The Love of My Life May Be Headed to Prison

[glows]

Whatever you choose, it is a choice. Don't feel stuck. All of this may not have sunk in yet. Your feelings and outlook may change in the near future.

Edited April 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed long quote

[vla1120]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Whatever you choose, it is a choice. Don't feel stuck. All of this may not have sunk in yet. Your feelings and outlook may change in the near future.

In addition, you're not really sure of the outcome of his case just yet, so it's best to bide your time. You do not have to make any decisions right now. 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

In addition, you're not really sure of the outcome of his case just yet, so it's best to bide your time. You do not have to make any decisions right now. 

Very much in agreement with this. A lot can be said for observing more, doing less. Bide your time and see how things go. You struggle with conflict between heart and head, OP. If you've invested a great deal into your career and care a lot about what you want for yourself or your future, it's inevitable to me that the path splits. Sometimes it just takes time to let go.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/19/2022 at 1:49 PM, Goldenflow said:

he was a raging alcoholic,

had stints in the mental hospital,

was taking drugs and was in a very toxic and abusive (on both ends) marriage.

he was accused of sexually assaulting his wife's 16 year old sister.

he can't afford the $900 a month for support of his daughter. 

his place is literally falling apart.

You don't even have to wait for a verdict/sentence. Any of these alone is a red flag.

[Lisa]

Thread has had legal speculation removed.  

[Goldenflow]

Good Afternoon Everyone,

 

Thank you for your advice. I apologize for the late response, work has been intense this week.

To answer some of your questions:

 

1. Charges were dropped and two years later they were brought up, what's taking so long?

 

Well, they had the discovery process. And the prosecutor kept having the deadline extended. Then the hearings kept being reset. It must have been reset about 4 times. This past Monday was the first hearing that actually went through, in about a year. Usually, from what I have heard from the criminal sector, when the hearings keep being delayed, when the discovery deadline keeps being pushed, it's because they can't contact the victim. They're not responding. And the court will give as much time as they can to make sure that the victim gets their justice. Which is a good thing.

 

2. When were the charges re-instated?

 

Charges being reinstated happened around the time his ex-wife found out that he had a girlfriend. (Not me. Previous girl.) I don't know the precise timeline, if the charges were brought back up before or after. But it was around that time. She came over to talk to my boyfriend, saw a woman's pair of shoes in the foyer, and freaked. She insisted on going through out the house, looking for her. Which, at time, his ex girlfriend wasn't home. He ended up calling the police and they told his ex wife to leave. After that, she would stop answering his texts and phone calls to request visitation with his daughter, and just became very cold  towards him. It wasn't until last year, when she found out that he and his ex were no longer together, that his parents were breaking up through infidelity (his mom had cheated on his dad) and that he had gotten laid off from work,  that she began to soften a little bit. She started allowing him to come over and spend time with their daughter. Take her out on outings without her, and the like. It wasn't until he asked her about the reduction in child support, which was earlier this year, that she began to retreat again.

Which, brings me to my next point as to why I feel like there's something....off. And why I'm not completely dismissive of both sides.

 

So, lets say my boyfriend was actually assaulting a minor. Lets say everything happened the way that his ex and her sister narrated the scene.

His ex wife lives with her father and step mother, and other siblings. When she was allowing my boyfriend to see his daughter, she would invite him over to her family home.When I asked him how he was received, if there seemed to be any hostility, he said, 'Like I always am treated.'

Her dad came up to him, shook his hand, gave him a hug. Told him that it was nice seeing him. Even told him out of ear shot of his daughter, that he felt that his daughter was treating my boyfriend dirty. But didn't elaborate.

His ex wife has allowed my boyfriend to pick up their daughter and take her on outings to go get ice cream or to the park to play, or just to go summer clothes shopping and lunch. Alone. While the mom did her own shopping. Or got her nails did. Or hung out with friends. Now....if his ex wife honestly believes that her ex-husband is a sexual predator......then why leave him alone with your child? It's one of the most puzzling things.  If his ex wife's family honestly believes that he has hurt their daughters.....why invite him over a for a family function? It is so puzzling to me. Maybe I'm the weird one.

 

3. Why was he on top of his 16 year old sister in law?

I've honestly never asked him. But then again, if you're drunk out of your head, why would you do anything?

 

4. Do you enjoy the drama?

 

No. I was single for quite some time. And I was very selective who whom I shared my body with. I chose my boyfriend as a partner because he was:

1. Almost painfully transparent. I can respect that.

2. Philosophical. Not afraid to have deeper conversations that actually make sense.

3. Sticks to his values, even if they seem to be causing more harm than good.

4. Emotionally intelligent.

5. Soft spoken and hard to anger.

6. Doesn't run from conflict, but is willing to sit down and work it out. I don't meet too many people who are willing to do that.

7. Appreciative.

8. And it doesn't hurt that he's really really attractive in a very classical man sort of sense, and the sex is pretty fun. But that's neither here nor there. If was the Beast, I would still love him.

 

The men I have been with in the past, have always been extremely self serving and overly dramatic. His quietness is soothing. His lack of games and drama is what drew me to me. He's almost monk-like at this point in his life.  Yeah, he can be playing me for a fool. But at what point do you start seeing the cracks in the facade?

[Goldenflow]

Though I do sincerely do believe that something happened, I believe that the story is skewed by perception on all parties involves. So I shall wait, for his June hearing. That's all I can do at the moment.

I have my own place, I have my own things. I'm stable, I don't need him.

Also, to answer the question about his family: He has never been close with his sister, since she's 15 years older than him. Never had a close relationship with his mom, considering she was a pill popper since he was 8. And his dad, even though seems to be the only who calls him, checks on him, and shows some sort of amount of love, is a 'man's man' and believes that as a man, you get yourself into a situation, you don't call your daddy or mommy to assist you in getting out. So he is literally on his own, with very little support. His daughter was his only true reason for almost....everything. And now there's a real chance of his daughter being taken away.

 

But yes. I'm going to wait.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would have been done ages ago, personally. 

I don't stand for this sort of drama, and especially not for some dude I've dated less than a year. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

Why was he on top of his 16 year old sister in law?

I've honestly never asked him. But then again, if you're drunk out of your head, why would you do anything?

And this? Nah. 

I have been drunk out of my head a few times in my wild and younger days. Never found myself draped all over a minor. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

It doesn't hurt that he's really really attractive in a very classical man sort of sense, and the sex is pretty fun. 

Take your time. Everything you're hearing is hearsay. 

Let his friends and family take care of him.

[Gaeta]

Love should not be a consideration here. You are an adult woman with stability, assets, and the possibility of a bright future ahead of you. All this would be gone *in the name of love* if you stay with him. Being married to a sex offender is no joke. He'll have a hard time finding work and crossing any border, he'll probably be forbidden to be in close proximity of children under 16 years old. Everywhere you'll live the neighbors, colleagues, will lean about it and not want you and him around their family. Statistics show that relationships have a 50% chance of making it long term, how long you think yours will last if you add to the equation his criminal record? Also, when the honeymoon phase wears off, when the routine settles and you start noticing that he looks at your niece a little intensely, this story will always re-surface in your head and you'll wonder.....what if...

Now, let me push it a little. Lets say he's found guilty and is on the list of sex offenders, and you later have children.....If something EVER comes up again, if any other women decide to come forward with a complain of sexual harassment, you could lose the guardianship of your own children. 

I know this because I was given the guardianship of a child that her mother fell in love with a man on the sex offender's list. 

Take love out of the equation, please. 

[BaileyB]

Yup, using “love” as justification to stay with this man is something that would be expected for a teenage girl -

I’m assuming OP that you are a grown woman. I’m assuming that you’ve learned a little about life and your brain has matured and developed such that you are not making decisions as one would in their teenage years. 

While one can not help who they develop feelings for - we all have the ability to assess the situation, asses the individual, and decide whether this relationship is going to be a good and healthy choice for our future. You haven’t done this here - and again, you fail to do this at your own peril. 

Sure, there are those who meet and marry men who are incarcerated for various, sometimes notorious, crimes. I would argue that that’s less a love story than something more pathological….

[Gaeta]

On 4/19/2022 at 9:24 PM, Goldenflow said:

I've actually known him for closer to two years. We talked for months before we ever met up, and then hung out for awhile (platonically) before we started dating.

*talking* does not count as getting to know someone. Your dating history is 10 months. That's not long enough to confirmed he's a 'reformed' character. 

You saying 'but I've known him 2 years', is you stretching it to give this relationship a little more weight then it has. 

Out of curiosity, why did it take 1 year talking before meeting?

[FMW]

On 4/19/2022 at 8:24 PM, Goldenflow said:

My boyfriend says he remembers that he was on top of her, but he doesn't remember for what.

I can't imagine a good reason for him to be on top of her.  Regardless of how drunk he might have been, I have a hard time believing it would make him do something like get on top of his 16 year old sister-in-law if that wasn't something he had the inclination to do anyway.  

On 4/19/2022 at 8:24 PM, Goldenflow said:

They would arrest him and take him down to Gen Pop where he would stay in isolation until they could get him to a mental ward. 

This sounds like it was something that happened on more than one occasion.  

It seems like your guy has a history of serious issues.  As has been mentioned by others, he probably will continue to have these issues going forward.  

Be honest with yourself about what you are willing and able to deal with on an ongoing basis.  Staying with him, no matter what, means you are looking at a life where this kind of drama and unhappiness is likely to be permanent.  

[bene]

On 4/20/2022 at 11:11 PM, Wiseman2 said:

he was a raging alcoholic,

had stints in the mental hospital,

was taking drugs and was in a very toxic and abusive (on both ends) marriage.

he was accused of sexually assaulting his wife's 16 year old sister.

he can't afford the $900 a month for support of his daughter. 

his place is literally falling apart.

I just don’t see how all these issues have magically disappeared in a year. Even without the assault this is a lot to deal with.

There are people who want to be the savior as if it makes them special and creates a special type of bond where the other person is eternally grateful. Usually it doesn’t work out this way.