Girlfriend ended the relationship

[LoveComplexity]

I just want to explain the situation to see what you guys think about it.

So my girlfriend and I have been a bit distant lately, she had to go away for 1-2 months at several ocassions, then we were together for some months, then again she left etc...

And basically she told me she felt a bit distant and doesn't feel the connection anymore blabla... anyway I explained this in another topic from before in this forum

Anyway now we meet to talk about the whole thing and she basically said she decided 100% she does not want to continue with this relationship, and she said the main reason for this is the fact that she is not even happy in life, not happy with herself, doesn't even know what she wants or where she wants to go, and needs to work on herself to heal her wounds and to be able to love herself and be able to give me what I deserve, because now she is just pulling me down and making me suffer for her problems that are not mine blabla... She said that she feels this void inside her since a very long time, way before she meet me and nothing can fill it, she pretends to be happy but she is miserable, and while I have made her happy and forget this, she was empty and miserable when we were not together and that I deserve someone way better that I should forget her, that when she is better and feels like she is in a healthy place to have a relationship she will probably regret this decision and will come find me, and if im single good, if not it will hurt but she will be happy for me, but that I should not wait for her that I should move on and  be happy.

And this is not an excuse btw, she does have some issues with this even tho I did not mention them in the other topic but even her mother once told me when we talked that she has not seen her happy since a long time and she is so grateful that I came into her life because she sees that she is happy with me. And my girlfriend (now ex) even had a few crisis similar to this throughout our relationship where 3 or 4 times she broke down and kept saying that she feels so empty, shes not happy with herself, she is a loser, her life is crap, she is miserable, she doesn't care about anything, even if we end, even if something happens to her etc... but I always tried to talk to her and tried to push her forward and it worked, but now it seems like she made the decision and its 100%. Probably other things affected it also, the fact that we could not be together sometimes and all this.. so she felt even worse about herself... the distance...this problem she has... so idk

What do you guys think?

I love her alot but I obviously have to accept this decision and try to live and move on, but I feel bad for her because I know she feels like this and shes unhappy.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

 we meet to talk about the whole thing and she basically said she decided 100% she does not want to continue with this relationship, and she said the main reason for this is the fact that she is not even happy in life, not happy with herself, 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems to have been limping along even longer than you thought.

Basically, this is a very elaborate version of "it's me, not you".

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Don't try to stay friends or try to keep fixing her or the relationship.

It's time to move on and now you have the closure and freedom to do so.

Edited April 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems to have been limping along even longer than you thought.

Basically, this is a very elaborate version of "it's me, not you".

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Don't try to stay friends or try to keep fixing her or the relationship.

It's time to move on and now you have the closure and freedom to do so.

I always tried to fix her and the relationship because I saw she was broken and had so many problems and issues, but I thought that I could help her grow, help her heal, help her be happy..

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, the writing has been on the wall a while here. 

Your other threads indicated that a break-up was coming. It appeared it was just a matter of time until she mustered up the courage to definitively end it, and now here we are. I'm sorry, OP. I know it's disappointing, but her reasons aren't even terribly important and don't change the bottom line. It is time to accept that this just wasn't working anymore. 

As for her feeling unhappy in life, well, it's her battle to resolve. She will find her way.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

I always tried to fix her and the relationship because I saw she was broken and had so many problems and issues, but I thought that I could help her grow, help her heal, help her be happy..

Ok, it's not your job to fix or change anyone. In fact, doing so may have contributed to the demise of the relationship.

When you make someone feel broken and suffocated, they'll want to get away from that perception....and unfortunately, you.

[LoveComplexity]

But do you guys think her reason is valid? That she infact feels this way, that she is not capable of having a healthy relationship and offering me everything I deserve? Or do you think its an excuse?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, LoveComplexity said:

 and offering me everything I deserve? 

You need to move forward. She is not happy with you, so you need to find someone you don't need to rearrange into what "you deserve".

[LoveComplexity]

I mean I know what you are talking about, its just that her family is aware of her problems and that she is unhappy with life and herself, she has a void inside her, and since the relationship started she was afraid to go into it because of it, the first weeks of dating she was like "This is the point where I should say goodbye" and she always talked about this and told me she doesn't think she is ready for a relationship, but I kind of pushed it I guess I am stubborn, and we were really awesome together and happy, so I guess she went for it.

This relationship is over anyway I know, I need to move on, I am just trying to understand if this really could be her issue that makes it impossible, or was it me that did things wrong in the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

That she infact feels this way, that she is not capable of having a healthy relationship and offering me everything I deserve? Or do you think its an excuse?

I think it's a bit of both, because you also note this:

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

the first weeks of dating she was like "This is the point where I should say goodbye" and she always talked about this and told me she doesn't think she is ready for a relationship, but I kind of pushed it I guess

She doesn't sound as though she's ever been as invested as you, OP. When someone is expressing doubts - especially when it happens more than once - you need to believe them. Not push for a relationship. It's hard when you really like someone, but we also need to heed to red flags as they present themselves and not try to wish them out of existence. 

It appears she's tried to tell you in a few different ways and at different points that she doesn't want the same things you do. And you weren't really hearing her, because you liked her so much and wanted it to work. And now, she has arrived at a point where she's being very clear and not giving you any more room to try to convince her otherwise. 

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it's a bit of both, because you also note this:

She doesn't sound as though she's ever been as invested as you, OP. When someone is expressing doubts - especially when it happens more than once - you need to believe them. Not push for a relationship. It's hard when you really like someone, but we also need to heed to red flags as they present themselves and not try to wish them out of existence. 

It appears she's tried to tell you in a few different ways and at different points that she doesn't want the same things you do. And you weren't really hearing her, because you liked her so much and wanted it to work. And now, she has arrived at a point where she's being very clear and not giving you any more room to try to convince her otherwise. 

But she did alot of things for me and we talked about a ton of stuff, a life together, family... and she told me such heavy things.. idk.. or maybe it was just words

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, LoveComplexity said:

But she did alot of things for me and we talked about a ton of stuff, a life together, family... and she told me such heavy things.. idk.. or maybe it was just words

Right, but all of that was evidently tempered by these lingering doubts. 

People can and do change their minds sometimes. Maybe she warmed up to the idea of a future together but realized her doubts had never really gone away.  It appears the time apart when she was away offered her the clarity she needed on her feelings and on the viability of this relationship. Unfortunately, she is being honest that she just can't reciprocate any longer. 

You will be okay, as long as you're patient with yourself in your healing. And in the future, don't push for a relationship. If someone isn't excited about it of their own volition and without any convincing from you, it's not going to end well. 

[chillii]

Yeah agree with above op. And unfortunately writing was up very early in she already knew anyway.

Sounds like a combo though of herself and her stuff, you guys, and she probably has undiagnosed depression to.

Edited April 18, 2022 by chillii

[notbroken]

You can't "make" her or anyone else happy.   Ideally, a mate adds to your happiness - but they aren't the foundation or sole cause of it.   You'd eventually fail trying to be (no one can).

Although it is a cliche, sometimes it really is 'me and not you'.   This sounds like one of them.  I'm sorry and know it is painful, but you have to accept her explanation and move on.   She really isn't happy.  There was likely nothing you could do about it.   Honestly, consider yourself as having dodged a bullet.  Better for her to do it now than after 2 kids, 3 cars, and a mortgage.   You would always be 'the fall guy'.  Good luck.  

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

Or do you think its an excuse?

Does it matter? Either way she wants to break up right? The reason is kind of meaningless. 

[Acacia98]

Sounds like she's dealing with some heavy psychological stuff (e.g. depression + something else). Doesn't matter how much you try or how hopeful you are, you can't "fix" that with love. Maybe she's feeling too much pressure to be happy/smiley when she really isn't to make you and her family happy. And maybe she just wants room to feel what she's feeling, to own those feelings, and to ultimately figure them out. Maybe she needs counselling. Maybe she needs medication. Maybe she needs to prioritize her spirituality... I genuinely don't know. But she has to be the one to work on it.

It doesn't sound like she's just "making excuses." I've never understood why people say someone is making excuses when they try to end a relationship honorably. Relationships are not obligatory. They can end. And if one wants out, it is far better for them to be upfront about it and to give an explanation that doesn't disingenuously lay the blame on you than it is for them to just ghost you or cheat on you. If someone cares enough about you to actually break up with you properly and encourages you to move on (in other words, she's not selfishly expecting you to put your life on hold and "wait" for her), that's a decent human being. She was most likely sincere when you were together.

[smackie9]

By the sounds of it she has clinical depression. This is a life long issue she will have to deal with on her own. You can't make her depression go away....she not right in the brain and needs help. Even with therapy/medication, for some that depression/self loathing/doomsday feeling doesn't go away. Being pushed away is so typical of those who suffer. They don't want help, don't want to be with others, just left alone. It's sad. Sorry you are hurting, but it would be best for you to close this chapter of your life. 

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

I always tried to fix her and the relationship because I saw she was broken and had so many problems and issues, but I thought that I could help her grow, help her heal, help her be happy..

I think most women will not react positively to you trying to fix them.

The thing you can do best to help her through these issues is be the guy you were when she met you.  Be fun, light-hearted, that's why she was with you.  You just being you was doing all of that, helping her heal, grow, be happy.  You didn't begin the relationship trying to fix her, right?

Take it as a learning experience.

Edited April 18, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't date to fix people. That's like a teenage fantasy. You date because you're with someone who is already fixed.

You're not a therapist or a parent. So you can't "fix" someone and be in a healthy (mutually supportive) relationship at the same time. You can love someone and then they can take that love and go fix themselves. That's what love does. It gives us enough room, enough self-acceptance, to go fix ourselves if we so choose. What you were doing is social work. Go volunteer at the local shelter if you want to try to fix people, and even there, the workers will tell you that fixing is a impossible mission. You can  offer people opportunities is all. 

You should know a few more things. One, when people go into fix it mode, they are by definition discarding their own needs and happiness. If you're fixing someone, you can't call them to give you the support and love you need. The fixing requires you (the helping partner) to occupy this heroic role of someone who is infinitely patient and kind and all of that. Well, you can't interact with them as equals. And over time, you actually lose sight of your own needs and desires. BecSave fixing for therapists. You were in a love relationship--which is an equal relationship. 

Two, you should know that half the time when people get fixed, they lose interest in the fixer. So let's imagine she did heal herself with your help, well you're thinking she'll be a better partner. Actually no. She will have different standards (higher), will know herself better and have a lot more confidence. Were she to get fixed, one of her first steps would probably be to dump you. When I was suffering depression, I avoided the kind of people I like now. I wanted people who would put up with my depression. Now, I go for people with some real fierce energy and life. 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're not a therapist or a parent. So you can't "fix" someone and be in a healthy (mutually supportive) relationship at the same time. You can love someone and then they can take that love and go fix themselves. That's what love does. It gives us enough room, enough self-acceptance, to go fix ourselves if we so choose. What you were doing is social work. Go volunteer at the local shelter if you want to try to fix people, and even there, the workers will tell you that fixing is a impossible mission. You can  offer people opportunities is all. 

 

Great point, something I was trying to say but think you said it better.  OP, the best thing you can do is be the best version of yourself.  Lead by example.  The right person will want to make changes in their life to make sure that they don't lose you.  It's the line of "you make me want to be a better person."  The right woman will fix herself because of the value you bring to her life.

That's not to say that because she dumped you that you are not worth holding on to.  I just think when we try to fix people, we are just misunderstanding what they need, and you are misrepresenting/undervaluing what you bring to the relationship by thinking you need to do something extra to fix her besides being yourself.  You should be enough.

Edited April 18, 2022 by dramafreezone

[LoveComplexity]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

By the sounds of it she has clinical depression. This is a life long issue she will have to deal with on her own. You can't make her depression go away....she not right in the brain and needs help. Even with therapy/medication, for some that depression/self loathing/doomsday feeling doesn't go away. Being pushed away is so typical of those who suffer. They don't want help, don't want to be with others, just left alone. It's sad. Sorry you are hurting, but it would be best for you to close this chapter of your life. 

 

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Sounds like she's dealing with some heavy psychological stuff (e.g. depression + something else). Doesn't matter how much you try or how hopeful you are, you can't "fix" that with love. Maybe she's feeling too much pressure to be happy/smiley when she really isn't to make you and her family happy. And maybe she just wants room to feel what she's feeling, to own those feelings, and to ultimately figure them out. Maybe she needs counselling. Maybe she needs medication. Maybe she needs to prioritize her spirituality... I genuinely don't know. But she has to be the one to work on it.

It doesn't sound like she's just "making excuses." I've never understood why people say someone is making excuses when they try to end a relationship honorably. Relationships are not obligatory. They can end. And if one wants out, it is far better for them to be upfront about it and to give an explanation that doesn't disingenuously lay the blame on you than it is for them to just ghost you or cheat on you. If someone cares enough about you to actually break up with you properly and encourages you to move on (in other words, she's not selfishly expecting you to put your life on hold and "wait" for her), that's a decent human being. She was most likely sincere when you were together.

 

Im not sure exactly what she is dealing with, but her mom told me she has not been happy for a while (some years), not with herself or her life or what she achieved or nothing.

I also know for a fact (because she told me many times, my ex gf) that she has extremely low self esteem, she doesn't like anything about her, and thinks she is a failure and a loser.

During a few break downs that she had, she has told me she was abused as a child, her 2 ex partners were also bad, one was a cheater that went with other women, the 2nd also cheated on her in the end but he was also violent with her and slapped her.

During those break downs she told me she is miserable and feels like she has a hole inside her, and feels nothing, she doesn't feel happy with herself nor with her life or anything even tho she pretends to be happy with other people, and she said she even contemplated suicide at one point in her life, she also told me she doesn't care about anything, if something happens to her tomorrow, if this relationship ends, nothing... some heavy words... but like I said after I eased her and talked to her she felt better or at least pretended to be better.

Anyway she always said that when we are together she feels better and that I make her "forget" everything.

So I don't know what exactly she has but she definitely has some issues, I thought with my support we could both grow and she could improve this aspect and heal it, thats why I tried to stick with her and be her support.

[smackie9]

31 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

 

 

Im not sure exactly what she is dealing with, but her mom told me she has not been happy for a while (some years), not with herself or her life or what she achieved or nothing.

I also know for a fact (because she told me many times, my ex gf) that she has extremely low self esteem, she doesn't like anything about her, and thinks she is a failure and a loser.

During a few break downs that she had, she has told me she was abused as a child, her 2 ex partners were also bad, one was a cheater that went with other women, the 2nd also cheated on her in the end but he was also violent with her and slapped her.

During those break downs she told me she is miserable and feels like she has a hole inside her, and feels nothing, she doesn't feel happy with herself nor with her life or anything even tho she pretends to be happy with other people, and she said she even contemplated suicide at one point in her life, she also told me she doesn't care about anything, if something happens to her tomorrow, if this relationship ends, nothing... some heavy words... but like I said after I eased her and talked to her she felt better or at least pretended to be better.

Anyway she always said that when we are together she feels better and that I make her "forget" everything.

So I don't know what exactly she has but she definitely has some issues, I thought with my support we could both grow and she could improve this aspect and heal it, thats why I tried to stick with her and be her support.

You do what a lot of people do...give support but in the long run that isn't what she needs. She needs to get diagnosed, then seek proper treatment. When she does that she will feel a lot better. 

In order for her to have a happy relationship she has to be happy with herself, her life, in her own skin....and not because she's in a relationship. 

[LoveComplexity]

Just now, smackie9 said:

You do what a lot of people do...give support but in the long run that isn't what she needs. She needs to get diagnosed, then seek proper treatment. When she does that she will feel a lot better. 

In order for her to have a happy relationship she has to be happy with herself, her life, in her own skin....and not because she's in a relationship. 

Yeah but she is studying something that requires that the person has no conditions as such, so its not really possible to get treatment if she wants to have this profession..

[dramafreezone]

37 minutes ago, LoveComplexity said:

Yeah but she is studying something that requires that the person has no conditions as such, so its not really possible to get treatment if she wants to have this profession..

I don't know where you live but in the US it is illegal to require that a person not have a history of mental health conditions as a condition of licensure or employment.

https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/guidance/depression-ptsd-other-mental-health-conditions-workplace-your-legal-rights#:~:text=No.,forcing you to take leave.

Additionally, she doesn't even have to disclose that she has been diagnosed with depression.  It's not an employer's business.

https://adata.org/factsheet/health

Edited April 18, 2022 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

But do you guys think her reason is valid? That she infact feels this way, that she is not capable of having a healthy relationship and offering me everything I deserve? Or do you think its an excuse?

IMO most likely a bit of both. However...

10 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

This relationship is over anyway I know, I need to move on, I am just trying to understand if this really could be her issue that makes it impossible, or was it me that did things wrong in the relationship.

Every couple ultimately has their own unique "chemistry" so it wasn't you or her, but your interaction that made it (a) good for a while in many ways, but also (b) ultimately untenable. So don't beat yourself up, there will be women out there you "gel with" for a longer duration. The exact specific reasons why things ended are probably not as important as you think.

You could always choose to see a therapist and try to explore "your issues" IF you strongly believe you are somehow not suited for LTRs. However, I'd point out that most relationships fail AND that even crappy ones continue (despite being crappy) so it's ultimately the couple's mutual choice to continue it that matters most. If/when you find a woman who wants to stay in a relationship with you (and you feel the same), well - you've found a lasting relationship (for better or worse, haha).

 

[bravojohn]

People tend to gaslight their feelings. 

It could be that she really needs to sort her own emotions, but, and sorry to say, I doubt that's the issue. She is trying to put the blame on herself to let you down easier. 

Sorry man. 

I've also been there. It wasn't pleasant. Was head over heels for a girl. She dumped me 6 months in with the same "I'm not ready" bla bla talk, and got married to a work colleague 6 months later. It broke me. But I once read a line in the vein of "people will be ready for the ones they want to be ready for" or something to that extent. It's very true. 

If someone really wants to be with a person, they'll cut their nonsense and make their best effort. End. Of. Story. If you gave it your all, there's nothing you can do to make the other person reciprocate same. Difficult pill to swallow. But, cut ties, move on. Better days will come.