ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 45 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: You are wasting a lot of time on a man who has told you very clearly that he can't commit right now and needs time. The truth is, the actual reason a man gives when he says he does not want to commit is irrelevant. I agree. There is no sense over-complicating it and trying to figure out what exactly is going on with him. Listen to what he's telling you, and understand that for multiple reasons, he cannot give you a stable and long-term relationship. Full-stop. Time to move on. 1 1
chillii Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 (edited) Yeah, about the long and short of it as l was saying a few pages back it'll be yrs before he sorts himself out and is ready for more,,, if ever.! Edited April 25, 2022 by chillii 1
Wiseman2 Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 6 hours ago, Venus080411 said: he is the one who brought it up because he may need to move soon, he was in a work transition, and given all the uncertainty in his life right now, Sorry this happened. At 6 mos. Of course talking marriage is a bit too soon. Sadly he seems to have been buttering you up for a place to live and sort of an ersatz mom or big sister figure to help him continue to make his life easier. You dodged a bullet.
Author Venus080411 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Posted April 25, 2022 8 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: im assuming he graduated from college and has an idea of what he wants to do but since his job area is broad across multiple industries he doesn't know yet what he wants to do. He has not even gotten that far... he has not graduated college or figured out what he wants to do yet. Honestly, that is one of the biggest issues here. He has a problem committing to even school, jobs, friends, or anything for that matter. It is not only romantic relationships, his fear of commitment seems to be affecting every area of his life. He talks a lot about courses he is considering taking, and jobs he may want to do one day, but in the 6 months we have been together, I have seen him take no action to make these things happen, which is concerning to me. He is not that young...
Weezy1973 Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 29 minutes ago, Venus080411 said: He has a problem committing to even school, jobs, friends, or anything for that matter. It is not only romantic relationships, his fear of commitment seems to be affecting every area of his life. So as a 33 year old woman that wants a family, what exactly did you see in him? Does anything here give you a sense he would be a good father?
Author Venus080411 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Posted April 25, 2022 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: So as a 33 year old woman that wants a family, what exactly did you see in him? Does anything here give you a sense he would be a good father? I agree, and you are very right. I saw potential in the beginning but he wasn't putting the work in to better himself in the 6 months I knew him. All talk, no action. I think I enjoyed the fun side of him since I have so much responsibility in my life (demanding job, own my own house, dog). In the end though, he would have been only another thing for me to care for and I do realize this now. I need to find a partner with more balance. 2
glows Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 Sorry you're going through a rough time. You can change the way you view individuals like this and appreciate them as people but not as people to date. Flirt, enjoy your banter but steer clear and if choosing someone for a closer relationship, focus more on character traits and abilities that you admire.
Author Venus080411 Posted April 25, 2022 Author Posted April 25, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: Sorry you're going through a rough time. You can change the way you view individuals like this and appreciate them as people but not as people to date. Flirt, enjoy your banter but steer clear and if choosing someone for a closer relationship, focus more on character traits and abilities that you admire. Thank you, and I agree, I need better self control with these types of people. I find that good chemistry and even a strong physical attraction to someone is rare for me. So when I meet someone, even if I know they are wrong for me in the end, I continue to see them. I think of my short term happiness rather than long term. It is something I clearly need to work on. 2
poppyfields Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Venus080411 said: I think of my short term happiness rather than long term. It is something I clearly need to work on. That, and you're allowing your emotions to override logic. I get it though, attraction, infatuation, limerence, they can touch our emotions on a very deep level sometimes wherein we are unable to see or process any logic. I've learned to balance both. Emotions and logic. It wasn't easy and I made many poor choices. But since learning to balance emotions AND logic, my choices have been much better, more in line with what I actually want and need. Edited April 25, 2022 by poppyfields
glows Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 27 minutes ago, Venus080411 said: Thank you, and I agree, I need better self control with these types of people. I find that good chemistry and even a strong physical attraction to someone is rare for me. So when I meet someone, even if I know they are wrong for me in the end, I continue to see them. I think of my short term happiness rather than long term. It is something I clearly need to work on. Maybe self-control is needed at first and then with time, it becomes less and less attractive. These people won't appeal to you as much as you have already conditioned yourself into knowing they bear traits and characteristics you dislike or will not be compatible with you over time. It won't always be this hard.
Allupinnit Posted April 25, 2022 Posted April 25, 2022 (edited) Oh man been there done that, got the T-shirt with Mr. Unavailable. You need to trust what he's telling you, regardless of what his sad story is, because he means it - he doesn't want the responsibility of a girlfriend who lives a couple hours away (that may be why he was attracted to the situation, the distance). I'm always dubious now when I hear a man say he's too hurt to be a good boyfriend to anyone - had it happen a couple of times to me only to have him commit to the next girl a month later, after I felt so sorry for him that even though we had great sex for a few months, his divorce just left him wrecked, blah blah *eye roll* He's only 26, no career, no thoughts to the future and family yet you are 33 and I assume want those things. You need a man who can give you these things. Edited April 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility
Lauriebell82 Posted April 28, 2022 Posted April 28, 2022 (edited) On 4/23/2022 at 8:57 AM, Venus080411 said: I have been dating a guy for a little over 6 months now. Things have been going great between us. We have a lot of fun together and he has been the most consistent guy I have ever been with. Since the day we met, he texts, calls, video calls me daily. We video call all the time for hours at a time. He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. Any free time he has, he calls me or visits me. He generally wants to know how my day is and is always checking in with me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with and he always makes me feel special. A little background on us, he is 7 years younger than me (he is 26, I am 33) and he is not very stable in his life right now. Essentially, he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life as everything seems to be up in the air. He doesn’t have stable work and is trying to figure out his next steps. I on the other hand am very stable. I own my own home, I have a dog, and I have a stable career. I know what I want and he is unsure about everything in his life. I guess this should have been my first red flag... The last few months he has really started to open up to me and I have opened up to him. He told me he was sexually abused growing up by multiple people (men and women; one even being a sibling). He had a lot of trauma growing up and he does go to therapy but not consistently as of late from what I understand. I try not to ask too many questions and if he feels like opening up, I am always there to listen. He has recently told me he has commitment issues and is scared to commit and be in a relationship. I didn't push him to commit but this came out as we were getting closer to each other. We have never defined the relationship but we agreed to be exclusive from the start so to me that was all that I needed. Out of nowhere he will bring up how he is bad for me and I shouldn't be with him and I should find someone else that can give me what I want since he doesn't know how to commit or be someone's "boyfriend.” He has never been in a real relationship. Only friends with benefit type arrangements. Looking back, that was a red flag... Anyway, our communication is great so I always felt we could make it through anything as long as we talked about it. We never would fight or anything. This week he told me he feels we are getting really close the last few weeks and it scares him. He said he is afraid to commit to relationships with both men and woman and needs to work on it. He said he thinks he needs to be alone to fix it. I said OK... A few days later we had a phone discussion about it and he said he wants to commit to me but something is stopping him and he feels insane about it. He wanted to know what my thoughts were on our current situation. I told him exactly how I felt, and he listened, I told him I liked him a lot and wanted to keep seeing him, I understood his fear of commitment and wouldn't push him to do anything we weren't already doing. I said we can continue moving the relationship along slow, at our speed, and keep communicating about it. He understood what I was saying and said that totally made sense. He said his biggest fear is falling for someone and losing his freedom. He said he is also afraid we will try and it won't work and we will break up. He wants to be 100% certain that we won't break up before committing to me, which I told him is impossible until we at least try being together for real first. He said he needed to sleep on it... the next day, he said he is scared to try and feels he will never be in a relationship. I can see how much he is struggling with this and he says I am the perfect most ideal partner he could ever ask for but he is struggling with thought of commitment. He said he it is not every day he meets someone like me but he just can't bring himself to commit right now and needs time. Is he really afraid to commit or is this his way of breaking up with me? Lots of issues here. First...his abuse history is very sad. He needs lots of healing. I am glad to hear he is therapy. Likely this has affected his self image and he sounds both insecure and inexperienced. A committment issue? Eh, maybe. But if you were the "ideal woman" I don't think he'd let you go or risk losing you to someone else. I think all his OTHER issues at play here overpower his obviously very REAL feelings for you...and because he is young and has no real relationship experience he just can't give you a full on "no" or a full on "yes" either way. We call this in the helping professions an "ambivalent man." He's saying he needs time. Personally if I were you I would move on if a real relationship is what you are after. This man has some serious work ahead of him in order to achieve this. You aren't his therapist and could likely be waiting around years for him to come around..if he ever does! I'm sorry, I know you are wishing to hear some better news, but the work he has to do is on his own at this point. Edited April 28, 2022 by Lauriebell82 1
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