Jump to content

Older boyfriend seems to always want to invite his single friends to our getaways.

Confoosedgal

By Confoosedgal
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Confoosedgal Member

Confoosedgal

Posted
Posted

I have posted about this same boyfriend before (I know people on here have a weird thing for looking into OP's history of topics lol). He's 42 and I'm 30. Regarding the issue I posted about a while ago, we completely got it resolved through communication and a visit to the doctor's office so we're good there now.

I love him, he loves me. We always have a great time together. My previous issue with him has been completely resolved and I am happy in that area now. The issue here is his attachment to his group of friends who are all single and between the age of 37-41.

His 3 best friends are all between 37-41. None of them have girlfriends, wives, or children. My boyfriend seems to be the only one who has a history of  relationships, however I HAVE noticed they don't seem to go on beyond 6 months (ironically our same time frame right now) and he has only ever had 1 serious, long-term relationship with someone who, ironically, outgrew him and left him for someone else. 

Him AND his friends all kind of come off... immature to me. They work full-time in great careers and own their own houses but it seems their spare time is spent hanging out with each other several times a week, drinking and playing video games, they live like they are 21-year old college roommates. 

Before I came into the picture, all of them would often travel together. My boyfriend has brought 1 girlfriend to travel but it sounds like it has usually been with his friends as well.

So, I came up with an idea to travel to a certain country where I have some family members I've only ever seen through Facebook, (don't want to post here to try to keep it a little more anonymous), and we both thought it was a great idea as neither of us have been there. We go out to dinner with his friends and he INVITES them onto the trip. Again, a trip that I planned that included visiting MY family. All of his friends are excited about it, high fiving each other, and asking me for the "deets on the trip."

I wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. He has traveled with this group for the last 20 years and the way I see it is that I haven't even traveled out of state with this guy.

I haven't talked about it with him yet but I'm going to. 

The other issue is another trip we had a few weeks ago. His family owns a cabin out in this rural town area where there are tons of hills and hiking and amazing stuff to see. I'd never been before but my boyfriend, his family, and his friends go out every single year together. My boyfriend's family gave him April 16th to have the cabin for the weekend.

Normally, he and his buddies will stay there all weekend since my bf has been single for a long time (and so have his friends). Initially, he wanted ALL of us to go out together. Him, me, and his 3 single guy friends in this tiny two-bedroom cabin where the walls are very thin. 

I was uncomfortable with that since there weren't any other women going, I honestly don't know his friends very well, and we have only been dating for about 5 months at this point, I kind of want to create memories just for us right now.

I was 100% honest and communicated this with him and he agreed with me.

I thought he was going to tell his friends this as well and it turns out he never told them. When we all went out last night, they asked him when he was getting the cabin again and I could see him freaking out and he lied and said he "hadn't gotten his turn yet."

When we talked about it later, he said he didn't want to hurt their feelings. 

And the other issue is his friends do NOT want girlfriends (or so they tell me). They said they like just hanging out with each other and it's really all the companionship they need as none of them want marriage or kids either. And not to be mean but... none of them are attractive. So I don't really believe they will find anyone soon. One of his friends drunkenly told me that he has a vision where he, my boyfriend, and one of their friends would just move in together and they could just work, travel, and live as bachelors for the rest of their lives. 

When I questioned my boyfriend about whether this is a goal of his, he immediately shook his head and stated he wants marriage and kids and that's why he had started dating again. 

But, all of this is starting to bother me. I love my boyfriend, I think he's an absolute sweetheart, and I really do like his friends, they are funny and kind. But, all of this is starting to turn me off a bit.

We have to take his friends if we travel so their feelings aren't hurt (or I'm sure my bf wants them there), we have to invite his friends to his family parties because they have been going for the last 10 years and it would be unfair to them, we have to invite them to try out this new restaurant because he "just knows Mikey will love it."

If the guy was 22, I would make peace with it knowing he could mature later on. But the fact that they are all almost in their 40's tells me things are not going to change any time soon. 

Any advice on this subject???

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted
51 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

If the guy was 22, I would make peace with it knowing he could mature later on. But the fact that they are all almost in their 40's tells me things are not going to change any time soon. 

Seems the ball is in your court.  Can you accept your bf as he is or not?

  • Like 6
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
53 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

he INVITES them onto the trip. Again, a trip that I planned that included visiting MY family.  I wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. He has traveled with this group for the last 20 years and the way I see it is that I haven't even traveled out of state with this guy.

I was 100% honest and communicated this with him and he agreed with me.

Sorry this is happening. Dating 20 weeks is an excellent time to observe this type of thing.

He seems joined at the hip with his buddies as if they are fraternity bros.

It's good you can talk to him, however be aware at 42 he is not going to change.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I guess you're goiing to have to accept the friends as family too is you're going to stick around.  Do you by chance have any so-so attractive girlfriends who are desperate that you could invite along with you guys?    You never know.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I don't know, the only word l have in mind is *yuk*. 

I predict in not too long you will outgrow him as well.

Tell him the trip to visit your family is a personal trip for you and him only. Not negociable. 

Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted

Do you have an issue if he traveled alone with guys?

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted (edited)

I see this as a take it or leave it thing. A person comes with a set of friends and their family as a package bundle and it's less of a decision or up to you to take him and not the rest of his ties and relationships. I don't see it as a split. I don't see this changing. This is exactly who he is, everything, in all his glory.

You're dating to observe and not necessarily to waste your life and energy staying too long to criticize every single detail. If it gets to the point where you're wanting to punch him in the face your level of frustration is through the roof and unpleasant - it's unpleasant for you and likely unpleasant for anyone to be around.

There's a high likelihood that his friends haven't really accepted you either and their eager anticipation of a trip that so obviously originated with you and your idea to visit your family is a passive aggressive way to interfere in your relationship. I can't believe grown adults like this could be so oblivious of their own actions or the way it affects others, regardless of how they spend their time or what they look like in terms of appearance. The way that they behave around you is also a mirror or echo of how your boyfriend views you as his girlfriend. In reality, it's without much respect. 

In the end it's up to you who you want to associate with. I think it's healthy he has his friendships. It's not healthy that he seems to be a pushover and a people pleaser. This could lead to plentiful issues in the future. If you can't trust him on mere vacation plans, how would you trust him with your children. And so on.

 

Edited by glows
  • Like 3
chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted

He's the friendy friendy type person , some people are just like that , real people people. l for example would never be interested in taking 3mates away with me and my gf , especially to also be meeting her family. Buttttt apparently to him this is all a great idea.  A lot of women are right into all their gf's too , even married women. Other guys might be fine with that and see all their own friends just the same me, l don't see friends very often and l wouldn't be interested in some woman so interested and needy of her her friends all the time. It's something you'll have to see along the way as you are now, just how you feel about it bc really friendy people are usually just like that so he probably won't be changing , especially being single so long , no hope.

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted

My biggest advice is to TELL him right away when this comes up, stop bottling up your feelings about it.  When he invites his friends on a trip that was supposed to be the two of you, without even consulting you, say something to him right away and let him know that you're not ok with that.  If you don't say anything and just pretend that it's ok, it becomes much harder for you to say something later.

He sounds incredibly immature for his age, and his insistence on having his friends be there all the time would drive me absolutely crazy.  I wouldn't be ok with that and I wouldn't bottle up my feelings about it and pretend that it's ok.  This guy seriously needs to grow up if he expects to have a relationship with an actual woman, and you need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you're not ok with this.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

I would personally be very turned off by a 42-year-old man behaving this way. 

You might be younger , but you are definitely the more mature one. And at his age, that is likely not going to change. This is who he is. You can bring it up, of course, but I don't see this relationship panning out well. Your mindsets are far too different. 

FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

stated he wants marriage and kids and that's why he had started dating again. 

He may very well think he wants that, but it's not his priority.  His actions show that his priority is having fun with his buddies.  A wife and kids would just be a nice thing to come home to, secondary to his friends.  Anyone he does marry would likely find herself home alone with the children much of the time.  As has been pointed out, he's 42.  He is who he is, he's not going to change and will ultimately resent anyone who thinks he should.  

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

I have posted about this same boyfriend before (I know people on here have a weird thing for looking into OP's history of topics lol). He's 42 and I'm 30. Regarding the issue I posted about a while ago, we completely got it resolved through communication and a visit to the doctor's office so we're good there now.

I love him, he loves me. We always have a great time together. My previous issue with him has been completely resolved and I am happy in that area now. The issue here is his attachment to his group of friends who are all single and between the age of 37-41.

His 3 best friends are all between 37-41. None of them have girlfriends, wives, or children. My boyfriend seems to be the only one who has a history of  relationships, however I HAVE noticed they don't seem to go on beyond 6 months (ironically our same time frame right now) and he has only ever had 1 serious, long-term relationship with someone who, ironically, outgrew him and left him for someone else. 

Him AND his friends all kind of come off... immature to me. They work full-time in great careers and own their own houses but it seems their spare time is spent hanging out with each other several times a week, drinking and playing video games, they live like they are 21-year old college roommates. 

Before I came into the picture, all of them would often travel together. My boyfriend has brought 1 girlfriend to travel but it sounds like it has usually been with his friends as well.

So, I came up with an idea to travel to a certain country where I have some family members I've only ever seen through Facebook, (don't want to post here to try to keep it a little more anonymous), and we both thought it was a great idea as neither of us have been there. We go out to dinner with his friends and he INVITES them onto the trip. Again, a trip that I planned that included visiting MY family. All of his friends are excited about it, high fiving each other, and asking me for the "deets on the trip."

I wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. He has traveled with this group for the last 20 years and the way I see it is that I haven't even traveled out of state with this guy.

I haven't talked about it with him yet but I'm going to. 

The other issue is another trip we had a few weeks ago. His family owns a cabin out in this rural town area where there are tons of hills and hiking and amazing stuff to see. I'd never been before but my boyfriend, his family, and his friends go out every single year together. My boyfriend's family gave him April 16th to have the cabin for the weekend.

Normally, he and his buddies will stay there all weekend since my bf has been single for a long time (and so have his friends). Initially, he wanted ALL of us to go out together. Him, me, and his 3 single guy friends in this tiny two-bedroom cabin where the walls are very thin. 

I was uncomfortable with that since there weren't any other women going, I honestly don't know his friends very well, and we have only been dating for about 5 months at this point, I kind of want to create memories just for us right now.

I was 100% honest and communicated this with him and he agreed with me.

I thought he was going to tell his friends this as well and it turns out he never told them. When we all went out last night, they asked him when he was getting the cabin again and I could see him freaking out and he lied and said he "hadn't gotten his turn yet."

When we talked about it later, he said he didn't want to hurt their feelings. 

And the other issue is his friends do NOT want girlfriends (or so they tell me). They said they like just hanging out with each other and it's really all the companionship they need as none of them want marriage or kids either. And not to be mean but... none of them are attractive. So I don't really believe they will find anyone soon. One of his friends drunkenly told me that he has a vision where he, my boyfriend, and one of their friends would just move in together and they could just work, travel, and live as bachelors for the rest of their lives. 

When I questioned my boyfriend about whether this is a goal of his, he immediately shook his head and stated he wants marriage and kids and that's why he had started dating again. 

But, all of this is starting to bother me. I love my boyfriend, I think he's an absolute sweetheart, and I really do like his friends, they are funny and kind. But, all of this is starting to turn me off a bit.

We have to take his friends if we travel so their feelings aren't hurt (or I'm sure my bf wants them there), we have to invite his friends to his family parties because they have been going for the last 10 years and it would be unfair to them, we have to invite them to try out this new restaurant because he "just knows Mikey will love it."

If the guy was 22, I would make peace with it knowing he could mature later on. But the fact that they are all almost in their 40's tells me things are not going to change any time soon. 

Any advice on this subject???

Doesn't sound like you really care for the friends even though you said you do.  They're immature and they don't look very good, your words not mine.😆  And my guess is that they sense that you don't particularly care for them.

Well, my opinion is if you think he's going to distance himself from his friends then you're kidding yourself.  I think if we play this out and you get married, naturally there would be more of him spending time with you but the friends will be in the picture still.  They were there long before you after at all.

It's just like family, you have to accept the friends with the BF, they're a package deal.

One thing I don't think is fair is to conflate his friends goals with his own.  If he weren't interested in women then he would be with you.

Quite honestly, I think you should be elated that he has a group of friends that won't be chasing women.  Would you feel better if all of his friends were playboys?

Why don't you make a trip and specify that it'll be the trip for just you two?  If you plan the trip thinking he'll be able to read your mind then that's the wrong way to go.  You have to speak up before the fact.

The only way this can work is if you make a good faith effort to accept the friends.  That's it.  If you somehow were to convince him to drop the friends, then he would likely become extremely unhappy and resentful of you.

Edited by dramafreezone
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

The man is 42 and his last GF "out grew him" and left. His friends have relationships that only lasted 6 months....FOR A REASON. They are immature and no woman has been able to change that. You are fighting a losing battle here because I'm sure women from the past already tried and failed.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

It sounds like he puts his friends first. Nothing wrong with that but it is a reality you will have to deal with.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

This may be a case of "birds of a feather flock together", so since it's early on zoom out and observe this before investing more time, energy and emotion.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

To be fair a lot of my friends are not the marrying kind or have gotten out of bad marriages and have no desire to enter another one and I have been happily married for 16 years. I still let them know that my wife and I need couple time though.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

He sounds perfect to me. Who is to say you ever need to "grow up"? Maybe his buddies only have 6 months long relationships is because that's what they want. Not everyone enjoys being in long relationships with ultimate life goal of having marriage/kids. Marriage/kids is not a definition of "growing up" either, it's just something society has brainwashed us with.

My friends that went marriage/kids route and put that as a 100% priority over all social life, bore me to death.

  • Like 4
Foxhall Established Member

Foxhall

Posted
Posted

Its quite reasonable I think to feel uncomfortable at the notion of his buddies joining you on vacations, especially considering you are still only getting to know other really,

tell him to leave them at home,

if you do pursue a relationship- it should be perfectly fine for him to meet them casually in his own time,

you dont want to become the controlling type who will restrict a guy from having his male friends completely,

thats what guys who are single at 42 dislike (a woman controlling when and where and if they can meet their friends)

in saying that , It strikes me as a little odd that he wants to bring them along, personally I would find it problematic having male buddies joining on a trip with partner, without other women going. 

just get that balance right- being forthright about what makes you uncomfortable but not becoming controlling of him.

dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

He sounds perfect to me. Who is to say you ever need to "grow up"? Maybe his buddies only have 6 months long relationships is because that's what they want. Not everyone enjoys being in long relationships with ultimate life goal of having marriage/kids. Marriage/kids is not a definition of "growing up" either, it's just something society has brainwashed us with.

My friends that went marriage/kids route and put that as a 100% priority over all social life, bore me to death.

I tend to agree with your line of thought.  Additionally there are plenty of married with kids people that are as immature as a 5 year old.  Getting married and having kids doesn't confer maturity.

OP, frankly I think if this is the biggest issue, you are doing better than a lot of people looking for a suitable partner.  Ultimately you have to decide what you can deal with and what you can't.  But there will always be an "issue," there is no such thing as a guy with no issues, or a situation where you get everything you want and none of what you don't.  A relationship (and ultimately marriage) is about compromise.   

Edited by dramafreezone
  • Like 1
Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted

Yes agree with most posters. You either have to accept him as he is or leave. The criticism and "immature" labels are really just a sign of incompatibility. It's you expressing the type of person you want as a partner, and if you think he's immature, he isn't it.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I never understand why people date people who are one way and then try to change them.  Wouldn't it be better to go after what you originally want in the first place?

  • Like 4
Interstellar Established Member

Interstellar

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well there’s no such thing as a perfect guy or girl BUT if they’re perfect 90 percent of the time, and have no major issues such as psychological ie. drug or criminal history, physical ie. obese fat or unattractive lol, or exes, crazy inlaws or kids in the background, financial ie can’t hold a job, or any other major issues that you can think of, then you’re gonna have to live with the other 10 percent that’s not perfect. Because we’re all gonna have to give. Do you think his friends is the 10 percent that you can live with? or does he have other major issues. Nobody’s perfect. Ask yourself whether you can live with his friends in the background. He sounds like a great guy to me. And who knows maybe his friends would end up married at one point or another, you never know.

Edited by Interstellar
  • Like 1
bene Established Member

bene

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

My friends that went marriage/kids route and put that as a 100% priority over all social life, bore me to death.

Our friends don’t exist to entertain us, they have their own paths.

OP and the guy are just incompatible. Personally I wouldn’t like friends having such an impact on my romantic relationship, there are some things that belong to an intimate sphere. I’m an introvert and constantly having all these people around sounds exhausting. But this isn’t about me. He’s in his forties and will not change, this is the life he has chosen.

  • Like 6
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't be surprised that the friends see OP as someone coming between them and OP's boyfriend. I find they don't have a lot of respect toward her when intruding themselves in her personal plans with her bf, they probably think she's temporary, just like his previous girlfriends. Your boyfriend is also dating much younger women because women his age wouldn't put up with his juvenile ways. 

  • Like 3
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 4/22/2022 at 8:13 PM, ShyViolet said:

My biggest advice is to TELL him right away when this comes up, stop bottling up your feelings about it.  When he invites his friends on a trip that was supposed to be the two of you, without even consulting you, say something to him right away and let him know that you're not ok with that.  If you don't say anything and just pretend that it's ok, it becomes much harder for you to say something later.

He sounds incredibly immature for his age, and his insistence on having his friends be there all the time would drive me absolutely crazy.  I wouldn't be ok with that and I wouldn't bottle up my feelings about it and pretend that it's ok.  This guy seriously needs to grow up if he expects to have a relationship with an actual woman, and you need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you're not ok with this.

I agree with this^, specifically the bolded /underscored.  THAT is what would trouble me most. 

Another big issue is that you walk on eggshells, afraid to speak up and communicate your concerns.  Why is that?  In fact, that may be the biggest red flag of all imo. 

At his age, he's not gonna change.  His friends are like family, they share a male bond, they're literally his bros. 

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and if me, I would wait for an opportune time and tell him how you feel, calmly and rationally. 

That it's great he's so tight with his friends but you were looking forward to time away with him, just the two of you.  Meeting your family and well, just having that quality time together. 

After sharing your feelings, let him decide. Hopefully, he will consider your feelings and understand, maybe even come to agree. 

If not, then YOU have a decision to make. Stay or go, find another man more compatible in this regard. 

Fwiw, none of this would fly with me personally.  But I have a friend who rarely takes vacations with her husband, just the two of them.  It's always with a bunch of people, friends or family. 

Good luck, keep us posted! 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...