Afraid of Commitment - is it real?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating 6 months is giving it a shot.

I agree.  6 months is the perfect amount of time to decide if you're right for each other or not.

[poppyfields]

I don't mean to be harsh, but literally all your posts are about HIM, his anxiety, his fear, his psyche, his religion, him, him, him....

Again I ask, what about YOU? 

You sound very close to developing a very unhealthy obsession for this man. 

Focus on you.  Ask yourself why you allowed yourself to get pulled into such toxicity and why you are unable to extricate yourself. 

Like attracts like. 

Meaning in this case, perhaps you also have commitments fears, silently, passively, which is why you choose commitment phobic men or why you chose THIS man.

And you did choose him by remaining with him after he told you of his commitment fears. 

Two sides of the same coin.

Something to consider anyway. 

Good luck. 

[Venus080411]

6 hours ago, glows said:

When someone doesn't think they have enough to offer another, it's not unusual not to want to be involved in a relationship. It may be a "fear of commitment" in some ways but it seems more like a reluctance to be in a relationship where he may not feel he has much to offer. He may also see the way you live and is wistful or feeling like he doesn't compare or doesn't measure up. 

From what you've written he sounds too young, feeling too poorly and low about himself and possibly even resentful that he doesn't live up to whatever idea he has in his mind of who he should be in that moment in time. That war is in himself and I don't think there's anything you can do about that. What you can do instead is be more careful when dating and instead of running towards individuals who have issues with themselves preventing them from being in relationships, be respectful of their views about themselves and walk away. 

Given how jumbled up he has been and unsure, would you really place any weight on his suggestion of marriage? I'd pay attention to this as it seems to have stuck with you. The idea or concept of marriage appeals to you and it might have kept you hanging on longer than you might have if he never said those words. If you are looking to eventually marry and have children, then go back and review what you need out of a partner who is more present and ready to be a husband and father. 

 

 

 

Thanks for your response glows.  He is not feeling great about himself and has mentioned he feels he has nothing to offer me.  I really don't need anything from him though as I am financially independent on my own.  I don't need his money or for him to take care of me financially.   I just need him to be there for me, which he always has been.

You are right though, I think I need to just move on from him.   I need someone who knows what they want.  I seem to always be attracted to these types and I am not sure why that is.

Edited April 23, 2022 by Venus080411

[Venus080411]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't mean to be harsh, but literally all your posts are about HIM, his anxiety, his fear, his psyche, his religion, him, him, him....

Again I ask, what about YOU? 

You sound very close to developing a very unhealthy obsession for this man. 

Focus on you.  Ask yourself why you allowed yourself to get pulled into such toxicity and why you are unable to extricate yourself. 

Like attracts like. 

Meaning in this case, perhaps you also have commitments fears, silently, passively, which is why you choose commitment phobic men or why you chose THIS man.

And you did choose him by remaining with him after he told you of his commitment fears. 

Two sides of the same coin.

Something to consider anyway. 

Good luck. 

Thanks for your response, and you are right that I do have issues of my own that I am trying to figure out.  I myself have a very unhealthy dating history that I am trying to work on overcoming.  When I met him, I told him I was trying to overcome this toxic dating history of being with unavailable men because I want a family one day soon and he knew this.  At this point, I was not aware that he had issues with commitment.  He actually seemed to be the opposite of other guys I have dated previously, so the thought he also had commitment issues did not cross my mind.  I only found out about his commitment issues in the last few weeks.  This is part of why I am upset, he knew my history, and I feel he wasn't honest with me about his issues because he knew I would have stopped seeing him in the very beginning.  I did mention this to him and he said he thought he was over his commitment issues and was ready to finally try to be in a relationship when he met me but that he realized that he is not there yet and still needs to work on himself.  I just wish I knew this at the start.  I wouldn't have invested over 6 months with him.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

He does continue therapy but feels he needs to get on a more consistent schedule with it.  As of now, he calls when he is struggling, maybe a few times a month.  He feels he would benefit more if he went weekly... he has discussed starting to go weekly again, but I am not sure if that has happened yet.

He isn't in the right headspace.

He is dealing with a past trauma, career pressures, cultural differences, and his age.

While I understand how difficult it is to walk away from someone you care deeply about, I know it all too well (have posted about it here).

Perhaps in an another realm and time, but this isn't your guy.

[Venus080411]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He isn't in the right headspace.

He is dealing with a past trauma, career pressures, cultural differences, and his age.

While I understand how difficult it is to walk away from someone you care deeply about, I know it all too well (have posted about it here).

Perhaps in an another realm and time, but this isn't your guy.

Thank you.  I think deep down I always knew that because we had just too many issues to overcome. However, he was actually the one always pushing our relationship and making sure we kept seeing each other, and called me daily.  If he ever got a sense I was backing off the relationship, he would want to talk about it immediately and try to fix it (not something people with commitment issues usually do?).  

I was very guarded in the beginning because I was actually concerned most about his age and the timing aspect but then we grew really close to each other and once that happened, he let me know about his issues with commitment.  I just wish he let me know about this issue at the start and given my previous history of dating guys like that, I would have ran!  I guess I will just take this as a lesson learned and move on.  I should have taken his lack of dating history as a red flag but due to his age and religious background, I let it go...

 

[Els]

This sounds more to me like anxiety and self esteem issues on his part than actual commitmentphobia. Realistically speaking,  you two are exclusive and he is driving 2 hours to see you multiple times a week. If that's not a commitment, I'm not sure what else would be considered one at 6 months. 

That being said, those self esteem issues of his sound severe and I can definitely understand if you don't feel like you want to deal with them. Also, he's in a very different life stage from you, which could be a problem if you ever wanted to get married etc. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

 I was trying to overcome this toxic dating history of being with unavailable men because I want a family one day soon.

Have you considered that you haven't found someone you want to commit to?

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Especially with a pattern like this.

He as well as a highly unlikely candidate for long term dating, yet you pursued it.

Perhaps reflect on what your red flags and deal breakers are and choose men who you are willing to get to know before jumping to the commitment, family, etc. issue.

[poppyfields]

56 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

I myself have a very unhealthy dating history that I am trying to work on overcoming.  When I met him, I told him I was trying to overcome this toxic dating history of being with unavailable men because I want a family one day soon and he knew this.  At this point, I was not aware that he had issues with commitment. He actually seemed to be the opposite of other guys I have dated previously, so the thought he also had commitment issues did not cross my mind.  I only found out about his commitment issues in the last few weeks.  

Thank you for sharing this^, it's quite interesting. 

Re the men in your past being "unavailable," did you know they were unavailable when you first met and began dating? 

If not, when you did become aware of how unavailable they were, have you asked yourself why you chose to stay and get involved?

You claim you didn't see the signs with this man, but I will challenge you about that and suggest you did, on an unconscious level. 

Commitment fears come in all shapes and sizes, there is no one size fits all. 

With this man, they may have appeared differently from the other men's but when you take the time to think back to your early encounters, I'm sure you will see the signs (warnings) were there. 

How fast and strong a man comes on can be a huge indicator of serious commitment issues. 

In your original post you posted this: 

Since the day we met, he texts, calls, video calls me daily. We video call all the time for hours at a time. He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. Any free time he has, he calls me or visits me. He generally wants to know how my day is and is always checking in with me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with and he always makes me feel special. 

To me, this^ was WAY too much for having just met and started dating.  He was in high gear which suggests he was/is fantasy driven, which commitmentphobes tend to be. 

And now, as you've experienced, once reality hit, he's off and running.  But then takes it back, tells you he wants to marry you, then runs again. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

Such back and forth and unhealthy push/pull is crazy making! 

This is not just because he's young and/or realizes he doesn't have much to offer; he has serious active fears and anxiety surrounding commitment and again when you think back, really think hard, the signs were there. 

They just looked differently from other unavailable guys' issues but they were very much there, you just didn't see them.  You didn't want to see them because of how it all (and him) made you feel -- special. 

Anyway, I posted this, in part, to get your mind away from focusing on HIM and his issues.  He's a grown man, let him figure himself out.

Best to focus on YOU, take some time to introspect to determine why you attract the men you do and why you choose to stay knowing they have issues and not much to give. 

Having that insight about yourself and what motivates you to choose the men you do will serve you well moving forward on your journey. 

All the best. 

 

 

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Venus080411]

59 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thank you for sharing this^, it's quite interesting. 

Re the men in your past being "unavailable," did you know they were unavailable when you first met and began dating? 

If not, when you did become aware of how unavailable they were, have you asked yourself why you chose to stay and get involved?

You claim you didn't see the signs with this man, but I will challenge you about that and suggest you did, on an unconscious level. 

Commitment fears come in all shapes and sizes, there is no one size fits all. 

With this man, they may have appeared differently from the other men's but when you take the time to think back to your early encounters, I'm sure you will see the signs (warnings) were there. 

How fast and strong a man comes on can be a huge indicator of serious commitment issues. 

In your original post you posted this: 

Since the day we met, he texts, calls, video calls me daily. We video call all the time for hours at a time. He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. Any free time he has, he calls me or visits me. He generally wants to know how my day is and is always checking in with me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with and he always makes me feel special. 

To me, this^ was WAY too much for having just met and started dating.  He was in high gear which suggests he was/is fantasy driven, which commitmentphobes tend to be. 

And now, as you've experienced, once reality hit, he's off and running.  But then takes it back, tells you he wants to marry you, then runs again. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

Such back and forth and unhealthy push/pull is crazy making! 

This is not just because he's young and/or realizes he doesn't have much to offer; he has serious active fears and anxiety surrounding commitment and again when you think back, really think hard, the signs were there. 

They just looked differently from other unavailable guys' issues but they were very much there, you just didn't see them.  You didn't want to see them because of how it all (and him) made you feel -- special. 

Anyway, I posted this, in part, to get your mind away from focusing on HIM and his issues.  He's a grown man, let him figure himself out.

Best to focus on YOU, take some time to introspect to determine why you attract the men you do and why you choose to stay knowing they have issues and not much to give. 

Having that insight about yourself and what motivates you to choose the men you do will serve you well moving forward on your journey. 

All the best. 

 

 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response!  I really do appreciate your insight.  Looking back at the last 3 guys I have dated, I didn't know they were afraid of commitment at first but I also wasn't really familiar with what it meant to be afraid to commit.  This is something I feel you kind of learn while dating.  Once I started dating them though, looking back with the knowledge I have now, there were A LOT of red flags.  As you said, they all presented differently though.  Once I really realized these guys had commitment issues, it was already too late because I had feelings at that point, and I always felt our connections were strong enough to overcome any commitment issues they had, which was clearly wrong on my part.  I myself am very guarded when it comes to dating, and it can take me a long time to open up.  I like to move slowly in relationships since I am very independent and enjoy my alone time.  Plus it takes me a long time to trust someone. 

I can't tell you why I am attracted to these types of men but it could be that I look for passion, a strong physical attraction, people who have deep and complex personalities (clearly!), and I never really focus on the long term potential until it is too late.  The guys I go on dates with who look great on paper, and that would make great long term partners, I find them boring and I just don't feel attracted to them.  I don't feel that passion and excitement with them... I am aware I have this issue, but I am also not sure how to fix it.  I really would like to be in a committed relationship with someone.  I can honestly say, I have never had a long term committed relationship and it really frustrates me.  It is not intentional, unless it is subconsciously.. I am really not sure.

Edited April 23, 2022 by Venus080411

[Foxhall]

I know from personal experience it can be frustrating for a guy to have these self esteem issues- in particular to see other people close to them quite sure of themselves while they themselves are not,

your probably expecting a bit too much from him in that sense - I would say its ok he is still finding his way and all that,

if you want to make a go of the relationship you have to decide you are happy to mother him and so on and give him time to grow.

you were happy to start a relationship with a younger guy who needs to find his way,

Id venture to say a little harshly perhaps that you are changing the goalposts now when you see the potential pitfalls,

I dont know give it another few months maybe -perhaps by giving him a chance his confidence will improve.

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

The guys I go on dates with who look great on paper, and that would make great long term partners, I find them boring and I just don't feel attracted to them.  I don't feel that passion and excitement with them... I am aware I have this issue, but I am also not sure how to fix it.  I really would like to be in a committed relationship with someone.  I can honestly say, I have never had a long term committed relationship and it really frustrates me.  It is not intentional, unless it is subconsciously.. I am really not sure.

Again thank you for sharing.   It's the first step in acknowledging that you are as much the problem as the men you choose to date. 

I believe everything we do is intentional whether we are consciously aware of it or not.  The fact you find stable, commitment-oriented men "boring" and seek out highly charged complex, complicated men and relationships is no accident or bad luck. 

Nor is the fact you are 33 and never been in a committed relationship.

It's all related and it's ironic that the title of this thread was at first in reference to your boyfriend but as it turns out also relates to you.

In any event, it's good these issues about yourself are coming to light so they can be addressed and ultimately resolved, within yourself through introspection and also with the help of a good qualified therapist if you're open to that. 

For the record, I have struggled with these same fears and issues, I've chosen men all wrong for me and made tons of mistakes. 

But I've since learned and still learning!  And growing, that never stops. 

Life is a journey and one great big learning experience.

Embrace and enjoy. xo

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

49 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

I can't tell you why I am attracted to these types of men but it could be that I look for passion, a strong physical attraction, people who have deep and complex personalities (clearly!), and I never really focus on the long term potential until it is too late.  The guys I go on dates with who look great on paper, and that would make great long term partners, I find them boring and I just don't feel attracted to them.  I don't feel that passion and excitement with them... I am aware I have this issue, but I am also not sure how to fix it.  I really would like to be in a committed relationship with someone.  I can honestly say, I have never had a long term committed relationship and it really frustrates me.  It is not intentional, unless it is subconsciously.. I am really not sure.

Unfortunately this is just the case for some people, and often it does have to do with a dysfunctional upbringing. For some people there just isn't a perfect fit, and you sadly happen to be one of those people. What I learned from therapy is that feelings don't matter; core values do. So passion (feeling), strong physical attraction (feeling) strong mental attraction (feeling) aren't as important as your core values. So that's what you need to explore. If given the choice of never having a marriage and family, but being able to date men you're strongly attracted to an passionate about, or having a marriage and family with someone you don't feel passionate about, and aren't strongly attracted to, what would you choose?

 

That too however is a bit of a false dichotomy. Attraction isn't really at a "10" or a "0". There is an in between. Perhaps and attraction that isn't quite at the supercharged "10" that you crave, but a more modest "6" where he is also stable and good marriage / father material would do the trick?

[Venus080411]

25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Unfortunately this is just the case for some people, and often it does have to do with a dysfunctional upbringing. For some people there just isn't a perfect fit, and you sadly happen to be one of those people. What I learned from therapy is that feelings don't matter; core values do. So passion (feeling), strong physical attraction (feeling) strong mental attraction (feeling) aren't as important as your core values. So that's what you need to explore. If given the choice of never having a marriage and family, but being able to date men you're strongly attracted to an passionate about, or having a marriage and family with someone you don't feel passionate about, and aren't strongly attracted to, what would you choose?

 

That too however is a bit of a false dichotomy. Attraction isn't really at a "10" or a "0". There is an in between. Perhaps and attraction that isn't quite at the supercharged "10" that you crave, but a more modest "6" where he is also stable and good marriage / father material would do the trick?

Honestly, I am not sure I could be in a relationship with someone I didn't have a strong physcial attraction, feel passionate about, and have a strong mental attraction to - these 3 things are pretty important to me.  I couldn't imagine being in a relationship without them..

[Weezy1973]

27 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Honestly, I am not sure I could be in a relationship with someone I didn't have a strong physcial attraction, feel passionate about, and have a strong mental attraction to - these 3 things are pretty important to me.  I couldn't imagine being in a relationship without them..

That's great. You're exploring your core values and these are some of them. Nothing wrong with prioritizing these things. You'll just have to accept that marriage and family aren't in the cards as the men you feel strong attraction to and passion for are not husband / father material. Having that clear in your mind is important and will allow you to date and have relationships anxiety free. And if this guy has a fear of commitment, you can honestly tell him it's fine because you don't want marriage or kids either! That might alleviate his concerns. And seeing as you are independent, you could tell him you don't even want to move in together as you like your space.

[Venus080411]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

That's great. You're exploring your core values and these are some of them. Nothing wrong with prioritizing these things. You'll just have to accept that marriage and family aren't in the cards as the men you feel strong attraction to and passion for are not husband / father material. Having that clear in your mind is important and will allow you to date and have relationships anxiety free. And if this guy has a fear of commitment, you can honestly tell him it's fine because you don't want marriage or kids either! That might alleviate his concerns. And seeing as you are independent, you could tell him you don't even want to move in together as you like your space.

Are you saying I can't have a relationship and family if I want an emotional and physical attraction with someone?  He also wants to get married one day and he wants kids as well.  We both ultimately want the same thing in the end, it is just a timing thing... 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And if this guy has a fear of commitment, you can honestly tell him it's fine because you don't want marriage or kids either.

It wouldn't matter what you tell him. 

Commitment anxiety and fears aren't about what their partner (in this case you Venus) wants or doesn't want, what they're doing or not doing, it's about what the fearful person is feeling.

You can scream to bloody hell you DON'T want marriage or commitment, once they begin getting close and developing feelings, the fear is triggered. 

And there is nothing you can do or say to prevent it, because it's about them and their fears/anxieties, NOT you.

Seriously Venus, no matter how intriguing and intoxicating the chemistry, the smart thing to do is walk away.

Look for a balance.  A man you find compelling and exciting with whom there is a mutual attraction, who is not afraid of relationships or commitment.

They're out there, I found one. 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Are you saying I can't have a relationship and family if I want an emotional and physical attraction with someone?  

For some people, they have to choose. If you’re not attracted to the types of men that make good husbands and fathers (the ones good on paper), then it is what it is. There is a middle ground as @Poppy fields alluded to, but it generally means giving up a bit of the intense attraction (don’t mistake this with no attraction).

 

Think of someone that wants a healthy, fit body, but hates exercise and healthy food. Well they sort of have to make a choice at some point. What’s the priority? What do you value most?

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

He also wants to get married one day and he wants kids as well.  We both ultimately want the same thing in the end, it is just a timing thing... 

Venus, this is not about timing.  He flat out told you he has commitment issues.  And his conflicting on/off behavior reflects that as well. 

You would be wise to believe him.

Denial is not your friend here. 

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. ~Maya Angelou

.

Edited April 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[Venus080411]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It wouldn't matter what you tell him. 

Commitment anxiety and fears aren't about what their partner (in this case you Venus) wants or doesn't want, what they're doing or not doing, it's about what the fearful person is feeling.

You can scream to bloody hell you DON'T want marriage or commitment, once they begin getting close and developing feelings, the fear is triggered. 

And there is nothing you can do or say to prevent it, because it's about them and their fears/anxieties, NOT you.

Seriously Venus, no matter how intriguing and intoxicating the chemistry, the smart thing to do is walk away.

Look for a balance.  A man you find compelling and exciting with whom there is a mutual attraction, who is not afraid of relationships or commitment.

They're out there, I found one. 

 

It makes me hopeful hearing you found one!  I think I was hopeful with him because he was in therapy, which made me feel like he was dealing with his issues.  He was also huge about communication, which was new to me when it comes to men.  Especially those afraid of commitment!

Your are right though, he has told me it has nothing to do with me and in fact the closer he feels to me the more he wants to run away... I will look for a balance next time.  

[Venus080411]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Venus, this is not about timing.  He flat out told you he has commitment issues.  And his conflicting on/off behavior reflects that as well. 

You would be wise to believe him.

Denial is not your friend here. 

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. ~Maya Angelou

.

Do you think people who are afraid of commitment like this can be helped with therapy?  Or will they always be this way most likely? 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Do you think people who are afraid of commitment like this can be helped with therapy?  Or will they always be this way most likely? 

Therapy can help but they must be open (committed) to doing the work and it can take literally YEARS to resolve these types of fears /anxieties, they're deeply ingrained going back to childhood in many cases. 

I know you're gonna do what you want, but know if you choose to stay and accept the hot/cold push/pull he's offering you, it's going to be a very painful experience for you. 

My advice?  Aim higher, choose wisely, love yourself first. 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

Your are right though, he has told me it has nothing to do with me and in fact the closer he feels to me the more he wants to run away...

There ya go Venus, nuff said. 

This is a next, or should be, I'm sorry. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

Thank you.  I think deep down I always knew that because we had just too many issues to overcome. However, he was actually the one always pushing our relationship and making sure we kept seeing each other, and called me daily.  If he ever got a sense I was backing off the relationship, he would want to talk about it immediately and try to fix it (not something people with commitment issues usually do?).  

I was very guarded in the beginning because I was actually concerned most about his age and the timing aspect but then we grew really close to each other and once that happened, he let me know about his issues with commitment.  I just wish he let me know about this issue at the start and given my previous history of dating guys like that, I would have ran!  I guess I will just take this as a lesson learned and move on.  I should have taken his lack of dating history as a red flag but due to his age and religious background, I let it go...

 

That's okay, we all go through it at one time or another, right?

In fact, mine had just ended a relationship that I had no idea about at the time. 

Otherwise, everything about him was great. 

There are so many reasons people choose unavailable partners - they can be emotionally unavailable by being drug addicts or alcoholics or by being married, for instance.

As well, there are also those who are constantly experimenting with new relationships, chasing after that constant high.

And why “sparks” should perhaps be called “explosives.”

That says a lot more about them than anything else.

When you're rushing into a relationship, say after a few weeks of dating, it's more to quell your own anxieties.  Especially if you're already a highly anxious individual.

We all have different reasons for choosing what we do. When you have the power of choice, you also have the power of making smarter decisions in the future and taking your time before you commit to a relationship - that usually takes months, to determine how well your goals align and whether or not you're compatible.

I don't know what your past relationships are like but if you find yourself in these types of situations often - then you got some work to do girrrl! 

It all goes back to birth and the “love hormone.”

It is important to gain an understanding of how and why we attach, what defines a secure, safe person to date, and how to recognize and honor red flags in YOURSELF and in OTHERS. 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Venus080411]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

There ya go Venus, nuff said. 

This is a next, or should be, I'm sorry. 

I agree.  I don't think I have fear of commitment, because I couldn't imagine feeling the way he describes to me.  It is sad.  I am going to be on high alert in the future for this issue before investing any of my time. Thanks so much for your help on this.  I really appreciate it!