what you write but how you write it.  I just think others are just more sensitive to how text comes across, both in sending and receiving it.  The good news is most people are going to give you clues as to how they would like to be communicated, and in most cases its easy enough to make those minor changes rather than to just say that's how I am, deal with it.

Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

I'm confused too.

Your initial post you seemed worried that it was the beginning of the end and that your gut was telling you he was on his "way out."

Now you're saying he wants too much of your time.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm confused too.

Your initial post you seemed worried that it was the beginning of the end and that your gut was telling you he was on his "way out."

you're saying he wants too much of your time

At first I thought his irritation meant he was on his way out BUT we talked last night, we had dinner and spent the night together, did you miss that post, my update?

That's when he told me he felt slighted and not a priority. 

It's all in the thread @Alpacalia,  sorry if you're still confused. 

 

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

At first I thought his irritation meant he was on his way out BUT we talked last night, we had dinner and spent the night together, did you miss that post, my update?

That's when he told me he felt slighted and not a priority. 

It's all in the thread @Alpacalia,  sorry if you're still confused. 

 

 

Nothing to be sorry about.

You posted for advice.

Just trying to get the full picture here about what could possibly be going on.

The tone of the thread has turned into like he's begging for your attention in one breath and on his terms but in another something completely different.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I believe I created a thread about it. 

I'm cooking dinner, translating technical material into French, doing sit-ups, changing the oil in my car, then hopping in the shower and going for a walk, but I'll get back to you when I have time to text.