The Love of My Life May Be Headed to Prison

[Goldenflow]

I....really don't know what to do in this situation. I don't date men with criminal backgrounds. But....I just don't know what to do. A little advice, please?

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, our 1 year anniversary is June 16th. We met on Tinder, and we were friends for awhile before dating became an option. He is a very gentle, quiet, kind man. He's in therapy, he has adopted the Hindu faith, he eats clean. He's very particular about keeping his life stable and regimented. It's because, it wasn't always the case. Until about 5 years ago, he was a raging alcoholic, had stints in the mental hospital, was taking drugs and was in a very toxic and abusive (on both ends) marriage. The person I see today is the complete opposite of the person that he was 5 years ago. He lost everything, to get to this point of clarity. And now he might lose it all again.

 

4 years ago, he was accused of sexually assaulting his wife's 16 year old sister. He and his wife were having an argument in the living room. He was very intoxicated. She left the room and when she returned, she says that she saw my boyfriend on top of her sister, who was sleeping on the couch. The police was called. My boyfriend says he wasn't doing that (but he was intoxicated, so his memory isn't the most clear) he was arrested, taken in. The charges were then dropped. About two years later, he was notified that the charges were being brought up once again. Due to the inactivity of the victim within the case, my boyfriend's attorney surmised that it will get dismissed.

My boyfriend is also working to have his child support with his ex wife reduced. His income has dropped significantly since the divorce 3 years ago, and he can't afford the $900 a month for support of his daughter. He submitted the paper work to his ex wife last month for a reduction, who then declined. My boyfriend then attended his criminal hearing yesterday, and the new prosecutor has proposed 4 years in prison.  Which means that the victim has requested for prison sentencing.

My boyfriend is devastated. He feels like he is about to lose everything he has worked for over these past few years. He's scared, because he feels like his life will be in danger within prison. (He hasn't told me this, but I can tell)

All I can think about is our future. Yeah, his attorney stated that they can go for probation, but it's beginning to feel more and more like he will have to serve at least 6 months. We were supposed to be moving in together in the fall. Then after that, then what? He would have to start all over again. Maybe he won't even be emotionally stable enough to continue a relationship, let alone financially. He's old school and believes that a man should take care of the woman. He believes that if he can't do that, he's not a man.

I don't know what to do....do I move in to his place (which is literally falling apart. It is one of the reasons why were going to get a place together this fall) and just pay the bills until he gets out?

Or B, do we put his stuff into storage and I pay for it until he gets out?

Or C.....break up with him until this is over?

I am so in love with this man. And I see him as my future. I have never wanted to have kids, I have never wanted to get married. But if he asked me to marry him last week, I would have said yes.

Last night, he was laying in my arms sleeping and I just started to cry. I was feeling his heart beat against my hand, and it hurt thinking I would never feel that beat again or hear/feel his breathing against my skin. I was crying like he was dying or something.

A part of me is like, girl: You are a college graduate with a professional career. No kids, no debt, brand new car in the drive way, money in the bank. If I wanted to fly to Sweden tomorrow, I could. And here I am crying over a potential jail bird who can't even legally leave the country.

 

Help, please.

[BrinnM]

Oh man, that's tough. Not sure what to tell you, as I have never even remotely been in a situation like that.

1 hour ago, Goldenflow said:

A) do I move in to his place (which is literally falling apart. It is one of the reasons why were going to get a place together this fall) and just pay the bills until he gets out?

Or B, do we put his stuff into storage and I pay for it until he gets out?

Or C.....break up with him until this is over?

If I am looking at your options, I would definitely not do A (why would you even do that? Don't you have your own place?), and as far as B is concerned, I think this should be his decision. I would stay completely out of it, and I think it would be unfair of him to drag you into this. You're not married, not engaged, you don't share a household. Let him and/or his family deal with his finances, real estate and property. 

You don't have to do C, if you don't want to. I probably would though, even though I know it's "selfish". But can you see yourself sharing a life and possibly having a family with a convicted sex offender who got charged for molesting a minor? This will have life-long consequences, it will haunt him for a very long time. And if you stay with him and somebody finds out about his past (neighbors or people from work, or even when he applies for a job there will be background checks and he may never find a decent job), people will not only judge him, they will judge you as well. It all seems very bleak. I am sorry.

 

  

Edited April 19, 2022 by BrinnM

[smackie9]

He's a grown man, he can figure out what he needs to do IF he does go to jail. IMO if this is his first offence/has no criminal history, and only eye witness testimony from a raging crazy ex/possible coaching her daughter, there might not be any prosecution. BUT since he's crappin himself and has no confidence in him being found innocent....that's telling that he might be guilty. You may feel smitten now, but it's gonna wear off someday, with feelings of regret. 

IMO they are shooting themselves in the foot. That child support they depend on will be cut off for those 4 years and after he gets out, he won't be able to get a job...dummies. If this goes through, they can go after his personal possessions. So storing them won't be an issue. He will most likely have to sell everything. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Goldenflow said:

Or C.....break up with him until this is over?

C. You don't know him that well. You know who he tells you he is and who you want someone to be. He is playing on your empathy/sympathy, but he has done a lot of harm to a lot of people.

Edited April 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Goldenflow said:

do I move in to his place (which is literally falling apart. It is one of the reasons why were going to get a place together this fall) and just pay the bills until he gets out?

Or B, do we put his stuff into storage and I pay for it until he gets out?

Oh, girl. Oh hale no, to everything above. 

Please, with all due respect - give your head a shake. You have been dating less than a year. And there are major red flags here. I get that people can learn from the past, but you, A) probably don't know the whole story, but rather the version he's decided to tell you, and B) you should not be the one to shoulder all of this for a guy you've dated less than 12 months. 

You need to protect your own well-being - including your finances. I would walk away from this. It's far too much and you don't really even seem to know what you're signing up for with this guy. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

He's in therapy, he has adopted the Hindu faith, he eats clean. He's very particular about keeping his life stable and regimented. My boyfriend then attended his criminal hearing yesterday, and the new prosecutor has proposed 4 years in prison. 

Where are his friends and family? Why won't anyone else help him? Not to sound jaded, but many prisoners/those facing jail time have had religious epiphanies and are in therapy and changed men. 

[glows]

You may not have a choice and he has already made up his mind to end the relationship with you because he can’t “provide” while in jail. I’m sorry for your heartbreak and talk with him. If you care for one another I think he’d let you go and you’ll do the same. 

Don’t pay for anything related to him or for storage. He has to start with a clean start and that’s what he may want too. Try not to assume too many things or take too much on. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

Last night, he was laying in my arms sleeping and I just started to cry. I was feeling his heart beat against my hand, and it hurt thinking I would never feel that beat again or hear/feel his breathing against my skin.

This is not "I got caught with some club drugs". This is someone capable of sexually assaulting a minor. You are being charmed as a target. Who hops on tinder knowing they are going to prison?

Someone manipulating you with crocodile tears feeling sorry for himself. He clearly has no remorse and is still making excuses. Read up on sociopathy.

If you want to know who he really is, look behind the curtain of religion, clean eating, etc. and listen to the testimony of his victims, witnesses, etc. at the trial.

That is who he really is. Have you even researched his criminal  background?

[Trail Blazer]

I'm all for second chances for people who want to turn their life around and have taken the right steps to remedy their addictions/substance abuses/mental health. 

However, there is a limit where things just become too much for one person to fully unpackage.  This sounds like one of these cases.

You only know the guy for fewer than twelve months.  You're emotionally invested (read: "love of my life") so you're going to want to hold on to anything that can align with what you're hoping will be the outcome.

Look, of course there is a chance that it's all untrue and a fabrication.  Or, that he "doesn't remember" as he was under the influence of an inhibition-reducing substance.

It's easy for someone sitting outside of the situation to say, "do this or do that", but I guess I'm going to tell you the same thing that I'd tell my daughter if she was in the same position: RUN!

People with pasts like this usually can't shake their pasts completely.  People like this often live a roller-coaster of highs and lows, with recovery a relapse being a cycle. 

You could well just be seeing his high cycle.  Don't get too deep and get dragged down with him when he falls into his likely 'low'.  It sounds like thr choice may be taken out of your hands, though.

Regardless of whether he's incarcerated, please look long and hard about whether this is really a guy you want to be with long-term.  If, however, he goes to jail, you HAVE to move on.  There's simply no other choice.  

Sorry, it may sound harsh, but for you, it's probably the best outcome if he does go to jail.  It would essentially amount to a get out of jail free card on your part, for want of a better term.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

Or C.....break up with him until this is over?

There are so many red flags here, you could have a parade. Ignore these at your own peril. 

You would be wise to let this go.

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

46 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There are so many red flags here, you could have a parade. Ignore these at your own peril. 

You would be wise to let this go.

I agree but when is love ever wise? 

I'm being serious. 

In fact, all these obstacles of him being faced with prison time and a long separation not to mention his questionable past, make it appear all that more compelling and "romantic," like something you might read in your favorite romance novel. 

Two lovers faced with formidable circumstances out of their control, it's the perfect set up for a great love obsession. 

Just trying to be real, there is no way on god's green earth the OP is gonna break up with him. 

OP, my advice is let him figure it all out and do his time if it comes to that. 

Stay in touch through written communication, phone and visits and see how you both feel when he's released. 

Edited April 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

Seriously though Poppy, every major dealbreaker - they are all found in this story.

Drug and alcohol abuse. Check. Past history of hospitalization for mental health/addictions. Check. Abusive relationship. Check. Allegation of child sexual assault. Check. 

Quite simply, he has had and will continue to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions. As will OP if she fails to head the warning here. 

 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Seriously though Poppy, every major dealbreaker - they are all found in this story.

Drug and alcohol abuse. Check. Past history of hospitalization for mental health/addictions. Check. Abusive relationship. Check. Allegation of child sexual assault. Check. 

Quite simply, he has had and will continue to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions. As will OP if she fails to head the warning here. 

 

I agree with you, 100%.  But when it comes to our emotions, and being in love which the OP surely is no matter how many red flags we as objective observers can see, none of these are going to be dealbreakers.

Logically yes.  Emotionally no.

Love, obsession, fantasy, those emotions are never logical imo and experience.

So, I'm not going to advise the OP to end things cause she's just not going to.

Realistically, given how she feels, all she can do is accept the situation, he does his time, and she waits to see how she feels upon his release. Or sooner. 

Again just trying to be real; I have never known anyone so in love who would even consider ending a relationship because of advice they received on an internet forum.

Even though they should. 

Edited April 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Goldenflow]

Hello,

 

Thank you everyone for your posts. I greatly appreciate it.

 

Some additional facts:

I've actually known him for closer to two years. We talked for months before we ever met up, and then hung out for awhile (platonically) before we started dating.

He has been arrested before, which is why he has no faith in the criminal justice system. He has been arrested for: Drunk and disorderly and drug possession (weed and shrooms). But mostly the cops was called because he was feeling suicidal or had attempted suicide, or was found with evidence of self harm. They would arrest him and take him down to Gen Pop where he would stay in isolation until they could get him to a mental ward. 

My boyfriend says he remembers that he was on top of her, but he doesn't remember for what. This was during the height of his alcoholism.

I'm usually the one to believe the victim and will always believe that the accused is guilty guilty guilty. But after hearing his side and in conjunction of what I know about him......it sounds fishy in different ways. I'm not saying that he did NOT do it. But I believe that the perception of the situation is skewed.

I understand that if he was convicted, that this will create a drastic change for our future. To where we live, to where we go, if we decide to have children and so forth. My field of work is within the legal sector. How would it look if I was marry a convicted sex offender? Not great.

 

But I also can't stop feeling the way I do about him. He's the only man who a
I'll see how this goes and won't make any moves until it's absolutely clear that he's going in.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe a stable or conventional relationship might not satisfy your needs. 

It has to happen behind the prison walls.

It's unlikely that he will hurt you if he's sent to jail.

You cannot be harmed.

You're always in control because you're on the outside.

You'll go in and you'll visit him. Whether you accept his collect calls is up to you. No matter if he's guilty, not guilty, or a recovering alcoholic, you get to decide how far to go and you know nothing will happen to you. 

Have you considered how you feel about yourself and why you would settle for this life?

If not, perhaps you should. You could wait 3 years only to be discarded at the end. If he's in jail, he will not leave you because he won't have anything else to do but be with you.

Whereas you have all the opportunity and time in the world to find a guy who can be there for you both physically and emotionally.

Think about it.

Edited April 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[poppyfields]

OP, are you familiar with convicted murderer Erik Menendez and his wife Tammy's story?

She met and married him behind bars and they are still married, 22 years later.

Tammy wrote a book about it, interesting story. Dare I say a love story. 

In any event, best of luck whatever you decide to do

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

But I also can't stop feeling the way I do about him. He's the only man who a

 Charles Mason and other sociopaths got married in prison as well. If you want to call that a "love story".

Many violent criminals have had a following of fans and love letters. Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, etc.

Research: Hybristophilia 

"A sexual interest in and attraction to those who commit crimes, a paraphilia in which sexual arousal, facilitation,  are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed a crime."

Edited April 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Stret]

Hard situation but it mostly boils down to your feelings that cannot change any time soon. My concern here is about you and the fact that you are now already ready to perform motherly and saviour role in his life. It is a ticket to co-dependent relationship.  
So to make a compromise between your feelings and the danger of becoming enmeshed, you need to let this one to him to deal with. He needs to take a leading role on his life, his stuff, his apartment, and he needs to have equal emotional input into your relationship. Like this, it seems you have taken on the whole burden of the situation onto yourself while making excuses for him. If this goes on for a few years, you might be so tired mentally that you might lose any joy in life. He needs to be strong enough to deal with this otherwise, it will all be on you. And who would he be to let you carry the entire burden alone while not trying to make it easier by chipping in? 

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

 

My boyfriend says he remembers that he was on top of her, but he doesn't remember for what. This was during the height of his alcoholism.

I'm usually the one to believe the victim and will always believe that the accused is guilty guilty guilty. But after hearing his side and in conjunction of what I know about him......it sounds fishy in different ways. I'm not saying that he did NOT do it. But I believe that the perception of the situation is skewed.

I understand that if he was convicted, that this will create a drastic change for our future. To where we live, to where we go, if we decide to have children and so forth. My field of work is within the legal sector. How would it look if I was marry a convicted sex offender? Not great.

 

But I also can't stop feeling the way I do about him. He's the only man who a
I'll see how this goes and won't make any moves until it's absolutely clear that he's going in.

Oh no no no no no no girl. This has bad written all over it. Even without the alcohol, he's real good at manipulation...That part of a person like this never goes away. If you are in the legal sector YOU KNOW people lie and can be good at it because they have been doing it all their life. This guy is lying through his teeth. 

Edited April 20, 2022 by smackie9

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you, 100%.  But when it comes to our emotions, and being in love which the OP surely is no matter how many red flags we as objective observers can see, none of these are going to be dealbreakers.

Logically yes.  Emotionally no.

Love, obsession, fantasy, those emotions are never logical imo and experience.

So, I'm not going to advise the OP to end things cause she's just not going to.

Realistically, given how she feels, all she can do is accept the situation, he does his time, and she waits to see how she feels upon his release. Or sooner. 

Again just trying to be real; I have never known anyone so in love who would even consider ending a relationship because of advice they received on an internet forum.

Even though they should. 

Completely agree.

It's so easy for us to give advice on here because we don't have an emotional attachment to the significant other.  And that is valuable in the sense that we can see things in terms of black and white.  So when we hear them say how great he is, it doesn't mean anything to us.  We tend to focus in on the negative.  I would say the vast majority of scenarios brought up on this forum end with the advice that "you should break up with them."

I can speak for myself and say that whatever good advice I give on here is not reflective of how I live my life all the time.  It's how I *want* to live but I often fall short in my own relationships.  In fact when I give advice in large part it's advice for myself as much as whoever I'm responding to.

To tie it back to the OP; OP ultimately of course it's really tough to make decisions like this with someone you could potentially see the rest of your life with.  My advice would be to just take it one day at a time.  We don't know what will happen and you don't want to jump to any conclusions and regret acting rashly.

Use both your brain *and* allow yourself to feel your emotions, don't run away from them.  The best relationships require logical thought as well as emotional attachments.  Approaching the relationship from one extreme or the other is bound to be unfulfilling.  You'll figure out the right course of action for yourself in time, good luck.

[introverted1]

 

14 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

My boyfriend says he remembers that he was on top of her, but he doesn't remember for what.

What does he think the possible reasons could be?

22 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

4 years ago, he was accused of sexually assaulting his wife's 16 year old sister. He and his wife were having an argument in the living room. He was very intoxicated. She left the room and when she returned, she says that she saw my boyfriend on top of her sister, who was sleeping on the couch. The police was called. My boyfriend says he wasn't doing that (but he was intoxicated, so his memory isn't the most clear) he was arrested, taken in. The charges were then dropped. About two years later, he was notified that the charges were being brought up once again. Due to the inactivity of the victim within the case, my boyfriend's attorney surmised that it will get dismissed.

You say the charges were dropped initially and now, two years later, they've been reinstated.  What changed?  Two years since reinstatement seems like a very long time before there'd have been a trial.  What has been holding it up?  

Something about this just doesn't sound right, OP.

 

[Alpacalia]

The problem is that it seems that people are constantly asking for advice in situations such as these, as if blindly following advice was something they were capable of doing. 

So here is the situation as you present it. You want to know if you can trust a guy that may or may not have assaulted a 16-year-old sister of his wife while he was intoxicated BEFORE he met you, who may be in jail over something he may or may not have done, who has been through rehab, gone to therapy, and has apparently stayed out of trouble since then. His life has been rebuilt. Now he has a new lease on life.

Could he be a deceiving and manipulative individual who always has criminal intent in the back of his mind? Absolutely.

Does the fact that someone is a felon have ANYTHING to do with it? Nope.

The bottom line is this:

Everyone deserves to feel safe in love and in all aspects of their life - mentally, spiritually, and physically.

If you do, then there's nothing left to discuss, or is there?

Edited April 20, 2022 by Alpacalia

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

My boyfriend says he remembers that he was on top of her, but he doesn't remember for what. This was during the height of his alcoholism.

I've known a number of alcoholics who've never once found themselves on top of a girl and then been arrested for sexual assault. You've hinted at this possibly being blown out of proportion by his ex-wife, but unless you've spoken to the victim, you only have his side of the story.

15 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

He has been arrested before, which is why he has no faith in the criminal justice system. He has been arrested for: Drunk and disorderly and drug possession (weed and shrooms). But mostly the cops was called because he was feeling suicidal or had attempted suicide, or was found with evidence of self harm. They would arrest him and take him down to Gen Pop where he would stay in isolation until they could get him to a mental ward. 

I do believe in redemption and I believe in second choices. However, you've known him for 2 years and now he may go away for 4 years. That is 6 years of your life you'll never get back, and who knows what being on the inside will do to him? He could come out a completely different man and he could go back to having the problems he had before you met him. If you were sticking by him because you were married and had children together, that would be a different story, but I would really think long and hard about whether you want to invest another 4 years of your life in this relationship when you do not know what adversity might await you when he gets out of prison (if he does get sentenced to prison.)

[Calmandfocused]

[ ] 

Op, did this issue resurrect around the same time your boyfriend couldn’t keep up with his child support payments? 
 

Something very fishy here Op. If something doesn’t make sense it’s not true … 

Or there is much more to the story that you don’t know. 
 

I accept you say he’s a reformed character. However just be aware that addicts (past or present) become very expertly skilled in lying, manipulation and playing the victim. The have to in order to feed the addiction. Your boyfriend will still have these abilities in his toolkit irrespective of whether he’s using them. 
 

Are you sure you’re getting the full story op? . I don’t think so. 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
seeking legal advice

[Alpacalia]

Quite interesting.

I hope OP can shed some light on these new questions...