Afraid of Commitment - is it real?

[Venus080411]

I have been dating a guy for a little over 6 months now. Things have been going great between us. We have a lot of fun together and he has been the most consistent guy I have ever been with. Since the day we met, he texts, calls, video calls me daily. We video call all the time for hours at a time. He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. Any free time he has, he calls me or visits me. He generally wants to know how my day is and is always checking in with me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with and he always makes me feel special. 

A little background on us, he is 7 years younger than me  (he is 26, I am 33) and he is not very stable in his life right now. Essentially, he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life as everything seems to be up in the air.  He doesn’t have stable work and is trying to figure out his next steps.  I on the other hand am very stable.  I own my own home, I have a dog, and I have a stable career. I know what I want and he is unsure about everything in his life. I guess this should have been my first red flag...

The last few months he has really started to open up to me and I have opened up to him. He told me he was sexually abused growing up by multiple people (men and women; one even being a sibling). He had a lot of trauma growing up and he does go to therapy but not consistently as of late from what I understand. I try not to ask too many questions and if he feels like opening up, I am always there to listen. He has recently told me he has commitment issues and is scared to commit and be in a relationship.  I didn't push him to commit but this came out as we were getting closer to each other. We have never defined the relationship but we agreed to be exclusive from the start so to me that was all that I needed. Out of nowhere he will bring up how he is bad for me and I shouldn't be with him and I should find someone else that can give me what I want since he doesn't know how to commit or be someone's "boyfriend.”  He has never been in a real relationship. Only friends with benefit type arrangements. Looking back, that was a red flag... 

Anyway, our communication is great so I always felt we could make it through anything as long as we talked about it. We never would fight or anything. This week he told me he feels we are getting really close the last few weeks and it scares him. He said he is afraid to commit to relationships with both men and woman and needs to work on it.  He said he thinks he needs to be alone to fix it. I said OK... A few days later we had a phone discussion about it and he said he wants to commit to me but something is stopping him and he feels insane about it. He wanted to know what my thoughts were on our current situation. I told him exactly how I felt, and he listened, I told him I liked him a lot and wanted to keep seeing him, I understood his fear of commitment and wouldn't push him to do anything we weren't already doing. I said we can continue moving the relationship along slow, at our speed, and keep communicating about it. He understood what I was saying and said that totally made sense. He said his biggest fear is falling for someone and losing his freedom. He said he is also afraid we will try and it won't work and we will break up. He wants to be 100% certain that we won't break up before committing to me, which I told him is impossible until we at least try being together for real first. He said he needed to sleep on it... the next day, he said he is scared to try and feels he will never be in a relationship. I can see how much he is struggling with this and he says I am the perfect most ideal partner he could ever ask for but he is struggling with thought of commitment.  He said he it is not every day he meets someone like me but he just can't bring himself to commit right now and needs time.  Is he really afraid to commit or is this his way of breaking up with me?

Edited April 23, 2022 by Venus080411
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[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

I have been dating a guy for a little over 6 months now.

He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. 

A little background on us, he is 7 years younger than me  (he is 26, I am 33) and he is not very stable in his life right now. 

He has recently told me he has commitment issues and is scared to commit and be in a relationship.

He has never been in a real relationship.

He may ok for a short term fling, but he does not seem to be in the same life-space as what you need in a relationship.

Does he live with his parents? He seems to want to be free, but is ok with the arrangement you have for now.

[Venus080411]

Thank you for your reply Wiseman.  He lives with roommates right now and everything in his life is pretty up in the air.  I know he needs to work on himself, which is why I brought up moving things very slow so he can focus more on himself.  I am pretty independent myself so I would be OK with him taking time here and there to work on himself or do what he needs to do.  He has said he has thought about marrying me, which blows my mind considering he won't even commit to being my "boyfriend" at this point.  It is clear timing is off for us, it is just hard because we have such a close relationship so the thought of losing that for both of us is extremely hard.

[chillii]

 

Yeah he is scared of it and in all the ways he's explained so yeah , it's real for him. But 2ndly on that , you have it all worked out, good job , house, your secure, he has none of that and so a long long way to go to catch up to you in those ways to so how could he possibly feel he could commit to you unless he just wanted to use you up.And then yeah, there's he's freedom thing, pretty normal at that age but it's also more pronounced bc your older and he realizes that.

But yeah as you'd also obviously know to though , you two are just at such different places in life and really , where could it even go on any serious level anyway. lt's gonna take him yrs and yrs to be where you are now.

[glows]

When someone doesn't think they have enough to offer another, it's not unusual not to want to be involved in a relationship. It may be a "fear of commitment" in some ways but it seems more like a reluctance to be in a relationship where he may not feel he has much to offer. He may also see the way you live and is wistful or feeling like he doesn't compare or doesn't measure up. 

From what you've written he sounds too young, feeling too poorly and low about himself and possibly even resentful that he doesn't live up to whatever idea he has in his mind of who he should be in that moment in time. That war is in himself and I don't think there's anything you can do about that. What you can do instead is be more careful when dating and instead of running towards individuals who have issues with themselves preventing them from being in relationships, be respectful of their views about themselves and walk away. 

Given how jumbled up he has been and unsure, would you really place any weight on his suggestion of marriage? I'd pay attention to this as it seems to have stuck with you. The idea or concept of marriage appeals to you and it might have kept you hanging on longer than you might have if he never said those words. If you are looking to eventually marry and have children, then go back and review what you need out of a partner who is more present and ready to be a husband and father. 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Venus080411 said:

 Since the day we met, he texts, calls, video calls me daily. We video call all the time for hours at a time. He lives almost 2 hours from me and makes the drive to see me at least 1 to 2 times a week. Any free time he has, he calls me or visits me. He generally wants to know how my day is and is always checking in with me. He is the sweetest guy I have ever been with and he always makes me feel special. 

About asking him what *being committed* means to him?

The way I'm reading this, he's already very committed to you. At 6 months dating there is no need for any further commitment. When people have been abused/betrayed in their childhood they have a hard time trusting they won't be rejected again, it's a very slow process. I would encourage him to continue his therapy, and tell him that at 6 months dating you don't expect anything further than what you're sharing right now (if it's how you fee of course).

Edited April 23, 2022 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

Fear of commitment (i.e. "commitmentphobia") is about (in part) extremes.  

One one hand, he behaves like a boyfriend would, he puts forth effort, makes and plans dates, drives to see you twice a week, opens up, communicates. 

Then on the other hand, as you get closer (to commitment at least in his mind) he tells you he's no good, you can do better and is afraid of commitment and needs time alone.

Then on his third hand   tells you he wants to marry you!

Back to the hand communicating to you he's afraid of commitment and needs space alone. 

No doubt there will be a fourth hand with something different. 

I've been there and it's mind boggling and maddening!

While such fears are real, he needs a good shaking (figuratively), not you coddling and "understanding," or being patient, helping him through. 

That's the job of a therapist NOT a girlfriend.

Believe it or not, you being patient and understanding scares him more! 

There are great books out there discussing this, I suggest you Google and read. 

That said, my advice after only six months is wish him well, hope he finds himself and walk away.

You would be doing yourself a huge favor, please trust me on that. 

I know women who have been involved with men like this for years, one for seven years off and on (which is standard).

HE finally disappeared for good after which  she had a breakdown.  

Such stories are not uncommon. 

Be kinder to yourself, love yourself first. 

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Venus080411 said:

I can see how much he is struggling with this and he says I am the perfect most ideal partner he could ever ask for but he is struggling with thought of commitment.

This is all find and good that he feels this way about you but you don't feel he is the perfect most ideal partner for you because of his lack of career, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and is not stable.  Why are you fighting this?

[Venus080411]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

About asking him what *being committed* means to him?

The way I'm reading this, he's already very committed to you. At 6 months dating there is no need for any further commitment. When people have been abused/betrayed in their childhood they have a hard time trusting they won't be rejected again, it's a very slow process. I would encourage him to continue his therapy, and tell him that at 6 months dating you don't expect anything further than what you're sharing right now (if it's how you fee of course).

I 100% agree with you which is why I am so conflicted.  I told him his actions are showing me a commitment but his words keep telling me he can't do it so it is very confusing.  I am not asking for anything more from him at this point.  He is always the one to bring up the issue of not being able to commit and how he is worried I am wasting my time.  He comes from a very religious jewish family and his family would never approve of our relationship since I am not jewish.  He would pretty much be giving up his entire family if he decided to marry me one day.  He swears that has nothing to do with his commitment issues since he left home at 14 and isn't very close with them but I am starting to think it does.  He said he doesn't care if I am jewish or not but I wonder if he is not being 100% honest with me here... 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

He comes from a very religious jewish family and his family would never approve of our relationship since I am not jewish.  He would pretty much be giving up his entire family if he decided to marry me one day.  He swears that has nothing to do with his commitment issues since he left home at 14 and isn't very close with them but I am starting to think it does.  He said he doesn't care if I am jewish or not but I wonder if he is not being 100% honest with me here... 

Did his self-questionning start after visiting his family? or being in contact with them? 

[Venus080411]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did his self-questionning start after visiting his family? or being in contact with them? 

Yes, he visited with them and spent some time with his friends on a trip who are also very religious.  He identifies himself as being Jewish but he is not observant like his family is.  One reason I have never pushed him to "commit" is because I know it is a complicated thing for him given his background.  He told me when we first started dating he did ask his mother as a hypothetical question what her thoughts would be if he married a non jewish girl and he said she said some pretty awful things and pretty much said he would be cut from the family and she wouldn't even want to meet the girl or our kids if he ever did that.  That was heartbreaking to me.  He assured me it really didn't matter because unless he gets an arranged marriage, which he doesn't want to do, his family would not be accepting of the partner he chooses anyway.  He is not very close with his family, but again, I am sure this is part of his commitment issues...

[Gaeta]

@Venus080411: That is a lot of drama and uncertainties for a 33  year old woman who's looking to settle down, maybe marry & have children? I understand better now why he says he can't give you what you want, and you should beleive him. This relationship will rob you of your best years. You don't want to be out there at 38-39 looking for a man who wants to start a family this late. One of those issues will eventually break you. I would set him free. If you were 25 years old I'd probably have a slightly different answer but considering you're 33, I have a 34 year old daughter, I would advise her to let it go. 

[poppyfields]

42 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Be kinder to yourself, love yourself first.

@Venus080411 I'd like to expound on this^ from my previous post - love yourself first. 

Sadly, this is not happening often enough in many relationships I see.

Instead, the woman puts the needs of her man first, and puts her needs aside.  Loving him first.  Just look at this thread for example. 

You are expending an awful lot of energy attempting to understand HIM - his fears, his anxieties, what does HE want, how can you become what HE wants?! 

Loving HIM first. 

What happened to you?  Respecting and loving yourself first?

Women think it's selfish but it's not, it reflects a high self respect and esteem and trust me no man will ever truly love you OR respect you unless and until you love and respect yourself first. 

Please think about this.  All your attempts to understand and help him are actually working against you here, which is causing him to become more fearful. 

Again, please read about this, it's all over the internet, in articles, books and videos. 

Spend some time understanding yourself and why you are drawn to a man like this.  He's weak and has nothing to offer you. 

I'm sorry

Edited April 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

 I on the other hand am very stable.  I own my own home, I have a dog, and I have a stable career. I know what I want and he is unsure about everything in his life. I guess this should have been my first red flag...

I agree with @Gaeta  Run away from this one!!

Do you really want this "albatross around your neck"??  He sounds like a bit of a train wreck with all of his issues and problems.  Do you really want to take care of a "man-child" like this??

You didn't create all of his problems, why would you want to sign up to deal with and fix all of them??  Because that is what is going to happen, he is going to drop "everything" in your lap and use his previous "abuse" as an excuse not to "step to the plate" when a problem arises.

Don't you think you deserve better than this??

[smackie9]

He's just a young guy at a different stage in his life with lots more life to live before getting too serious with someone. He is ok with just having a GF and live in the moment. He's just not for you.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with smackie9.

Make sure that you look for someone who shares your objectives in life and is at the same stage of life as you.

So, this way, you will not need to cut any corners with regards to the things that are important to you.

 

[Venus080411]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with smackie9.

Make sure that you look for someone who shares your objectives in life and is at the same stage of life as you.

So, this way, you will not need to cut any corners with regards to the things that are important to you.

 

We do have similar objectives in life, I guess the timing is just off for us.  We are really good together in every other way... I guess I just feel he shouldn't have started anything with me if he wasn't ready to eventually commit.  I told him from the start I wasn't interested in any type of casual dating and he understood and said we would be exclusive and if all goes well, he would want us to be a couple.  I just feel he wasn't honest with me on this and I ended up getting very close and invested in him.

[poppyfields]

When he told you he was seeking a close, exclusive relationship, he was being honest with you, at the time he said it. 

If you were to read and learn about commitment fears, the fear and anxiety doesn't surface unless and until the fearful person begins feeling close. 

Emotionally and when in his over-reactive mind, the next step is commitment, even when the woman has said and done nothing to indicate she even wants commitment!  At least not for awhile until the relationship passes the test of time. 

That's when they feel the proverbial noose around their necks, panic sets in, fears/anxieties surface - losing their freedom, what if she isn't the right person, what if she gets fat (I've heard men say this) , what if I meet someone 'better,' the list goes on and on. 

Again do yourself a favor and just walk away.

He may be a lovely person but he's too conflicted and troubled to have anything even remotely resembling a healthy relationship.

Ciao and next..

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

I guess I just feel he shouldn't have started anything with me if he wasn't ready to eventually commit.  I told him from the start I wasn't interested in any type of casual dating and he understood and said we would be exclusive and if all goes well, he would want us to be a couple.  I just feel he wasn't honest with me on this and I ended up getting very close and invested in him.

This does not appear to be an intentional act of dishonesty on his part.

He has a past history of trauma.

It is not common for people to disclose their traumatic past early on - especially sexual trauma. The fact that you only became aware of it as time went on was due to the fading of the excitement and newness of the relationship at the point when he felt comfortable enough to share certain details from his past.

In the ideal situation, he would have reconciled his past traumas enough to be open to a relationship (or at the very least mention some indication of them) before the possibility of a "relationship" was mentioned.

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Venus080411]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

This does not appear to be an intentional act of dishonesty on his part.

He has a past history of trauma.

It is not common for people to disclose their traumatic past early on - especially sexual trauma. The fact that you only became aware of it as time went on was due to the fading of the excitement and newness of the relationship at the point when he felt comfortable enough to share certain details from his past.

In the ideal situation, he would have reconciled his past traumas enough to be open to a relationship (or at the very least mention some indication of them) before the possibility of a "relationship" was mentioned.

 

He was very upfront with me in the beginning that he had traumas from childhood and he also had told me he sees a therapist.  I figured he would tell me the details when he was ready, which he did.  I felt he was getting the help he needed by seeing a therapist, which made me feel like he was at least addressing his issues and not hiding from them, which is one thing I really liked about him.  I feel like he is just giving up on us before even giving us a shot, which is what hurts the most.

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

He was very upfront with me in the beginning that he had traumas from childhood and he also had told me he sees a therapist.  I figured he would tell me the details when he was ready, which he did.  I felt he was getting the help he needed by seeing a therapist, which made me feel like he was at least addressing his issues and not hiding from them, which is one thing I really liked about him.  I feel like he is just giving up on us before even giving us a shot, which is what hurts the most.

That's good.

However, he also chose not to continue therapy, which implies that he has little interest or commitment to his own ongoing wellbeing at this time.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do because he obviously holds a great deal of significance for you on an emotional level, but you might want to think carefully about the road ahead if you decide to stick with him.

I can imagine the pain that you're experiencing from it already; quite rightly so.

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Venus080411 said:

He would pretty much be giving up his entire family if he decided to marry me one day.

It is doubtful this is going to happen and he knows it.  I've known and know of many Jewish men and women who marry non Jewish people and of course their families would prefer they were Jewish but will not disown a good son or daughter because of the person they love.  Maybe they do this in other countries but it's a rare occurence in the US.  

[Venus080411]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That's good.

However, he also chose not to continue therapy, which implies that he has little interest or commitment to his own ongoing wellbeing at this time.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do because he obviously holds a great deal of significance for you on an emotional level, but you might want to think carefully about the road ahead if you decide to stick with him.

I can imagine the pain that you're experiencing from it already; quite rightly so.

 

 

 

 

He does continue therapy but feels he needs to get on a more consistent schedule with it.  As of now, he calls when he is struggling, maybe a few times a month.  He feels he would benefit more if he went weekly... he has discussed starting to go weekly again, but I am not sure if that has happened yet.

[Venus080411]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It is doubtful this is going to happen and he knows it.  I've known and know of many Jewish men and women who marry non Jewish people and of course their families would prefer they were Jewish but will not disown a good son or daughter because of the person they love.  Maybe they do this in other countries but it's a rare occurence in the US.  

Yes, he is originally from another country and they are much more strict with marrying within the Jewish community.  This was my concern from the start but he promised me in the beginning that it was not an issue because he felt no matter who he married his parents would not approve unless it was arranged.  I am thinking this may be part of his commitment issues.  If he feels he is in a serious relationship with someone, he feels he will have no family in a sense.  I bring it up often and he still promises me that he doesn't care that I am not jewish and it is not an issue, but I am not sure I believe him.

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Venus080411 said:

 I feel like he is just giving up on us before even giving us a shot, which is what hurts the most.

Dating 6 months is giving it a shot. At some point he has decided there just isn't the compatibility and life-stage there to make it work.