Beginning of the End?

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, my boyfriend became very irritated with me last night, and I'd like your take on it. 

Out of courtesy, whenever he calls or messages, and I'm busy in the middle of doing something else, I typically message back with a quick "I'm in the middle of doing xyz, I'll get back to you in around an hour or so" which he always seemed to appreciate so he's not left hanging.

But last night this happened and he didn't respond to my message and when I saw him later, he said (in an irritated, angry tone) that I don't need to do that, just get back to him when I can, he doesn't need a play by play about what I'm doing.

Ugh. 

What the heck?   My heart literally dropped, like I said he always appreciated it in the "beginning" so what changed?  

Anyway, I didn't cause drama, I simply left his place quietly cause I wasn't into being there; my gut tells me he's on his way out. 

Getting irritated and angry like that is always the first sign in my experience.  It happened that way with one of my ex's too except I didn't wait around for him to dump me, I dumped him first.  Which turned out to be the best thing for both of us.

I mean to me, his snarky response (although honest) was just "wrong." 

I was simply being courteous so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding back.

What do y'all think?  Am I being too sensitive?  On one hand, I think I am but on the other, I think he was being overly critical. 

I don't know, my head's in a spin right now over this, I can't think straight.

I'm supposed to see him later, I may bring this up, or not.  Not sure what to do.

Thanks guys.

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Sometimes people just have a bad day. If it happens again, then bring it up.

[Weezy1973]

How long have you been in the relationship? 
 

I’d say it’s a very minor incident in general and not really indicative of much. The fact you’re interpreting it as “the beginning of the end” to me is more concerning as those thoughts can really lead to behaviors the end relationships. 

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

How long have you been in the relationship? 
 

I’d say it’s a very minor incident in general and not really indicative of much. The fact you’re interpreting it as “the beginning of the end” to me is more concerning as those thoughts can really lead to behaviors the end relationships. 

We've been dating almost three months.  Very early stages.

You could be right though, I may be projecting too as this happened before with an ex, I created a thread about it back in 2020.

Long story short, he became angry at me for being "too" nice and polite to our neighbors who had been rude to him. 

I now ponder the same question I did in that relationship, different boyfriend, same story. 

I'm too nice!  Too polite, too courteous and it irritates my boyfriends once the newness wears off.

That's the message I'm getting anyway.  It's how I was raised but I don't know anymore.  

I'm hoping it's just growing pains as again it is very early stages. 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But last night this happened and he didn't respond to my message and when I saw him later, he said  that I don't need to do that, just get back to him when I can, he doesn't need a play by play about what I'm doing.

You'll have to be able to ride out some lover's spats if you hope for long term.

Relationships are not in suspended animation like the thrill of the newness, where everything is so perfect and you're best foot is forward..

You're getting more comfortable with each other so the tenuousness starts to wear off and he (and you) can feel more comfortable being yourselves and mentioning minor irritations. It's not a freak-out moment, it's a human moment.

You'll have to be able to tolerate the other not-so-shiny side of the coin if you hope to have a committed  long-term relationship. Maybe he was in a lousy mood, now you know what that looks like.

For example your idea of "courteous" may be his idea of TMI, redundancy and over-texting. Now you both know a little tidbit about each other that isn't tinted in rose-colored glasses.

[Happy Lemming]

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

...he doesn't need a play by play about what I'm doing...

I agree.  I really don't understand the "neediness" of some people. 

If the person's car broke down and they needed a ride or tire changed, yes text/call --  do whatever you have to do to get a hold of me.  (Which did happen to "V" a few months ago, and I went and changed her flat tire)  Otherwise, I'll get back to you within 24 hours.

Nothing in my life is so ultra important that I need an answer within 30 seconds, especially if I'm going to see you later. 

And yes, I'd be a little worried if someone needed constant reassurance and constant attention. 

I can't speak for you, but for me (even when I worked)... my day was pretty mundane and cyclical (Same Stuff -- different day).  I can't imagine you are doing anything "earth shattering" that he needs to know about.  For a Monday, I assume you got up and went to work like the rest of America.

[BrinnM]

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I can't speak for you, but for me (even when I worked)... my day was pretty mundane and cyclical (Same Stuff -- different day).  I can't imagine you are doing anything "earth shattering" that he needs to know about.  For a Monday, I assume you got up and went to work like the rest of America.

Yep, exactly, unless you're married to a famous actor or singer, or an int'l war reporter, or somebody with a high-profile job who needs to frequently travel at short notice.
If I am dating a regular person with a stable job: No updates needed. I don't want them. Thank you very much. I see you later.

 

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I agree.  I really don't understand the "neediness" of some people. 

 

It's exhausting. 

Maybe Poppy's BF wanted to accommodate her initially, like mirroring her behavior or sth., and he eventually outgrew it – or he just had a bad day. No big deal, IMO. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by BrinnM

[poppyfields]

Well in my defense, I have had boyfriends tell me they appreciated the heads up so they're not left waiting and wondering where I am or why I haven't gotten back to them.

In fact my current boyfriend, the subject of this thread, said the same thing to me!   So did a previous ex.

If you read these threads, it's a fairly common issue with people, wondering why someone hasn't responded to a text.

Is it needy?  Probably but it is what it is, people can get anxious especially in very early stages. 

So I thought letting him know I was busy at that moment but would get back to him later was kind and courteous, certainly nothing for him to get angry at me about. 

And again, he always appreciated it before. 

So what changed?  Why does it suddenly bother him now three months in?  

Thats my question.

I dunno, yeah I'm exhausted myself right now, so sick of all the BS.

I just posted this in another thread, but damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

If I am dating a regular person with a stable job: No updates needed. I don't want them. Thank you very much. I see you later.

And if something interesting did happen at work, then it gives you something to talk about at dinner or the next time you see the person.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Happy Lemming

[NuevoYorko]

I would find those types of texts irritating myself.  There is an inherent pressure in them.  A precedent is being established where people are explaining themselves for reasons and things that are truly not important or anybody else's business.

If you are busy, he knows you'll get back to him when you are not busy.   The justifications are just noise.  

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is it needy?  Probably but it is what it is, people can get anxious especially in very early stages.

What is there to get anxious about??  You date, see each other and if both of you want to continue... you do.  If either one of you wants out, then the encounter/relationship is dissolved.

I can't control if/when another person wants to stop seeing me, so there is no reason to worry about it or get anxious.  If the person (I'm dating) wants to leave, there is pretty much nothing I can say or do to stop them. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

What do y'all think?  Am I being too sensitive?  On one hand, I think I am but on the other, I think he was being overly critical. 

 

Nobody's perfect.   Was he having a bad day?  Bad week?  Lack of sleep?  Low blood sugar?  There's any number of factors that could alter the way we respond to others.

I think we need to allow our loved ones a bit of lee-way at times especially if it's not a pattern of behavior.  It doesn't excuse someone being short but it happens to everyone.  We all have an idea of how we want to show up to others but we all fall short of that expectation at times.

Edited April 26, 2022 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What is there to get anxious about??  You date, see each other and if both of you want to continue... you do.  If either one of you wants out, then the encounter/relationship is dissolved.

I can't control if/when another person wants to stop seeing me, so there is no reason to worry about it or get anxious.  If the person (I'm dating) wants to leave, there is pretty much nothing I can say or do to stop them. 

Did you read my entire last post?  HE told me he appreciated the heads up.  So have other boyfriends.

Now it bothers him?

Why do people get anxious in early stages? 

Come on Lemming, really?  

Quick answer:  Because we're human. 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alvi]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is it needy?  Probably but it is what it is, people can get anxious especially in very early stages. 

I don''t see it as being needy at all. In fact, I think you are being too polite and courteous. I would not have any problems with your texts, but hey, we are all different. 

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So what changed?  Why does it suddenly bother him now three months in?  

What happened is that the honeymoon period, where people are on their best behavior, is actually over. Now you are go see the "real" him. You may or may not like what you see. But that's OK. This is why people date - to find out about each other. Is he going through something in his life that you are aware of? A bad day perhaps? Well, let's hope it doesn't happen that often or that he has an anger management problem (this is probably extreme but you never know).

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

his snarky response (although honest) was just "wrong." 

I don't think he needed to be irritated with with you. He could've calmly explained that he doesn't expect an instant answer from you and that you don't have to overexplain yourself. You should not have to put up him snapping up at you for no reason or for a littlest of reason. A couple should be able to discuss things without snapping at each other. 

Maybe talk to him about how him snapping at you made you feel. He may not be aware that he hurt you or that you are upset. See how it does. 

10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I would find those types of texts irritating myself.  There is an inherent pressure in them.  A precedent is being established where people are explaining themselves for reasons and things that are truly not important or anybody else's business.

Well, perhaps. But there is a difference between him calmly telling her to stop with overexplaining and him snapping at her.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Alvi

[BrinnM]

12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

There is an inherent pressure in them.

This. You said what I wasn't able to express. This would put me personally under immense pressure, for sure.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Well, perhaps. But there is a difference between him calmly telling her to stop with overexplaining and him snapping at her.

Thank you Alvi but again to clarify, I wasn't "over-explaining," just a quick "I'm busy right now doing xyz, will talk to you later."

And like I said, he always appreciated it before, but now it irritates him. 

Anyway, thanks guys, it's good to talk about it, I'll let you know what happens. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: 

Why do people get anxious in early stages? 

 

I think what you’re experiencing is the beginning of the end of the infatuation phase. And if you have a more insecure attachment style, this could indeed cause a lot of anxiety. But the behaviours that could result from your anxiety are much more likely to end the relationship than anything else. What’s needed is open communication and compromise. He expressed a preference in communication which isn’t super unreasonable. And you can tell him you’re naturally inclined to keep someone updated but can easily adjust. It’s actually a good opportunity to strengthen the bond here. After minor conflicts with my wife I always feel closer after we’ve discussed things openly and come to a solution together.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

'm too nice!  Too polite, too courteous and it irritates my boyfriends once the newness wears off.

If a guy is irritated by this he is the wrong man for you anyway.  The right man will cherish those qualities in you so don't go changin for anyone.  I agree with Smackie that he could have had a bad day but still no reason to take it out on you.  Keep check on this and if he does it again speak up and let him know you are not tooooooo nice.

[vla1120]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I just posted this in another thread, but damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

This^^^  

Try not to let it bother you. Now that you know he doesn't expect an immediate response, you can respond when you have time. I don't blame you for not wanting to be on the receiving end of his bad mood. Hopefully this was a one off. If he snaps at you again for whatever reason, then I would mention something.

[mark clemson]

I think the tendency some folks have to "let the other person know what's going on" is a technique to moderate/reduce any anxiety on their partner's part. While not everyone needs this and indeed some may see it as a waste of time and energy, text communication can be tricky and there seem to ALSO be plenty of people who may feel anxious or sometimes slighted if they don't get a response in what they feel (at the time) is a reasonable amount of time. So I can see why folks do this and/or feel they are just being courteous and kind by doing so.

I'm in the camp that you shouldn't make a big deal out of this ONE incident. However, IF it starts to become a pattern of rudeness/disrespect/unreasonableness, that would indeed be a signal it's time to end things and that this person wouldn't be a good partner long term, unless it's something you could communicate with him effectively about and that he could consistently and genuinely control and re-direct.

Edited April 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Now it bothers him?

 

OK... so stop doing it. 

How about this, just send one text per day -- unless something "earth shattering" happens.

If he asks you a question, respond -- otherwise just read the text message and do nothing.  Not every text needs a response.

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why do people get anxious in early stages? 

Come on Lemming, really?  

Quick answer:  Because we're human.

Some humans are secure with themselves and don't get anxious nor need constant reassurance from the individual they are dating.

At the beginning of a dating relationship (if I liked the woman) I would continue to "date plan" and ask her out.  I never got worried or got anxious that she would say "no" to a planned date.  If she responded "no" and stated she no longer wished to see me, I'd just move on to the next woman. 

I try to live by the rule of "Control the controllables" - author unknown... If I can't control it, I am NOT going to worry about it nor get anxious.

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Alvi said:

He could've calmly explained that he doesn't expect an instant answer from you and that you don't have to overexplain yourself.

I agree, he could have said something like "I appreciate you wanting to give me an update as to where you are; but I think it would be easier for us both if we wait and respond back when we have more time." and then say, "but again, I like the communication".  Something like that to let her know he's not blaming her but trying to make it easier on them both.

[Johnjohnson2017]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Hey guys, my boyfriend became very irritated with me last night, and I'd like your take on it. 

Out of courtesy, whenever he calls or messages, and I'm busy in the middle of doing something else, I typically message back with a quick "I'm in the middle of doing xyz, I'll get back to you in around an hour or so" which he always seemed to appreciate so he's not left hanging.

But last night this happened and he didn't respond to my message and when I saw him later, he said (in an irritated, angry tone) that I don't need to do that, just get back to him when I can, he doesn't need a play by play about what I'm doing.

Ugh. 

What the heck?   My heart literally dropped, like I said he always appreciated it in the "beginning" so what changed?  

Anyway, I didn't cause drama, I simply left his place quietly cause I wasn't into being there; my gut tells me he's on his way out. 

Getting irritated and angry like that is always the first sign in my experience.  It happened that way with one of my ex's too except I didn't wait around for him to dump me, I dumped him first.  Which turned out to be the best thing for both of us.

I mean to me, his snarky response (although honest) was just "wrong." 

I was simply being courteous so he wouldn't wonder why I wasn't responding back.

What do y'all think?  Am I being too sensitive?  On one hand, I think I am but on the other, I think he was being overly critical. 

I don't know, my head's in a spin right now over this, I can't think straight.

I'm supposed to see him later, I may bring this up, or not.  Not sure what to do.

Thanks guys.

 

 There is something about you that is bothering him and he hasn't brought it up yet. He's keeping it bottled up. IMO. He just exploded at you which he shouldn't have done. You were just being thoughtful when you texted him back telling him you were busy. Him not only getting angry at you for being courteous AND snapping at you is a bad sign. Maybe you are starting to see his real him? It's ok to get irritated, it's not ok to snap back.

Something else is going on in your relationship that's causing him to become irritated with you... maybe he might think you are controlling? maybe he feels like you whine? Maybe you have too much male attention and are flirty with guys? I don't know what it is. You two are getting to know each other and are finding out more about each others, some good, some not as appealing. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, mark clemson said:

I think the tendency some folks have to "let the other person know what's going on" is a technique to moderate/reduce any anxiety on their partner's part. While not everyone needs this and indeed some may see it as a waste of time and energy, text communication can be tricky and there seem to ALSO be plenty of people who may feel anxious or sometimes slighted if they don't get a response in what they feel (at the time) is a reasonable amount of time. So I can see why folks do this and/or feel they are just being courteous and kind by doing so.

Thank you, this exactly.

And again, which people responding may have missed, he's told me previously he appreciated the heads up, for exactly this reason, so he's not anxiously wondering. 

But now it irritates him, so now I'm left wondering what he actually wants and needs. 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

There is something about you that is bothering him and he hasn't brought it up yet. He's keeping it bottled up. IMO. He just exploded at you which he shouldn't have done. You were just being thoughtful when you texted him back telling him you were busy. Him not only getting angry at you for being courteous AND snapping at you is a bad sign. Maybe you are starting to see his real him? It's ok to get irritated, it's not ok to snap back.

I think so too, it's the only thing that makes sense, considering he always appreciated the heads up before. 

I've also learned when partners get angry, it's often not about what they're complaining about, but about something much deeper.

Thank you.