Ended it with a guy as felt like I was cheating on my ex. Does this ever get easier?

[Uruktopi]

There may be multiple interpretations of what another mind holds.

Facts don´t need exegesis, at it´s best may be subject of some explanation. And not always.

Sooooooooooooo......my austere advice, do not beocome an orbiter of no one.

It rarely pays well.

[smackie9]

Run for the hills! to much bs to deal with. If she has issues already after 5 dates, it's time to vamoose. 

[dramafreezone]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

When a gal is really into you - you won’t hear the words she is using at all!

she has been telling you she isn’t that interested. 

True, but it's really hard for most guys to find someone that is bonkers for you right off the bat.  Speaking personally, I get that level of interest from a woman (that I feel the same way about) maybe once every couple of years?  It's really rare in my experience.  I think most women with a mild to moderate level of attraction that he will date would react the way she is reacting if the guy is much more serious than she is.

 He may want to make sure that he's not running off good women that may need to take things a bit more slowly.  If it's a case of this happening again and again, it's probably not just the women that's the issue.

Edited April 13, 2022 by dramafreezone

[healing light]

Parts of her text made it sound like she wants to minimize complications in her life and be single right now, but still keep the carrot dangling a little in case she decides to choose you as an option by saying she wasn't asking for space.

Her stating she removed her ex from the situation tells me she was confused between wanting to invest her emotional energy into him or you--so, clearly there was a third party here you weren't even aware of and she still has feelings for him.

All in all, she's not ready to date. 5 dates in and now she is doing some kind of slow fade while dribbling breadcrumbs to keep you waiting on the backburner instead of completely walking away, which, imo, is what you should do. 

[picaso3183]

Read my post. All too similar. 

Please run for the hills. I wish I had. Speaking from experience you are being used ( she may not even realise this ). But it is really simple.

1. She likes you and she agrees to date you.

2.She says she wants to be single and she has the guts to communicate this.

3.Or she suggets a FWB but you both need to agree.

Unfortnately she is not being honest with you. She is using yo for attention, company, sex, ego boost, a plan B... whatever her reasons. You know what you want and I really wish I had done this 8 months ago. I was paitent hoping she would change but she didnt. It ended and a week later she is back online dating. 

 

[Potatocape]

On 4/13/2022 at 5:43 PM, dramafreezone said:

I just don't know why you feel you have to "do" something at all.  It seems like you are putting way more into this than it warrants.  It's only been a month.  In her own convoluted way I think her first text was trying to say "slow down."   

Quite honestly I think she senses that *you* are getting way too invested too soon and she's not ready for it.  What makes me think that's the case is that when women are the ones that are more serious than you are they can't get enough of you, they call/text, and want to spend all of their time with you.  

Hey thanks for your response.

The thing is that it was so obvious she was falling for me so quickly, she was showing me the type of messages she was telling her friends and family about me, calling/texting me constantly, instantly replying, always wanting to be around me, all up until that conversation. And even then, she was still telling me not to worry, and that she still really wants to date me more but is "frightened to jump into something fully committed so soon" so wants to take it slow so as not to ruin what we have so far. She said she's working on herself quickly as she wants to be with me, as well as improve herself.

backstory about this weekend holiday she is going on: this holiday was something she was meant to go on with her ex and she was super looking forward to it, but then he ended it and cancelled it, so her family have treated her to the trip instead.

So after explaining to my friend about it all, he made me realise that this trip probably has a lot of meaning to her, as well as associating it with heartbreak - so is needing space as she needs to do it "on her own" and have some time alone while there.

At the end of the day she's told me she'll always be honest with me and be straight up about what she wants. She said she wants to discuss the topic of "us" after her holiday, and that until then she'll need some space to figure herself out.

What I might do is reach out after she's back from her trip, something lighthearted. She would have had 6 days of space then (2 have gone already). And see how it goes from there

[Potatocape]

On 4/13/2022 at 10:09 PM, healing light said:

Parts of her text made it sound like she wants to minimize complications in her life and be single right now, but still keep the carrot dangling a little in case she decides to choose you as an option by saying she wasn't asking for space.

Her stating she removed her ex from the situation tells me she was confused between wanting to invest her emotional energy into him or you--so, clearly there was a third party here you weren't even aware of and she still has feelings for him.

All in all, she's not ready to date. 5 dates in and now she is doing some kind of slow fade while dribbling breadcrumbs to keep you waiting on the backburner instead of completely walking away, which, imo, is what you should do. 

Hey healing!

I made a comment as an update before your post that she then did ask for space.

I was also aware of the ex because she's been telling me how much he's been pestering asking for friendship (and he is seeing someone). She said she can't cut people off as she'll feel guilty if they react badly and do something bad, which I'm okay as I'm like that too, I can't just cut off and block people either for that same reason.

Like I said, the holiday she's going on is a emotional one for her. See my latest post as to why.

She said to definitely discuss "us" after she returns as during the time on holiday she needs space to figure out what she wants on her own. I've got no reason to not trust her as she's been really open and honest so far about her own stuff (she had cancer when she was young and had different issues growing up as a kid which she's spoken to me in detail about).

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're being way too "okay" about her ex being in the picture. 

It's a big red flag. 

[Potatocape]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you're being way too "okay" about her ex being in the picture. 

It's a big red flag. 

I think why I'm okay with ex still being around is that my ex is still around. It doesn't mean I want them. Does this make me a red flag?

I'm not concerned at all that she'll want him romantically. She despises him but just struggles to cut people off. Maybe then it's not so much the ex being around that is a red flag, but maybe more that she is unable to block people off completely that are bringing her down. And as he's bringing her down, she doesn't want to bring me into the fray and scare me off (which is basically what she told me).

Now I write it out, she reminds me of my mate so much in that regard.

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

he's been pestering asking for friendship

This is what makes it a red flag. 

I imagine your ex isn't pestering you, is she? If she is, and you're still keeping her in your life, then yes, you're a red flag too. 

14 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

She despises him

Translation: there's unfinished emotional business here. Further evidence of that is he still has the power to bring her down, yet she won't let him go.  

Couple all this with asking for space? She's just not ready for what you want, and it's not likely to work out the way you hope. Sorry, man. 

Edited April 15, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Potatocape said:

 she's told me she'll always be honest with me and be straight up about what she wants. 

Unfortunately, sending you texts that seem more like a chapter from a self-help book, is far from "straight up".

Perhaps this is her device to obscure things so much that it sounds like she's interested but "needs time".

Obviously she's still talking to her on/off ex.

Overall she's still putting you on the back burner. Even if she complicates it with so much psychobabble that it's hard to know what she means.

 

Edited April 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I would imagine that, considering how emotionally affected she is by her ex, she would not want to go on a vacation they had planned together if she is still affected by him.

While you mentioned that her ex bailed on the trip that the two of them were supposed to take, do you think it's possible that that's not the case and that they are actually going together?

Edited April 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Potatocape]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Considering how she is emotionally affected by her ex, I would imagine she would not want to go on a vacation they were supposed to take together if she is still affected by her ex.

I know you stated that her ex bailed on the trip that the two of them were supposed to take, but do you think it's possible that's not the case?

Hey there

The ex actually cancelled the trip and got the money back. She still wanted to go, as the city has a lot of tours based on her favourite show so her parents paid for her to go, paying for the flight and hotel as well as the tours

[introverted1]

On 4/12/2022 at 6:57 PM, Potatocape said:

You are so understanding about so many things. I don’t know why you put up with me and some days I don’t know why you like me at all. I’m trying really really hard to work myself out, for myself, but also because I don’t want to let a nice guy like you get away because I’m too mseed up to handle it, and you're so good for me. I don’t have great self esteem especially right now. But I’m working on it and I just want the time to be able to do that. I can only look after myself right now and am trying to minimise the responsibility I have in my life by having this safety net of ‘I’m single’. I’m not out ‘looking’ for anyone else, I just need to be morally conscious of only me right now. But please know that I don't want space so don't think that's what I'm asking.

This is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, and perfectly sets things up so that no matter what she does next (likely, a slow fade), she can claim she warned you.

My interpretation is that she is telling you loud and clear that she does not want a relationship but that you can stick around and deal with her self-absorption if it suits you. She pretty much establishes that you're a rebound for her, someone who can help her heal, not someone she is emotionally invested in.

A canoe with only one person oaring will just spin in circles. Don't let that be you, potato. Find yourself a woman who is emotionally healthy and ready to be an equal partner to you.

 

[Gaeta]

They've been broken up for  how long? Her story with her ex sounds very recent. 

[Potatocape]

I have an update.

She messaged me saying:

Hey, I appreciate the time and space to think. 
I just wanted to send you a message to let you know that I don’t think we are after the same thing and I don’t think either of us should have to compromise on it. It’s taken me a bit of time but truthfully I’m just not ready to be dating anyone new, as much as I want to be. I think you’re absolutely wonderful and this isn’t a reflection on you at all, but on me and what I can handle in my life right now. Really hope you find what you’re looking for. X

I took some time to think about what she said and realised that drunkedly talking about labels to her isn't who I am honestly. I took some time and semt the following 

I've always admired your honesty and I want to be honest too. This exclusivity thing got blown out of proportion. This space has helped me think as well, and realised that I'm looking for something without pressure too, live in the moment and see what happens, that's what we were doing and I could see we were both having fun and enjoying the moment, so why a need to put a label on this when we can go with the flow. I wanted to tell you before but know you needed time. We’re really enjoying the fun stuff and didn’t want to put any pressure on it, you didn’t want to rush into something and ruin this and I felt the same honestly.
Let me know if this changes anything x

Balls in her court now. I'm happy I've been able to tell her the truth and honesty is what's most important. We're both adults with lots of experience so I'm glad we can be open like this.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

I don’t think we are after the same thing and I don’t think either of us should have to compromise on it. It’s taken me a bit of time but truthfully I’m just not ready to be dating anyone new, as much as I want to be.

Sorry this happened. Now you have closure and can delete and block her.

It's better than being in the crossfire of her on/off ex situation.

Next time seek out women who are free and clear and don't present themselves as "stressed", "hurt", "damaged", "confused", etc.

[Potatocape]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Now you have closure and can delete and block her.

It's better than being in the crossfire of her on/off ex situation.

Next time seek out women who are free and clear and don't present themselves as "stressed", "hurt", "damaged", "confused", etc.

Well you never know she might come round after she sees me message. I know for sure it wasn't easy for her to send that message so we'll see what happens

[lonelyplanetmoon]

12 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

I have an update.

She messaged me saying:

Hey, I appreciate the time and space to think. 
I just wanted to send you a message to let you know that I don’t think we are after the same thing and I don’t think either of us should have to compromise on it. It’s taken me a bit of time but truthfully I’m just not ready to be dating anyone new, as much as I want to be. I think you’re absolutely wonderful and this isn’t a reflection on you at all, but on me and what I can handle in my life right now. Really hope you find what you’re looking for. X

I took some time to think about what she said and realised that drunkedly talking about labels to her isn't who I am honestly. I took some time and semt the following 

I've always admired your honesty and I want to be honest too. This exclusivity thing got blown out of proportion. This space has helped me think as well, and realised that I'm looking for something without pressure too, live in the moment and see what happens, that's what we were doing and I could see we were both having fun and enjoying the moment, so why a need to put a label on this when we can go with the flow. I wanted to tell you before but know you needed time. We’re really enjoying the fun stuff and didn’t want to put any pressure on it, you didn’t want to rush into something and ruin this and I felt the same honestly.
Let me know if this changes anything x

Balls in her court now. I'm happy I've been able to tell her the truth and honesty is what's most important. We're both adults with lots of experience so I'm glad we can be open like this.

Wow after all that and you are still chasing after her?  Your reply just made it worse.  
Everyone is telling you she is breaking up with you.  Why are you not listening?

You need to block her. She was clearly on the rebound and once she got what she needed from you she left.

Do not start a relationship with someone you have to navigate around and push them to love you and be with you.

 

[introverted1]

8 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

I know for sure it wasn't easy for her to send that message so we'll see what happens

Pretty sure that message was easy for her to send.

She sent you the first message, hoping you'd get the hint.  Then, when you didn't, she sent a clearer version of it.

Now you're back-tracking and telling her you only want something casual,too, in the hopes that this will real her in.

Let it go.  She is not interested in you that way.  You are only going to get hurt and further lose your dignity.

[Potatocape]

6 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Wow after all that and you are still chasing after her?  Your reply just made it worse.  
Everyone is telling you she is breaking up with you.  Why are you not listening?

You need to block her. She was clearly on the rebound and once she got what she needed from you she left.

Do not start a relationship with someone you have to navigate around and push them to love you and be with you.

 

The thing is I'm not looking for a relationship and she thought I was so thought it would be good to be honest to her as she's been honest to me

[Potatocape]

Just now, introverted1 said:

Pretty sure that message was easy for her to send.

She sent you the first message, hoping you'd get the hint.  Then, when you didn't, she sent a clearer version of it.

Now you're back-tracking and telling her you only want something casual,too, in the hopes that this will real her in.

Let it go.  She is not interested in you that way.  You are only going to get hurt and further lose your dignity.

I'm only being honest in telling her I'm not looking for a relationship. Just like she needed space to realise what she wanted, so did I - amnd I didn't reach out first because I respected her need for space before I messaged her again

[glows]

You coming around to agree with her is only settling and I think she senses that. She doesn’t want to keep texting, calling or meeting up with you because she’s not ready to date either or see anyone. That you’re not letting it rest suggests you need her quite a lot and that’s off putting considering what she just told you.

I think it’s ok to let this one go. She’s telling you very politely that she doesn’t want to see or hear from you again. I’m sorry to say that.

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, Potatocape said:

I've always admired your honesty and I want to be honest too. This exclusivity thing got blown out of proportion. This space has helped me think as well, and realised that I'm looking for something without pressure too, live in the moment and see what happens, that's what we were doing and I could see we were both having fun and enjoying the moment, so why a need to put a label on this when we can go with the flow. I wanted to tell you before but know you needed time. We’re really enjoying the fun stuff and didn’t want to put any pressure on it, you didn’t want to rush into something and ruin this and I felt the same honestly.
Let me know if this changes anything x

It come across as very desperate. 

It's 5 dates, let it go. 

[Potatocape]

I've just heard back. She said:

Thank you for this. It was really hard for me to send that to you because I still really like you. I convinced myself that this wouldn't work due to what you said the other night, and because of those words I didn't want to hurt you because you're an amazing guy. I feel really honoured that you want to still spend time with me. If what you're saying now is truly what you want then that makes me happy. Maybe we can discuss over mine next week when I'm back?

I'm yet to reply.

Edited April 15, 2022 by Potatocape