Ended it with a guy as felt like I was cheating on my ex. Does this ever get easier?

[Potatocape]

16 minutes ago, S2B said:

Your words seem like you want a relationship.

I mean I can want to be more casual and still be honest to someone. It's not like they can never be connected haha

At least she's up to talk at hers

[LynneVicious]

This is a disaster. 

usually being ‘confused’ means there’s someone else in the picture. Then one of your earlier updates she mentioned her ex. 

in all likelihood, she is still hung up on him or hasn’t gotten over him yet. So, there’s a chance you’re setting yourself up to be a rebound. 

i know you’re looking at every message and trying to decipher what she means and you’re playing ball with her, but there’s too much drama after only 5 dates. 

“She’s confused, she wants space, she needs to work on herself…” 99% of the time, this translates to: I’m not that interested enough or I’m hung up on someone else.she’s beating around the bush with it, but that’s what she’s saying  

it’s only been 5 dates. Why don’t you just stop dating her and stop giving her all the power in this relationship. Wouldn’t you rather date someone who’s really into you?

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Potatocape said:

I just wanted to send you a message to let you know that I don’t think we are after the same thing and I don’t think either of us should have to compromise on it. It’s taken me a bit of time but truthfully I’m just not ready to be dating anyone new, as much as I want to be. I think you’re absolutely wonderful and this isn’t a reflection on you at all, but on me and what I can handle in my life right now. Really hope you find what you’re looking for. X

 

Yeah man it's over.  It can be over like *THAT*, that quickly.  That said I think the way she was upfront with you demonstrates a lot of integrity, and many women won't give you this much.

I have to disagree with the consensus in this thread, I don't think she's that unusual or damaged, she sounds quite normal actually.  Confused, most people I meet are confused.  I'm confused.  Our default setting as humans is confused.  Someone that actually acknowledges their confusion is actually reassuring to me, because it demonstrates self awareness.

 I think it was simply a matter of you showing that you are far ahead of where she was (and she pretty much told you this), and that you are not the person that she thought you were.  I think she *was* really into you and was really getting into the idea of being with you but the drunken text was a huge error, I told you that once you mentioned it.  

One part where she's not being upfront (IMO) is when she says this isn't a reflection on you.  I think it is.  A primary reason why we like someone else is that we look up to them in some way.  I think the drunken text issue ruined this idea that she had of you of being someone that had it together, what she needs because she clearly believes she does NOT have it all together, and was looking for you for that.  She wanted you to be the beacon of stability, and you revealed yourself to be anything but that.  I don't know if *she* knows that's the reason things changed, but to me it appears to be the obvious catalyst for what happened afterward.

When you're dealing with an ex that's in the picture, you have to proceed nearly flawlessly to stay on track, and that one mistake doomed you.  Just time to move on, take it as a learning experience.  In the future, just be the fun, cool guy, someone that can handle anything, don't ever lay too much on her too quickly and don't do anything that makes it appear that you don't have it together.   She doesn't WANT more drama right now.

Make no mistake though, this is over and decided, she won't be moving forward with this.  You won't be convincing her to give it another try right now.  I would just say thank you for your honesty and wish her the best.  Bow out with dignity.  Maybe she'll remember that a year down the line and you'll get a mulligan, but I would assume it's over for good.

Edited April 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Potatocape said:

Well you never know she might come round after she sees me message. I know for sure it wasn't easy for her to send that message so we'll see what happens

Oh, OP. No. 

That was a definitive end. She’s done. There’s no “we’ll see.” 

She’s just being kind now because you’re not taking the hint and leaving it be. So yeah, she might talk to you but you’re just going to get another version of the vague psychobabble she’s been feeding you.

it’s still done, man. You need to get better at reading women. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Potatocape said:

I've just heard back. She said:

Thank you for this. It was really hard for me to send that to you because I still really like you. I convinced myself that this wouldn't work due to what you said the other night, and because of those words I didn't want to hurt you because you're an amazing guy. I feel really honoured that you want to still spend time with me. If what you're saying now is truly what you want then that makes me happy. Maybe we can discuss over mine next week when I'm back?

I'm yet to reply.

Now you got her to see you out of pity....

Edited April 15, 2022 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Potatocape said:

Maybe we can discuss....

Sorry to say but this is "meh" at best. She is not a succinct or concise person.

She cloaks her meanings in this kind of "maybe" thing so she looks good while rejecting you.

To be honest you may have dodged a bullet if she needs a dissertation for a simple one-sentence thought.

You really don't want to spend your time doing crossword puzzles to try to figure out how someone really feels.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

Yikes. What is with all the drama in such a short time. You're both 27 but this honestly sounds like the stuff of teenagers. When people tell you who they are, believe them. She's a mess.

 

Now if you want things to just be casual, and don't have any problems with her dating other guys for example, then that's fine. But from what you've posted on here, I don't think that's the case.

[nanatakyi]

I think this is just her way to say; Give me space.

She needs time to decide between you and her newfound love, it could be anything or maybe her interest has changed.

Just be a guy and move on.

 

[glows]

14 hours ago, Potatocape said:

I've just heard back. She said:

Thank you for this. It was really hard for me to send that to you because I still really like you. I convinced myself that this wouldn't work due to what you said the other night, and because of those words I didn't want to hurt you because you're an amazing guy. I feel really honoured that you want to still spend time with me. If what you're saying now is truly what you want then that makes me happy. Maybe we can discuss over mine next week when I'm back?

I'm yet to reply.

She did say earlier she’s not ready to be dating anyone new. She doesn’t want labels but she does want to spend time with you. In honesty this isn’t even casual dating and it sounds like it’s heading more towards friends with benefits and the friendzone. She may not want to admit that or may do so later on when she’s back and you both can talk about it further but that’s the gist of what I’m getting here. 

If you are open to something like this do so with both eyes wide open. The impression I got from you is that you are heavily interested in her hence the thread and trying to figure this out to this extent. I’d be less concerned if you went about your days without this much thought over her but here we are. You may just want company and that’s fine too.

Talk with her and see where you’re both at but I wouldn’t be surprised if she keeps confusing you. Your feelings for her seem to be pretty strong and I’m not sure you’ll be able to go along with something like this for long. 

[missgettingpastit]

I've just ended it with a guy I've been dating for the last month. I was really really really into him and it kills me knowing I had to end it.

A month before meeting him, my ex ended it with me (5 months in person, and 4 months long distance before that - so long distance that we hadn't met in person yet, I moved to this country for him).

I so want to be over my ex, because the guy I just ended dating with is a real catch, he's kind, funny and very very handsome. But whenever I was sleeping with the new guy or intimate in general with him, I felt like I was cheating on my ex.

It hurts because I saw a lot of potential with the new person, but I know for my own sanity that I'm not ready to date (as much as I want to date him) until I'm over my ex. The timing isn't right and it's nothing about the new guy as a person. What's worse is my ex has started messaging me, saying his rebound has ended it with him and if we can catch up. We left it as mates but now he seems unstable by some things he's saying so I'm scared to block him in case he does something stupid as a reaction. I want him to leave me alone.

Anyway I've had to end it with a guy that everyone around me believes is the best guy I've ever introduced to them. I sung his praises to friends and family.

I told him the truth, and he was so understanding and wished me good luck for the future.

Does this ever get easier? It was just right guy wrong time.

[ExpatInItaly]

It gets easier, but you need to forget the idea of being friends with your ex first.

39 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

now he seems unstable by some things he's saying so I'm scared to block him in case he does something stupid

What has he been saying? 

39 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

ex has started messaging me, saying his rebound has ended it with him and if we can catch up.

His rebound? Or did he end it with you to date someone else? And how insulting of him to assume you'll be there waiting for him. 

40 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

my ex ended it with me (5 months in person, and 4 months long distance before that - so long distance that we hadn't met in person yet, I moved to this country for him).

And you're seeing now why this was not a great idea. Uprooting your entire life for someone you had never met was an incredible risk. 

41 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

everyone around me believes is the best guy I've ever introduced to them. I sung his praises to friends and family.

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to slow down. A month and you're already introducing a new guy to your family...that's fast. Especially on the heels of a break-up. It would be best to take this time to yourself and be single for a while. Heal from your ex. Process it. Then things will feel easier and you'll be in a better place to meet someone new. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

.A month before meeting him, my ex ended it with me. 4 months long distance. I moved to this country for him).

Are you still in his country? What was the breakup about? Do you live together? 

If you hope to move forward, you'll have to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Do you have a job in this country? Can you move back home? It's only been 5 mos and apparently a mistake to move to him.

[Maldives]

Man go back to the guy you just left before it's too late. The ex is done don't sabotage what could have been great potential for something that's gone in the past finito. 

[missgettingpastit]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It gets easier, but you need to forget the idea of being friends with your ex first.

What has he been saying? 

He's just saying stuff like he doesn't know what he'll do if he ended it. I actually spoke to his mum as I was concerned and she said that she's trying to book him into therapy.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

His rebound? Or did he end it with you to date someone else? And how insulting of him to assume you'll be there waiting for him. 

He ended it because he realised this wasn't what he actually wanted. I was unaware of any other women, if there was one.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you're seeing now why this was not a great idea. Uprooting your entire life for someone you had never met was an incredible risk. 

I was actually contemplating moving here for a two year VISA as I've always wanted to live in the UK but seeing him helped sway it.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to slow down. A month and you're already introducing a new guy to your family...that's fast. Especially on the heels of a break-up. It would be best to take this time to yourself and be single for a while. Heal from your ex. Process it. Then things will feel easier and you'll be in a better place to meet someone new. 

Well not in person but just telling my parents about him. Just sucks because I really like this new guy.

He's just messaged saying:

"Thanks for this, and for telling me the truth, tbh I had a feeling it was that. I've been there before, and I know its hard, its tough and not easy to get over it, but don't let it drag you down, especially with you starting a new job and a new house which will be so fun! Enjoy your own time and I'm sure you'll move on to be an even happier person! I found cutting ties help, (out of sight out of mind - and all the other lame phrases) but we all move differently. It was nice knowing you, and best of luck at the new job! I'm here if you ever want a friendly chat"

Maybe down the line if I'm in a good place and he's single then I could reach out

Edited April 17, 2022 by missgettingpastit

[missgettingpastit]

10 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Man go back to the guy you just left before it's too late. The ex is done don't sabotage what could have been great potential for something that's gone in the past finito. 

I'm not in that mind space though. Me and new guy didn't speak for a few days before I sent that message (I needed to think about things).

As much as I want him, I dont want to be thinking about my ex while being with new guy, it's not fair on him, and I realise now I've not fully processed the relationship ending with my ex. My confidence is so low at the moment

Edited April 17, 2022 by missgettingpastit

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, missgettingpastit said:

I'm not in that mind space though. Me and new guy didn't speak for a few days before I sent that message (I needed to think about things).

As much as I want him, I dont want to be thinking about my ex while being with new guy, it's not fair on him, and I realise now I've not fully processed the relationship ending with my ex. My confidence is so low at the moment

I agree with you. 

You need to heal. Dating a new guy didn't work, and it won't work until you're over your ex. 

[missgettingpastit]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree with you. 

You need to heal. Dating a new guy didn't work, and it won't work until you're over your ex. 

Do you think once I'm over my ex I could reach out to new guy if he was still single and I was still thinking about him

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, missgettingpastit said:

He ended it because he realised this wasn't what he actually wanted. I was actually contemplating moving here for a two year VISA as I've always wanted to live in the UK but seeing him helped sway it.

It was nice knowing you, and best of luck at the new job!

Stop talking to him and his family. The new guy doesn't seem interested in getting involved in the crossfire of your situation with this ex.

[missgettingpastit]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop talking to him and his family. The new guy doesn't seem interested in getting involved in the crossfire of your situation with this ex.

I think you've misunderstood my post because I'm not looking to message him anytime soon although I really want to.

 But he did offer the opportunity to have a chat if I ever wanted one (I don't think I would while I'm still working on myself) so he's not cut me off

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, missgettingpastit said:

Do you think once I'm over my ex I could reach out to new guy if he was still single and I was still thinking about him

It happened for me, and we are still together. In fact, he says that we wouldn’t be together if he didn’t take the time he needed.

You were obviously not ready to date. So, take the time that you need but please - block the last guy. You won’t get over him if he continues to text you. What a shame if you have missed out on a healthy relationship with a good man because you chose an unhealthy relationship with a man who valued you so little, he chose to walk away in search of someone else.

Personally, life is good short to waste time on this kind of relationship drama. You only dated the guy for a few months - lick your wounds and get on with life. Myself, I’d be dating the new guy -

And I think the advice above is good advice - tell him that you want to slow it down… It’s been a MONTH! You had sex too soon and you shouldn’t be meeting each other’s friends and families just yet. Just slow it down - enjoy it! Take the pressure off - 

[glows]

You may not have been ready to date but leaving that door open and knowing your ex is a wild card or can’t be trusted (he broke up with you and is suffering from some mental health issue) you did set yourself up to end up where you are now.

Don’t enable your ex. Move on and block him if he can’t respect your privacy or space. 

As for the new guy, I think that bridge is burnt. Some may take a chance on you but most won’t. First impressions count and you’re that gal who didn’t take care of herself first before inviting someone else into her life. The judgment is lacking there. Try to see it from the other side too.

Having said all that, many have been where you are also or have been in your shoes. You learn from experience and move on, don’t make the same mistakes twice.

Edited April 17, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

11 hours ago, missgettingpastit said:

He's just saying stuff like he doesn't know what he'll do if he ended it. I actually spoke to his mum as I was concerned and she said that she's trying to book him into therapy.

You've handed the baton to his mum, so it's OK to block him now.   It's crucial that you now concentrate on your own healing and don't let it be derailed by concerns for him.  If you struggle with this, remind yourself that you were dumped by him.  

The sooner you block him, the sooner you will start to move past this.

[Advena]

Firstly I hate the term dumper but here we are anyway.

Only dated this girl for a month before it ended. I wont go into details but she's going through a lot of really tough personal stuff at the moment and needed that time alone to be with her family so decided to call it quits which I get as I've been there before, once with a girl I was so so so into so it hurt.

Anyway, that night I posted a story on Instagram about a gathering I was at that night, having fun with mates and everything. The story showed a funny incident where I was stuck in one of my female friends jumpsuit that I was dared to try on.

I saw instantly that the girl saw it (almost like she had notifications on whenever I post), so I went to have a look at their profile out of curiosity as I was very nosey lol. That's where I saw they had just that second unfollowed me, made it so I can't follow them anymore and then made their account private, but I'm not blocked. Their profile was even public before we met, now it's private.

I've never experienced that before. But I'm not blocked on WhatsApp, which is our main form of chatting to each other.

Is that a sign that they're struggling? Or trying to get my attention?

We were never exclusive so the feelings aren't that deep although I miss her a bit as she was a fun girl and enjoyed time spent getting to know her. Asking out of curiosity more so than anything else.

Edited April 18, 2022 by Advena

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Advena said:

Only dated this girl for a month before it ended.

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about?

Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Be mindful of your content if it's public and especially posting nonsense if you share social media with dates right away.

[Advena]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about?

Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Be mindful of your content if it's public and especially posting nonsense if you share social media with dates right away.

It was more about her, a lot of bad current medical health and big family issues, so she needed some time. 

I have no need to block, I'm not distraught or feeling a need to message her. Also the instagram post was a story, and the funny type of content people see most weekends in their news feeds.

Just curious why I'm the anomaly as she doesn't block exs unless they've mentally or physically abused her.