Beginning of the End?

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

which he always seemed to appreciate so he's not left hanging.

 

Did he expressly communicate that he appreciates it? Or was it more he texted back “thanks for letting me know” or something like that? “Seems to appreciate” is different than him telling you he appreciated it. “Seems” suggests it’s your own interpretation.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

he said (in an irritated, angry tone) that I don't need to do that, just get back to him when I can, he doesn't need a play by play about what I'm doing.

It seems the tone was the issue, no? Because the statement about play-by-play in itself is not that bad.

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Well in my defense, I have had boyfriends tell me they appreciated the heads up so they're not left waiting and wondering where I am or why I haven't gotten back to them.

In fact my current boyfriend, the subject of this thread, said the same thing to me!   So did a previous ex.

If you read these threads, it's a fairly common issue with people, wondering why someone hasn't responded to a text.

Is it needy?  Probably but it is what it is, people can get anxious especially in very early stages. 

So I thought letting him know I was busy at that moment but would get back to him later was kind and courteous, certainly nothing for him to get angry at me about. 

And again, he always appreciated it before. 

So what changed?  Why does it suddenly bother him now three months in?  

Thats my question.

I dunno, yeah I'm exhausted myself right now, so sick of all the BS.

I just posted this in another thread, but damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

 

These folks have a different communication style from you, @poppyfields. 

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. I do the same. I do it because it's who I am and it works for me. I've found that being communicative about stuff and being considerate minimize confusion, uncertainty, mix-ups. Makes my life easier. So I do it.

If someone doesn't like that aspect of who I am. That's fine. But I'm not changing.

---

Edited to add: sorry, but I'm finding this topic and, by extension, your boyfriend, tremendously irritating. Look, if he doesn't need the info regarding what you're doing, he can simply disregard it. It's that simple. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Acacia98

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Did you read my entire last post?  HE told me he appreciated the heads up.  So have other boyfriends.

Now it bothers him?

Why do people get anxious in early stages? 

Come on Lemming, really?  

Quick answer:  Because we're human. 

 

it depends on what the topic was he needed to talk about

 

if he said I neeed to talk to you tonight about X and you said sure and never brought up you had to do Y thrn i coukd see him being pissed.

 

if it always happens I’d prob get frustrated too.

[basil67]

I'm largely in the camp who believes that people have bad moments and if we are to be able to sustain a relationship, we need to be able to cope when a partner uses a wrong tone or gets unexpectedly picky about something.   We're all human and we all stuff up sometimes. 

 

 

[basil67]

About his change in appreciating the messages, I'm guessing it's related to knowing you're reliable and will return the message when you can.    Making sure that others aren't anxious about delayed texts is nice, but after 3 months together, a person should be able to trust that they are not being ghosted.   So now, you've shown that you're reliable and knows you'll reply when you can and doesn't need the text.   

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

I didn't read every post, but bf's reaction is passive-aggressive and worthy of your concern.

Ask me, his reaction has nothing to do with the way you updated him while on another call. I find what you did to be extremely considerate. Several of my closest friends do that, and I feel like a million dollars because the person is acknowledging me even as they're otherwise engaged. 

I'm thinking something is bothering bf that he's not talking about. That snark didn't come from nowhere. Sounds like bf felt rejected that he couldn't immediately talk to you. Any hints of that feeling before?

You did absolutely wrong--indeed I think you did all right! You are right to get a little worried. Not saying this marks the end of things, but SOMETHING is bugging him. There's some anger or unhappiness that he hasn't been sharing with you perhaps that he let slip with his snark. 

[poppyfields]

Thanks again guys, I'm seeing him in a couple of hours, I'll update tomorrow when I can. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

I didn't read every post, but bf's reaction is passive-aggressive and worthy of your concern.

Ask me, his reaction has nothing to do with the way you updated him while on another call. I find what you did to be extremely considerate. Several of my closest friends do that, and I feel like a million dollars because the person is acknowledging me even as they're otherwise engaged. 

I'm thinking something is bothering bf that he's not talking about. That snark didn't come from nowhere. Sounds like bf felt rejected that he couldn't immediately talk to you. Any hints of that feeling before?

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong--indeed I think you did all right! You are right to get a little worried. Not saying this marks the end of things, but SOMETHING is bugging him. There's some anger or unhappiness that he hasn't been sharing with you perhaps that he let slip with his snark. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Lotsgoingon
Inserted "nothing" which was left out of a sentence.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I didn't read every post, but bf's reaction is passive-aggressive and worthy of your concern.

Ask me, his reaction has nothing to do with the way you updated him while on another call. I find what you did to be extremely considerate. Several of my closest friends do that, and I feel like a million dollars because the person is acknowledging me even as they're otherwise engaged. 

I'm thinking something is bothering bf that he's not talking about. That snark didn't come from nowhere. Sounds like bf felt rejected that he couldn't immediately talk to you. Any hints of that feeling before?

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong--indeed I think you did all right! You are right to get a little worried. Not saying this marks the end of things, but SOMETHING is bugging him. There's some anger or unhappiness that he hasn't been sharing with you perhaps that he let slip with his snark. 

Thanks Lots, I figured that's what you meant.

I appreciate your and everyone's take but honestly I don't want to speculate too much, I'm going to talk to him tonight. 

I feel better though for talking about it, I was pretty unnerved tbh.  It's not like him to lash out like that, but then again it's only been three months, we're still getting to know each other.  

Venting and reading everyone's posts helped me calm down, I am definitely too sensitive sometimes, I own that.  I'm not good with conflict. 

Anyway, hopefully this was just a kink that needs (needed) to be ironed out.  Growing pains like I said. 

I'll update once I know more. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, Alvi said:

 

Well, perhaps. But there is a difference between him calmly telling her to stop with overexplaining and him snapping at her.

You know how it is.  We handle things gracefully mostly, until we have a bad day or we have just about had enough of something that has been getting on our nerves for a while.  Snap.   It happens to the best of us.  

OP - I submit that if he's expected to handle gracefully  your explaining over text the details of why you are not unable to text until later - you might be able to handle gracefully his expressions of annoyance through unseemly snapping from time to time.  Or, go ahead and break up.

[Alpacalia]

People can be a bit snappy at times. That's not uncommon.

Digging deeper.

There is a decent chance he is frustrated with something he can't express (for whatever reason), so he is acting passive-aggressively.

That's a difficult situation. His comment was snappy and inconsiderate. Clearly. What's not obvious is why he feels the need to act in this way.

If these types of interactions are becoming a character of your entire relationship, then you will need to part ways.

Inevitably, sometimes boyfriends will get annoyed with us. Some people can deal with that situation, letting you know how they feel and listening to what you have to say. Some may not have learned this skill and will be defensive whenever you express your feelings.

The reason your boyfriend got mad at you was that he thought you assumed that his whole life revolves around you. Why does he feel the way he does? Obviously you were aware that he gave that remark and gesture, but have you asked him what's going on? In his opinion, does he feel that he ought to always be a priority in your life at his expense? Are there any activities he has been wanting to do for a while but does not have the time to do? Can you think of anything about your general conduct that is controlling, perhaps something that you haven't even considered?

If this does not work, then, well, relationships are hard, so it's possible one or both of you combined are simply not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship, given the skills you both possess together and the degree of compatibility you have. That is what I would focus on. If you’re not being treated well, then he needs to change his behavior. The two of you will have to break up. But your fights will be much rarer if you can both find ways to communicate better, and I think they'll be a lot more productive.

Good-luck.  

I hope it all works out for you.

Edited April 27, 2022 by Alpacalia

[clia]

I can't speak for him, but if you can type out that you are busy and will get back to him in an hour, why not just cut out this middle text and respond to the text?  Or, if it's an hour, why even feel the need to update him?  I don't understand why anyone feels they have to be immediately available to respond to a text.  (I would get it if you were tied up for the entire day or evening and couldn't get back to him within a day or so, but an hour?)  I'm sure he realizes you are busy.  At any rate, I would be kind of annoyed by the excess texts in this particular scenario, but that's just me.  I think, as others have said, you are just at the point in your relationship where things are starting to get more real and you are learning about your communication differences.  When my husband and I first started dating he texted me "Good morning" every day and I absolutely hated it, but I gritted my teeth and smiled for a few months until I finally confessed that I found it super irritating.  So, he stopped doing it.  Now we laugh about it.      

[poppyfields]

I find it fascinating how people interpret various posts and threads. 

Anyway, long story short, he needs a bit more from me. 

When he texts, it's because he needs me at that moment (he didn't use those words), either to firm up plans or for whatever reason, even just to talk.

And when I'm not available, even though I respond telling him I'm busy and I'll get back to him later, he feels put off and slighted. 

He feels since I have time to text saying let's talk later, why can't I just take a minute and talk to him then?

Why is it always "later"?

When I thought about it, he has a point! I was taking him for granted assuming he would be cool with MY agenda. 

There was more, personal things that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but the talk was good, we ironed some out kinks re our expectations and other things. 

We're not breaking up!  In fact, this brought us closer. 

We made dinner together and the night turned out to be really lovely. 

Thanks again guys.

 

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, clia said:

I can't speak for him, but if you can type out that you are busy and will get back to him in an hour, why not just cut out this middle text and respond to the text?

@clia did you read my update, this^ was his feeling exactly! 

Just stop what I'm doing, take a freakin minute and talk to him, why is it always "later"?

He was really frustrated by it and after thinking about and imagining being the recipient of that often enough, I can understand why. 

I suppose the short of it is, he doesn't feel like a priority. 

I know women complain a lot about this but men need to feel prioritized too.

I'm actually kind of glad this happened and that he didn't keep his frustration bottled up.

So I'm gonna try to be better in that area, and we shall see how it goes!  

Edited April 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

I don't get it... if he wanted to talk to you that moment, he should have called you instead of texting you.

If I really need to talk to someone urgently, I dial their number, I don't send out a text. 

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 

Why is it always "later"?

Is it always later? Or is this just an occasional thing? And if you can change to responding right away as he’s asked why weren’t you before? Have you suddenly become less busy? Or were you playing a game trying to seem less available?

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is it always later? Or is this just an occasional thing? And if you can change to responding right away as he’s asked why weren’t you before? Have you suddenly become less busy? Or were you playing a game trying to seem less available?

No I'm not less busy but again since I have time to read his message and type a response "I'm busy right now doing xyz" if I'm honest, I could stop what I'm doing for a minute and talk to him. 

He said if I'm that busy, then no need to respond at all, just respond when I can.  That would be better. 

He doesn't appreciate seeing a text that reads "later" and it does happen quite a lot.  

No not playing a game but again being honest, I am not always in the mood to talk. I'm in my own world doing my own thing.

I'm realizing if I want to have a successful long term relationship, I need to give a bit more of myself.

Step out of my comfort zone, even when it's not comfortable.

@Johnjohnson2017calling wouldn't have been better, I'd either say the same thing or let it go to voice mail.

Guys, I AM really attracted and into him, but I dunno, I've asked myself  this question before but I'm wondering if I'm not cut out for LTRs, cause men often seem to take issue with my not being available enough for them (i.e. when they need me to be), even when it's something as simple as properly responding to a text message in a timely manner (i.e immediately if not sooner, lol).

 

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I've asked myself  this question before but I'm wondering if I'm not cut out for LTRs,

 

Yes, and you do seem to go back and forth on this one. If I recall correctly it’s the same for your career aspirations too right? Changing paths midstream etc. 

 

My take is you like things when they’re easy (like during the infatuation stage) but when they become work, and all relationships take some work, you want to bail. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Poppy, thanks for the update.

I have a suggestion for your bf and maybe you can suggest this to him.  Here's what I do when I REALLY want to talk to someone/need to talk to someone NOW!

I simply tell the person that it's urgent, and I need to talk now. 

One of my best friends is an incredibly successful guy, who has an amazingly busy life full of great activities and travel and civic commitments. He usually has to schedule with me several weeks out, sometimes a month or more out. 

So when I really want to talk to him, I'll call or text and say something like, "Urgent. My sister's sick, I need to talk." Or "Urgent, I got a big job decision to make. Need to hear your perspective." He calls me back within minutes. It's easy to do this when you have a death in the family, but truth is I do this anytime I feel overwhelmed and really want this person's perspective. I do this with all my close friends. 

It takes some confidence to tell someone we need to talk NOW, because when we feel like dirt or overwhelmed (which is the reason we're calling) our esteem is 6 feet under. So to call on a friend with entitlement--insisting on talking quickly--is hard when we're feeling vulnerable. But I stumbled into doing this, and people always respond well--quickly, immediately. I can do this now with ease.

You and bf can develop a shorthand for when he really wants to talk to you now, as in get off the other line now unless you are in an emergency. And of course on the other side, you can do the same when you really want to talk to him NOW. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, and you do seem to go back and forth on this one. If I recall correctly it’s the same for your career aspirations too right? Changing paths midstream etc. 

 

My take is you like things when they’re easy (like during the infatuation stage) but when they become work, and all relationships take some work, you want to bail. 

There IS some truth to this.  The notion that relationships take "work," I talk a good game when advising others, but when it comes to myself and my relationships, I often feel if it takes "work" to sustain it, its not the right relationship.

The one relationship that did work, for six years and I would have married him (we were planning it), was with a man who accepted me for me, my need for independence and space and HE needed the same. 

We got on really well, the sex was off the charts awesome the entire time we were together but if truth be told, we rarely spent time together. 

We even lived together!  But we each had our own separate space, we did our own thing, no hassles, we 100% accepted each other and what we each brought to the table and had to offer. 

I ended it because he became heavily addicted to alcohol, coke and meth and began getting abusive.  He went into rehab after we broke up and is clean now. 

I often wonder how things would be now if I had not walked out but I needed to at that time because I had reached such a low point. 

I don't know maybe I just wasn't strong enough to weather it through. 

[Venus080411]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No not playing a game but again being honest, I am not always in the mood to talk. I'm in my own world doing my own thing.

Poppyfields, I have this same issue.  It is refreshing to see I am not the only one.  I have dated many guys (including the guy afraid of commitment from my last post), who would call me daily and it was SO hard for me because although I liked him a lot, I didn't want to speak ALL the time.  I enjoy my alone time, and like you said, I am not always in the mood to talk and I am not always in the mood for a video call, which the last guy always did, he never did phone calls!  He would even call me on his way to see me!  It was sweet but also drove me crazy sometimes.  The guy that we both just ended it (from my last post), if I didn't get back to him right away, or said I was busy and that I will call him later, he always thought I was on a date with someone else.  This drove me crazy.  Amazingly, we broke up because HE was afraid to commit... 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I find it fascinating how people interpret various posts and threads. 

Anyway, long story short, he needs a bit more from me. 

When he texts, it's because he needs me at that moment (he didn't use those words), either to firm up plans or for whatever reason, even just to talk.

And when I'm not available, even though I respond telling him I'm busy and I'll get back to him later, he feels put off and slighted. 

He feels since I have time to text saying let's talk later, why can't I just take a minute and talk to him then?

Why is it always "later"?

When I thought about it, he has a point! I was taking him for granted assuming he would be cool with MY agenda. 

There was more, personal things that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but the talk was good, we ironed some out kinks re our expectations and other things. 

We're not breaking up!  In fact, this brought us closer. 

We made dinner together and the night turned out to be really lovely. 

Thanks again guys.

 

Eh, I guess I understand that.  There's one train of thought that if you're too busy, just don't answer it until you aren't busy.

The other train of thought is that the more polite thing to do is to actually tell them that you can't talk and that you'll talk later.  I understand both sides and it comes down to the fact that we all have different communication styles and preferences, they don't always align perfectly.  I don't think there's a right or a wrong here.

How often do you give him the "I'm busy" texts?  Does he have an urgent issue that comes up every other day?  Every few days?

Edited April 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Happy Lemming]

55 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

I don't get it...

 

I am also confused... @poppyfieldsI did read all of your posts (carefully) and completely comprehend what you are saying.

I do think there is a difference between a "need" and a "want"...  Perhaps he "wants" a more immediate response, but does he really "need" it. "I'm busy right now and will get back to you later" should suffice for 99.99% of everything that goes on in a dating relationship.

Again, if your car broke down and you needed assistance, that is an immediate "need"... I would think everything else that one would text about would be more of a "want".

 

[BrinnM]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

"I'm busy right now and will get back to you later"

Right, but I would consider this unnecessary also. This type of text message – especially if it is sent out a lot – is something I, as the recipient, would consider "needy", or attention-seeking even. And maybe that's what OP's partner was really criticizing, and maybe that's why he got annoyed with her. The update says they talked, but I am not so sure he "needs" more immediate attention. Or did he literally say that? To me it sounds like he doesn't want to waste time with unnecessary, meaningless communication, especially if he's a busy guy.